we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "MUBARAK DOUBLE QUACK DOUBLE QUACK" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * WINDOW LICKER - singing fox * PANCHUKS - kung fu frying pan * JOY DIVISION - recreated in plastic ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Torie's think cuting ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Other than 'whoopie' >> Kung Fu frying pan << Bruce Lee breaks out the panchuku. "I started out as a quick spang and didn't stop," confides smaggers. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Bruce_Lee_Panchuku >> Secrets from the rubble << Two friends trapped in a collapsing house learn a heartbreaking secret that will change their lives forever. "Hope you enjoy," caroos Ornsack. "It will make up for the bollocking my girlfriend gave me for trashing the living room." http://www.b3ta.com/links/Secrets_from_the_Rubble >> Foxy Fox << "I was having a bad day at work," moans DefyingDarwin, "So I made this to cheer myself up." Another cute take on the window-licking fox vid that the kids go crazy for. http://www.b3ta.com/links/having_a_bad_day_at_work >> Lost sock tribute << A surprisingly nice thing, made from "the fallen socks and gloves of the Holloway Road" and a glue gun. Nice one, @pollollups. http://j.mp/hBANqN ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Needless to say, I had the last laugh Last week we asked for your smug tales of getting on over somebody. Smug? Moi?: http://b3ta.com/questions/lastlaugh/ Only one story this week, but that's because it is a wonderful thing of beauty: * THOSE BLOKES - "It was a warm, liquid afternoon in summer, showing Bournemouth off at its best. Happy people wandered the beach-front shops, bikini-pretty and giggly - and that was just the guys. I, however, lurched along the pavement like a zombie with one of those nasty little rattling Boots carrier bags: bed-hair, bleary, snotty and a doubtless smelly young man. And in front of me was one of Those Blokes. You know, one of Those Blokes. Stocky, short type with gorilla-hairy arms. Always over-tanned. Dark hair combed back so hard its got furrows and you can see the scalp, which always glints hair-gel green. And, of course, a thick gold chain around the neck. Yeah, that's right, one of Those Blokes. I don't think I'm that judgemental as a person, but if you are one of Those Blokes the first thing I think on seeing you is, 'You knob. Bet you teach PE' and I haven't been proven wrong yet. Our particular bloke was leant proprietorially against the boot of a grey Ferrari, chatting up two bikini- clad damsels who were at least a decade too young for him. I had to lurch past, so I couldn't help but over-hear him holding court on the merits of this particular make. Normally I'd have said nothing, but as he expounded fulsome details of all that 0-60 crap, I couldn't help but mutter sourly: 'Yeah, but the seats are too low and clutch is an utter bitch.' Bloke shot me a look of smug contempt, gave the Ferrari's boot a little fatherly pat and said: 'Well I think I know more about this kind of car than you do "mate".' The inverted commas clanged with sarcasm. Right up to when I haughtily unlocked the car, threw in the Boots bag and pulled away. Even better, he kind of froze up in cringe, so stayed leant on the boot until it turned into empty air. One of Those Blokes, arse first onto the tarmac? Lovely." (IChewCandlewax) >> This week's question: Little Victories << Nothing feels better than a cheque from the Inland Revenue for £2.40 of overpaid tax. Tell us of your own trivial victories: http://b3ta.com/questions/littlevictories/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Should I work for free? << Handy chart to consult when somebody approaches you to do some work, with no financial compensation. And they always, always do. http://www.shouldiworkforfree.com/ >> Make your own "Barbara Streisand" song? << You know that annoying song that just goes on and on then the bloke says "Barbara Streisand"? Well now you can make your own, with words of your choosing. And it will be just as annoying. http://goo.gl/GIv2D >> Buses on screen << Could this be the geekiest website ever? It's a lofty claim, but here's your one-stop resource for information related to bus appearances in the cinema or on television. http://www.busesonscreen.net/screen/screen.htm >> Tracking down Anonymous << Older readers may remember Anonymous, the ominous hivemind of hackers, trolls and madness that laps the edges of cyberspace. Here's the cautionary tale of one man's bid to infiltrate and identify their leaders. http://tinyurl.com/6xhleht >> Soundcloud visualiser << Visualisers have a hypnotic effect on us, so we awoke from checking this out with dried drool on our chin. Anyway, you can link it to your favourite tuneage to see what it looks like. http://www.apexvj.com/ >> Queen Mum's book of remembrance << Excerpted tributes to the great woman, after she died in 2002. We remember this going down, as there was an ongoing competition on the popbitch messageboard to come up with the most offensive entry. http://bit.ly/fBB55L ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Funny line here >> "Yup" << TrololololololoREMIX. Disturbing. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Yup >> Stewart Lee talks Top Gear << One of the world's finest stand-ups talks painful death for the popular motoring show presenters. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Stewart_Lee_on_Top_Gear >> Bob Dylan wrote every song of the last 35 years << And here's the documentary proof: http://youtu.be/MumScDIZMJc >> Micro Men - Micro Mix << Swede Mason-esque re-edit of tribute to 80's-era computing. "Jet Set Fucking Willy!" http://www.b3ta.com/links/Micro_Men_Micro_Mix >> Dubstep bank ad << Vastly improved redub of that twattish bank ad where they all pretend to be whacky DJs. "ISA ISA baby" indeed. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Halifax_remix >> Playmobil Joy Division << Pushing the envelope on what can be recreated via retro toys, a shot perfect recreation of their first moment on TV, dubbed to the audio of the broadcast, complete with introduction by the late, great Tony Wilson. A work of love. http://bit.ly/i9LC4O ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Like normal names, only rude * HAVE YOU EVER HEARD THE EXPRESSION "CUNT HAMMER"? - trust us, it's a phrase: it's on Urban Dictionary! Here's an actress with a similar name in French: http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0539981/ * COMPANY NAME AT ODDS WITH COMPANY PHONE NUMBER - or maybe 'so wrong it's right' memorable marketing. http://twitpic.com/3vplbc * A SCHOOL NAME SO RUDE - that they use the IP address to get to it through naughty word firewalls. Might be easier to just change the name of the school. http://62.233.95.44/ ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Song Title Challenge Last week we wanted you to provide literal interpretations of song titles Your favourites included: * JIMI - fantastic juxtaposition of incendiary guitarist and cow fodder (The Hedghehog From Hell) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10323855 * BOB - hot domestic feline science fiction action (yanmania...) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10326322 * GEORGE - Britain's leading celebrity driver beats his juice (littlefish) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10324036 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/literalsongtitles/ >> New challenge: Promote Britain << With the coalition thinking of moving May Day to October to lengthen the tourist season, what else could be done advertise this great country? Challenge suggested by monkeyboyalpha http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/britishtourism/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * CON-DEM PINUP CALENDAR IN DAILY STAR - The UK tabloid went big on Waspbox & asciifaceofbob's sexy political calendar, as seen here last week. http://www.b3ta.com/links/589303 * BEN WHEATLEY WINS AWARD FOR BEING AWESOME - Massive congratulations to Ben Wheatley for winning Best Newcomer prize at the Evening Standard Film Awards for a "rare and confident type of film-making that promises only good things in future." http://goo.gl/Z7Oi2 * B3TA'S QOTWS IN EBOOK FORMAT - fredthedeadhead writes, "Over the weekend I decided to spruce up my ebook reader by adding some of the old Questions of the Week to it. However, bulk downloading was a pain, and impossible to set the metadata for each individually. So I wrote a program to do it! Here's the result of the first (incomplete) batch. It's in epub format and even includes images." http://www.mediafire.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHY ALCOHOL MAKES YOU FEEL LIKE SHIT And why this won't be solved Neurostatic writes, "Alcohol gives you a hangover mostly because it is a 'primary alcohol'. This means that when it is broken down it mostly turns into a poisonous chemical, ethaldehyde, then into a slightly less poisonous one, ethanoic acid. If the alcohol ingested was 'tertiary' then it would not be possible to metabolise and would simply be excreted whole. "Sadly (or not, depending on your point of view), if alcohol were invented today it would be covered by the Misuse of Drugs Act, because of its potential to 'cause a social problem' and be 'misused'. This also covers any proposed substitutes. "Not to mention the alcohol industry, which has a surprisingly strong influence on drug and alcohol policy, wouldn't entertain the idea for more than a minute. "The most promising substitute is one already found in small amounts in the brain. The body 'knows' exactly how to break it down and as such it lasts about 2 hours and produces no hangover. Called GHB, it was banned in 2003, and another version was banned in 2009. It is still available on prescription as an alcohol addiction treatment and a sleep medication." ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Space Cannibals Space Cannibals is a game by @Matttound. Your Ginger Furher helped out by writing a song you only hear if you pass about 12 levels. Bet you don't hear it! (that's a challenge btw.) http://goo.gl/mOfdL BONUS GAME! WHAT'S YOUR STREET AGE? Seeing as promoting our own work is a bit lame, here's another game that impressed us this week. It's a multiple choice video thing for you to work out your "street age" - although everyone playing it seems to come out aged 38 - it's a very impressive, immersive and well acted bit of work. http://bit.ly/gNYTQ1 ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something ZOMGAMAZAGASM and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * REFRESHER / RENNIE SCIENCE EXPERIMENT - Ted_Rex claims, "I always like those refresher sweets, cheaper than antacid tablets but more tasty and just as effective." Can somebody do a double blind controlled test please? * MY BIG FAT GEEK WEDDING - a reality show where keen internet users get married dressed as Klingons etc. * DELAYED EMAILS - rtyronejones asks, "Someone pls invent a device which saves emails to send them out in the morning so you don't seem like an insomniac workaholic nut." Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Cuddles: [email protected] Uncuddles: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @mattround, NortonWalker, Vulva, nickie72, somegraybloke, Fuzzyjumpers, Linbox, DaveExclamationMark, Tab Hunter, jamesthegill, James Tong, ambergambler, Mr_Kipling_, TheMichaelMoran, editorialgirl, Top Tippery by sandettie light vessel automatic. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via the ever-fragrant @mushybees, with the runner-up tory line from @TheRangeLoner, and we also bunged in the ginger fuhrer line from Harry Robinson. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Give yourself a rather sweaty arse by fabricating some underwear from an electric blanket and sit watching TV all evening. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive