we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "WOOT WOOT 500TH NEWSLETTER" next issue » « previous issue +-----------------------------------------------+ | SPECIAL B3TA 500TH EDITION COUPON | | 'cos all the cool kids love coupons these days| | | | Simply present this to you current employer | | and get a free, yes FREE, P45 | +-----------------------------------------------+ This Week: * CHIP SHOP - a celebration in rap * BARONESS THATCHER - Your sexy fanfic * FOOD - Shepherds' Trifle ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're drinking ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. We only bite if you pay us to bite. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Shifle, Porn, Paranoia and Chips >> Shepherd's Trifle << "Remember the episode of Friends where Rachel accidentally made half an English trifle and half a shepherd's pie?" prompts pollyoc. "My friends didn't think it would taste that bad and claimed they'd eat it no problem." Some lovely moments of foody disgust. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> "I was looking at porn" << "I wrote a song. I made a video," writes ginger fuhrer Rob. It's about George Osborne. Might be NSFW, depending on your office. http://b3ta.com/links/I_was_looking_at_porn >> Paranoid Cat a la Hanna-Barbera << You've almost certainly already seen the original Paranoid Cat vid, but fear not, as aMac has improved it. "I had nothing better to do today so I crudely knocked this together," he confesses. http://b3ta.com/links/Paranoid_Cat_a_la_Hanna_Barb... >> cHip sHop - tickle vs dead prez << "What are you having for dinner?" inquires tickle. Full-length celebration of what our local chippie describes as 'the healthiest meal for all the family'. Minor swears, because it's 'street'. http://b3ta.com/links/cHip_sHop_tickle_vs_dead_pre... ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Iffy Crushes Last week we asked who you'd like to have sex with that isn't top of everyone's list. And why. It's the reasons why that are scaring us: http://b3ta.com/questions/iffycrushes/ * BARONESS THATCHER - "Hear me out. Not nowadays obviously, but back in her prime as the dynamic, groundbreaking, most important woman in the world heyday. Imagine the thrill of an illicit liaison in the corridors of power... You in your sharp pin-stripe whistle, the PM in a racing green tartan suit with shoulderpads and the finest pearls on her pale neck, her blouse open just enough for you to get an idea of the lazy curve that leads to her puffy, ginger-girl breasts. She beckons you into her private office and, once the oak door slides shut behind you, she grabs you by the tie and pulls you over to her desk. She strips you down to your Churchs and sockgarters, orders you to spread yourself across the green leather of her desktop. Her voice is commanding but unlike her usual powerful oratory, there is a hint of derision. She intends to fuck you like everyone else. Looking back over your shoulder you see the baroness in all her glory, a metallic strap-on clamped over her M&S unmentionables. Startled, you turn to face her, both appalled and aroused as you realise the true origin of her nickname 'The Iron Lady'" (WormuIus) * BOTTOMY - "Back in 1992 Hugh Lennon was just a jobbing hypnotist doing the Student Union Bar rounds. If I recall, his show was free as part of my Fresher's Week which is why I ended up watching my heavy metal freak flatmate prove that he knew all the words to 'Bad' along with most of the dance moves. In fact, being a skinny, weird looking white bloke dressed head to toe in black, he looked uncannily like the real thing. I watched a girl I don't know eat an onion like it was an apple and a couple of guys get electric shocks every time they sat on their chairs. And then I watched Mai, the Malaysian Medical Student, being put in his trance and told he was all alone in a room. What followed, while hilarious to me at the time, is what has left me with a lifelong distaste for stage hypnotism, because it's fucking cruel. Mai described a bedroom, described being tied down on a bed. Hugh Lennon said something like, "Your ideal woman has just walked in, can you tell us who is there with you?" And we laughed, cruelly and spitefully when he answered "Virginia Bottomley." This would have been hard enough to live down, but Hugh wasn't done with the nastiness, not by a long shot. "And what is *snigger* Virginia Bottomley doing?" "She's pushing a broom handle up my bum." (scarpe) * THE QUEEN - "Simply to see if she tastes of stamps...you know, down there..." (Godwin's Lawyer) >> This Week's Question - Mysteries << Tell us about your feats of deduction and the little mysteries you've solved. Alternatively, tell us about the simple, everyday things that mystify you still. Talk to us here: http://b3ta.com/questions/wearedetective/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Highdeas - stoner logic << A site for the thoughts you came up with whilst on drugs. E.g. "Midget Village: Buy a forest. Adopt 8 midget babies every year (mixed race). Be the only non-midget around and raise them to think you're their god." http://highdeas.com/popular/topalltime >> Are most movies and TV sexist? << There is a test - The Bechdel Test - and it's illuminating - a film is worth seeing if: 1) There are at least two named female characters, who 2) Talk to each other about 3) Something other than a man. http://www.flickr.com/photos/zizyphus/34585797/ >> Family tech support woe << The meme for people who have to do tech support for family members. http://bit.ly/fYWF2H >> Shit that Siri says << Apparently the new iPhone 4S responds to voice commands (we remember crap like this in the 90s called Dragon Dictate and it was bloody awful) - and, unsuprisingly, it reads like Hal on stupid pills. Still, as a vision of a future, where we're plugged in and talking to electronic devices instead of friends, why do we even need dystopian sci-fi anyway? http://shitthatsirisays.tumblr.com >> 1976 Argos catalogue scan... << If you loved the 80's one, this will equally delight and confuse... and make you covet the precious, precious shiny that can no longer be bought. You could always try looking in landfills. http://goo.gl/ocvwj >> Blog about talking to people on Tube << More interesting than it sounds. London newcomer aims to break the "no talking to strangers on the Tube" rule by aggressively chatting people up, with mixed results. http://londontalkingblog.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Tiny tellylols >> "A magazine is an iPad that doesn't work" << Interesting take on that vid doing the rounds, the one that shows a one-year-old child being unable to operate a magazine. We can't get over how quickly it'll date with phrases like "Steve Jobs has recoded her OS". http://goo.gl/hhBgQ >> The Thing: The Musical << John Carpenter's body horror classic, in a new, musical interpretation. Guaranteed* to be better than the remakequelfranchisingation they're currently doing. *Terms and conditions apply. http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Thing_The_Musical >> Snoop Dog meets champion vegetable grower << In the run-up to a Cardiff concert, Snoop sought the advice of Welsh farmer Ian Neale on "growing plants". Mr. Neale is the record holder for the world's largest swede. http://goo.gl/4vcYc >> Plot Device << Cracking actioner, as young film-maker buys the one thing still missing from his ambitious first project. Awesome. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Plot_Device:2 ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Funny as in shit, as per usual * BBC DEAF CAPTIONS - they meant "wellies" not "willies" http://goo.gl/UvvsJ * GREATEST NAME EVER - The URL spoils the surprise, so we're going to shorten it. http://goo.gl/e9Atn * PUBES LOGO - Yeah yeah, everyone has a logo that looks like a penis these days but what about one that looks like the clippings you'd leave after a trimming? http://www.morphinterior.com/ * EXPENSIVE WATCH - with tits. http://goo.gl/mcmS8 ------------------------------------------------- : SIGNS OF THE APOCALYPSE Keyboard Cat cuddly toy They dug oil out of the ground. Kids worked for slave wages. Humanity crushed and a planet destroyed, all to gouge pennies out of nerds who liked a web joke. Civilisation really isn't worth saving. http://pic.twitter.com/iX8w4d7p ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Real citizenship test Immigrants coming to the UK have to do a citizen test, asking them arcane points about UK law that few who live here actually know about. This would be a much better test: http://www.realcitizenshiptest.co.uk/quiz.php ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the dinosaur challenge Last week we wanted you to send us money and drugs but instead you chose to fiddle with photoshop. Your best (non money or drugs) work includes: * NATURAL HISTORY MUSEUM - (Mozza) http://b3ta.com/board/10562905 * JURASSIC PARK - (Joe Scaramanga) http://b3ta.com/board/10563078 * JEALOUS GIRAFFES - (Ben Molesworth ) http://b3ta.com/board/10563290 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://b3ta.com/challenge/moderndinosaurs/ >> New challenge: What would Jesus do? << Imagine Jesus solving the ordinary problems of the modern world. Getting a place on the Tube, putting together an Ikea desk or trying to cook up a reasonable meal when there's bugger all in the fridge. http://b3ta.com/challenge/whatwouldjesusdo/popular... ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * EARWAX CANDLES - "If you've already been sent this, then I apologise," writes evil_andy. Although, frankly, he should apologise anyway, as an actual, real-life earwax candle is incredibly gross. Seriously, we threw up a little in our mouths. http://www.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : OBITS Valin Michael writes, "Valin aka Nick Rae died Tuesday morning oct 11th at 8:30 a.m. He loved this forum. He will be missed, like rain or summer." http://www.b3ta.com/users/profile.php ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * SELLOTAPE YOUR THUMBS TO YOUR HANDS - what's it like living without opposable thumbs? * FOOD THAT TAKES A LONG TIME TO EAT BUT ISN'T CALORIFIC - we noticed that the Eat chicken noodle soup took us 4 times as long to eat as our friend's sandwich but was about 290calories and left us feeling rather full. Surely more food should be designed like this to stop us all being fatties? * CYBERCHRIST - turn off your iPhone, social networks and the electronic nipple of the internet for 40 days and 40 nights. No matter how the Devil tempts you, do not weaken. Write what you learn as some kind of Bi(nary)ble. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by UltimateMonkey, JC Custer, @piersb @ereuben, @lrs, the_log_knows, jhex6, beaverwastemanagement, BrokenToaster, Kushan, *not logged in*, gibell, concurrency, @mattround, @Grant___ Grant Top Tippery by (robneymcplum) Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Surprise your partner when receiving oral sex by texting to inform them. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive