we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "SHAVE IT OFF, IT GROWS BACK THICKER. I CANT WAIT TO SEE MY NEW WILLY" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * MASTERCHEF INNUENDO - In your endo * GIFTS - Apple catalog 1983 * PLANE LANDING - no front wheels ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're shaving the ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Halloween, Innuendos and Filth >> Postman Pat's PET SEMATARY << Just in time for Halloween AND Postman Pat's 30th birthday. "No nudity or too much wanking but NSFW cause it's a bit violent and sweary for yer usual Postman twat adventure," growls leehardcastle. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Postman_Pats_PET_SEMATAR... >> Celebrity Masterchef - The Top 10 Innuendos! << "Bashed this together today cos it's the final and that," chime Cope&Dalton. It doesn't get harder than this. http://goo.gl/5ZuqI >> Dirty Notes << "I have a website," brags landfear, "and I can track what people are googling to find me. And since somebody in Lambeth searched for the words 'I like to drink breastmilk' today, I thought I'd share with you folks what they found." Basically, she made up the most peculiar, filthy singles ads, put them on craigslist and pitilessly documented the results. Brave girl. http://filthynotesfromstrangers.com/wordpress/ ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Meeting people from the internet Last week we wanted to know what happened when you encountered internet people in real life. Some of them were sane: http://b3ta.com/questions/internetmeets/ * OUCH - "In September 2001, I took a series of trains to the Netherlands. From a rattly South Eastern to Dover Docks, to the dawdling Belgian countrysider and the frantic platform-dashing as the conductor informed me I was going to Haarlem, not Arnhem, the adventure took most of the day. I sweatily disembarked 12 hours later in a sleepy town and cast my eyes around for the blonde metaller I was supposed to be meeting. Janneke and I had been chatting online for nearly 5 years, and with the new-found freedom of turning 18 I'd figured it was time for a European jaunt. I hunkered down and waited for her to arrive. Ten minutes turned to twenty, and then an hour passed. I was more and more frantic, wondering what was going on. Was I in the wrong time zone? Had I got my dates mixed up? Should I have gone to Haarlem instead? Panic was properly setting in. I scanned the traffic, heart racing every time a vehicle pulled up. Nope, not her. Nope. Nope. This bus? Nope, she's not on that one either. Fuck. And then I saw a motorbike, a weedy rasping scooter of a thing, buzzing down the access road. A petite figure clad in tight leathers, blond hair streaming behind her helmet. My heart was pounding. I stood up in anticipation, and watched as a homeless man ran out of nowhere, straight into her path. She swerved, lost it, and gracelessly slid with the bike into a concrete upright. The crunch of bone and steel was sickening. They wouldn't let me into the ambulance since I wasn't a relative or a friend. Heartbroken and bloodstained, I took the next train home, and had to explain to every conductor, the border guard and my own parents that the bloodstains and my early return weren't linked in the way they thought they were." (I helped save b3ta! Grrrmachine ) * OUCH - "He was my best friend's secret lesbian lover's boyfriend. We met over the internet because we got lumped into an IM conversation organising a party together and found we had a lot in common. We talked online for weeks, and discovered we lived practically in sight of each other: score! So we drank together for most of our remaining teenage years, laughing at each other's failings with women and academia in a haze of cigarette smoke. And then out of nowhere he tried to forcefully bum me while I was sat on his bed playing Halo shithoused. And that's why I don't like Halo." (a gun that fires other, smaller guns) * OUCH - "I'm just going out to a gay club with some guys I met on the internet" was never going to be an easy sell to Mrs Andrist, but being the trusting woman that she is, she made no objection. 8 hours after my first b3ta bash I arrive home... covered in blood, no lenses in my glasses, cuts on my various parts of my body and a huge gash on my chin, which turned out to be a fractured jaw. I'm now banned from meeting "fucking b3ta weirdos" (mrandrist) >> This Week's Question - Racist Grandparents << We'd like to hope that older generations are the last bastions of casual racism, or is it just the way they express it that shocks? Tell us your stories and we'll find out: http://b3ta.com/questions/racistgrandparents/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> £50 photoshops << We have a new design coming our way for the VAT cheat's favourite note. We actually considered doing this for an image challenge but you silly billies didn't vote for it, leaving the door wide open for these bastards: http://fiftyforfifty.tumblr.com/ >> Awkward poses << Lots of models. All looking slightly odd. Still, you'll probably be able to crack one out. http://awkwardposes.tumblr.com/ >> Apple gift catalogue << Before Apple were cool they were kind of er... cheesy. And to think Jobs claimed that Bill Gates had no taste. BTW: Just to spread the views of dissent we're throwing in an obit from free software pioneer Richard Stallman that we love, "Steve Jobs, the pioneer of the computer as a jail made cool, designed to sever fools from their freedom, has died." http://goo.gl/y47SN >> Groan My IP.com << Is getting one of the Village People to moan out your IP address in a "sexy" voice homophobic? Our moral compass broke years ago, but the giggleometer still works. http://groanmyip.com/ >> Ed Wood novels << Ed Wood, tranny and film maker, is probably known to you as the subject of the only truly great film Johnny Depp has starred in. But did you know he was an author? The subject matter you can probably predict: http://boo-hooray.com/ed-wood/ed-woods-sleaze-pape... ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH Baby and bulldog snoozing David Hart writes, "Seems a long time since any cute kittens or animals. Maybe we can get it rolling and keep the newsletter interesting for my girlfriend with this." Sure to work if she likes cute babies, or cute animals with similar proportions to hairy, ugly, muscular babies. http://www.YouTube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Bite-sized visual propaganda units YAY! >> Plane landing, no front wheels << Especially worth watching if you're a nervous flyer - look! Planes are safe, even when important bits fall off! http://t.co/GhpWLOGa >> Louis Theroux, Adam Buxton, Joe Cornish dancing << Forever answering the question; which of these nerdish titans has the best moves. BTW lest ye mock, everybody danced this way in 1990. It was acceptable at the time. http://goo.gl/KMgJR >> Shopping online/offline experience << Amusing ad for Google that explains why shopping online is shit. Thanks guys - although our massive laziness about leaving the house on a drizzly morning can overcome pretty much any obstacle. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Shopping_online_offline_... >> FOX NEWS UK covers Occupy LSX << Hard to parody Fox, but this guy has a good old go, sticking his mic in people's faces and demanding to know when they're going to riot. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Koi observation turret << Basically, turn a fish bowl upside-down and float it on a circle of cork over a fish pond. Those whimsical fishies can't resist swimming up to gawp at the view! Or, more likely, continue to lurk at the bottom, uninterested in anything but food and occasionally savaging chunks off the smallest fish. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Koi_Pearl ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Ha ha call a nurse we're going to stab our face * FAT KID / JABBA THE HUTT - probably photoshopped, definitely mean and absolutely everywhere this week. http://www.b3tards.com/u/fa2a3ab468c53bb760c2/jabb... * HOW SAFE IS ONLINE BANKING? - a nice reassurance from Barclays. http://pic.twitter.com/rws3VQsr ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from "News / Computer Games" Challenge Last week we wanted you to take any story from the news and turn it into a fun game. Thanks to Monkeon for the idea. Our favourites included: * JET SET WILLY AT #OCCUPYLSX - Miner Willy's shows despite the millions he grabbed from raiding that mine, he still considers himself part of the 99%. (Moon Girl Technologies) http://b3ta.com/board/10583244 * 80s RETRO GAME SIMULATOR - correctly pointing out that no one has emulated the wider experience of playing computer games in the 80s. (Clay) http://b3ta.com/board/10579024 * TWIN TOWERS TETRIS - if Al-Qaeda hadn't crashed two passenger jets into the World Trade Centre then how would B3ta have had anything to photoshop? I think you see how we're joining the dots here... (Mr Dogshit) http://b3ta.com/board/10579368 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://b3ta.com/challenge/newsintocomputergames/ >> New challenge: The b3ta City << If b3ta were a real metropolis, what would we expect to see and do there? What would the buildings look like? And the inhabitants? Answers, please, in the form of this week's challenge, as suggested by Bourbon Fox. http://b3ta.com/challenge/b3tacity/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * BRIAN BLESSED ALARM CLOCK - You might remember Rich Gardener put together a project where he got Brian Blessed to make a SatNav. His plan now is to build an iPhone alarm clock with Brian's voice so you can be woken up with a Blessed shouting at you. Just like being his wife. Watch the preview vid here - app to be launched in Nov: http://bit.ly/sp7fWF * WHAT DIDN'T HAPPEN NEXT - TownsendsPublisher writes, "Probably just a coincidence, but since my suggestion for a subject line about the newsletter being the "Guardian Guide's internet page a day early" the Guardian Guide has stopped running an internet page. Coincidence?" Hmm, probably, though it always was fucking useless - who wants a bunch of random links in a paper based thingie? * SHED OF THE YEAR 2012 - share your shed writes, "2012 is the 6th year we have run Shed of the Year competition - and you b3tans & the Ginger Fuhrer have been great supporters over the years - with a few mentions in the newsletters and such, plus a shed is the perfect retreat to browse b3ta :) This year not only do we have Sheddies favorite Sarah Beeny as a judge, we are now joined by author Neil Gaiman - who writes his stuff in a shed." http://goo.gl/3EV5w ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME See how far you can walk holding your breath Can you get to your corner shop? The point of this game is the same as all games - momentary distraction during the inevitable trudge towards death. Oh you want a flash game? Hmm. Ok, let's imagine one. Frogger Motorway. The cars are too fast to pass. You die, die, die, but eventually you realise you can move backwards away from the motorway and live out your days peaceably in an unspoiled paradise. 5 stars, would play again. ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * MORSE CODE - Has anyone edited Inspector Morse so he speaks only in bleeps, plus endless perplexed faces pulled by Lewis? * OS DUCKING - You know what we'd like built into our OS? Ducking. Say I've got Spotify playing some music - when I play a YouTube vid, Spotify gets quieter * "WE MISS YOU" - a collection of plaintive emails from marginalised Web 2.0 sites asking why you don't visit these days. (We even had one from Dropbox recently, complaining we weren't sharing files like we used to. *sings "you used to bring me jpegs"*) Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. We Make £437 Every Day Working From Home (printing out fake tenners). Stuff sent in by (or nicked from) JohnMoynes, Mandrake, mcgi5sr2, pissflaps, WiL, barryheadwound, @davebirss, @denialvibes, @DaveExclamationMark Subjlols via Saner. Top Tippery by PERSONALITY HORSE. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Get a large sausage, slice it lengthways to a depth of about 2/3s its width, shove a breadstick in. Now you have an inside-out hotdog; the perfect mutant snack for Halloween. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive