we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "YOUR OTHER INADVERTENT WEEKLY DOSE OF ANTI-PSYCHOTICS" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * MONSTERS - 'Previously on Doctor Who' * DUCT TAPE - vs Tron * BEN WHEATLEY - talks Kill List ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're renting out ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then fax our amsphone: http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Other than making the other b3tans cry >> Previously, on Doctor Who << "New Doctor Who starts tomorrow and many folks won't have time to watch all 777 episodes to get caught up in time. So I've made this brief montage of the whole damn thing," blushes Vampiremonkeyonspeed. Highly enjoyable, if only to revel in very, very bad vintage SFX. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Oui Oui, Je Suis Gerard Depardieu << "A haw hee haw," drawls Fat Boab as he musically mocks the Gallic star's recent bathroom malfunction. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Oui_Oui_Je_Suis_Gerard_D... >> Thirty! << "This is a short, one-level game I made to mark my 30th birthday," moans yanmania, "and to show how I feel about it!" Yep, that game concept covers 30th birthdays well - also every subsequent birthday of your life. http://www.yanmania.com/index.php/comments/91/ >> I Swear, You're Famous << "Because I am a twat, whenever I interview anyone vaguely well-known, I try to get a photo of myself stood next to them swearing," explains mikeisbrill. "I want a fucking coffee-table book deal out of this." Hopefully this will make Mike a celebrity, then we can get a coffee-table book from being photographed next to him. http://iswearyourefamous.tumblr.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Performance in front of people We wanted to know if you've ever performed in front of an audience, voluntarily or otherwise, and got very different tales of mirth and woe: * BOG SONG - 'I'm heading for the toilets in a Mexican restaurant. As I enter, I can't fail to notice a tall black guy at the sinks combing his hair, wearing an electric pink zoot suit, complete with 70s-pimp-style pink fedora, I guess he was on his way to perform somewhere. I head for the cubicle, and am innocently minding my own business when I hear the pink dude starting to sing "Boogie Nights" to himself. A couple of lines in, the unseen occupant in the next cubicle starts to harmonise, singing the high parts. Now, I'm not particularly musical, but I do know this song and can hit low notes, so when the appropriate moments came I chimed in with the "Got to keep on dancing, keep on dancing". After the song ended I heard him say "Oh man, I can't believe nobody heard that!' (Moon Monkey) * NAME WRONG - 'I was nine years old and the school was bucking the trend of awful nativity plays with an ambitious stab at Dickens' A Christmas Carol instead. I really wanted Scrooge or one of the ghosts but playing Bob Cratchett knocked wearing a bed-sheet and shining a torch at three shepherds into a cocked hat. The opening scene was beautifully simple. Two desks on stage, Scrooge's front and centre with Bob's slightly behind and to the side. Each, in turn, illuminated by a single spotlight as the characters introduced themselves; Scrooge saying how he believed in hard work and that Christmas was a nonsense before moving on to Bob extolling the joys that Christmas can bring. I was buzzing with excitement. This was real theatre! Scrooge's light comes on: "My name is Ebeneezer Scrooge and I run a tight ship. I have no time for joy or frivolity and detest Christmas. It's a poor excuse to rob a man's pocket every December 25th and a humbug! HUMBUG!" My turn. My light comes on. This is it. I stand up and, addressing the audience in my finest theatre voice, loudly proclaim: "My name is Bob Catshit." I was a tree the next year.' (R.Jimlad) * SWEARS FOR THE DEAF - "I work as a sign language interpreter so I am usually up in front of people, such as groups of teenagers at college, arty farty types at festival talks and events, information events, wedding speeches, suited and booted serious types at work meetings or training or conferences, anything you can imagine doing in your life, I could be there sat in front of you. Most people are interested enough to watch for a bit to see what is going on with that lady flapping her hands around at the front, then generally lose interest and concentrate on the speaker. All audiences have one thing in common though, no matter who they are. You can 100% guarantee that the second, THE VERY SECOND any one utters the words, shit, fuck, bollocks, erectile dysfunction, vagina, marijuana, cocaine, fuck, sex, breasts, balls, penis, nipples, semen, cock, wanker, thrush, bullshit, masturbation, poo, wee, diarrhea or any other 'rude' word you can think of, every single eye in the house will turn to me, and look to see 'Ooooooooooo how do you sign THAT!'" (Herb Alperts Taxi Driver) >> This week: Overheard secrets << Ever heard someone blurt out their deepest, most embarrassing secrets, unaware that B3tan ears are listening in? Don't just sit there, tell us. http://b3ta.com/questions/overheard/ ------------------------------------------------- : COME TO THE HERO OF SWITZERLAND EXHIBITION You know you want to. Oh yes. Hero of Switzerland will be hosting and curating a group show at the VZ Gallery off of Brick Lane in Shoreditch from September 1st to 14th. We like them because they collect all the crappy top tips from magazines for cheap lols. http://goo.gl/1DhZ0 Their top tips stuff: http://goo.gl/rxkd9 ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Stocking is the new planking << Planking: the art of lying like a plank to, well, look like a plank. Stocking: the art of posing exactly like a contrived stock photo. Pandering: giving the internet exactly what it wants in the hope of getting attention: http://www.stockingisthenewplanking.com >> Why did you unfollow me? << A psychology of Twitter infographic. Insightful but missing some of the reasons we unfollowed people recently: 1. Posting hang 'em flog 'em guff after the riots. 2. Telling Tom Watson off for boring on about Murdoch. 3. Disagreeing with us about the best jam. http://tinyurl.com/3jze3fl >> HMV Oxford Street in the 1960s << Civilisation is extraordinary. To make sure people keep buying stuff and the capitalist wheels keep turning there's a constant change of fashions and technology - this is called consumer society. The other side of it is that we look back 50 years and barely recognise our world. There must be something better that can be done with the earth's precious resources. http://t.co/qnfGSWf >> Have they remade Back To The Future yet? << Hollywood loves remaking classic movies as it's an easy pitch. "Schindler's List with Eddie Murphy!" but fans hate it. It's like literally taking a dump on their childhood memories. The campaign starts now to Save BTTF. http://www.havetheyremadebacktothefutureyet.com >> Switcheroo << You know those headswap photoshops? Imagine that but without photoshop - no I don't mean an exciting new world of serial killer photography where they saw the heads off (as good as that would be) but simply clothes swapping. Warning: Those whose sexuality is largely based upon the cues of clothing might become aroused then wonder if they're gay. http://sincerelyhana.com/projects/switcheroo/ >> Scary Korean comic << Featuring an awesome technique that Scott McCloud could probably spin out into a new book where he optimistically hopes it could save the entire comics industry. http://t.co/Bay1ano ------------------------------------------------- : SIGNS OF THE APOCOLYPSE As capitalism eats itself and ruins the world * BETTER THE BREVILLE YOU KNOW - We finally knew society was doomed when Breville attempted to converge the radio and the toaster. Tempted to buy one and claim the two slots are for burning MP3s on your iPad. http://goo.gl/qOWre * BONO IS A SHONKY BASTARD - U2 have spun out one of their shitty old albums to 10 disks for £75. As if Bono's Facebook $billion wasn't enough. What are you going to do with the money Bono? Stick a hat on the moon? What kind of fan buys this - to surround themselves in U2 junk and lay there masturbating thinking of Larry Mullen Jnr? http://goo.gl/pyslO ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Like TV but with bonus b.b.b.buffering >> 3D Printer made from LEGO << But wait... it's not THAT one, this is a 3D printer. Well, okay, it's a milling machine, the difference being that a milling machine carves something out of a solid block. Still, very impressive and unbelievably accurate. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Printer_made_from_LEGO >> Duct tape vs. Tron << Exciting ad for duct tape that not only homages an iconic Tron scene but goes the extra mile for internet lols. (We feature the ad as we know many of our readers like to keep a roll or two in their backpacks.) http://www.b3ta.com/links/Awesome_duct_tape_ad >> "Portal Gun" << Excellent short film about a woman with one of they awesome portal guns, from the computer game of the same name. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Portal_Gun >> Shitty indescribable advert << The joy of the mass amateurisation of everything is seeing how crappy advertising can be. Truly awesome. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Normal women posing like models in public << Enjoyable in a Beadle's About kind of way, in seeing the public's reactions. People are genuinely concerned that the "models" are unwell. http://youtu.be/GPEcdcmnAA0 >> Firefighter Exam << Impressive speed demonstration of getting a ladder off an engine and fireman into a building. Wouldn't want to be in their way; you could end up just as dead as being caught in the fire. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Firefighter_Exam ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER We only run this shit out of self-loathing * SWEDISH COMPANY 'LOCUM' WITH AN UNFORTUNATE LOGO - we're so bored of this stuff we could barely work up the enthusiasm to click the link, but we laughed despite ourselves and then plunged into a trough of depression. http://yfrog.com/h2lsjdej * VIBRATORS - @ImVincentMurphy writes, "I see Ann Summers have released their new organic rabbit range." If That's Life was still being made they'd bite your arm off for this link. It's that good. http://twitpic.com/6bbx3d ------------------------------------------------- : BEN WHEATLEY Come and see his new film Kill List Old school B3tan Ben has followed up Down Terrace with something that's going to be at proper cinemas. Genuinely impressive stuff, so we've caught up with him for a quickie interview. B3ta: Fucking hell Ben, you've actually managed decent stab at a proper career in film making. How? Ben: I am as surprised about it as you. Next year I am making the comic I used to post on the board called "I Macrobane" into a film starring Nick Frost.. what about that? B3ta: Filming Kill List - what did you learn? Ben: I learnt that working with loads of naked people isn't as distracting as I thought it would be. B3ta: Ideal has been cancelled because you no longer work on it yes? Ben: If that was the reason I'd have offered to do another series to keep it going. Sadly, the world doesn't actually revolve around me. It was just the BBC being cunty. B3ta: Tell us an anecdote about someone famous you've met. Ben: I ran into Brian Blessed in the street the other week. I was with Kill List Producer Andy Starke. I introduced Andy to Brian (I know him from Wrong Door) and he said "HELLO ANDY... WHAT'S THAT?" and pointed to Andy's shirt. Andy looked down and Brian smacked him in the face. Brian Blessed. Legend. B3ta: Plug your film. Plug it like the wind. Ben: Kill List is a horror film and it's really horrible. There is extreme bloody violence and mass nudity. Unlike Down Terrace (my last film, available in Asda for £2 apparently) it might actually be on at a cinema near you from next Friday. There's also a premiere of my Frightfest on Sunday could you pimp it up? It's been getting some good reviews and that. http://www.frightfest.co.uk/2011films/killlist.htm... Watch the trailer here. And read the YouTube comments from jealous film geeks who haven't got their act together to make a feature film: http://www.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : BYE BYE SLASHDOT FOUNDER CmdrTaco resigns Back when we started B3ta in 2001 one of our influences was Slashdot, one of the few sites that understood that putting the site members at the heart of the content was the obvious way forward. Of course, now the world and its dog does it, but back then it was hard to convince anyone (well anyone with power and money) that it was the way to go. So long then, Rob Malda, we always loved you more than Kevin Rose anyway. http://t.co/k5IYrle ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Kid's TV Challenge Last week we wanted you to invent new shows for children's television. Your favourites included: * RACIST - revived Clangers franchise proves unpopular with modern audience (E Dubya) http://b3ta.com/board/10514129 * WARPED - like regular Sesame Street, but with added post-apocalyptic madness and killing (2 Can Chunder) http://b3ta.com/board/10512313 * MASH-UP - inventing amazing programme spinoffs so commissioning editors don't have to (fuxtix) http://b3ta.com/board/10514361 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://b3ta.com/challenge/newkidstv/ >> New challenge: Dark Disney << Disney is a wonderful, family-oriented company. But imagine if their characters were real, and had real-world problems. This week's challenge is to portray their miserable lives. Challenge suggested by fluffybunnykiller http://b3ta.com/challenge/notdisney/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * WHO IS CONNING WHO? A Tracey Emin piss-take from Beau Bo D'Or signed by Tracey Emin is being sold online. http://www.ou1.com/119 * RTing OUR OWN FAN MAIL - @youvebinframed writes," Hi B3ta, Thanks for making our Twitter feed @youvebinframed your follow Friday it means a lot to us, we've been massive fans of B3ta for years and this is something of a anoraky geek highpoint for us. Cheers! :)" ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * WIKIBITUARIES - barryheadwound asks, "Everybody knows that all the major news media maintain a load of obituaries on the shelf ready for when ageing or particularly hardcore public figures drop off the twig, and equally there's the old wikideaths lark of killing people off on Wikipedia. Why not bring the two together to create a resource where a community of - admittedly probably a bit morbid - people maintain a resource of user-generated obituaries for slebs and other public figures?" * LED ZEPPELIN MINUS ROBERT PLANT - kael asks, "Is there anyone out there in b3ta-ville with musical-computer-skills magical enough to totally remove all of Robert Plant's contributions to the oeuvre of Led Zeppelin? Sometimes I wish he would just shut up, and I'd love to hear an alternative universe version of Zep where they were purely instrumental." We agree with this - Plant's voice has always put us off the Zep, despite Page's amazing guitar work. * A BUTTON TO TURN OFF TOBY YOUNG - a nation would thank you. Christ they even let the tosser on the radio now. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Just imagining a home bacon maker. You put a pig in it overnight and wake up to the smell of fresh bacon. Stuff sent in by @SetecAstronomy, @cr3, @rupinjapan, @Popjustice, @laurasnapes, @Itsallaboutcake, @lulutitters, @benjymous, robneymcplum, @CianHa, via Stashie, @megpickard, Pazuzu, @sirthopas & @JohnMoynes. I like to measure out my toothpaste at about a quarter of the length of my proboscis. I have a signal to nose ratio of 1:4. Top Tippery by "How Soon Is Now?" If my willy was the big hand and my balls the the small hand the time would currently be about 6:30. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Sometimes I like making my hand go to sleep and pretending it's someone else making me drink tea. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke, except when it's Scary Duck. Subjlols by joefish. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Avoid hearing Big Brother talk at work by taking a dump in the office lift. It will instantly become the only topic of the day. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive