we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "YOUR WEEKLY DOSE OF LIES AND VIRAL ADVERTS" next issue » « previous issue "Your weekly dose of lies and viral adverts" This Week: * SPOCK - What's in his scanner? * EVA BRAUN - in black-face makeup * MATT BAKER - vs the PM ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're rubbing our ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Your money means we can be arsed to write this shit instead of just pissing around on Twitter. Divert some of your ad spend our way: http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Kebabs, Spock, Bikes >> What's in Spock's scanner? << If you've ever wondered what Spock looks at when he stares into that tiny screen on the Enterprise bridge, wonder no more! "This is part one in a series," predicts Black Moon, "(if this one does well)." http://www.b3ta.com/links/Whats_in_Spocks_scanner >> Twats on bikes << "Recently I have noticed an alarming increase in the numbers of people who see cycling as a great way to 'dress to impress' in the Shoreditch, Hoxton and East London fringes," explains nitro fan. "I felt what they really needed was a cycling club of their own, hence The Hoxton Wheelers Cycling Club blog." He'd also like you to send him your own pics of any likely Wheelers members, ie. dickheads. http://hoxtonwheelers.blogspot.com/ >> I'm waiting for my fucking kebab! << "I'm either going to hell or getting bottled for this edit," complains burnside, "It's a portrait of modern day Binge Britain from the all-seeing eye(s) of kebab shops.' It's a grim picture of all our futures: low wage economy and lashings of cheap booze. Or it's just some dickheads. You decide. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Im_Waiting_For_My_Fuckin... ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Stupid Colleagues Last week we wanted to know just how dumb are the people you are force to share an workplace with. These people are so stupid they haven't even worked out how to skive off on b3ta yet: http://b3ta.com/questions/stupidcolleagues/ * WHALES - "Barney was a decent, nice-but-dim sort of guy. One afternoon were talking about whales and he seemed quite suspicious when I told him they weren't fish and they breathed air. 'Ok then, so how do they breathe underwater?' 'You know when they come up to the surface and squirt water in the air? Well that's them breathing out,' I said, as uncondescendingly as I could. He looked at me like I was an idiot, then started laughing in my face. 'That's not breathing!' He laughed. 'That's them FARTING. Their bums are on the top and they come up to fart! Didn't you even know that!?' 'Um... I'm pretty sure they're breathing,' I replied, slightly stunned by this new information. 'Think about it...' He added slowly, so I'd understand, 'if they didn't come to the top when they farted, their arseholes would fill up with water and they'd sink.' (tinpixel) * BUNNIES - "Our receptionist had just been away for a romantic weekend in a log cabin in the New Forest with her boyfriend, but returned concerned and angered. 'They were just running around everywhere, on the road and everything,' she complained, oblivious to the howls of laughter around her. 'You'd think people would take more care of their rabbits.' She couldn't get her head round the concept of wild rabbits once it was explained to her either. 'How did they get there? What do they eat? Where do they go at night? IN A HOLE??? Shut up, don't be stupid, they would die.' I dread to think what would happen if she saw Watership Down, her head would probably explode." (Stopitnowplease) * AFRICANS - "A colleague of mine was sent to attend a conference about some new cancer drug trial. We asked him who the Keynote speaker had been and he replied, 'Some African guy.' It turns out he'd read the name 'John Charles MBioChem' and assumed that MBioChem was his surname, as it sounded, 'kind-of Nigerian.' All this despite the fact that he was himself a 'Master' of BioChemistry and had exactly the same letters after his own name. He has since gone on to achieve a PhD and no-one knows how." (Guntfuggle Quackblast) >> This Week's Question: Bodge jobs << To be honest, if you can't fix it with a hammer, it wasn't worth fixing. It certainly works with web servers. Tell us about your bodge jobs: http://b3ta.com/questions/bodger/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Blacked-up Eva Braun << The Daily Mail photos of Eva Braun and her Nazi chums make me think of our Gov. Loads of rich people enjoying top larks whilst the country burns. BTW: We don't want to link to the Mail but when they find content as extraordinary as this it's hard to say no. http://istyosty.com/exk >> Ode to Charlie Sheen << Missed the Sheen story? Rich drug addict doesn't follow script. If caught you're meant to go "Sorry! Rehab!" and carry on behind closed doors. Sheen, instead, has been oddly authentic and shouted loud and proud that he loves drugs and hookers. This against a backdrop of being sacked and having his kids taken off him. Fun times, but he's given the internet several new catchphrases and, hey, some new material for the Autotune the News guys to work with: http://j.mp/gJxdQP >> Kate Middleton For The Win Tumblr << Lots and lots of pics of Kate looking moderately attractive (we see her as a more effective version of Michelle Heaton) with LOL WE'RE RICH captions. This made the official B3ta wife spit feathers. http://katemiddletonforthewin.tumblr.com >> Poor old Assange << The plot to smear Julian Assange's name continues. 1. Rapist. 2. Anti-semite & now 3. Cat hater. http://goo.gl/rfeAb >> Asda dating << The story behind this stuff is it's basically a white label product. A third party business called ukdating.com sets up as partner, uses the brand to get a bit of traction and everyone pockets a few quid. Quite a result to get Asda on board though, as everyone will laugh at it thereby getting tons of publicity. Should we want to, we could probably set up B3ta dating with these shits. Or, more alarmingly, Sickipedia dating. http://asdadating.co.uk/ >> More Etsy lols << In the week when Etsy was demanding $$$ from mockery site Regretsy for use of their images comes a new way to laugh along with the types who make weird crap and flog it online: men forced to model their girlfriends' 'crafts'. A more glum collection of guys you've never seen. Still, laugh away, as they might look stupid but they are getting laid. http://bit.ly/ggnaXC ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Look again, it's only flashing pixels >> Police typing lols << We've been interviewed for TV occasionally, and there's often a bit where they say "let's just get a shot of you tapping away at your PC". They use it to mask transitions, else your interview would be full of jump cuts and look jarring. It's not normally done quite this badly. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Police_IT_Skills >> MP Air Guitar << Some lovely found footage of an MP in parliament, idly doing a bit of air guitar whilst another drones on, superbly cut to audio of someone shredding a guitar. Made us want to punch the air. http://b3ta.com/links/MP_rocks_Parliament_with_air... >> Matt Baker mocks David Cameron << An unlikely event this; the Gov organised a lovely bit of PR for themselves and PM Cameron went on the fluffy One Show to deliver some bullshit message to the people. All heavily scripted and tightly rehearsed. Then one person didn't play ball. Right at the end of the interview, presenter Matt Baker threw in an unscripted dig that was so masterfully done it could just be an ambiguous question. Wonderful. Also interesting insight into the newspapers as The Guardian and The Mirror managed to review this exchange as "comfy" and "fluffy". Our theory is that they didn't watch the broadcast but reviewed a pre-prepared script. Ho hum. And let's hope Matt Baker doesn't get shuffled off permanently to Country File; we can't imagine BBC brass will be letting him near anything contentious again. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Football animation << If football always looked and sounded this nice, we could probably stand to watch an entire game. But just one. http://youtu.be/cRZMjHzWXQc >> Conga Dogs << "Dog on a trike, leading a conga! Dog on a trike, leading a conga! It's the best thing in the world. Dog on a trike, leading a conga! Singy the songa, the remix is longer" etc etc. http://j.mp/gwiw7u >> "You're so hot" << Duel between two guys who use their sexuality as a weapon. http://t.co/7isNgIs ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Also featuring "cock monthly" * UNFUNNY NAME CORNER - Second-highest paid exec at Barclays is named Rich Ricci. http://bit.ly/ia0RhR * PENISY TITLE.GIF - It's easy to mock that their logo looks like a cock. http://easymock.org/ ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the LEGO Challenge Last week we set a one word challenge: LEGO! Your favourites included: * TERMINATOR - he'll be back, this time rendered in injection-moulded plastic (Joe Scaramanga) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10352342 * EXORCIST - perfect plastic re-enactment of *that* scene, only lacking in vomit (E Dubya) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10354292 * TERROR - Legoland undergoes an attack eerily reminiscent of 9/11 (HappyToast) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10352662 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/lego/ >> New challenge: Film Baddies in TV Sitcom << Imagine if movie bad guys started showing up in TV sitcoms - Darth Maul as David Brent, or The Terminator running the show in Yes, Minister - then use that imagination to create an impressive entry for this week's challenge. Suggested by Afinkawan. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/filmbaddies/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * NZ RUMBLES ON - ElGranto writes, "I'm a lifelong Christchurch resident and, like many, many others, I've been affected by the recent earthquake. Unlike Marcus Gower, I took no offence from last week's Top Tip. Not the funniest gag in the world, but it was kind of nice to see my poor little town get some props on one of my favourite websites and, for me at least, part of getting over such a tragedy is trying to scrape a laugh out of it where you can. While I appreciate Mr Gower standing up for us from all the way up in the North Island, please rest assured that one joke on a noted humour site is not causing any lost sleep down here. I just wish we'd had a better QOTW." Hooray, so we can move to NZ to hide from the West's economic meltdown then? Also, in breaking news, Japan, but we'll avoid making the same gags about them. * EVERY B3TA QOTW IN EBOOK FORMAT - we've covered this earlier but the project is now completed, fredthedeadhead writes, "You can now download every single past qotw in epub format. You'll have to install Calibre (which is basically amazing for organising and converting ebooks)." http://goo.gl/m9NIK ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include: * SS MEMORABILIA OF THE FUTURE = want to earn a few quid on eBay in the future? Stock up now on the free pens from Barclays. Come the revolution it'll be like having an attic full of Nazi uniforms. * MUSIC GAMES - Here's one we play: "hear" a tune in your head and hum the first note out loud. Then check Spotify and see if you've got the pitch right. This might also work with BPM but we haven't bothered trying that yet. * FRANKENSTEIN MODELS - Luke Jerromes writes, "Hey, I was in WHSmiths the other day, and I noticed there seemed to be a row of those first issue 'create a thing' magazines. You pay 99p for the first issue, and get a magazine and the first piece towards the eventual object you will have created. After that, the prices go up to about £7, and for that you get a tiny insignificant piece of what is probably to be an unachieved ambition. I was just wondering, could a b3tan create something out of all the pieces of first issue magazines?" * GOOGLE MAPS UBER ALLES - McClairey asks, "Could someone please invent a thing which changes all maps on websites into Google maps? Trying to find my nearest bank branch on their Bing maps function is like wading through a box of geographical vomit." Yep, ban that Bing thing. * IPHONE SCRATCH CARDS - an idea so evil we've explained it more fully here: http://goo.gl/OEKfi Send your bottles of e-piss via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: Keep sending us emails, we read them all. ------------------------------------------------- Subwoofer: [email protected] Submeower: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by the proles of the future: sitting at home earning pennies as a knowledge worker, only speaking to people who they agree with via twitter, also sinister_prog, MeatSafeMurderer, TheMichaelMoran, oholiab, sicalcutt, via Pazuzu, sheesidd, @oholiab, mothdust and @JaneLMcGrath. Top Tippery 2 by 835Rocks. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via WormuIus. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: If the government wants to stop people buying fags why not, on opening, make the packets explode with shit and piss? Actually, screw health warnings on fag packets. They should just print them with embarrassing messages. "I have VD" "I touch kids" "I voted Tory" TOP TIP 2 Car manufacturers! Tune your car horns to a note on a C Major chord. Traffic jams would become a musical joy to listen to. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive