we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "PONY'S DAY TRIP RUINED BY RAIL STAFF" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * KITTEN - That smoke fags * SQUIRRELS - Dead, and played with by child * QUESTION - Trolls. Tell us about trolls ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're pretending to ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Other than making crusty, semen-filled socks >> Grey Bloke's Rapture << Monochrome nerd Greybloke returns with good advice on how to cope with Mr Lord Jesus's imminent plans to return and form a posse. http://goo.gl/kWuNl >> Seven Little Cats Kissin' << "The long-awaited sequel to 'Don't Bring Lou Lou'!" exclaims The Twisted Omentum. This is very much an old-school b3ta music vid, "Featuring several of our and our friends' cats. Be gentle!" http://goo.gl/NqTq5 >> The Nature Song << "I done created a new animashun," writes little Koit. "Weirdly, it's completely family friendly and suitable for all." This is sweet - is Koit mellowing in his old age? http://www.highasakoit.co.uk/nature.php ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Conversation Killers Sometimes you say something and the conversation around you stops dead. Well, I say sometimes. This lot seem to exist in permanent silence: http://b3ta.com/questions/conversationkillers/ * SAT NAV FUNERAL - "A couple of years ago, I was at a mate's funeral. It wasn't a happy occasion; he'd hit a tree and, because he was divorced and his firm kept no records of his ex or kids, they hadn't got to his bedside while he was still conscious. So far, so bummer. As Grimsby Crematorium is noted for scrotes stealing stuff from cars during services, someone had brought his satnav in with him: just before the son got up to his reading, a disembodied voice said, 'You have reached your destination.' Dead silence, followed by muffled snorts from half the congregation." (all my scars face forward) * EVERY PARENT'S NIGHTMARE - "Chatting to a bird at the pub. All going well. She asks me my name and I reply, absolutely deadpan, 'Well, up until the age of 10 it was Jon Venables.' Dirty look and conversation over. I've no idea where this came from, I wasn't trying to make a joke, I've never used that before - it was just the first thing that came to my head. It just came from nowhere. It was like I was cock-blocked by a momentary demonic possession." (Regger) * BANANA SEX LOLS - "Aged fifteen, crowded school classroom, it's the end of the school day and we wait for 'Donkey' Delaney to come along, tick off our names in the register and dismiss us for the afternoon. It is a Friday, we are so excited. Conversation is, as you'd expect, quite animated. Donkey Delaney walks through the door. The class falls silent. All except for Tracey. Poor, poor Tracey with her pneumatic, hypnotic chest and the conversation killer to end them all: 'Well, I prefer a banana because it's got just the right curve on it.' Monday came, and her desk was piled high with bananas. Tuesday came, and there was a new school rule." (Scaryduck) >> This Week's Question: trolls << Are you a troll? Ever pwn3d a troll with your 1337 intarnet sk1llz? Or do you live under a bridge and eat goats? Tell us your trolly stories, both from the web and from real life: http://b3ta.com/questions/trolls/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Rare colour photos from the Depression era << The past isn't a foreign country, it's just an earlier version of now and it's extraordinary. http://goo.gl/IYmaO >> What's the worst bit of design ever done? << Our vote is the enter key on this Macbook that the twats at Apple refuse to replace and actually told me I'm pushing wrongly. It constantly pops off its little hinge thingie. Most people are voting for other stuff, mind: http://goo.gl/gCgyN >> Incredible flea market DIY modular synth << A snapshot of another world where mad hobbyists built their own synths because there was no alternative that didn't cost a fortune. These days, we all play the same sounds on our iPads and delude ourselves about a thing called progress. http://is.gd/5mbLOh >> Mind-bending article from Roseanne Barr << On how the TV suits tried to wrestle control from her and how she said no. A lesson of sorts - media companies will always grab grab grab as they've done you such a favour in working with you. http://tinyurl.com/6jkmsdq >> Bit coins << A subject that's got the geeks excited this week: a concept to produce an internet form of cash outside of the banks. As money basically only works if you believe in it, there's no reason this couldn't ultimately succeed, other than the banks freaking out and pressuring governments to make it illegal. Which they will. http://goo.gl/SFDOr >> PR lies in your press << Nice of this PR company '72 Point' to proudly list all of the bullshit lies they've helped fill our media with on behalf of their clients. http://bit.ly/QWp5B ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO VHS stands for Very Hot Spools. >> Cute toddler plays with dead squirrel << We like squirrels - yes, they are rats with tails but they are also cheeky, eat nuts and scamper round our local park. We're not so sure about dead squirrels and definitely not sure we would let a three-year-old girl play with one. Gross but amazing. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Darth Vader plays trombone << This guy is absolutely awesome and craps on any of the useless acts found on TV talent shows. Having said that, we fear it's only a matter of time before Darth Cowell snaps him up and makes him fodder for his entertainment sausage machine. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Swearing toy phone << The perfect gift for a child with Tourette's (or very square, religious parents). We'd like one for Christmas please. http://goo.gl/ATLA4 >> Kitty Ciggy << Even the most fanatical non-smokers will enjoy this: http://www.b3ta.com/links/Kitty_Ciggy >> Best new sport ever << This takes a while to get going, but be patient and you will be rewarded with footage of an extraordinary new sport. We'd like to see it at next year's Olympics but are not sure if the world is ready for it yet. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Wait_for_it:15 >> Mentos missile << There's a long tradition of people doing stuff with Mentos and coke bottles on the internet. Some of it is good, some of it is bad, but this is incredible. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Mentos_Missile >> Facebook / Google sticks you in a bubble << If you spend a lot of time on Facebook, it's easy to believe that everyone you know shares your views - about politics, TV and pop music. This clever chap proves that these internet bubbles we live in are algorithmic and shows it's not just Facebook that's guilty, but also Google. http://goo.gl/JtAd7 BTW: If you're interested in this area, check out this related article - "A bonfire of your memories" - a powerful critique of Facebook from @textfiles - and, of course, look out for Adam Curtis's new series starting on the 23rd. http://ascii.textfiles.com/archives/3086 ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER We're actually embarrassed to run this shit * THE DICK MAYO SPRINT - our own personal dick mayo record is about 15 seconds. http://www.bristolmc.org.uk/EventRegs/mayo_combe_r... * KEN CLARKE RAPE LOLS - The Guardian iPhone app has cut down the Ken Clarke story headline and made it appear a whole lot worse. http://yfrog.com/hs6tzyrj * VANGINA - jazzytrumpetguy writes, "Saw this on the back of a van in Coventry, absolutely brilliant." http://www.activegasheating.co.uk/ * TEAM AMERICA HAS A LOT TO ANSWER FOR - Ian Beveridge writes, "Best software project name ever." http://j.mp/lvZdGM ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Animal Power Challenge Last week we wanted you to imagine that animals replaced traditional methods of generating power. Your favourites included: * ELEPHANT - upside-down trunker powers grid, via the extraordinary mind of (monkeon) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10419195 * KITTEN - of all the "useless machines" clogging up the internet, this one, involving a miniature kitten, is the bestest (gingerbenji) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10420085 * VOLE - Danger! Danger! High Voleage, etc (Afinkawan) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10419230 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/animalpower/ >> New challenge: Right Film, Wrong Gender << This week's mission, should you choose to accept it, it to re-make films so they appeal to the opposite gender to the original - Star Wars for women, Dirty Dancing for men. And so on. Challenge suggested by Sea Tramp. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/sexchangemovies/ ------------------------------------------------- OTHER BACONS Your guide to pig-free bacon fun * WHALE BACON - ookiimarukochan writes, "Whale bacon is still fairly common in Japan, and surprisingly tasty (Japanese bacon itself isn't really bacon as it doesn't seem to be cured)." http://www.japanprobe.com/2009/01/25/whale-bacon-c... * LAMB BACON - SCar writes, "When the lamb is all grown up, it turns into mutton and this can be used to make Macon. It's popular amongst the Jewish community." http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Macon_(food) * BEEF BACON - pauljherring writes, "They already do this in the middle east (certainly in Dubai and Saudi Arabia) for westerners who demand something that looks like it came from a pig, but due to some silly religious rule or other can't actually be made from pig. So they use cow instead. They use chicken for sausages." http://goo.gl/M5FBh ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Sexy Gamble Captain Plantagenet writes, "I liked your suggested Friday Game of counting the number of people you'd have sex with that you've seen today, but can offer a variation that makes it all the more challenging. "Pick a spot where you can see people approaching from a distance - a park bench, a seat on the bus - you get the idea. As soon as you see a person in the distance, decide whether or not they'd be someone you'd bed. You then have a wait of anticipation to see whether on close inspection they're a vision of beauty, or a 50-year-old cigarette-wielding grandmother of 12." ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * INTERNET PARENT MACHINE - Dear BBC iPlayer devteam. Please add an option to randomly play stuff from CBeebies with a "don't like it, next" button. And make it autoplay. But skip the crap radio stuff. * iPHONE TEXT BLOCKER - Why isn't there a simple 'block texts' button on our phone like there is in email? We don't want text spam from a Clapham pizza place we last used in 2001. * ZERIOS - If Cheerios did 1's as well a 0's they could own the geek breakfast cereal market. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Lovelies: [email protected] Bastards: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @cw19_uk, The Archduke of South London, @TomWhitwell, @mattround, @chris_coltrane, libinspace, beckyharris.co.uk, UHMUHRAKA!, redflame, Jalf. Top Tippery by robneymcplum. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via hedonist. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: A frozen cheese wedge makes a perfect doorstop. Temporarily. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive