we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "GOING TO WAR IN THE MIDDLE-EAST, CAUSE IT WENT SO WELL LAST TIME" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * PARTY - in *your* room * KATE & WILLS - misprint mugs? * BABIES - not laughing ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Party, Kit Kat and Greggs >> Party in my room << "I went away to India for six months last autumn," explains robm79. "Whilst I was away, one of my best mates lived in my flat looking after it for me. When I got back from the airport last week there was a note on my coffee table to press play and this video came on the TV." Possibly NSFW due to supermoon. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Party_in_my_room >> Giant KitKat Chunky << "I was hungry," says corruptia. "So I made this. And now I'm diabetic." http://f1a.me/b2jkr >> The Greggs Adventure << "I'm attempting to eat and review every product sold at Greggs," moans jgroome. "More than one person has said that I'm well on course for a heart attack before I hit 30. I say that if forcing my body to consume fatty or otherwise unhealthy food just to write a blog is wrong then I don't want to be right." http://greggsadventure.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Bodge Jobs Last week we told you that if it wasn't fixable with a hammer, it wasn't worth fixing. We were wrong. Apparently it's possible to fix** things with fireworks too: http://b3ta.com/questions/bodger/ * "In order to plug in the microwave, the kettle, the toaster and the coffee machine in the tiny office kitchen, we had a four way trailing socket. The problem was, it wasn't attached to anything and sort of hung in space, suspended from the various cables plugged into it. This was deemed dangerous, as accidentally snagging it would likely pull the kettle off the work surface onto the person making tea. We taped it flush against the wall, but it got knocked free. Then we put the kettle on top of the microwave, so it hung down by the microwave, only slightly out of the way; equally cumbersome. Something had to be done. We called the maintenance guy. He turned up, unplugged the kettle, pulled the microwave out, revealing two wall sockets, and plugged the kettle into one of them. He then looked at us like we were idiots and walked out. He was kind of right." (SnowyTheRabbit) * "Men! If a long winter evening tempts you to try a bit of kinky sex and you are about to use that ever-handy duct tape as an impromptu gag, here is a tip: as it is applied, compress your lips together. Hard. Otherwise, when your snog- hungry partner rips that gag off, the hair will suddenly get removed from your upper lip AND a good deal of your lips will be forcibly torn off your very face. A bodged waxing might be bearable, but let me be clear: having your lips torn off is not. You will scream, you will convulse, you will knee your partner right in the claggies and you will spend the rest of the evening in chilly silence while you slowly bleed. Just sayin'." (IChewCandlewax) * "It's Gaffer Tape, not Duck Tape, not Duct Tape, not Fucked Tape. Beware inferior rip-offs. Proper gaffer tape holds the entire music business together. Without it, live performances simply couldn't happen. I've seen it used to: hold a mic-stand together; hem trousers; gather slack cloth; attach a $20,000 special effects light to a vertical brick wall and, in one lovely instance, provide uplift and a cleavage to a less-than-well-endowed backing singer. However, the ultimate gaffer tape award goes to the genius who taped a promoter's Porsche onto a wall. It did involve the entire crew, a forklift and TWO rolls of tape, but they got it done. Wimps. I could have done it with one." (Legless) ** nearly kill people >> This Week's Question << Anyone who not only voluntarily takes on our kids for the day, but also attempts to teach them something useful deserves our respect. Tell us about the teachers that inspired you, made you laugh or merely set fire to the science lab: http://b3ta.com/questions/awesometeachers/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Harry + Kate Middleton wedding mug << This printing mistake cup is everywhere this week but we're suspicious we're being played for mugs by cunning people who know exactly what they're doing. A quick check on Companies House finds a number of opportunistic businesses registered to the same North Finchley address including Cantpaymybills.co.uk, Can Support It Limited, Powerflush King and Sex Toy Shippers. http://bit.ly/dO8Q4X >> Mien Kampf sequel << Did you know Hitler wrote an unpublished sequel to Mein Kampf in which he predicts a British Empire / Nazi union in 1980 to defeat the USA? Nor did we until reading Wikipedia. BTW: If Russell Brand was a despot with plans to lead the Aryan race to global rule he might have called his autobiography My Struggle Wuggle. http://goo.gl/V5f5e >> Bestest Lennon interview ever << Lennon doing politics has been widely dismissed as laughable, but have you ever read his early 70s Marxist interview? Fascinating stuff that's rather been swept away. We particularly like the bit where he predicted the coming destruction of the working class, "They think they are in a wonderful, free-speaking country. They've got cars and tellies and they don't want to think there's anything more to life. They should realise that the blacks and the Irish are being harassed and repressed and that they will be next." http://homepage.ntlworld.com/carousel/pob12.html >> Who needs the full story? << Headlines conjure the strangest images, apparently. At least, they do in @ericwedum's world. Add some twisted but vivid imagination and you end up with mental pictures that may well look something like these. Just remember, reading the tiny text with the detail is for wimps. Safe for work, but keep the eBay search for mind bleach on standby. http://f-ckyeahheadlines.com/ >> World in 2000, as predicted in 1910 << Looking back at looking forward has always been a popular pursuit, even if it doesn't make up for the lack of flying cars and domestic robots. Villemard's 1910 picture postcards both over- and under-estimate advances. http://www.sadanduseless.com/2011/03/world-in-2000... >> Jim Davidson no longer racist?! << Somebody very very smart is currently advising Jim Davidson. What's he famous for? Racism. What is unacceptable in current society? Racism. Therefore why not write a book and a play about how you learned not to be a racist? Genius. And Christ, you couldn't make the cover up. http://bit.ly/hhtfA9 >> Rebecca Black analysis << If you're one of those people who refer to Rebecca Black's seminal masterpiece 'Friday' as THAT FUCKING SONG, perhaps you haven't looked deep enough for its subtle brilliance? Best philosophical analysis we've seen. http://bit.ly/fzOtoe ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Weak sub-headline joke goes here. >> Kraut Rock << When German government ministers resign they have a military ceremony and get to choose the music. Minister of Defence Karl-Theodor zu Guttenberg quit after the web found out he plagiarised his PhD thesis, and then ordered AC/DC from the army band. They wouldn't do it, but were happy to parp out a cover of Smoke on the Water, lit by flaming torches. When Michael Gove goes we want the Grenadier Guards doing Prince's Sexy MF on horseback, underwater. http://goo.gl/ThwIT >> Mum's head is exploding!! ...Oh hang on.. << Loads of adverts use laughing babies to hook us in. It's something in our genes, probably; happy sprogs make us happy too. What they don't show is the out-takes where they stare in terror like they've seen whatever the baby version of James Corden is. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Mums_head_is_exploding_o... >> Why London's road systems are so crap << A proper documentary, like what you might see on TV, about the abandoned plans and botch-jobs that gridlocked London and resulted in the circle of hell that is the M25. Includes naked moobs, a vomiting Thatcher and a bit where he draws on his monitor with a felt tip. You don't get that from BBC Four. http://goo.gl/jw9KN >> The Mario Movie as it should have been << Forget the misguided 90s effort, this trailer quite clearly shows the Mario franchise for what it is - nothing but a disturbing descent into a drug-induced hell. The moustache is still glorious, however. http://goo.gl/MsMkn >> I want to sax you up << Sexy sax player Sergio Flores terrorises innocent LA shoppers with the saxophone part from George Michael's Careless Whisper, complete with authentic 80s mullet and leather gear. Starts to get brilliant around the one minute mark. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Sexysaxmansaxagrams_com ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Don't be meano to The Beano Check out the name of the guy who edited the Beano between 1984 and 2006, you'll have to scroll to the middle, or maybe CTRL F for 'Kerr' http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-12770341 ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Baddies Challenge Last week we wanted you to introduce film baddies to TV sitcoms: Your favourites included: * HOGAN - beta bandwagon meme explosion glory triumph (SqueakyG) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10359178 * MERCILESS - space-age despot moves from Mongo to Texas (okyosexwhale) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10360868 * NAZIS - French Resistance Nazi caper celebration (The Great Architect) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10359230 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/filmbaddies/ >> New challenge: The Internet Olympics << It's the Internet Olympics. What events would be included? Who would take part? Who would win? Tell us, using the sporting prowess of Photoshop. Challenge suggested by gaylord stinchcomb. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/internetolympics/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * FUGLY BEARS - "I was perusing eBay one day and saw someone selling a bag of false teeth," writes Smaldini. "I pondered this for a while, thinking about all the reasons someone one might buy them, and laughing at the idea of someone buying them to add to soft toys. And then I thought, sod it, why not become that woman? The answer is, apparently, because practically nobody wants to buy teddy bears with artificial human teeth." http://www.etsy.com/transaction/45221213 * HELP THE GUARDIAN FORUM EXILES - "The Guardian newspaper ran a discussion forum called 'The Talk' for over 10 years," explains JohnnytheSailor. "A couple of weeks ago they shut it down in mysterious circumstances without any warning leaving nearly 1,000 regular posters, including me, bereft. "I sat down and started writing a replacement and put it live 48 hours after the closure. We've been going for a couple of weeks now and I've had over 600,000 hits so far but without new members we will wither and die!" 'Mysterious circumstances' sounds enticingly juicy, although it probably means 'ran out of money': seemingly the reason for everything these days. http://talk.notthetalk.com * BRISTOL QUO - If you thought the Illuminati controlled everything, and hinted at this by hiding images in American currency and the like, you obviously aren't aware of the power of b3ta. Darkgreen has discovered a b3ta meme lurking in the banner of the Bristol Is Green website, right there on the harbour. Blimey. http://www.bristolgreencapital.org/green-capital * DEATH METAL WASHING MACHINE - "Re: music games from last week's newsletter - I downloaded Sound Hound for my phone, which appears to use some sort of weird dark arts hocus-pocus to recognise music," confesses sandettie light vessel automatic. "After testing it on various radio stations, I tried it on my knackered old washing machine during the rinse cycle. It came up as 'Open Arms to Damnation' by Born of Osiris. Yes, it seems my washing machine is a tribute act to the hardcore death-metal scene." This has inspired us to go round the house, testing which bands our appliances are covering. * MUSIC VID INSPIRED BY NEWSLETTER - "I made a music video based on the Glide2 video that was in the newsletter," intones HCowling. "We did two takes at it, in the second one the station guards are in the film shutting us down so we couldn't use it." This is a lovely thing, although the actual platform must have been total mayhem. http://goo.gl/PG0JL * MUTATED MONTY ON ADULT SWIM - "Here is it, in case anyone is interested and can't watch the channel," grunts the great man. http://goo.gl/4e3LW * MUTATED MONTY RIPPED OFF BADLY - "Here's an amusingly terrible rip-off of one of my videos," smirks mutated monty. "I was emailed about this by someone who had to work on it. I'm guessing since they nicked the music as well they weren't expecting many people to actually see it, which is probably a good thing judging from the inherent shitness of the result." http://goo.gl/FSTpy * "WATCH MY BROTHER'S FILM!!!" implores old-school b3tan barryheadwound. "My brother is a writer. Over a decade ago he had an idea for a film. Nothing overly revolutionary, but a solid romantic comedy in good keeping with British film-making tradition. Today, the concept that my bro came up with 10 years ago hits the screens in nearly 400 cinemas nationally. Hell yeah! "He's got a blog too. Quite an interesting look at the process from script to screen." http://goo.gl/3aT5G ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Blind man's cuppa Close your eyes and attempt to make a cup of tea. Points for not ending up in hospital. ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * GEORGE MICHAEL PROTEST - We've been vaguely wondering about recording a very slow version of Faith by George Michael with OTT autotune/chorus effects. But can't be arsed. Can you? * ALL THE INTROS OF NUMBER ONES OF THE 90S - PJ writes, "Ages ago you asked someone to mp3-up the first 10 seconds of every number one of the 80s, and they did. I still listen to it, and still taunt my friends with it. Can you make a similar appeal for someone to do one for the 90s or 00s?" * COMMENTS FOR THE STORIES WITHOUT COMMENTS ON NEWS SITES - lots of stories on the Guardian don't have comments enabled. Sometimes this is for staffing reasons, other times it's because of legal issues. Make a site that scans for these articles and adds a comment button. If you want to minimise legal issues, host it in a "data haven". http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Data_haven Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Red nose: [email protected] God knows: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by LordManley, malcolmcoles, mastercucumber, disco_doctor, matthaswell.co.uk, @Kodabar, stubbledchin, Newsletter additional writing via Twitter chums at: Jon Bounds, stephenfrizfrizzle, Jared Earle, Michael Connor, @orbrey, Oolong, Giles Goddard, nick foister, Carolyn O'Reilly. Top Tippery by sandettie light vessel automatic. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via Paul_P. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Make people say "Well, it's certainly different" by serving them carrot cake that's been made with parsnips instead of carrots. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive