we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "THE SATURDAY GUARDIAN INTERNET PAGE - ONE DAY EARLY" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * BEAUTIFUL - Buttery biscuit bass * BIZARRE - Strange pub find * BOLLOCKS - Auto-CV generator ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "As regular as your ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Bass, Trains, Secrets and Scots >> Buttery biscuit bass << "It's been so long, I forgot how to embed videos," confesses mashup maestro Swede Mason. But this Masterchef masterpiece is a thing of great joy. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Masterchef_Synesthesia:4 >> How to avoid getting hit by a train << "Parked your car on the tracks by mistake and you haven't got time to move it?" asks Black Moon. Here's how you resolve the situation. http://goo.gl/051RW >> Bizarre Pub Find << "Here's a real-life Easter egg," exclaims Dr.A. "No achievement though." FYI he isn't referring to the brightly-coloured, egg-shaped kind. What a strange thing. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Bizarre_Pub_Find >> 'Visit Scotland' << "The new Scottish tourism ads reminded me of something," explains The Great Architect. The new footage fits surprisingly well. http://goo.gl/Igwc2 ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Bedroom Disasters Last week we asked for the most terrible things that had ever happened to you in bed. What we weren't expecting was how one of you was so drunk, you tried to fuck your mum: http://b3ta.com/questions/bedroomdisasters/ * THUNK - "My new girlfriend told me she liked it rough. Despite having never done anything like that before, I think 'fuck it' and we go for it one night after a trip to the pub. Music is put on to cover the oncoming storm of grunts. She gets shoved onto the bed, hard, and lies there, legs akimbo, to let me ravish her (her term, I might add). After maybe a minute of such ravishing, I realise I'm getting minimal feedback. I look up. She'd hit her head on the wall when I shoved her... and I'd molested her while she was unconscious. We don't tell that one at dinner parties." (a gun that fires other, smaller guns) * TWOCK - "When I was about 12, I'd just made a dart-board box thingy in woodwork (you know, the things that open up and give you little blackboards either side). I hung it up and was throwing my first dart when a friend, with amazing timing, popped his head around the door and said 'hellooo' just in time to intercept my wayward dart with his face. The noise of impact, the sight of it stuck there at 90 degrees, square in the middle of his forehead and the changing expressions on his face as he realised what just happened followed by the noised he made as he danced up and down, with his little hands flopping on his wrists, will remain with me forever." (Zak McFlimby) * THWACK - "Many moons ago my father had three major influences in his life - the Royal Navy, a chronic sleep disorder, and quick fists. Thanks to the first of these, he and my mother found themselves living a balmy tropical lifestyle on the island of Mauritius in the early 70s. Idyllic, halcyon days of rum and sunshine, tempered only by my father's minimal duties and occasional, absolute batshit mentalism... One typically enchanting night, my parents were sleeping blissfully in the silence of their quarters. Unfortunately the nasty night demons were toying with my father's mind. Mumbling, tossing and turning, he suddenly sat bolt upright in bed like an electrocuted lobotomy patient. Fuck... there was someone stood in their room! No time to think. The time for action was now. "I AM MAN, AND MY KNUCKLES ARE LEGION" I like to think he screamed as he leaped at the shadowy stranger. A thunderous left hook right into the face of the hapless intruder and he literally exploded. Everywhere. Just like a mirror would, in fact. Yep, he'd decked his own reflection, severing an artery - 40 years later and he still has no feeling in half his hand, and an absolute canyon of a scar." (Wet-chinned bag shanker ) >> This Week's Question: useless old skills << What old, now-useless rubbish is so firmly stuck in your head that it'll never shake loose? Talk to us here: http://b3ta.com/questions/obsolete/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Ghost-It notes << A spooky and amusing story about passive aggressive notes being left in a house but they live alone... *Twilight Zone music* http://goo.gl/ciQD1 >> Instant Art Bollocks generator << Ideal for filling in the biography bit on your final year project at art school. Before you have to go and work in McDonalds or, if you have connections, an internship in the Tory party. http://bit.ly/kJeoVI >> Bad design for lols << Art project: factory workers produce incorrect versions of products they make every day. Reminds us of those old "Irish invention" jokes from the 70s: Parachutes that open on impact, inflatable dart-boards, etc. http://crmag.co.uk/loy1ja >> Collings and Herrin bust up << Unusual to hear about the petty jealousies caused in a close working relationship discussed so openly. Anyone who's ever collaborated on stuff should find something to identify with here. http://goo.gl/1ndDy >> WWII, before the war << Curious collection of photos of life before WW2 - our favourite pic is 31 which looks rather like a Nazi edition of Juke Box Jury. http://goo.gl/VBztU ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH Owls with stupid expressions on their faces Web legend Kim Plowright has been using Flickr to group her favourite owl pictures. We defy you not to smile. http://ow.ly/5uz1c ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO >> Radiohead redubbed << Continuing a meme that includes the one with Beyonce sounding very heavy on her feet. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Radiohead_are_ace >> Song to unborn grandchild << 1000% more awesome than it sounds. Might make children cry. http://youtu.be/YfY1lfFu8j8 >> Jimmy Page schools The Edge and Jack White << Clip from the movie "It Might Get Loud". As boring, old guitar players, we missed this flick and totally plan to watch it this weekend. (We'd also like a remake with our favourite post punk guitarists like Robert Smith, Johnny Marr and John McGeoch (googles for spelling, oh he's dead.) http://goo.gl/492qH >> Fish Orgy << So some fish are having a nice quiet fuck orgy and you choose to drive your powerboat through it. Dicks. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Holy_Carp >> BBC test scrambling << @IrregularShed writes, "As splendid nerds, you might enjoy this. It's what the BBC used to test scrambling, circa 1991." It's really quite enjoyable - something to stick on after a hard day programming your BBC Micro. http://post.ly/2J7iC >> Bestest ever animation ever << Prepare to be thrilled with the kind of CGI Hollywood can only dream about: http://t.co/de33NC7 >> Greenpeace VW / Starwars spoof << Loving this not because it's funny or brilliant executed, it isn't, but that it sticks Vs to the intellectual property of George Lucas, leaving Greenpeace hugely legally exposed. Yet if VW or George Lucas sue they'd become famous for being the guys who killed Greenpeace, which would be the PR disaster of the age. http://goo.gl/SCLJT And speaking of bad Star Wars rip offs, this is much funnier, if less interesting politically: http://t.co/6Ny3FMl ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Secret Kitchen Challenge Last week we wanted you to picture what the stuff in your kitchen gets up to when you're not there Your favourites included: * CHICKEN - utterly disturbing self- pleasuring fowl action (Fresh Water Mole) http://b3ta.com/board/10459062 * OVEN - fiendishly clever YouTube / Microwave mash-up gag (monkeon) http://b3ta.com/board/10459140 * EGGS - sensational egg-box Tetris imagining triumph (SauronWibble) http://b3ta.com/board/10459002 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://b3ta.com/challenge/kitchens/ >> New challenge: Jumpy Orange Shapes << This week's challenge is highly technical: to make beautiful, joyous (or dark and ugly) things out of jumpy orange shapes. Challenge suggested by Barbarossa http://b3ta.com/challenge/jumpyorangeshapes/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * GOOGLE TIME MAP - leo writes, "In the newsletter you asked for a way to show travel time -vs- distance in Google Maps. I think you are looking for Mapnificent, as reviewed in the Economist. It covers London and Manchester in England. I tried it for Los Angeles, where I live but I think it is missing the Big Blue Bus routes. So good but not yet perfect." http://www.economist.com/blogs/gulliver/2011/06/ma... * KENEFIT for Darklord. "Hello dear B3TA," writes tootla. "Thought some of you might like to know there's a special party, or a Kenefit if you will, in honour of our dear, departed friend. It's in London at East Village, July 14th. Mega line-up of DJs and will be a right hoot. Be great to have a B3TA presence down there." http://goo.gl/0FPQA * COMEDY SALE - A couple of weeks ago, b3tan and comedian Sanderson Jones told us all his plan to sell tickets to his forthcoming show by meeting all of the audience members in person. He writes, "Thought you might want to see a video of me failing to sell tickets. I went to Soho a week or so back and just had people say 'No' to me. Not fun. Bearing in mind selling tickets like that is a key part of my business model, I am scratching my head at the moment." Keep plugging away, Sanderson! http://bit.ly/jxlgR5 * B3TA SCREENSAVER FOR OSX - "I spent a few hours noodling around and ended up with a screensaver that puts the contents of the messageboard on your monitor," writes the rather clever c@bbage. "Not working perfectly yet, but doesn't look too bad. Take it out for a spin and see what you think." http://ruletheweb.co.uk/b3ta/screen-saver.html ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Booze Up A nice little platformer in the vein of Jumpman. With a bit of a b3tan feel. http://www.freewebarcade.com/game/boozeup/ ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * LOGAN'S RUN FOR PETS - just looking at our horrid old cat and thinking it would be more efficient if they had a glowing thing in their paw so you know when they're going to die. And you could plan getting a new kitten. * GENETICALLY-ENGINEERED BABIES THAT DON'T CRY OR SHIT - no reason. * AN OFF BUTTON FOR YOUR BRAIN - that doesn't give you a hangover. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Kiss you: [email protected] Miss you: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by cartelmike, @IAreSteev, Faceburger, foxprorawks, The Great Architect, moogthedog, Old_Holborn, @iamjamesward, @JamesWard, @erocdrahs, UHMUHRAKA! Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Tip via The Archduke of South London. Subjlols via TownsendsPublisher. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Cheapskates! Make your own porn using commonly available punctuation marks: (. )(. ) next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive