we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "BETTER THAN A POKE IN THE EYE WITH A SHARP STIFFY" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * KUNT - Royal Wedding No 1 bid * WEEBL - Doing more badger shit. Really. * US! - On Her Majesty's BBC Radio 4 ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta, go on! << Tattoo your logo on our face and we'll walk down Oxford Street smiling like a cretin: http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK other than makin' whoopee cushions >> Badger Dubstep<< "Guess I Got My Badger Back," sings Jonti. In a scary, dubstep stylee. "Everything should go dubstep." http://www.weebls-stuff.com/songs/Guess+I+got+My+B... >> I Spot Internet Hoaxes << What's the stupidest bullshit you've been told by someone on the internet? E4 asked your newsletter team investigate and tell you why everything is WRONG, in our top 30 internet hoaxes - featuring kitten abuse, bogus deaths and imaginary games characters. http://www.e4.com/wtf/internet-hoax/index.html >> Contribute to the world's biggest to-do list << "Procrastinators unite!" cries radical k. "Ever wanted to know what people all over the world really should be doing while they are visiting sites like this? Now is your chance!" A stirring speech and an interesting idea: http://www.kevinstrater.com/to-do/ >> Peter's Dolphin << "Hi dude," spurts Joel Veitch, skipping backwards across the azure waves on his graceful flippers. "Little Peter Sutcliffe is the luckiest boy in Yorkshire, because his best friend is a magical dolphin!" http://b3ta.com/links/Peters_Dolphin ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA ON RADIO 4 The rapture has started Your favourite Ginger Fuhrer shares a bill with Richard Dawkins, with a couple of appearances in this BBC documentary about interweb memes. There's a bit of stuff about the Great Virgin Credit Card Fiasco and, we were rapidly and gleefully informed by kinks, "they mentioned my pic!" http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/console/b00zlk03/What... And here's "that" image: http://goo.gl/nho2g ------------------------------------------------- : KUNT'S ROYAL WEDDING VID "Gonna unleash the royal wedding vid today," confides Kunt. "Please help us punt it out there and create a right royal stink!" Yes, Kunt is back at his chart-bothering shenanigans. "With 'use my arsehole' we finished up selling about 3000 in the week it went to 66," he continues. "Any other week that would be round about the top 40 so, the way I see it, if we generate the same amount of interest and enthusiasm as last time it will go top 40. Then Radio 1 have to decide whether to play it or ban it and I think the answer to that is pretty obvious." Having seen this extremely NSFW vid we're now starting to wish we hadn't agreed to champion this Kunt and the Gang campaign. Oh well, in for a penny... http://FunnyOrDie.com/m/5fa6 ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Awesome Teachers Last week we asked for the teachers that you still remember fondly. Or fondled: http://b3ta.com/questions/awesometeachers/ * "Dr P taught us the basics of DNA using fizzy laces, jelly beans and toothpicks and the theory of dilution using farts, and 'fart atoms.' But his best moment came one afternoon walking past the sports field. The PE teacher was shouting at the largest, most unfit kid. When he tripped and the PE teacher burst out laughing, adding more condescending comments, Dr P casually shouted, 'At least he's not fucking the librarian,' before carrying on into the science building. It turned out to be true, spread around the school like wildfire, his wife found out and the last I heard the PE teacher had been fired and was living at home with his parents." (eggs and spam) * "A friend of my folks was brother-in-law to my Year 9 maths teacher, from whom I get this story. One fine day in the past, 'Mr Smith' comes into his morning maths lesson. One of those old roll-down blackboards sits at the front of the classroom. Smith rolls it down to find 'Mr Smith is a cunt' scrawled across it in huge letters. Smith goes absolutely apeshit, informs class that they are staying there until someone comes into his office and owns up to it. With that, he leaves the stunned class in silence and goes to wait in his office next door. According to his brother-in-law, Smith wrote it himself as he was hungover and couldn't be arsed to teach." (Cylon Bum Raider) * "My 6th form careers advisor was called Peter Niskin, or as it was written, P Niskin. Perhaps his careers advisor should have told him avoid a profession dedicated to sniggering idiot teenagers." (Galahad) >> This Week: Nights out gone wrong << In celebration of the woman who went out for a quiet drink with friends after work and ended up half-naked, kicking a copper in the nads and threatening to smear her own shit over hospital staff... how have your best-laid plans ended in woe? http://b3ta.com/questions/nightsoutgonewrong/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Nazi spoons<< Do you love spoons? What about Nazis? Then you're in luck! Why not buy the book "Collectible Spoons of the 3rd Reich"? BTW: We cribbed this link from a rather strange Radio 4 documentary about the extraordinary number of books about the Nazis that are published each year, which we found by typing 'nazi' into iPlayer. Next week we might try 'porn'. http://goo.gl/fhuSo >> 1930s Newspapers Just Like Today Shock! << Newspapers from the 30s - what were they like? Turns out to be the usual mix of misogyny, racism and mad diet supplements they still serve up today. Best bits include: the £60 car that comes Hitler-approved, and the secret of slimming - Cider. http://goo.gl/SUrJP >> Trolling Facebook photos << Remember the guy who wrote the HUGE complaint letter to Richard Branson? Well he also likes to edit his friend's Facebook photos and put them back up on Facebook. It's great to see the progression from gentle tweaking, to the friend's snapping point and eventually a full breakdown. http://www.oliandalex.com/james-face/ >> Music made by dead bloke << Great musicians and long life don't seem to go hand in hand very often. You just need to look at Cliff Richard for proof of that. This is the sad and touching story of Graham March, aka Desimal, a musician from Canada who also suffered from schizophrenia. In 2006 he committed suicide, but that hasn't stopped his music living on. His family and friends have put up his tracks for free. We enjoyed in particular the aptly-named "Afterlife". http://www.grahammarch.com/index.php http://grahammarch.com/mp3/music/songs/Afterlife.m... >> Best Supermarket Fails << Imagine if like somebody on the internet crowd-sourced all the sort of funny/rubbish things you see in supermarkets. You don't have to imagine, as this is 2011 and it's here in your browser. WOO HOO! http://www.buzzfeed.com/daves4/supermarkets >> ZX81 with an SD card << 30 years old this year, the ZX81 was the first computer your B3ta staff ever owned. We used it to made a blocky animation of a dog doing a shit. And now we run B3ta - nothing changes, except ZX81s now have SD card ports. Nice. http://is.gd/syR932 (eBay) ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Now available on your internet enabled fridge >> iPad 2 / Garageband << We really really really want an iPad 2. We'd totally talked ourselves out of it but then we saw the Garageband demo. We now totally have a fantasy of sneaking into a forest at the dead of night and recording a concept album about night stalkers: http://goo.gl/DqzT1 >> Rebecca Black for the win << Rebecca Black, best known for ruining Twitter trend lists, gets re-interpreted by the Bad Lip Reading team, who scrubbed the audio from her original track 'Friday' and overdubbed it with any words that would fit. Funny. https://www.youtube.com/watch >> "Moth joke" << Here's a lesson in comedy. You have your setup line and your punchline. The more work you can do twisting and turning your setup, the bigger the laugh you can get from the end bit. Maybe. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Banned University of Lincoln commercial << Zombies were rad when Dawn Of The Dead was still a cult movie (the 1978 original, not the crappy 2004 remake). But then Shaun Of The Dead came along and every other dink in the universe slapped on gore make-up and rendered zombies the tiredest shit ever. The only thing more boring than zombies are those university recruitment ads, usually featuring a bunch of swots reading books under a tree on a sunlit campus. So it's weird that a combination of the two lamest things in the world could work together to produce something witty and watchable. Check out the banned University of Lincoln commercial: http://goo.gl/AMFZb ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Threeway kebab action * TINY COX - Quite fitting he should be a 'Member' of the Senate. http://goo.gl/s2pOk * BUILDERS LOLS - they love doing the erection joke just as much as handymen like saying "fancy a screw?" http://www.quickfixscaffolding.com/ * SAY IT OUT LOUD - Mr Neversoft writes, "I was reading the BBC News website when it linked to an article on the website for "Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences" The only problem is how to pronounce the URL" http://www.pnas.org ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Olympic Challenge Last week we wanted you to picture the Internet Olympics. Your favourites included: * WOW - historic kamikaze gaming manoeuvre makes its way to the pool. (Afinkawan) http://b3ta.com/board/10366728 * POTCH - endurance sport reaches a new, horrific pinnacle. (HappyToast) http://b3ta.com/board/10364889 * SPEED - fat pipe advantage pays dividends in sprint event. (the peevish djinn) http://b3ta.com/board/10365709 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://b3ta.com/challenge/internetolympics/ >> New challenge: Cheese! << It's a magnificent one-word challenge. It's tasty, tasty curdled milk. Do with it what you will. It's CHEESE. Challenge suggested by Smash Monkey, Drimble_W and stereoroid http://b3ta.com/challenge/cheese/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * SICKIPEDIA GETS A BBC MENTION - Christ knows why anyone at the BBC thinks this is a good idea, we suspect a conspiracy to make the Beeb look shit so Murdoch can move in and asset strip. http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-12775389 * DAILY MAIL DO OUR NAUGHTY SHOP CHALLENGE - but credit Facebook instead of us. The shits. Still, 'supermarket scrabble' is a better name. http://goo.gl/QapBc (Daily Nazi) http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/naughtyshop/popular/ * THREE CHEERS FOR PARSNIP CAKE - cat_the_dentist writes, "parsnip cake is utterly delicious and x2 as gooey sweet and moist as its poorer cousin, the carrot cake. Give it a go, although I don't normally do a thick icing, just a little lemon juice and icing sugar drizzle. Yum." Next week can you try turnip cake please? http://uktv.co.uk/food/recipe/aid/514249 * KATE / HARRY MUG DOBBED IN - anon writes, "It's a side project by one of the creatives at my agency (Leo Burnett London) - he chose the name 'Guandong' as a reference to the Guangdong company that are famed for shite knock-offs. But you didn't hear that from me." ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * FACEBOOK ANONS - MeekMan asks, "Wouldn't it be great if there was an option on Facebook to make a post anonymously. That way, your friends would know that SOMEONE they knew had said something, but not exactly who. Things like 'She's only marrying you for a passport, Rick' or 'Your new jacket makes you look like a dick, Sam'." Or indeed, "Jesus Christ John! You're visibly swelling in each and every photo I see. Stop self-medicating your misery with food and visit a doctor and tell them you're depressed." * GAYPORNIFY - chavyboy writes, "Hi - just wondering if there's a site where you can upload a small picture of a friend's face, and it will be automatically photoshopped into some lovely gay porn? You know, for teh lulz and that. I can't believe that such a thing does not exist, but if I am correct, it seems that B3ta is the place to suggest such a thing." * A BROWSER PLUGIN THAT SHOWS YOU WHICH POLITICAL PRESSURE GROUP SOURCED WHICH STORY - like all the shit the Taxpayers' Alliance get into the papers about 'fat cat' teaching staff, so they can help prepare the ground for the wholesale privatisation of education. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @cr3, Sonny_Jim, Bootsthealchemist, Scrambled Edd, Mr.Neversoft, Vulva, BrokenCoccyx, mrandrist, Peter Davison, @simonth, Tribs. Top Tippery by sandettie light vessel automatic. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Additional writing via @tomdavenport, @giant_squid, @AlexDRobertson , James Stedman, dominic tunon, @RadioVicky, Simon Guerrero and Rob Walton. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Got a potted cactus? Rather than watering on a daily basis, give it seasons by soaking it for about 36 hours and then don't water it at all for 2 months. When you water it again after the dry season, it will visibly swell. Each wet season will make it grow more than just a daily watering would. Also, watering it daily will kill it. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive