we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "KATE MIDDLETON'S ULTRASOUND PICTURES SOUVENIR EDITION." next issue » « previous issue This Week: * EXPLORE - Inside Netto * ROBOTS - for charity * UNDERGROUND - Secret postman railway ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're hiding from ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Netto, Q&A, Fucksticks, Robots, Spock and Apocalypse >> "Scandinavian for value" << "Last newsletter, you asked for someone to explain crazy foreign brands," reasons Sandettie Light Vessel Automatic. In the spirit of the great Victorian adventurers, he's bravely ventured into Netto - so you don't have to. http://scandinavianforvalue.wordpress.com/ >> Funny, odd, stupid and bizarre questions << "I am a fan of Q&A sites and the occasional incisive questions that are asked," explains cnamhspairne. "However, the more I piss away time on Quora, Yahoo Answers and other sites, the more I realise that the inane, bizarre and off the wall questions that people ask there are the best part." http://randomqs.tumblr.com/ >> I have been making a robot! << "This is DON-8r," bleeps Timmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. "It's a fundraising robot, which I designed as my final year project for Uni. It's raising money for a local science centre (which is a registered charity) so all the money getting put into it is going to a good cause." We love this - an inspired combination of cute + a bit pathetic. http://www.b3ta.com/links/I_have_been_making_a_rob... >> What's in Spock's scanner - Part 2 << "I said you guys would be the first to know when part two was ready," rasps Black Moon. "I've literally just uploaded it to YT." An ambitious, sprawling sequel, this is a literal bonanza for the Trekkies. Okay, not a literal bonanza, that would be a western. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Whats_in_Spocks_scanner_... >> End of the World Notification Service << "I've spent the day high on painkillers and sat before my computer researching when the end of the world will happen," writes stevierar. "I've collated my findings and made this helpful service. Some of the links are amazing; people are scary." Note that the world is due to end before midnight tonight, dear reader, so flattered you're spending these last few precious hours with us. http://www.rowdydow.co.uk/eotw/ ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Creepy Last week we asked for what makes the hairs go up on the back of your neck. : http://b3ta.com/questions/creepy/ * THE DOOR - "Back when I was a baby my folks moved in to their first home. A decorating frenzy ensues and late one night my Dad (19) and my dad's brother (16) were scraping wallpaper only to find a door with no handle, just a keyhole. Obviously my old man thought, "I've got another room/cupboard, let's get it open." Grabbing a coathanger he sets about the lock and with a loud snick he and my Uncle pry it open. It came ajar with a massive ripping noise followed by a blood curdling scream. Needless to say my Dad and Uncle shat themselves and nearly killed each other getting out of room. Turns out the entire row of terraced houses used to be a dormitory for trainee priests and all the now separate houses are still connected by doors. The silly twats had ripped a door-shaped hole in the neighbours' wallpaper." (studdley ruffrod) * THE KEY - "I had been going out with the to be Mrs Ring of Fire for a little while, and earlier in the day had given her a copy of my front door key. How did the love of my life react to me moving our relationship to the next level? The very first night of key ownership she waited until 2am, let herself in, snuck into my bedroom, knelt down putting her mouth about an inch from my ear and from the back of her throat gurgled, "I'VE COME FOR YOUR SOUL" (Ring Of Fire) * THE SKULL - "Walking along the street, I come to a large lorry parked leaving just enough room to squeeze past between it and the fence. As I past, suddenly something lolls out of a gap in the wooden slats, mere inches from my face. It's pink and fleshy, with clumps of hair sprouting from it. It's scarred and caked in filth, but in a flash I recognise it as a deformed, shrivelled human head. Worse, where the eye should be there is just a gaping, empty socket, caked in blood. I let out a yell that caused cyclists to swerve and a flock of birds to wheel frantically into the air, and lurched back against the fence, cowering as far away from this ghastly apparition as I can. From where I can see that it is, in fact, a cow's nose. The eye socket is its nostril. Bastard. (moon monkey) ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK 2 Greed Last week we asked what you'd done to get *more* money, pie, sex, alcohol, kittens, whatever? Go read how just simple, loveable old toast spelt anal ruin for one small boy: http://b3ta.com/questions/greed/ * "As a skint student, left with the choice between beer and food one Friday night, I did the obvious thing and chose beer. It was a good choice until I got home, starving, having not been able to afford my favoured Abdul's Kebab. In the fridge, however, next to my Kwik Save sausage roll and empty ketchup bottle that I was still rinsing with vinegar to get the last few drops from, was a huge, golden, succulent roast chicken, with what looked like just two or three slices already eaten. I reasoned that whichever of my flatmates had cooked it wouldn't miss one more slice and it was just too tempting for hungry, salivating me to pass up. I grabbed a knife and set about cutting myself one thin, tasty slice. Only I hacked at it a bit and it was too obvious, so it needed tidying up, and anyway, I could just eat the extra bits. Which I did, but it did was spark my hunger. "So to hell with it," I thought, "I can always just deny all knowledge, and anyway, he won't mind if I just nick a leg, surely?" only, it wasn't just a leg in the end; by the time I was done there was just a slimy, picked clean plate of chicken-skin and bone. Which, for some reason, I put back in the fridge. I toddled off to bed, satisfied and sleepy. Faced with my flat mate the next morning, I denied everything, saying that we'd all been out separately the night before and it could have been anyone. And I may have gotten away with it, but as I went to unlock the door, I couldn't find my keys. Only to hear a jingling sound and turn round to my flatmate hanging them by his fingers and saying, "Looking for these? They were on the plate in the fridge." I'm a criminal mastermind, me." (scarpe) * "One of my friends once defrosted a cheesecake before he and his girlfriend ate a slice each. Later she went to bed, leaving him in the lounge. After a while, he fancied some more cheesecake... then a bit more. Finally, he realised too much was gone for him not to look like a fat, greedy bastard when she woke up. What to do? Racking his brains, he came upon a cunning plan. He ate the rest of the cheesecake, got another one out of the freezer, carefully cut a couple of slices ate those frozen and went to bed. Where presumably he lay awake all night sweating like a rapist and praying for his indigestion to end." (Professor Kenny Martin) * "A Chinese 'all you can eat' restaurant that I used to frequent liked to play the Carpenters back to back all day every day... I always hoped they'd done this on purpose to make people feel subliminally guilty about eating too much." (bROKEN aRROW) >> This Week's Question: eccentricity << Tell us about random, completely hatstand stuff and people you've seen. We love eccentricity: http://b3ta.com/questions/randomstuff/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> World's biggest Pacman << Thousands of user generated levels. Looks a bit mental, maybe someone could do the same idea with Manic Miner? http://worldsbiggestpacman.com/ >> Steve Buscemi Eyes vs. Tom Hanks << Your tumblr toss of the week is mostly about American movie stars. Where's the British answer to this? Oh, it's probably B3ta isn't it? http://chickswithstevebuscemeyes.tumblr.com/ http://tomhanksimals.tumblr.com/ >> Mail Rail cracked by urban explorers << The Tube isn't the only underground train in London, the other is a train for transporting mail. Or was; sadly it was closed down, but well done to these brave urban explorers for getting a few photos for us to have a look. Now can someone get into the sinister SIS building on the Thames? Cheers. http://post.ly/1vQnN >> Corporate Skull << Comic about a guy who gets his face ripped off in a photocopier accident. Still in early days yet, but we like it. http://www.corporateskull.com/comic/skull1-2/ >> Dead man art << Floating images of light, constructed from 1,871 slices of an executed murderer's cadaver. These speak for themselves and are thoroughly beautiful. http://www.triangulationblog.com/2011/03/1231.html >> What Makes Mainstream Media Mainstream? << We've been interested in Noam Chomsky recently, largely off the back of recent cuts protests. We noticed a bit of related graffiti saying "read Chomsky" and thought, if someone's prepared to be arrested to get that message out then maybe it's worth a look. The crux of this essay is media self-censorship: a journalist is free to write about what he wants, but anybody who was going to write anything iffy is unlikely to have got the job in the first place. http://www.chomsky.info/articles/199710--.htm ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Moving pictures on your CGA monitor >> Vader & I << Withnail & I dialogue dubbed mostly over C3PO. Wonderfully funny and makes us want to watch Withnail & I again. For probably the 30th time, then obsessively google Vivian MacKerrell, the chappy Withnail was based upon. http://www.youtube.com/watch And if you fancy reading about Vivian, start here: http://goo.gl/DN60s >> Lego Great Ball Contraption << Nearly 8 minutes of joy. This is like a brilliant OK Go video without the bland & instantly forgettable music: http://www.b3ta.com/links/Lego_Great_Ball_Contrapt... >> Arcade punching machine fail << Everything there is to know about comedy can be learned from closely analysing this clip. Everything. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Arcade_punching_machine_... >> Jeremy Kyle mash up << We've just looked up Kyle on Wikipedia and the best line? 'Kyle also suffers from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and has stated that he "licks his mobile phone to make sure it's clean", as stated in his book "I'm Only Being Honest".' http://www.b3ta.com/links/Jeremy_Kyle_whats_it_all... >> How to trick a child. << We've tried this trick on our own kids and it absolutely doesn't work. http://www.b3ta.com/links/How_to_trick_a_child >> Nose blow reaction baby returns << Babies. Our advice to you is to wear 2 condoms. Not on your cock, but your face so you look so awful that nobody will breed with you. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Nose_blow_reaction_baby_... ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Eye test The Vomiting Hitchhiker writes, "Maybe I've been reading b3ta too long. Is it just me that needs a second glance at this?" http://www.cutncover.co.uk/ ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the AV or Not Challenge Last week we wanted you to convince us to vote your way Your favourites included: * CELEBRITY - amidst all the lobbying and campaigning, here's the great truth about the Great British Vote (emvee) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10390308 * DOGSHIT - the most impressive plea on behalf of AV we've yet seen. Take note (Newington) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10391777 * ODD - meanwhile, we've got absolutely no idea what this one is about at all (etroroberto) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10390951 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/yesornotoav/ ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE #2 Results from the Mythical Creatures Challenge Two weeks ago we wanted you to get busy with dragons and unicorns, etc Your favourites included: * HULK - terrifying early footage of a Manhattan monster (maiden) http://b3ta.com/board/10386950 * GEEK - role-playing + war-gaming + model railways = epic nerd win (emvee) http://b3ta.com/board/write.php * PONY - revealing to origins of a nightmare (Fresh Water Mole) http://b3ta.com/board/10387861 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://b3ta.com/challenge/mythicalcreatures/ >> New challenge: Fatties << The British are the fattest people in Europe, costing the NHS billion of pounds annually. Let's find some worthwhile uses for these tubs of lard, so that they may earn a place in society. Challenge suggested by bunglist. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/usefulfatties/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * VEITCH DOES ANOTHER CRUSHA AD - this time riffing off the Beyoncé song cynically crafted to get spinsters rushing onto the dance-floor: "Single Ladies". http://www.b3ta.com/links/Beyonce_Crusha_Kittens He's also been busily beavering away for the Beeb. Here's his take on the Royal wedding plans. http://www.rathergood.com/will_and_kate * HIDDEN QUO EASTER EGG - donald.fgt writes, "Was having a look around the Tower Bridge HDR photo linked on the latest newsletter, and spotted some unusual guests at the Guoman hotel. Have a look at the top of ramp leading down to the boat, just to the right of the bridge ... Quo!!" And if you can't be arsed to dig it out and look, chris.oneill has supplied a screengrab: http://df0.myzen.co.uk/now_do_you_see_it.jpg * "SINCE WHEN THE FUCK HAVE THE HAIRY BIKERS BEEN BRUMMIE?" asks parkyone and many, many others, as we misidentified them in a recent newsletter. Truth be told our ignorance represents a lack of interest their career. Although a friend on facebook fancies them and recently changed her Facebook status too, "I'd love to be be the bacon in a Hairy Biker sandwich, PHWOAR!" * LOL O CLOCK - At the beginning of this month, we asked for a Twitter account that, every morning at 7:07, sends you the most popular b3ta link of the previous 24 hours. Thanks Matt Hickford for making that dream come true! http://twitter.com/lol_o_clock ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Pingy Penis Pencil Woo Woo Time Push a blunt end of a pencil into your clothing-covered groin and see how far you can ping it. We can manage just over a foot. ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * METH ME UP - Stuartian Macpherson says, "Meth mugshot generator. Upload a picture of self, and it will produce a series of mugshots of the person's features, descending gradually into meth-addicted disarray and dishevelment." * WHO THE FUCK IS FLYING THAT COPTER? - Anthony Sennett writes, "Helicopters randomly hovering over a city on a sunny weekend are fucking shit. They are rarely police helicopters (though I question those too). Is there any way we can have a website called which will give one the phone numbers of all the helicopter-owning people in a certain city so one can find out just what the hell they think they are doing?" * ANGRY LETTERS - Matthew Furey-King demands, "the 'Thing I would like to see' is a site where people can upload their angry letters. I'm always disappointed that my eloquent outbursts of middle class rage are wasted on dullard customer service operatives and don't get to see the light of day." Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by codepo8 Christian Heilmann, mothdust charlotte, bengoldacre, chuff monkey, Pedantichrist, Shiodome, DMandrake, vandal, theledgendpete, pissflaps, Fishcat. Top Tippery by The Archduke of South London. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlos by the legendary @BeauBodOr. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Can't afford to go to Switzerland to euthanise your gran? Dress her up as a dog and have her put down at the local vets instead. ------------------------------------------------- Remember! Buy the KUNT MP3: http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B004UC8S1... next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive