we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "CHILEAN MINERS BEMOAN ONE YEAR SINCE THEY HAD GREAT ANAL SEX!" next issue » « previous issue "Chilean miners bemoan one year since they had great anal sex!" This Week: * OWLS - Rotated for Science * FLYERS - Silliest ever * BELUGA - Mariachi whale ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're dropping the ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Owls, Art and Drink >> Rotate Your Owl << "For Science!" cries an engorged Jonti Picking. Old-school rap stylings, plus owls, in a lab. This must be whatever the b3ta equivalent of linkbait is. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Rotate_Your_Owl >> Artgame << "You rock many times over, like a magical lake of horses wearing rocket packs," confides Jason. "Thusly, I'm sharing with you and yer glorious b3ta readers my recent artgame!" As near as we can tell, it's about having a nervous breakdown caused by recent trends in the residential real estate sector. http://www.secrettechnology.com/scrape/scrape1.htm... >> "We Love to Drink" << "What started life as an improvised song during a drinking game became a reality during the hangover the following day," cries Ornsack. Lovely vid - those guys really will drink anything. http://www.b3ta.com/links/We_Love_to_Drink ------------------------------------------------- : HELP A B3TAN INTO THE CHARTS Your Swedemason needs you! Top B3tan @swedemason is at number 40 in the mid-weeks with his 'Buttery Biscuit Bass' track that was premiered on B3ta, ooh, a month or two back. Please, please buy the single and get something into the charts with a better chorus than Swagger Jagger. http://goo.gl/RCZGT ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Conspicuous Consumption We wanted your purest moments of showing off and luxurious wallowing: http://b3ta.com/questions/consumption/ * SWEATBANDS - "I guess I was about 10 and my brother 7 and I was desperate to own a towelling wrist band. Preferably fluorescent yellow. I'd be the coolest kid in school. Eventually the constant whining got too much for my Nan, who gave me a fiver to run off to Ted Fenton's, or whatever the 1984 equivalent of JD Sports was. There we found, to my delight, that five pounds was a veritable fortune. I could afford wrist bands in Yellow, Blue, Green and Orange AND two towelling head bands. I was positively overwhelmed. With shaking hands I tore open my carrier bag of booty. I put a yellow band on my right wrist, green on my left, then a blue on my right and an orange on my left. Then I gave the others to my brother to do the same. I put a white headband on him and, finally, trembling with pride, I put the other one on me. I was the dog's bollocks, I was cooler than school. Between us we were the it-boys of Laindon. I walked chest forward, brother by my side, back to where Nan was waiting by the swings. And the big boys pissed themselves laughing. And I cried. And I never wore them again." (scarpe) * PIRATES - "I used to work as a photographer on a cruise liner. You got to see the world but you'd work 14-hour days taking pictures of people who thought you were vermin. That and the ship's cinema only showed family crap at least a year old. So when an entertainer came aboard with a pirate copy of The Dark Knight, my fellow photographers and I hatched a plan of daring luxury. We had the keys to the Captain's private lounge for setting up a crew awards ceremony. So the pirate Dark Knight and ourselves snuck in, careful at first to leave no sign of our invasion, but within ten minutes we'd cracked open bottles of officer-only champers and moved all the suites to face the ginormous flat-screen TV. We were in heaven, hidden deep within the ship. Somewhere around Maggie Gylenhall being blown to smithereens, all sat on the edge of the leather couches, half blazing, empty bottles of champagne strewn around, the door unlocked. Quick glances of ultra-dread are exchanged. This meant disembarkation for sure. I prayed silently for not an officer, for not security. Sunnil, the second-in-charge of security stuck his head round. This is it. We are fucking doomed. He stares at us. We know we are fucked. "Is that the new Batman?" "er...yes" "Fantastic!" he says as he nudges up on the couch and makes himself comfy. "Pass the champagne." (Raol Duke) * BUBBLES - "Staying in an outrageously expensive hotel for the first time in my life. My girlfriend went out shopping, and got back to find me wallowing in the spa bath topped by more than a foot of bubbles, reading The Economist, whilst smoking a cigar and wearing a monocle. She looked at me with disbelief. "What the hell?", she asked. "This is what capitalism is all about", I replied." (davywavy) >> This Week's Question - Annoying Partners << What winds you up about your significant other? If you have no partner, tell us about workmates. If you have no workmates, improvise with an annoying tramp: http://b3ta.com/questions/annoyingpartners/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Pointless Flyers << Good little collection of silliness stuck up in the street. You know the type; text says "cat found" but there's a picture of a badger. Except not that one. http://goo.gl/RA8RH >> Swapped logos << Pepsi in the style of Coke etc. Something we could do as an image challenge, possibly with more satirical intent - Daily Mail logo in the style of the Nazi party etc. http://t.co/OzuQQtN >> Liney thing << We remember stuff like this on old 80s computers; you'd draw a line then wait 30 mins for it to spin it into a wine glass. This is faster and, hence, it'll make your tits hard. http://www.zefrank.com/memory/stringspin/spin_1.ht... >> Very strange set of drawings << Comic book art + 2-colour pixelization + very weird subject matter. Arresting. http://unomoralez.com/img.html >> 360 degree view of space shuttle Discovery << Looks like the worst UI we've ever seen. And we've used Vista. http://goo.gl/nwI3J ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO It's b3ta to the max >> Mariachi band serenades Beluga Whale << Wonderful clip - and here's a tip - drop in your favourite tune, it works as a video for almost anything. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Mariachi_band_serenade_B... >> Angry Scouse Guitarist << Ageing guitarist struggles with his playing and it all turns to panic and rage - never a friend to a performance needing dexterity. Poor chap. http://t.co/U5Sd2MF >> Bill Drummond lecture << Oldsters who remember the KLF as the best thing to ever happen to pop music will delight at this Drummond lecture where he points out downloading has changed our relationship with music and suggests a move to a future where we experience and remember stuff instead of it all being a downloadable gloop. http://goo.gl/190FN >> Shit boot times vid << Blokey compares the boot-time of an old 80s mac to a modern laptop. Yes a modern PC does loads more shit but it's a good point well made. Sort it out, OS-twats. http://t.co/mhNEKYP >> Trolling your own wedding << Men! Ruin the wedding day of your wife by organising Gollum to turn up with the ring. "My precious" etc. She'll fucking hate you for it. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Gollum_at_the_wedding ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Double-headed unfunny action for joke-hole * Shi are IT specialists. http://shi.it/ * Check the postcode. http://goo.gl/GxwJZ ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Fake Ads Challenge Last week we wanted you to design adverts for anything. Your favourites included: * SHARK - the evolution of the Jaws franchise, from the past into the future (Clay) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10494881 * QUO - if Parfitt and Rossi were funeral directors. Funeral, btw, is an anagram of "real fun" (the stainless steel rat-boy) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10490519 * SHINY - a thing, advertised (Clay) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10491277 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/fakeads/ >> New challenge: Safety Posters << Attention b3tans: this week's challenge is to create realistic safety posters for the most absurd scenarios. Bonus points available for placing them in a real-life situations. Challenge suggested by The Great Architect. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/safetyposters/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * HANDS SOLO INTERVIEW - "Shortoftheweek.com is one of my favourite sites," writes helmsdeep. "So when they asked to interview me and feature Hands Solo as short of the week, I was well chuffed. Thought you might find it an interesting read." http://goo.gl/iVTiG * B3TA FANTASY FOOTBALL TIME - "Greetings men of Earth!" booms Druss_The_Legend. "I am well aware that football (and most other sports) has been viewed on our hallowed boards with scorn and pity but I am trying to get a b3ta Fantasy Football league together again this year, the more people the better! It is all good clean fun, though I feel that the use of the word fantasy should allow me to field a team of battle-hardened orcs. Never mind, eh!" http://www.b3ta.com/links/Fantasy_football_time_ag... * MORE UNICODE LOLS - "Unicode 6.0 adds some amazing glyphs alongside the symbol for pile of poo featured in last week's newsletter," informs OwlofDoom. "The most disturbing one I've found is U+1F3E9 'LOVE HOTEL'." http://www.fileformat.info/info/unicode/char/1f3e9... * SPINAL TAP HTML - xyandz writes, "As any Tap fan knows, there's an umlaut over the N in Spinal, but as far as I can tell there's no html code for that. Who do we lobby to get this fixed? There must be a way, but I don't know where the HTML Gods reside. Please, b3ta, can you use your influence with the great and good to make this happen?" * RE: THE BEEB'S LONDON BASE - Surprisingly Jeremy Clarkson has something to say on the subject, according to coobeastie. "He writes, 'I don't like vandalism, but if someone were to decorate one of the buildings with a giant purple cock and balls, I'd be tempted to give him a pat on the back and a puppy dog.' So, anyone want a free dog?" ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME VVVVVV Great little retro platformer that has you flipping gravity between ceiling and floor to rescue your missing shipmates. Bleeptastic soundtrack too. Yeah, this is just a 2-level demo, but it's tough enough to occupy some idle minutes. http://www.kongregate.com/games/TerryCavanagh/vvvv... ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * HE-TWEET OR SHE-TWEET? - Can you guess the gender from what they say? * DAILY MAIL OR CHILD PORN? - Can you tell where the images originated? (And for both satirical and legal reasons the answer is always DM) * YES or NO? Take the word "yes" in every language you can find and see if the internet thinks it means yes or no. Or is this super dull? Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by UltimateMonkey, @matthewgardner, MrPSB, beard, SnowyTheRabbit, @philsherry, @losttourist, @johnsto, The Archduke of South London. Top Tippery by MrOli. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via betpet. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Ants hate talc. Don't fuck about with expensive ant poison and traps: Ants hate talc. It sucks the water out of them and kills them and covers up the smells they left so they know where they've been. Find where they are getting into the house, squirt cheap talc everywhere around there and down their trail to the kitchen or wherever they've got to, then a few hours later hoover it all up. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive