we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "ASK JEEVES BEMOANS LACK OF FACEBOOK SMEAR" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * FACEBOOK FIGHTS - Nick Clegg vs Hitler * BREAKING THE LAW - Superinjunction song * WATERBOARD CATS - the Australian way ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're all storing ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Likefight, Super-injunction rap, Eurovision >> LikeFight! - What Facebook page is more likeable? << What's more likeable? Ninjas or pirates? Cheryl Cole or Jesus? Hitler or Nick Clegg? These important arguments and more can be solved by pitting two Facebook pages against each other and seeing which has the more "Likes". Made in response to ilovesecretagents's request in last week's newsletter. http://www.likefight.co.uk/ >> Pooper-scooper-injunction song << B3tan Housewife writes, "I made a song about the ridiculousness of injunction law. Unfortunately, by protesting the law, I think I broke it..." http://b3ta.com/links/Pooper_scooper_injunction_so... >> Song for Eurovision week << A song of unity for Europe, celebrating a long, golden reign of peace... EuroN8 have done us proud with a gag that we didn't immediately grasp, but then loved more than anything we've loved before. Our favourite attempt at a Euro song since the vagina-celebrating 'Yodel in the Canyon of Love.' http://goo.gl/sqKDy ------------------------------------------------- : FUCK YEAH! SPONSORED LINK! READERS LOVE THEM! Family Guy jokes Do you like jokes? Are you stuck for something funny to stick as your status on Facebook? Help is at hand; thanks Family Guy! http://sickjok.es/jE5srb ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK The Police (II) We asked for more police stories last week. Sadly, there was no Jackie Chan: http://b3ta.com/questions/police2/ * DUNGAREES - "My uncle bikes to his station in his bike leathers each day and gets changed into uniform when he's there. A few weeks ago he had to spend the whole day in plain clothes because his two-year-old daughter had gone through his rucksack, hidden his uniform and replaced it with a pair of pink dungarees and her fluffy sweater. When questioned about this, she claimed she wanted "daddy to look pretty at work." (Sivvus) * BASQUE - "Every summer in the Basque regions of France and Spain, every village and town has a fete. These are mad piss-ups, usually involving sangria and bulls chasing you through the streets. You could easily spend every weekend getting shitfaced all over the Basque country, so that's pretty much what we did. This was a few years ago and the French police pretty much turned a blind eye to drink driving as long as you were wearing the traditional white-and-red festival colours. After a five-day orgy of booze, singing, dancing and getting chased by bulls, me and a mate were crossing back into France. Our traditional whites were dyed maroon with kalamotxo and sangria. We were stinking. And got stopped at the border. Passports handed over. The police examine our car. "Is this your car, m'sieur?" We're fucked. It wasn't. It had Dutch number plates and belonged to a friend we weren't entirely sure we'd asked to borrow it. "Ah, non..." The police continue to examine our car, walking slowly, checking below. They slowly come back to us and hand our passports back. "M'sieur, there is a problem with your car." Oh fuck. "You need a new one. This one is shit." (inflateable) * LOW CUT TOP - "Many moons ago, before broadband, we needed to get a large amount of data from our office in London to a customer in Liverpool. We dug out one of the very expensive CD-Rs and burned all 200meg onto the disk, gaping in amazement at how we could make our own CDs. We then drew straws to see who got to drive through the night to deliver said disk. The young lass who worked for me won, was handed the keys to a company car and an A-Z of Liverpool. When she got back into work, I asked if she'd had any problems. She said "No," then "Well, sort of." Panicking that something had happened to the precious, expensive CD-R, I asked her what had happened. She'd been pulled over on the M62 for doing what she called "licence-threatening" speeds. Bricking it, she'd done what any 19-year-old, very good looking, busty lass would do: she pulled her top down low enough that you could see the tops of her nipples, put on her best innocent look and gave the officer the full, "I don't know officer, it's my first time on the motorway and I don't know where I'm going and everyone was going so FAST and I was so SCARED and I didn't know what to DO and there was so many CARS I've never driven this car before and... and..." and squeezed out a tear. And was let off. This would be fairly unremarkable, were it not for the fact I drew the CD delivery short straw about two weeks later. On the M62, in the same company car, doing a reasonable (sub-90, at least) speed I too was pulled over. The copper sauntered up to my window, looked at me, looked crestfallen and then said, "Sorry mate, thought you were someone else," before slinking back to his car." (ScousersPet) >> This Week: Conversation killers << Ever been talking to people when someone says something that kills all conversation stone dead? Talk to us here and watch the tumbleweed roll on by: http://b3ta.com/questions/conversationkillers/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Bombay Mix << If you thought Acid House was invented in Chicago in 1987, think again. It was actually invented in Bombay in 1982 by a Bollywood soundtrack producer. Here's the interview with the guy who made the record: http://goo.gl/dkwiF BTW: The Bollywood Acid House is also available on Spotify. Ten Ragas to a Disco Beat. http://open.spotify.com/artist/5xQiWBPNCV6JnnC7emn... >> The Evil Empire << At first glance a bit of nerdy Star Wars ephemera. But stay with it as it soon morphs into a timely piece of geopolitical satire. http://goo.gl/NZlmb >> Cleggy Lols << If you thought taking the piss out of Cleggers was a bit 2010, this site will soon change your mind. Worth it for great pics of Dave 'n' Gid's favourite fag but the captions such as: "Nobody told Nick Clegg his lunch date was cancelled, so he just sat on a bench alone eating Sainsbury’s Basics sausage rolls." are what put it in a class of its own. http://nickclegglookingsad.tumblr.com/ >> How To Steal Like An Artist << Genuinely great advice for anyone wanting to be creative - or anyone wanting to be anything really. http://goo.gl/LmiQl >> Smash hits podcast << Older readers will remember and hopfully love Smash Hits - the pop music magazine that defined the 80s. Editted by David Hepworth, they also employed Neil Tennant of the Pet Shop Boys in a pre-fame writing job. Hepworth now runs a podcast and invited Tennant in to talk about the old days. Magical stuff. Best insight? Decades in pop culture. 60s = 63 to 67 - The Fabs 70s = 68 to 82 - Beards 80s = 82 to 67 - Culture club etc 90s = 88 onwards - Dance music. http://goo.gl/Y7nnW >> The phrase that needs to be a book << "If you are not paying for it, you're not the customer; you're the product being sold." First muttered in 2010 on MeFi, the net culture version of "there's no such thing as a free lunch" needs to be turned into a provocative book. http://goo.gl/Efq8 ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Like TV but with more snot on the screen >> How to stop cats pissing on your car. << A truly wonderful contraption from Down Under that involves shooting cats with highly pressurised jets of water. We're thinking of training it on the crazy cat lady who lurks round B3ta Towers with a dead cat in a wire basket. http://goo.gl/b34pB >> I'm a Climate Scientist << A big, fat smack in the face for Climate Change Deniers - the flatearthers of modern times (who sadly get more than their fair share of mainstream media attention). Worth it just for: Ha! 'The greenhouse effect is just a theory, sucker!' 'Yeah, so is gravity, FLOAT AWAY MOTHERFUCKERRRRR' http://goo.gl/a3QQL >> Complete History Of USSR in Tetris << We recently attended Bug 25 - the music video and comedy chat night organised by Adam Buxton and this was our favourite video he'd chosen. It really made us want Adam to stick on a massive moustache and play the rest of the show as Stalin. BTW: Stalin was 5'4" but liked to commission paintings of himself looking monumentally huge. If the artist didn't do it "right" he had them shot. http://www.youtube.com/watch Find out more about Bug here: http://www.bugvideos.co.uk/ >> Human Bicycle << This has a vaguely Teutonic feel to it and we reckon this lot might be chums with the silver man who stands in Covent Garden scaring small children. But it's kind of impressive and would definitely liven up a trip to the airport. http://t.co/t5cNsE3 >> Guy lip-synchs 50 worst video game voices << An unkind person might suggest this chappie needs to stop gaming and get out more but in its own sweet way it's a minor work of genius. http://goo.gl/Ylhm2 >> How to chop wood successfully << Anyone who's ever tried to chop wood without it flying everywhere will know it's bloody hard. This video offers a simple tip that makes it all look incredibly easy. http://www.b3ta.com/links/How_to_chop_wood_sucessf... ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Bad Guy Challenge Last week we wanted you to come up invent new evil to replace that Bin Laden bloke Your favourites included: * HAMMER - huge-trousered rapper gets the call from Homeland Security (Clay) http://b3ta.com/board/10415030 * DODD - terrifying monochrome appearance from maniacal, chainsaw-wielding comedian (Ninj) http://b3ta.com/board/10412478 * SOOTY - no compassion from loathsome, malevolent children's puppet (HappyToast) http://b3ta.com/board/10411195 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://b3ta.com/challenge/unexpected-evil/ >> New challenge: Animal Power << Imagine, if you will, that electric, petrol, steam, solar, nuclear and other forms of power don't exist, and everything has to be powered by small animals. Then show us the results of your imagining. Challenge suggested by SkUG http://b3ta.com/challenge/animalpower/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * WE ASKED FOR A HAMSTER RIDING A LEGO ROLLERCOASTER - joefish replies, "Sorry, no hamsters, but this is my working LEGO Roller Coaster. BTW: In the early 90s, we told our gullible friend that this was how they tested the concepts for full-size rollercoasters. She wrote to Alton Towers and Blackpool Pleasure Beach, and couldn't understand their puzzled replies (Pleasure Beach... Alton Towers never replied) until we owned up." http://goo.gl/lIE05 ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Count the amount of people you've seen today who you'd like to have sex with. We used to play this as teenagers and would allow the inclusion of TV shows, normally the cast of Neighbours not including Helen Daniels, Mrs Mangel and Madge. ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. As we're writing this feeling hungry it's mostly going to be about food: * F-PLAN DIET. Only eat food beginning with F. Fish. Fudge. French bread. Fried food. Figs. Findus crispy pancakes. Feta cheese. Flans. Fucking huge doughnuts. * MEAL TIME CHALLENGE - Breakfast. Elevenses. Brunch. Lunch. Afternoon tea. High tea. Tea. Dinner. Tapas. Supper. Midnight feast. Go on, try eating every possible meal time. * LAMB BACON - can you cure strips of sheep, smoke them and serve them up? What about beef bacon? Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @slightly76, Faceburger, @hwallop, @timlusher, Hidden Agenda, @machecazzodici, @mah, @Mark_Hurricane, Stashie, jams. Top Tippery by Blunt Logic Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols inspired by Afinkawan. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Need a tug but got no tissues/towel/socks/pets around? Simple. Pinch your foreskin closed with the thumb and forefinger (of your other hand) before you ejaculate and voila - entrapped spunk. Maybe our readers have comments on this? http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/post1190537 next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive