we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "FREE SONY DATABASE WITH EVERY COPY" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * QUIZ - Are you a Guardian or Mail reader? * CYRIAK - Raises the baa for animation * VIDEO - Woman with boobs on her back ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're typing guff ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << We'd rather pimp your brand than talk about the watch we recently bought on Amazon - talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Newspaper quiz, Sheep & Comedy gig thing >> Daily Mail vs Guardian reader quiz << "Are you more of a Daily Mail or a Guardian reader? Using the results of their polls, you can now find out." http://www.monkeon.co.uk/pollposition/ >> Wake up, sheeple! << New nightmare-fuel from Cyriak, AKA Mutated Monty, who downplays his work as "a bit of animated weirdness." Cyriak? It's not an animation, but a lambination and it should have been strangled at birth. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Baaa >> Comedy sale << Sanderson Jones is a stand-up comedian and B3tan, who recently played the Edinburgh festival and sold all tickets himself on the street. He figured if he could sell 600 tickets to 25 different nights then he could sell 600 tickets to one night, and has booked a 500 seater place in Islington. His rules are that he won't flog the tickets via the web, but find out where he is via foursquare or send him a message on twitter then come and find him, and he'll sell you one in person. We'll be there - make sure you are too. BTW: Sanderson believes that having this personal connection with the audience, having met them, makes a unique prospect and he'll be able to make gags literally about the people in front of him - his new BFFs. Watch the vid: http://www.youtube.com/watch Then visit Sanderson's site: http://www.comedysale.com ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Best and Worst Foods Last week we asked for the best and worst things you've ever eaten. For a start, don't combine alcohol, rotten fish, and oral sex and don't let your dog French you: http://b3ta.com/questions/bestandworstfood/ * I KNOW WHAT POO TASTES LIKE - "I can't clean the toilet, and I never have. I only have to think about doing it, about getting my face close to that horrible bowl, and I vom a little. Previous girlfriends have remarked upon this as a sign of my typical male attitude towards cleaning, but sadly, the truth is far more hideous: ~ wavy lines back to 1987 ~ When I was 7 my Dad decided to uncover the sewage system that he'd installed himself in the garden when building our bungalow. The specific reason escapes me, but there was some kind of blockage somewhere. Anyway, for a week or so part of the garden had an open shit and piss channel leading to an uncovered septic tank. My mates were over for an A-Team episode re-enactment and, as your hero Faceman outran the bad guys and performed an impressive army roll, I plunged in head first. And inhaled. Deeply. I must have swallowed about 3 turds and almost drowned in my own family's effluent before I was fished out by my Dad. So the reason I can't clean the toilet is that I am vividly aware of what poo tastes like. It's not like chicken at all: it's slightly alkaline and has chunks in." (gibbletwunt) * DELICIOUS ICE CREAM - "One hungover morning, I opened the fridge to see before me the most delicious-looking lemon sorbet you've ever seen; a whole ice cream tub of it, full to the brim! I rummaged in the cupboard to find a very old packet of cones, grabbed a scoop, and salivating profusely, stuck two big scoops on top of a cone. It was a sculpture of glory; a glistening tower of divine ice cream medicine which would cure my awful hangover. It was only as I took my first, huge bite that a terrible realisation struck me. Ice cream belongs in a freezer, not a fridge. Two words: Goose, fat." (onelegout) * SCRUMMY SWARFEGA - "I used to run a printing shop at school, which generally meant the usual mucking about, only with more ink. One day we got into a swarfega fight, using metal rulers to flick blobs at each other. Good clean fun, har har. Until a blob sailed into my mouth. I can report that swarfega doesn't have an unpleasant flavour; it has about twenty. I couldn't get the taste out of my mouth as it gradually morphed through the entire spectrum of nastiness: bitter, soapy, acid, chemical; if there was a flavour that you wouldn't want to taste, it arrived sooner or later. I don't recommend it." (moon monkey) >> This Week's Question: Grandparents << Tell us stories of your grandparents. Here: http://b3ta.com/questions/grandparents/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Not racist but... << A cunning idea - search for "not racist but" on Facebook and turn it into a tumble-blog. Actually, for cheap lols, we've just tried a similar idea with "not gay but" to find examples of illiterate homophobia: * Charley - "im not gay but theres something about the taste of willys i cant resist...i need someone to help me out with my cravings!" * Damiano - "I'm not gay but I really love rainbows" * Gerard - "im not gay but im startin 2 like justin beiber" http://www.notracistbut.com/ >> Awesome People Hanging Out Together << Famous people are sometimes photographed with other famous people and the combinations can be somewhat unlikely. Colonel Sanders & Alice Cooper, Woody Allen & Michael Jackson and even Salvador Dali & Walt Disney. Great photos. http://awesomepeoplehangingouttogether.tumblr.com/ >> Tor, Silk Road & Bit Coins << Tor is a version of the web beyond the law, Silk Road is site that sells drugs and Bit Coins are the coinage of this new Wild West. Frankly, we're a bit scared of visiting, as we keep hearing it's full of kiddy pron. Still, this Wired story gives a great overview of the drugs stuff: http://www.wired.com/threatlevel/2011/06/silkroad/ And, as Matt Round points out, "This was inevitable". Poor old Alex Tew must be kicking himself. http://www.themillionbitcoinhomepage.com/ >> NEXT model competition trolled << Who would have thought the internet might troll a public vote to pick a model? Let's hope NEXT are classy and let him win something. http://goo.gl/GU6wj >> Museum of me << Neat viral thingie from Intel - takes all your Facebook crap and sticks it in a virtual museum, reminding us that we're all unique yet exactly the same. Although, obviously, not as good as us. http://www.intel.com/museumofme/r/index.htm >> How all awards should work << Artist remains unrepentant for judging prestigious prize by tossing a coin. http://bit.ly/iYPnAD ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Like DIVX stuff but without the torrenting bit >> "Oh, Mrs All Front... << "Your butt and your boobs are in the front, you're a lazy man's dream BUT A HYGIENE NIGHTMARE." Genius, even if it is shitty promo for some awful rubber doll site. http://goo.gl/zHabe >> War games << Kids + water pistols + gallons of animated blood. Gruesome but gleeful. http://www.b3ta.com/links/War_games >> Yoda + Withnail & I mashup << Yoda plays Danny the drug dealer of Camberwell Carrot fame. This clip is destined to become a student stoner clasic. Luke: Who says it's a Camberwell Carrot? Yoda: I do. I invented it in Camberwell, and it looks like a carrot. Now who wants to set the dialogue of Spinal Tap to Star Wars? http://www.b3ta.com/links/Two_of_my_favourite_thin... >> Japan World Cup 3 << Strange Japanese horse-racing game that, if someone can convert to the iPhone/iPad, would be top of the App charts for months. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Japan_World_Cup_3 >> Curse These Lemon Whores << SFWish porno film intro, but extremely odd. We actually saw this clip months ago but it goes into full on grim porn so it's nice that someone has uploaded it to YouTube, chopping the end off. http://www.b3ta.com/links/CURSE_THESE_LEMON_WHORES >> The 100 greatest movie threats of all time << This is like a documentary about our internal monologue against our haters. http://goo.gl/8RjbM ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Five-year-old gets his very own Tardis A rather sweet story about a young lad having a TARDIS built for him by his Dad for his birthday. Made all the better by the way it's been reported in one newspaper. http://goo.gl/6Yty2 ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Biscuits Challenge Last week we wanted you to manipulate biscuits. Your favourites included: * BOURBON - Han Solo, encased in a crisp, chocolate wrapping and filled with delicious cocoa cream (Octo) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10432473 * ROLL - much loved Welsh footballer, entirely legally rendered in fig (Q4nobody.co.uk) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10434278 * TARTS - if biscuits were marketed like attractive night ladies (an Eagle in Your Mind) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10437735 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/biscuits/ >> New challenge: Worst Superheroes << Just think of a super-hero with the worst super-powers imaginable. Then provide us with a nice picture showing exactly how pathetic they are. Challenge suggested by tokyosexwhale http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/rubbish_superheroes/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * B3TANS' CAT MONEY JOY - riverghost writes, "If you have a spare line or two in the newsletter, the London B3ta Bash managed to raise a thousand pounds for the Cat Survival Trust. Although it would have been only about £150 if it was not for Happytoast's outstanding idea at the 11th hour, to make the raffle an auction. Unbelievably, the highest lot to go was a Magic of Chutney original that went at £135!!!" Learn from this, people - auctions make more money than raffles. Important information right there. * CONCERNING LAST WEEK'S TOP TIP - "Dear b3ta, I am a little concerned with this week’s Top Tip. Disabling Flash would be of no help whatsoever in getting my work done. Regards, Alex Williams, Head of Games, www.miniclip.com. P.S. I agree with the shitty nature of Bourbon biscuits." ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * BREAKFAST PRINTER - Andrew Lewin asks, "We've had the Lego printer, could any b3tans see fit to make my dream toast-jet breakfast printer. Bread in paper tray, jams replace inks?" * CONSPIRACY GENERATOR - in the week where everyone got excited over a load of old guff about Britain's Got Talent, surely we can automate this procedure? * RECIPES FOR HEROIN CAKE - Spacecakes are so 1990s. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. Even the shit smeared hate mail tied to bricks. ------------------------------------------------- Nice people: [email protected] Bastards: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by CFB, HappyToast, scarpe, dalesvariation, Raster Image, @fiend, @rob_399, Firkinfedup, Jimbuktu, EnglishHaggis, mictoboy, Stashie. Top Tippery by robneymcplum. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via HappyToast, and if you don't get it then google 'Lulz Securities'. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Get one over on muggers by leaving a McDonalds apple pie in your pocket, therefore producing 3rd-degree burns on their fingers as they try to steal your wallet. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive