we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "I PICKED THE WRONG DAY TO GIVE UP MOUSSAKA" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * ELECTRIC DREAMS - Awesome tranny tribute * HAKA - On heavy drugs * PRISON - Your Christmas survival guide ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving our ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Computers, Nostalgia, Ulrika and Miami Sweeney >> Electric Dreams << "Riley here," growls Riley, "from the tranny metal band Mechanical Black. We have just made a music video tribute to the computer industry with cameo appearances or messages from: Steve Wozniak, Steve Jackson, Ian Livingstone, David Warhol and many, many many more. Oh - did I mention we are also trannies (who look awesome)?" http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Peel Player << "Instant nostalgiagasm," offers DPD Nolan.If you grew up in the 70s, 80s, or 90s, or indeed 00s and like music, you probably remember the John Peel Festive 50s. So here's your chance to listen to every single track, in sequence or at random. "If you're going to be hypercritical," continues DPD, "There's too much fucking Wedding Present." http://peelplayer.com >> Ulrika-ka-ka << "The latest from forthcoming concept album 'Oliver Pissed'," trills Fat Boab. Entertaining comic opera stylings of the old-school variety. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Ulrika >> The Sweeney vs Miami Vice << "I wondered how the glamorous Miami Vice opening titles would look if they used the same stock footage as The Sweeney," explains Joe Scaramanga. Interestingly, although 70s London looks depressingly gritty, nowadays it's an exotic enough place to set a drama. http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Sweeney_vs_Miami_Vic... ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Racist Grandparents Or, "Oh hai, racist users of b3ta!" as it very quickly became known. Not our finest hour, but the good stuff is still good: http://b3ta.com/questions/racistgrandparents/ * "I know a lot of people have had a downer on this week's question, but I've found it a fascinating insight into the views of the general public. It's a bit like pulling back the covers to reveal the repressed feelings of individuals who don't speak their mind only because of fear of criticism rather than because they think it's wrong. I'm mixed race and have encountered my fair share of racism (mainly in the 80s & 90s). It's still there, just whispered rather than shouted. Anyway, my kids are mixed race and for the time being oblivious to the prejudice that exists in the world. One afternoon over dinner, my father-in-law referred to the guy over the road as "the coloured chap." Cue my wife and I looking at each other aghast. My boy, who's nearly four, piped up immediately, "What, like the people in Avatar?" (BinDipper) * "An old lady on the bus. When it was her stop was struggling to get her ubiquitous old lady shopping trolley down the step. A nice guy in a turban who was getting on kindly helped her with it. She said to him, "Thanks my dear, I hope your head gets better soon." (sittingduck) * "I'm nearly 40 and German... I think I got this covered." (bierbelly) >> This Week's Question - Tactless << As grandmasterfluffles puts it, "My ex once told me, "That's the best sex I've ever had... Well, apart from with my cousin...": http://b3ta.com/questions/tactless/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> A survival guide to the UK prison system. << Interesting insight into what prison life is like in the UK. Good info considering you're all probably going to jail for downloading Bros CDs. Might take you a few hours to read, so a useful way of killing time. http://issuu.com/prisonism/docs/hmp_a_survival_gui... >> Cleaning up after the Japanese tsunami << So how is Japan six months later? The answer is "Better but not exactly great". Hard to spin this into a joke, really, as there's nothing hugely funny about a country being trashed. Interesting though. http://goo.gl/TtLka >> A font made of bacon << As if the font made of Llamas the other week wasn't enough. Next week? A font made of vaginas. http://goo.gl/iqd1z >> Minge art << Speaking of ladybits, Lara writes, "Don't know if you have featured this chap before - Jamie McCartney - but he produces the most amazing casts of any part of your body you desire. His latest project is 'The Great Wall of Vagina'. I could be there... but I couldn't possible say as my mum might be reading this." http://www.greatwallofvagina.co.uk/home >> Funny magazine top tips << Compilations of this stuff never fail to amuse. You should dedicate your life to sending mental top tips in to Chat. eg. "Avoid strangers starting conversations with you by walking around with a cardboard box in your head and muttering." Works for us anyway. http://lifedeathtoptips.tumblr.com >> Naughty website tricks << Lovely wiki of all the cunning bullshit website bastards pull to fuck over the users. Kept us busy for hours. http://wiki.darkpatterns.org/Home ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH Best name for a cute site ever. http://thefluffingtonpost.com/ PS. We've just tried to play the 'famous site VS fluff = new name' game and got 'Petflix'. ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Imagine if you could watch TV on your PC!!! * MINI ROBOT RIDES BIKE - if someone could import these in time for Xmas then every kid would want one, to save the drudgery of having to ride their own bikes. http://goo.gl/D3kt7 * HAKA MIND-MELT - The Haka is a traditional Maori war dance from New Zealand and adopted by their rugby team. It's already odd, but this is like the bad acid that makes you swear off hallucinogenics and stick to booze. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Haka_on_Acid:2 * "I'VE GOT THE WEIRDEST BONER RIGHT NOW" - Naked girls dancing on crutches. It's like a cam into our mind. http://t.co/kVvXhm7f * TANK DOG - Small dog in tank costume. The first line of defence, should Crufts ever be dragged into World War 3. http://t.co/dShvnoKA * CONDOM APPLICATOR DESIGN - If you've ever attempted to stick a rubber jacket on the old chap you'll know it can be a tricksy affair. Could this design solve all that fumbling? From package to completion in three seconds. http://su.pr/1yo51O * IF QUAKE WAS MADE TODAY - Makes a critical point about how hand-holdy modern games are. Not like when we were kids, and games used to literally stab you in the penis on level 1. http://www.b3ta.com/links/If_Quake_was_done_today ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Still as funny as elbow cancer * DICK WIFE - Is that a name or an instruction? http://www.sord.nl/sord-people.html * A BUBBLE THAT LOOKS LIKE A COCK - you'll think 'whatever', but if you look at the photo you'll enjoy it. http://goo.gl/3Hlwi * BRILLIANT IDEA TO COMBAT DOMESTIC ABUSE - we're so on this. http://t.co/RDUzsa6I * COCK-LIKE PRODUCT - clearly designed to look like a cock in the hope idiots like us link to it. http://www.thebigchopper.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the B3ta City Challenge Last week we wanted you to imagine a world in which b3ta was a city: Your favourites included: * POPE - unwelcome evacuation from Catholic head honcho (E Dubya) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10585728 * FAQ - if life were a messageboard, in a nutshell (yanmania...) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10584441 * NAG - in which Jeremy the Annoying Horse attacks Gotham (Fresh Water Mole) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10584408 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/b3tacity/ >> New challenge: Population << Earth's population has reached seven billion, which is rather too much. This week's challenge is to devise a solution to reduce the numbers, using only the power of Photoshop. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/population/ ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Celebrity Paedophile Think of a name of a celebrity and google it with the word "paedophile" and giggle at the mentalists invariably accusing them of being part of some Illuminati child-rape cult. ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * DRESS UP AS TONY BLAIR - go on chat roulette with your cock out. That's what we do when we're unemployed. * WRITE A BOND THEME - Skyfall! (ba da dah) I've had an Eyeful. (ba da dah) He's got a powerful rainmaker. He loves only SKY! The plot? Liz Jones stars as Bond Girl Ivanna Yor Jizz, spunk-stealer of the financial elite in a plot to sell the ill-gotten semen to women aged 37-42. * THE WORLD ACCORDING TO YOUTUBE COMMENTERS - A is for Adele: "Adele reveals her celebrity crush."  My god, who has she sat on now? B is for Beyonce - "MILF!" Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by gxusm, robneymcplum, @edent, Griffy Savalas. Top Tippery by robneymcplum & uriba, @melat0nin, goatsy, @user24, @Mark_Hurricane, benryves, jenthegr8, chuff monkey, tacpprm, n.matthews, @bermsville Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via Serge. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: While enjoying a Friday night of beer-based fun, bottle all your piss throughout the evening and put it in the fridge before you go to bed. Then the following evening you have 8 glorious pints of ice-cold 'Carling' lager for free. TOP TIP 2: Have less than a day left to watch a download on BBC iPlayer? Click. Watch a moment past the ident - you now have six more days. TOP TIP 2 (supplemental): Or just torrent it. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive