we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "UNLIKE LEICESTER, WE HAVE A ZOMBIE ATTACK STRATEGY" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * SPACE - Zoomy fractal music vid * COMIC - Morbid geese * DR WHO - The anime! ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're mining the web's ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Fractals, Doo-Dahs and Dares >> Zoomy fractal music vid << "The band is called 'Hooray for Earth'," explains mutated monty, of this gently bleepy tuneage. "Never heard of them myself, but it gave me a good excuse to do something with isometric fractals." http://www.b3ta.com/links/A_new_music_video_I_made >> Camptown races script << "Ever been reading your favourite online news site, stumbled across a headline with seven syllables, and followed it in your head with doo-dah, doo-dah, in the style of Camptown Races?" asks Tom Scott. "Well, I have. And now you can too, with this Greasemonkey script!" http://www.tomscott.com/camptown-news/ >> YouTube Chatterbox << A 'chatterbox' being one of those foldy eggbox-looking things you used to play with at school, with a dare or an insult under every flap. "A few weeks ago my daughter came home with a chatterbox," writes Dave. "It just so happened that I was tinkering about with video stuff on YouTube at the time and realised that you'd be able to bring it to life through video. Only go through with the videos if you're willing to act on the dare!" http://www.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Grandparents Last week we asked you for stories about your grandparents. There's a lot of love in here: http://b3ta.com/questions/grandparents/ * SEX - "I was with gran in town one day when she was booking a coach trip. The girl on the counter asked if she wanted a double bed or two singles. Gran turned around and said, "A double bed, please dear. My Albert can still get the job done." Me and the counter lass both blushed massive shades of red." (Rogerthestarfish) * THRUSTS - "When I was about 8, my Nanna and Grandpa Roy lived in a block of flats in Walderslade in Chatham and around the flat was a large, grassed area where the local kids played football. Recently they had taken to kicking the ball against the side of the block which infuriated Nanna. Consequently, she spent a lot of her time standing on her balcony shaking her fist at the kids and telling them to 'sod off'. One Sunday, Mum, Dad, my little sister and I trundled round there for one of Nanna's Sunday roasts and when she opened the door my poor 8-year-old eyes nearly popped out of their sockets. She was wearing an apron, but not just any old apron, this was an apron with a pair of rubberised DD boobies on the front and a curious flap at groin level. As the adults made small talk and we terrorised her two pet terrapins, the thud from the football being kicked against the side of the block of flats became louder and more persistent so Nanna, with a look of fury on her face, marched out of the flat and round to the kids and shouted, 'OI, CLEAR OFF YOU LITTLE SODS BEFORE I SEND MY ROY DOWN HERE TO GIVE YOU A BLOODY GOOD HIDING...' She trailed off, staring at the startled little row of 'O' shaped mouths and eyes in front of her. When she realised that she was standing there in The Apron, she chuckled, gave a raunchy wiggle, planted her feet hip width apart and lifted the flap, which contained a rubberised willy complete with pubes and ballbag, gave a pelvic thrust and shouted 'COOOOOEEEEEEEEE' as the little moppets scattered, never to return." (GirlOfTheWorld) * AND ROCK'N'ROLL - "My Grandfather was an English professor - in the 70s it was his expert testimony that enabled the Sex Pistols to call their LP 'Never Mind The Bollocks' as he attested 'bollocks' was not technically an obscene word. The band gave him a copy of the album signed by them all, thanking him for his pivotal assistance. My lovely old gran gave it to Oxfam in the 80s, unplayed. AAAARRRRGHH! (Incidentally during the trial the prosecution tried to belittle my grandfather; "so, you're an expert on the word 'bollocks' are you?" they asked him. "Oh, no," he replied, "I can tell you all about 'fuck' and 'shit' too.") (Monty Boyce) >> This Week's Question: Fairgrounds << Fairgrounds, theme parks, circuses, carnivals. C'mon: scream if you want to type faster: http://b3ta.com/questions/fairgrounds/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Morbid geese comic << About geese and blood and dads and death and stuff. Long but satisfying, much like our penis. http://www.ryan-a.com/comics/roof.htm >> Unlikely 1984 review "Orwell completely fails to capture the uplifting vibe that was the pop explosion of 1984", as found on the Amazon home shopping network: http://goo.gl/0YRZx >> The stupid faces of Dr Who << Apparently Doc Who (as nobody calls him) has a very stupid face, as these screengrabs 100% prove. http://stupidfacesofdoctorwho.tumblr.com/ >> Guy trolls dating site << Cruel? Yes. Funny? Yes. http://imgur.com/a/D17ll >> Dad dresses up in a different costume ... << ...every day to wave good-bye. Looked at these pics for a while, then noticed Dad was missing a leg. So there's a tip if you are missing a leg; wear a silly costume and it won't be the first thing people will notice. http://www.waveatthebus.blogspot.com/ >> All Wikipedia articles lead to Philosophy? << Pastor of Muppets writes, "Having a browse through xkcd, noticed the alt-text on this one which says 'Wikipedia trivia: if you take any article, click on the first link in the article text not in parentheses or italics, and then repeat, you will eventually end up at "Philosophy". Try it, it's utterly true.'" http://xkcd.com/903/ And if you can't be arsed to try it yourself, read about the phenomenon on Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wikipedia:Get_to_Phil... ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO It's not real, only pixels. Only pixels. >> Machine destroys anything << Like a vintage 'Will It Blend' with an 80s soundtrack, churning metal teeth obliterate anything that falls between them. Including a weirdly comprehensive range of feminine hygiene products. http://www.b3ta.com/links/This_machine_destroys_ev... >> Doctor Who anime << Highly exciting nonsense when neo-Tokyo meets 1970s Jon Pertwee and bad-ass Cybermen. We can't wait for the Wurzel Gummidge anime, with the Crowman on a superbike. Freaking sweet. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Ride only in cycle lanes << US cyclist gets fined, gets mad, decides to only travel in the cycle lane. No matter what gets in the way. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Riding_in_bike_lanes >> "An Open Letter to Stephen Fry" << Sweetly awkward performance, as singer Molly Lewis serenades Stephen Fry about how she wants to have his baby. Blushes galore, plus a lovely tune. http://goo.gl/3HSJo >> Web developers love Internet Explorer << Clever, self-deprecating ad for IE9, as web developers' comments are transparently re-edited to give the impression that they have anything at all nice to say about previous iterations of the Microsoft browser. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> "I love the Power Glove... It's so bad" << Before the Wii we had... the Power Glove. Awesome clip from 80s classic The Wizard. http://www.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Fishy business "Is it just me", writes @jackbremer, "or is this self-pleasuring fish logo a bit rude?" Hmm, yes, and the 'force it in' punning name also delightfully suggests sexual asualt. http://www.faucetinn.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Crap Superhero Challenge Last week we wanted you to think up really rubbish superheroes. AND YOU DID IN DROVES! Your favourites included: * TUBGIRL - haven't thought about this grim meme for a while. Thanks Holly Would for reminding us. http://www.b3ta.com/board/10439461 * SPIDERMAN - DUM4S5 has come up with a novel way of defeating him. http://www.b3ta.com/board/10440505 * CAPTAIN HINDSIGHT - A Vagabond points out quite how irritating this is. http://www.b3ta.com/board/10443447 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/rubbish_superheroes/ >> New challenge: Cybercops << Cyber-cops. The head of Britain's "e-crime" unit wants the public to take them more seriously. This week's challenge is to do the opposite. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/cybercops/ ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME More wanking games Jamie writes, "Here's another addition to your sexy games list. When I fancy knocking one out, I sometimes play Babestation Deal or No Deal. Tune into the first Babestation-type channel and ask yourself 'Deal or No Deal?'. If you Deal, you knock one out there and then. If you No Deal, you go to the next channel and ask the same question. If you get to the last station without dealing, then you have to knock one out to whoever's on that channel and there's no going back, even if it's your mum." * AND HERE COMES THE SCIENCE BIT - salvadorevincent writes, "You might like to know that Buster Hackney's take on the Friday Game in Newsletter 480, about going on an escalator and choosing which person on the opposite escalator you'd like to have sex with, but not being able to change your mind once you've chosen (and thus risking someone even hotter passing you by later) is an example of what mathematicians call Optimal Stopping. There is a formula for maximising your chances of picking the best person, assuming the people on the other escalator are evenly spaced apart: wait until you are 37% of the way along the escalator, then choose the first person who is more attractive than anyone you have seen so far. If you haven't chosen anyone by the end, then you have to pick the last person (even if this is the winner of a Susan Boyle lookalike contest). Amazingly, you then have a 37% chance of having imaginary sex with the hottest person on the escalator." http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Secretary_problem ------------------------------------------------- Attempt to play "Popcorn" by flicking your teeth with your fingers. 10 points if anyone sitting near you recognises the tune. ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * SANDERSON JONES IN WIRED.CO.UK - after we featured Sanderson in his attempt to get 500 people to turn up as his gig thing, he's both appeared in Wired AND had some PR company after him. Huzzah. http://goo.gl/fL1qx * CASIO WATCH BOLLOCKS - robertvaliant writes, "I was under the impression that all the cheap range Casio watches go for 2000 yen and wanted to see if this one was different. It wasn't. But what makes this particular vendor special is the second image they use to recommend it." http://goo.gl/0uA8z ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * CROSS-SECTIONS - lots of interesting photos of stuff in cross-section. Like how tomatotoes look shit if you cut them vertically, but awesome if you cut them horizontally. * WHERE PULLED QUOTES REALLY COME FROM - when you see "amazing" on the film poster was the review really saying, "it's amazing that crap like this is green-lit" * PLUGINS FOR iPAD GARAGEBAND - we're massively addicted to this (newsletter late as we were sitting, writing bad acid house on the bog), but slightly frustrated there's no easy way to connect all other iPad instruments up with the DAW without lots of fucking around in iTunes. Sort it out, Apple. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by sinisterduck, Timmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, Alphabet Soap, the_log_knows, unclepills, Chris Parrott, Cavalorn, Adrian Bott, @helenlewis & tim dog Top Tippery by oneinthepink & @chopeh. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via robneymcplum. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Paedophile rings: Stop involving normal people, by wanking over each other's childhood photo albums. TOP TIP 2: Drop your phone in an (empty) pint glass: instant loudspeaker next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive