we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "B3TA NEWSLETTER - THE BITS OF THE WEB THAT AREN'T JUSTIN FUCKING BIEBER" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * STUTTER - The King's Rap * DRUNK - Toddler rampage * SICKBAG - Royal wedding souvenir ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're dobbing you ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Don't be a twat, buy an ad. (tm) http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Vintage pics, Horses, Choices, Kettling and The King's Speech >> Historic StreetView << "Way back in an April 2010 newsletter, you said you'd like to see a world-wide google map of vintage photography," accuses Adam. "We've tried to build that, with fading transitions from 'then' to 'now' in StreetView. It's mostly US-centric, apart from a handful of shots in the UK, but we'd love for that to change!" http://whatwasthere.com/b/3890 >> Unexpected horse << "We were on the flea market buying compact cassettes when a horse showed up from nowhere," exclaims kingafkong. "Luckily we had our trusty baking tray with us. We saved the day." Good comic timing. http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_muzzle_man_Flea_mark... >> It's not a game, it's a toy << Mental little multiple choice thing made by theBaboon. "Enjoy!" he hoots. http://baboon.co.il/mitoza/ >> Kettling game << "I made a game about being kettled for when you're being kettled," explains Tarka_the_Frotter. "It's called... Metakettle." Looks like it might genuinely be fun to play on a long, dull weekend penned in by the fuzz. http://terrorbullgames.co.uk/metakettle >> The King's Rap << Dan Bull deftly leaps on the King's Speech bandwagon, sadly just a little too late to win a BAFTA for best rap-related film tie-in. "I spent Valentine's Day making this," confesses Dan. "Yes, amazingly, I am single." http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Kings_Rap ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Little Victories Last week we asked for the pathetically tiny victories that you'd achieved. The more pathetically tiny the better. And these are so wonderfully pathetic: http://b3ta.com/questions/littlevictories/ * HOLES - "A while ago, the people who make Polo mints brought out "Polo Holes", which were supposedly the bits that were stamped out of the middle. I was a schoolboy at the time and my English homework was to write a letter of complaint. I chose to complain about Polo Holes as the definition of a hole is a cavity; nothingness so by that measure the packet should be empty. How disappointed I was to find these white things in the packet. I promised not to take the case to trading standards if they sent me a years supply. Genius. Well-written letter, no harm done. Except teacher decided to mail it. Several days pass and I receive an unexpected parcel at home. Inside was a wholesale packet of polo tubes with one noticeable difference: all the packets were empty. Yes, EMPTY! The enclosed letter explained. We are sorry for your disappointment - we'd hate to fall below your expectations again, so we've enclosed a sizable supply of your definition of 'holes'. Don't eat them all at once!" (sunray18) * DRAG RACE - "In the days of yuppies and affordable petrol, before anyone had ever heard of global warming, I used to drive a clapped-out Jaguar XJS; something a bit classier than the usual loutish Essex boy racer cars of my contemporaries. At about 3am I'm driving home from London after a long night at work, and I pull up at a set of lights on the outskirts of Romford. There are three lanes, me in the middle and, on my left, a proper Essex wide boy in a silver Porsche 911. He starts revving like mad, inching forward in stops and starts, and shouting something at me. I look over to my right, where there are two young-ish blokes in a fairly fast-looking Ford Sierra. With a tip of my head, I indicate the Porsche driver and, with a barely perceptible nod, the passenger shows he understands perfectly. A few tense, adrenaline-filed moments pass before the light goes amber. Either side of me, I hear squeals whilst I sit there until the green and gently waft off into the night to the strains of the BBC World Service. The Porsche spins its wheels and heads for the horizon at an insane pace. The Sierra also waits a moment for the passenger to briefly tip his hat to me, before it too zooms into the night with as much zest and urgency as the Porsche, but with slightly more blue flashing lights on top." (Andy_R) * DRUG BUST - "I'm 19. I have long hair. I am flouncing down the street in Kingston Upon Thames. It is 1992. I have a cold. I blow my nose and put the snotty hankie in my pocket just as I turn a corner. A police van full of Met coppers are watching me. As I pass the van, one says, 'Oi! Hippy... What did you just put in your pocket?' 'A snot rag,' I reply. 'Empty your pockets.' I do. I hand him my very full snot rag. He opens it up, obviously hoping to find a kilo of cocaine. It's all my green snot. He tries to hand it me back. I say, 'I don't want it!' and walk off. All his copper mates are howling at him as he's left with a handful of my warm wet bogey-juice. My finest hour." (inactionman) >> This Week: Wanking Disasters Part II << We'd like more of your stories of jerking the gherkin and double-clicking the mouse. Talk to us here, you tossers: http://b3ta.com/questions/bashthebishop/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> People then and now photos << A photo-meme that's been around on the web for a while now, is getting adults to recreate their childhood photos and showing them side by side. We blame ZeFrank, who runs youngmenowme, but artist Irina Werning is taking the idea and running with it. Her attention to detail is accurate to the point of autism and the photos are all the more stunning for it. http://irinawerning.com/back-to-the-fut/back-to-th... >> Royal Wedding Sickbag << Hey, poor people! Don't worry about the government cuts and the potentially savings- destroying inflation! Wave your flags because some rich people are getting married! Thankfully a sickbag is at hand. We're going to need several, although mostly to wipe ourselves off after googling for Kate Middleton upskirt shots. http://t.co/ixPyVGE >> Bollards of London << We like street furniture, it's oddly fascinating. Thankfully there's people outthere who share our love. Although don't tell our friends, as this is pretty much one step up from bus spotting. http://bollardsoflondon.blogspot.com/ >> Sexy Pigeons << Coo! Red-blooded bird fanciers will be flocking to this site. Pigeon chested you say? Oh yes... http://sexypigeons.com/ >> Ninja zombie times tables << You know those moments when you find yourself wondering just how awesome an Abraham Lincoln/Platypus crossbreed would be? Well wonder no more with the handy Times Table of Awesomeness! Ideal thing to print out to give your kids nightmares. http://goo.gl/jhjG2 >> I'm Brian Partridge - Aha! << Remember when text-to-speech software made all your documents sound like they were being read by Prof Stephen Hawking or his sister? Polish developers Ivona have now created a whole new range of voices for your listening pleasure - particularly Brian, who sounds uncannily like Linton Travel Tavern's most famous guest. And is it just us, or could Jan from Poland be the dwarf from Twin Peaks? http://www.ivona.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Stuff that wobbles about on the screen >> Peter Wyngarde's Rape song << Wyngarde is best known for two things. 1) playing the character Jason King on some 70s TV show and 2) being arrested and convicted for an act of "gross indecency" in the toilets of Gloucester bus station. Let's make him famous for a third thing - singing a racist song about rape. Quite how anyone thought this was fit to release is beyond us. http://bit.ly/d3q6af >> B3ta *hearts* Brett Domino << Brett Domino is making a bit of a name for himself: a TV appearances on Britain's Got Talent; a recent chart placement at #29 for his song about Ben Goldacre's Girlfriend Gillian McKeith; and we're happy to see that, with all the attention he's getting, he's not forgotten his youtubey roots. This loving version of Prince's I Feel For You is a tribute to the wonderful keyboard sounds of the 80s. And the studied comedy with the red rose is perfect. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Paint is pretty << Simple yet so effective art created by pouring paint onto a plinth. Jacksons Pollock is kicking himself for not thinking of it. If he was still alive. He's probably in painter heaven shouting "POLLOCKS!" http://www.b3ta.com/links/Pretty_paint_is_pretty >> Dig deep: drama student's dirty protest << "Please," begs Brent, who sent in this clip, "will someone come up with something that will get this out of my memory?" It's hard to say what's most disturbing about this short 'documentary': the woman's very public scratch 'n' sniff work, the nibbling that follows TWICE, or the fact that she carries on regardless, despite looking directly at the camera phone. Definitely enhanced by the stunned laughter of the guy in the foreground. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Drunk toddler vs. puppets << Trudi Tilley and Kate Pearson both mailed us this awesome vid of a baby getting shitfaced in a restaurant, eating the other diners' food, coughing bits of sausage up over strangers and then tearing up the joint. Tough to imagine how the full 14-minute movie will manage to top this trailer for Las Palmas, a Scandinavian short film due to be released later this year, but we're fairly sure the hangover shits scene won't be pretty. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> 2,564 frames per second << "Some new camera called the Phantom Flex," writes combatcameraman, "capable of 1080p at 2,800fps. Quite impressive." Certainly is, although if we were bored in a Vegas hotel room, we might have done more than turn taps on and off. Then again, given that the day rental rate for this baby is $3,000 and the buying price ranges from $50,000-$150,000, it might be too risky to expose it to the elements. "Now I just need to rob a bank and post you all some slow-mo kittens." http://www.b3ta.com/links/2_564_Frames_Per_Second ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Trawling the internet for rude bit. Again. * TWANG YOUR G-STRING - Germans love rocking out with mullets, but they need guitars first. Thanks for this, Guitar Dude. What's inside the hole in the middle? http://www.cuntz-guitars.info/ * SPUNKING UP A DULL BUSINESS - being an estate agent will never be exciting, unless you get to answer the phone 'Hotblack Dixon.' "I noticed the sign emblazoned across a shop front in bloody Hampstead of all places," spurts Bathory. It even feels nice to say. http://www.hotblackdixon.co.uk/ * RED HOT BUSH - A hand-clappingly good cock drawing here – it's even going into something resembling a splayed arsehole. "This struck me as a particularly good phallic logo, especially when combined with the name." Thanks Banjo-Jeff, you've just taken away everything that is pure and innocent about Lily Cole's favourite tea. http://www.redbushtea.com/ * CROUTONS, SIR? - Peej spotted a sneaky goatse on the back of his Cup-A-Soup pack. Good work, Batchelor's. No comment as to whether they taste like they've been made in an arse, though. http://goo.gl/bW9aQ ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Find the star Discovering stars need not be a TV shit-fest like X factor. This week's game involves you finding them in a series of clever puzzles, and not a trace of Simon Cowell. http://www.nekogames.jp/mt/2008/09/_hoshi_saga_3.h... ------------------------------------------------- : CAT SURVIVAL TRUST LOGO CHALLENGE Winners get in touch with this chap! Dr Terry Moore writes, "Very many thanks for running this challenge. The quality and number entries were astounding, which made it all the more difficult to select winners. The overall winner with the main logo was 'Happy Toast' with entry 10325884, winning a framed photo and a year's adoption of one of our cats. "A more formal logo used on badges and stickers etc was entry 10324048 by Puromycin who wins a year's membership and a framed photo. "A special logo for children's section was entry 10329710 by Q4nobody (version number 4) winning a year's membership and a copy of Super Dave's book. "Others may certainly lead to the basis of things like bumper stickers etc and in these cases I will contact the designers to offer free membership for a year. "Please arrange for winners to contact me at cattrust AT aol DOT com to organize delivery of 'winnings'. "Once again many thanks for your assistance and we would be pleased to show you round to see the cats whenever you are in the vicinity of Welwyn." http://b3ta.com/challenge/catsurvivaltrust/ ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Tourism Challenge Last week we wanted you to promote Britain Your favourites included: * SWEARY - misunderstanding of challenge leads to spectacularly rude results (HappyToast) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10331472 * YANKS - compare and contrast the old country with the new, and come to Blighty (moon monkey) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10334878 * YANKS II - more baiting of our trans- Atlantic neighbours and their appalling lack of history (benito vaselini) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10331763 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/britishtourism/ >> New challenge: Film Aftermath << The movie ends and the credits roll, but what happens to the world and its characters after the films we all know end? Challenge suggested by Zak McFlimby http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/aftermath/ ------------------------------------------------- : FOLLOW UPS The bits that don't quite fit else where * HORRIFICALLY UNHEALTHY FOOD - "Here's how to make a MOTHER F'CKING DEEP FAT FRIED MARS BAR NUTELLA AND CREAM PIE!" exclaims 90Nz0, who wants your BMI to be the exact same number as your life expectancy. Jesus Christ, and it bears an uncanny resemblance to Robert Kilroy Silk. http://goo.gl/KZPIw * MORE TEALY GAME - freakyzoid writes, "Thanks for featuring my game Tealy & Orangey in the newsletter. Bloody loads of people read it, judging by the number that popped by to my site (but you probably know that already). Anyway, there's a new version of the game available now, and I thought some people might be interested again. It has 10 new levels, and even rock harder Advanced mode, and a practice mode where you can replay any level." http://www.mainlyaboutgames.co.uk/tealyorangey/ * SEND LATER EMAILS - we got lots of messages about this, most of them suggesting to either use Outlook (yuck) or a plug-in for Thunderbird called send-later. Or dial-up. We run a gmail house here; c'mon Google sort this out. * ALBUMHOLE 2 DEADLINE LOOMING - DaveExclamationMark writes, "Just under 2 weeks now to the cut-off point for Albumhole 2.. I've had some cracking submissions so far. It's looking awesome." http://www.b3ta.com/links/580339 * LOTS OF MESSAGES CRITICISING THE GHB / ALCOHOL POST IN LAST WEEK'S NEWSLETTER Including Londoninflames who writes, "Reading your latest missive I note that your piece on alcohol almost manages to advocate GHB and GBL usage as a hangover-free way to achieve the same end, sadly made illegal by our government. I feel that I must warn your readers who may be compelled to track down some of this substance that it is significantly more addictive than alcohol (or cocaine for that matter), and once you're addicted withdrawal can only be managed medically and results in ghastly hallucinations, fits, and occasionally fatalities or severe mental health breakdowns. I should know, as I am a recovering addict myself and nearly died last year during withdrawals. Word to the wise, is all." * HANGOVER ADVICE - also Da' Vane who writes, "The effects of a hangover can easily be mitigated by understanding that alcohol is a diuretic, and the effects that this has on your body. After drinking, make sure you keep your fluids and salt up to compensate for the effects of dehydration that occur afterwards, especially before you pass out, and you will never have a hangover again." ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. This week we asked on Twitter what you'd like to see and you said: * "iPhone app that Google's incoming numbers and gives you odd facts to surprise callers with." (@bounder) * "An actually decent Nokia/Windows phone." Not very likely is it? (@alexjblandford) * "A countdown website ticking off MPs who voted for war in Iraq leaving office - when all gone we can try trusting again." (@brokenscience) Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Civil partnership: [email protected] Civil partnership termination: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel and David Stevenson with additional worditude from Warneford / @JudgeySan (wonderful work), lostlooking (thumbs up), RadioVicky (thanks!) Ian Parsonson, Ian Williams, Chris Elwood, Craig English, @somegreybloke and @joeloverton. Stuff sent in by @Zuowan, @cgalla2008, @ZombieDoris, @hoochalobster, Edward Evans, Herb Alperts Taxi Driver, Oysdgp, @mattround, Michael Ellis, Mattle, dug/frag Top Tippery by A Vagabond. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via Damocles. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Do an impression of your mum by patting the back of your hand and trying to bite your left ear. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive