we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "THE WORLD'S PREMIERE COLONEL GADAFFI FANZINE" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * POSSIBLY - "Margaret Thatcher has eaten my sperm" * KLF - Google map * CUTE - Otters and kittens ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're sniffing ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Clive, KLF, Signs, Catslugs and Acid >> KLF Google Map << "I made a KLF Google map," boasts Drew Badly. "I say 'made', I compiled it. I got snowed in and the locations just kept on getting added." An obscure and peculiar guide to the movements of the cult 90s group. Right up our street. A-ha, a-ha. http://g.co/maps/5yzf >> When Clive Was Alive << "When Clive Was Alive is a lovely little song I done," intimates Joel Veitch. "S'animated by Lee Hardcastle innit." Grisly cuteness. http://b3ta.com/links/When_Clive_Was_Alive >> Signs 2 << Road signs come to life, in this charming little film from Black Moon. "It took much longer than I expected it to," he says. "But when you've started..." http://www.b3ta.com/links/Signs_2 >> Catslugs Episode 1 << "Here's an episode from a weekly series I'm making, called Catslugs," explains grape-productions. "I've found people like watching cute things in pain." Either he's found the formula for web viral gold, or this is how people start out as serial killers. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Catslugs_E01_Seed >> Acid Relief << "This is a compilation of acid house, techno, rave, and electro I've helped put together to raise money for the DEC's East Africa Famine Relief work," writes Mildred. "Some great new tracks from artists such as LFO, Luke Vibert, Ben Sims and Slipmatt. It's completely free to download, you can choose to pay what you want or donate directly via just giving." Enjoy some 303 techno and it's all for charidee... http://balkanvinyl.bandcamp.com/album/acid-relief ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Overheard Secrets Like a geeky Echelon triggering on "pregnant" and "not the father" rather than "bomb", it seems you've heard it all: http://b3ta.com/questions/overheard/ * DINNER AND A SHOW - "Sitting in a pub having a quiet schnitzel and chips with the missus when a couple walked in and took a table around the corner from us. The shape of the restaurant area meant they clearly didn't think anyone was near them and we'd not said anything as we were eating. "Look before we order, I want to tell you something," she said. "I was pregnant, but I'm not anymore. As of this last week." And so it began. Girl had been pregnant, guy outraged he'd not been told. Girl counters with they'd been broken up for the past month and she didn't know if they were ever getting back together, Guy consoles with how horrible for you to go through that alone. Girl reveals abortion, Guy returns to outraged. Girl reveals Guy not the father, Guy advances to apoplectic, Girl only slept with someone else because she'd found out about Guy and Girl's best friend. Guy ashamed. Girl admits Girl only with Guy now to hurt him, Guy only with Girl now to win her back. Girl didn't love Guy at all, Guy only loved Girl. Girl cried and said Girl really loved him too, Guy said, "Ha!" I lied. I don't really love you." Girl uses bad word, Guy dashes down cutlery... and a woman walked up to say, "Hi there, just wondering if you'd like to take part in the trivia contest later? Here's a pen and... oh, have I come at a bad time?" Trivia lady left, Guy stormed off and Girl, with a defiant snort, got up to leave as well... and saw us sitting there, slack-jawed, with a fork still halfway to our mouths from when they'd started five minutes before." (difficultchild) * CLOSETTY - "I was drinking in a fairly nice pub in Manchester. Getting a round in, I ended up stood at the bar next to two horrible-looking blokes - you know the type: would probably list their job as "security consultant", steroid pumped muscles, too much jewellery, all that... Successful drug-dealers, basically. I was trying to shuffle away from them a little, lest I be accused of looking at their pint, when: #1 "I think Dave might be gay" #2 "Dave who? Our Dave? No way?" "Yeah, our Dave. I really think he is." "What the fuck makes you say that?" "Well, we were out on the lash the other night and we pulled some student bird. We took her back to my place and we were splitting her, like. I was giving her a good piping when Dave suddenly stuck his cock up my arse!" "Fucking hell!" "Yeah..." "What did you do then?" "Well, I kinda liked it..." (ScousersPet) * VISTA - "A tiny, shrivelled, possibly mad, old woman being pushed in a wheelchair by her carer towards the beach some 200 yards from her seafront nursing home, declared as they passed where I was sitting minding my own business, "Oh not the fucking sea again..." The majestic wildebeest presumably being busy elsewhere." (LisawithoutaC) >> This Week's Question: Hell << Tell us about the times you've been to a place of worship, and, naturally, how you are now consigned to the everlasting fires of Hell: http://b3ta.com/questions/church/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Please please let this be true << Interview with Chuck Palahniuk. Check out the anecdote under the heading 'Galvanising a Generation'. Clue - search for "Margaret Thatcher has eaten my sperm." http://www.shortlist.com/entertainment/films/chuck... >> Spot the IT Guy << Clue, he's the guy with the sexy face that all the girls love. http://bit.ly/qJCv1V >> The War of The Worlds Musical as a Book< If your day is flagging a bit then you haven't stuck on Jeff Wayne's Musical Version of The War of The Worlds yet. Do it. And to get you in the mood - read this: http://t.co/2pirwvv >> We *heart* Blade runner << A Tumblr dedicated to stuff about Blade Runner, before Ridley Scott ruins it again. http://1187hunterwasser.tumblr.com >> Playing twitter at it's own game << An archive of Scots comedian @DaftLimmy trying to lose 1000 followers in 24 hours. http://t.co/I9DBOJk ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH Otters and kittens Popbitch will have a anal orgasm when it sees this: http://t.co/F1w1cae ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Like a Casio video watch but on your PC >> "Don't jump, Edward" << Unexpected resolution to toddler drama. http://t.co/39k3vJR >> Sexy hiking dance << Rambling man can't believe this feast for the eyes, during a walk in the hills. What on earth is going on? Less sexist than we assumed at first. http://www.b3ta.com/links/if_you_go_down_to_the_wo... >> Half-ass Jackass << Posse of edgy New Zealanders set out to prove that their TV is every bit as exciting as the US version. Brilliant - more enjoyable than the original. http://www.b3ta.com/links/New_Zealands_version_of_... >> Like a BUS! << The driver of route 62 just does not give a fuck. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Like_a_BUS >> Cat takes out impostor << Bert the cat freaks out! This is why Invasion of the Bodysnatchers didn't have them impersonate cats. One of the reasons. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Bert_The_Cat_Takes_Out_T... >> 'Sextape' by Smearballs << Incredible editing skills used to inventively eliminate even the faintest whiff of sense from US daytime TV. With Whoopi Goldberg. Amazing stuff. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Whoopi_Goldberg_in_Sexta... >> Chatbot vs. Chatbot << Two AIs left to their own conversation, resulting in surrealist lols. http://www.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Two-thirds watertight this week * 15 PRODUCTS MADE UNINTENTIONALLY OFFENSIVE BY CARELESS STICKER PLACEMENTS - we're guessing the word 'unintentionally' is misused. (via @rmt_1982) http://bit.ly/oRqfJW * OUR NEW FAVOURITE TENNIS PLAYER - Jack Sock. (via Rollerjooster) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_Sock * FISH AND LIES - we're unsure about the accuracy of this slogan - spotted in a fish and chip shop we visited in Hastings. http://yfrog.com/h0meycvj ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Disney Challenge Last week we wanted you to show us the dark side of Disney. Your favourites included: * SMUG - internal B3ta meme pitches for Pixar (Ninj) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10519339 * PASTA - the lady is much more of a tramp than anyone thought (maiden) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10521284 * HAIR - golden pubis thatch extension splendour (taters) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10517696 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/notdisney/ >> New challenge: Sexy Everyday Objects << Take a photo of everyday objects you've caught in compromising positions. Animating is optional, we just want to see the filthy buggers at it. Challenge suggested by HappyToast. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/everydaysexy/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * WIKIBITUARIES - last week we asked for a bank of crowdsourced obituaries, hopefully to get Z-listers to quit wasting their lives. Dave Gardiner has worked hard to oblige our whims. There's a few already in there, but please roll up your sleeves and get stuck in, if you have the celeb-venom to spare. http://www.wikibituraries.com/index.php * REMOVING VOCALS - Mystery Bob writes, "In response to Kael's request in the newsletter, there is a way to sort-of remove vocals from things. I wrote about it here." http://robbielesiuk.com/ BTW: matthewpettyuk also asks, "Could someone also do the same for Radiohead? Yorke's voice does my bleeding head in." * SAGE ADVICE - Freakmandu writes, "Your recent top tip (ants and talc) is fine, but if the ants are coming into the kitchen I always use a sprig of sage. Ants hate the smell of it, and it smells much more appropriate for a kitchen than talc." We tell you what ants also hate: fire. A burning kitchen has no ants. * COMMERCIAL WORK FOR CYRIAK - He writes, "Here's another video I did for Trident.This one features a giant polar bear wearing red speedos, of course." We demand that ad people let Cyriak use his own music. DEMAND! http://youtu.be/Vnm2fiLjN10 ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME 300 Lines A collaborative drawing app that shows the last 300 lines draw. @user24 writes, "I'm telling you, once there are a few users on it, it goes totally mental." http://300lin.es ALSO INTERESTING - but not something you can play in your browser is the stabyourself guys who are taking classic games and remixing them - Tetris with real world physics and Mario with Portal style shenanigans. http://stabyourself.net/nottetris2/ ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include *looks round kitchen for random inspiration* * MEATY SUBSTITUTES FOR VEGETABLES - why should vegetarians have all the fun with Quorn? We want carrots made of beef. * CHEESE LIQUEUR - surely some genius can combine fromage and alcohol into something that makes you simultaneously fat and drunk? * ACORN PANCAKES - apparently if you blanch acorns in boiling water you can remove the bitterness, then grind them down and make flour. We can't be arsed to do this but we think of it every time we see oak trees. Now you will too. You bunch of squirrels. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @bounder, The Archduke of South London, planearm, dirtyscarab, irongibbon, editorialgirl, WiL, Newshack, johnsto, @DTL, TownsendsPublisher, @deltorro01, @edwardrussia, @DFLamont, @cookdandbombd. Top Tippery by robneymcplum. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via Stallion_Explosion. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Sushi tastes much better cooked. Possibly with chips, also cooked. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive