we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "CUT OUT AND KEEP AMSTRAD CPC464 COMMEMORATIVE ISSUE" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * POKES AND PEEKS - Youtube infinity lives poke! * IPHONE 4 - No tape drive shock! * FACEBOOK - Exciting 'friend based' type-in! ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're going to make ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then stick your acoustic couplers here, and "log on" to our M.U.D: http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- 1 REM ***************************** 2 REM **** ALAN SUGAR EMULATOR **** 3 REM ***************************** 10 input "Are you a twat? (y/n)",a$ 20 if a$="y" print "You're hired!": end 30 if a$="n" print "You're fired!" ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Planes, Doctor Who, Mentos and Sticks >> Paper planes from space! << "Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" yells Joel Veitch, for it is he. "We released a load of paper planes at an altitude of over 37,000 metres - which is loads higher than we thought we'd get, so christ alone knows how far they'll go. The video makes it look like we were vaguely competent and that it was quite quick, neither of which are true. It was difficult and fraught!" http://www.b3ta.com/links/583555 >> Doctor Hooey << "Ever wondered what Dr Who would look like if, remade by a Turkish cable channel on a budget of £27?" inquires majoringram. In fact we were considering that very thing - thanks! FYI: He is now taking applications for Daleks in part 2. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Doctor_Hooey >> Mentos and Coca-Cola experiment << "Quite dangerous, isn't it?" asks Black Moon, as he posts this documentary proof. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Mentos_and_Coca_Cola_exp... >> Sticks whodunnit << "Here's a fresh Sticks," writes MyUlls. "Featuring an evil jar of tahini and a cunning marble. Obviously." See if you can guess the murderer before the big reveal. http://www.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- The CPC464 was launched on the 21st June 1984, which makes it two days older than Welsh songstress Duffy. The CPC is better because it's not Welsh and woudn't reject our 3" floppy. ----------------------------------------------------- : SOLVE YOUR HANGOVERS Sponsored linky Drinking is utterly awesome until the next morning and you wake up and feel like you've had brain surgery performed with a house brick. Solve this with a magic pill. Because these pills are magic. http://www.b4sonline.com ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK DIY Surgery "You KNOW something's SERIOUSLY wrong when you are naked, on your knees and wearing goggles with your cock in one hand and a miniature angle-grinder in the other." Go read this and his other tale of a DIY enema gone wrong: http://b3ta.com/questions/diysurgery/ * "Back in the 80s, my dad worked shifts as a textile worker, which required regular and respectful use of massive fuck-off machines of varying degrees of crushingness, choppingness and mangleability. My dad remained unscathed, but other more careless employees had lost a few bits and bobs here and there, ranging from a digit or two to, well, continued existence on the mortal plane. One of the lads on shift with my dad paid for a lapse of concentration with the loss of the tip of his middle finger, just below the nail. Painful, but a lucky escape in comparison to some. Some staunching, a visit to A+E, application of gauze and bandage, a few days off work in a painkillered haze and a lesson learned. Job's a good 'un. A few weeks pass and the dressing comes off, revealing his newly foreshortened finger. The getting-used-to of it proceeds as more time passes, and soon enough, it's just the way things are. Which is presumably what makes the gradual appearance and growth of a little fleshy nubbin at the end something of mild interest, rather than a potential cause for concern. It's probably also the reason why our hero feels no need to visit a doctor, even if just to put his mind at ease. It's obviously the lost nail pushing its way back out. Obviously. So he gets the nail clippers, pincers the nubbin between the blades and snips ...the nerve ending...clear through. He woke full two days later in hospital." (doran) * "A few years ago I decided to try my hand at flint napping. My other half at the time suggested I wear safety gloves/goggles lest a nasty razor sharp shard of flint decide to become one with my person. Naturally, I ignored this and carried on regardless. After a while, dissatisfied with my progress, I decided to go at it with a lump hammer. *Something* broke off and sliced my finger open, which bled profusely. It was some weeks before I realised I had something lodged deep, deep inside there. The doctor wouldn't operate as it would apparently work its way out eventually. It didn't. It was some years before I accidentally discovered the *something* inside my finger was magnetic! I spent days with a hard drive magnet slowly teasing the mysterious object from my finger, until one day it tore through the surface and I pulled a small cresent-shaped shard of lump hammer from my finger, leaving a strangely not bleeding hole visible all the way to the bone, and the greatest feeling of satisfaction I've ever felt. Lovely." (brutal stack) * "A friend of mine, at a party, decided to take his bean bag apart. Lots of little polystyrene pellets. Lots of fun having indoor snowball fights and generally drunkenly cocking about. Until I got a bean in my ear. Right deep down in my ear. Couldn't get it out with a finger. Couldn't get it out with pliers. I'm now completely deaf in that ear. I've only succeeded in pushing it further in. Brainwave. Out comes the Dyson. Hose attachement. Socket it into my ear, nod, and the power comes on... Took me two weeks for my ear to stop ringing so I could tell if the process had worked or not. It had. Dysons are noisy!" (inflateable) >> This Week: I'm glad nobody saw me << Have you ever done something stupid and sighed with relief when a quick look about revealed nobody was watching? Did you get away with it? This week's question sponsored by Mary Bale: http://b3ta.com/questions/nobodysawme/ ------------------------------------------------- Whilst in development the 464 was codenamed Arnold, an anagram of Roland, the name of the engineer who lead the project. Sticking 'Roland' into an anagram generator we get 'lard on' which is great because it sounds like the stiffy a fat man would get when thinking about Greggs. ------------------------------------------------- : BEN GOLDACRE PLUG Lock up your pets, Ben is on tour To absolve us from a secret sin, Dr Ben suggested we could redress our karmic balance by plugging his sciencey tour that he's doing with his cyber-chums. You should def go if you want to see a man with curly hair get very excited about geeky stuff. Brian Cox, Simon Singh and Robin Ince will also be there, so it's going to be a bit of a treat for the ladies. http://goo.gl/kWID9 ------------------------------------------------- : BRIEF SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates * HOW SECURE IS YOUR PASSWORD? - a neat little test, although typing your passwords into a random site that knows your IP address is possibly dumb. http://howsecureismypassword.net/ * GOOGLE LOLS - 1) Go to Google translate 2) English to Hungarian 3) Type in "cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese" 4) Click Listen 5) Laugh like a little child http://translate.google.com/ * DRUNK OR CHILD - "I pooped in a bucket in another room while my friend was sleeping." What do you reckon? The words of a toddler, or a tippler? http://www.drunkorchild.com/ ------------------------------------------------- The 464 came in two models, with a colour or a green screen monitor. We'd like to come in two models, Irina Shayk and Lily Cole but we're writing self-indulgent retro computing jokes on the internet and apparently these things are mutually exclusive. Who knew? ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY OR INTERESTING IMAGES FOLDER Mini lols for the time-poor * FUNNY! ROW BETWEEN TWO CHURCHES - although what's interesting is the amount of people who want to believe this is true rather than the obvious (and amusing) photoshop that it is. http://bit.ly/f5zDJT * INTERESTING! REEFY ART - Jason de Caires Taylor makes concrete sculptures, submerges them in sea water and waits for coral to grow. Lovely idea and very beautiful. http://goo.gl/Xblww * FUNNY! DAYTIME TV TALK SHOW LABELS - these shows sort of look awesome and we'd totally watch, if we could be arsed to leave the laptop alone for 15 minutes. http://www.youmightlikethis.com/2011/01/this-is-am... * FUNNY! IGGY POP IS SAD TORSO - btw if you've never listened to Iggy's album The Idiot, call it up NOW on spotify. NOW damn you. http://goo.gl/yDGXL * INTERESTING! PORNY BIRO ART - no idea who makes these but if any women end up dead with a blue biro shoved up their vagina then Dexter would finger this guy. http://www.leenks.com/gallery1406.htm ------------------------------------------------- In the late '80s the 464 was relauched as the 464plus. Everything with plus added is shit. Spectrum+. Timesplus. Platyplus. ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO 160x200 pixel sized 2fps lols * COOKING IN SWEDEN - Sweden used to be such a nice word. Abba, Volvos, I Am Curious (Yellow) etc. Now it's been taken over by sinister forces. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Just_your_average_meal_t... * BOLLYWOOD MATRIX - the most exciting action sequence we've seen in yonks. Just when you think they're going to pull back from the edge of silliness, they crank it up another notch. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Bollywoods_version_of_Th... * BADLY-TRANSLATED MADONNA INTERVIEW - Madonna interview translated from Hungarian back to English. Then translated from English to Hungarian and then back to English again. http://www.b3ta.com/links/French_Saunders_Read_fro... * INSIDE AN ALCOHOLIC'S KITCHEN - amasters1980 writes, "A friend of mine decided to film the kitchen belonging to one of his friends. Despite him living there for over a year there is nothing edible there, save for a bag of frozen peas and a can of macaroni cheese. However, every cupboard and drawer is stuffed with wine bottles." Funny, or arguably tragic. http://www.youtube.com/watch * YEOMAN TOUR - Yeomen Warders work at the Tower of London and probably had something real to do in olden times but these days are mostly there to entertain the tourists, and entertain they very much do do. We hope this guy keeps his job once this vid goes viral, as his humour could get him into trouble. http://www.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- Lord Sugar's mum had named him Barry Alan Sugar and not Alan Michael then his company would have been the quite wonderful BASTRAD PLC ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Manhood Community College We're sure Manhood Community College is a great school and we have no desire to have their PTA sending us complaint letters but it is a bit of a silly name. "I was expelled from Manhood." http://bit.ly/gntzCG ------------------------------------------------- If Alan is the 464. Nick and Margeret are peripherals. Nick is stiff and irritating, a DD1 disk drive. Margaret crusty and dusty, a broken DMP-1 printer. His new flash turnip Karen Brady, a futuristic DK'tronics lightpen. ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Pointless USB Challenge Last week we wanted you to invent entirely stupid USB devices. Your favourites included: * CLEVER - this is the kind of brilliant Scientific thinking that made our nation great (The Hedgehog From Hell) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10310170 * TINY - for those occasions when a regular keyboard is just too big (benito vaselini) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10312940 * PRISM - Pink Floyd's prog classic given the USB treatment (Christian's Bolt and Ski) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10311763 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/pointlessusbdevice/ >> New challenge: Goth << It's dark, it's gloomy, it sits in its room listening to the Sisters of Mercy, and it's this week's single-word challenge: Goth! http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/goth/ ------------------------------------------------- The CPC disk operating system was called Amsdos - a variation on the name of the more popular MSDOS. Should the 464 had lasted a few more years then maybe it could have run Amsdows. ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * APPEAL FOR SLOGANS - badnanny writes, "Dear Lovely b3ta, I am having a new year revolution! I am contacting all sorts of people and asking for quotes/doodles to embroider onto 'uncomfortable cushions'. I'm after stuff that will get people thinking a bit, don't care what it is so long as its not sweary or booby. I'm going to try to sell them at craft fairs in Brighton. Please be delicious and send me a little quotey something and I'll send a picture in return. Let me stitch you up! Big thanks, Weez x" Send your slogan to badnanny AT hotmail co uk. Our suggestions included, "DOWNLOADING... TEA", "Hug me over your tummy" and "Me, myself and Wifi" * PHIL ZIMMERMAN vs iPHONE 4 - Writes Joel, "Phil Zimmerman reviews the iPhone 4 for us. He's not impressed with the way the predictive texting doesn't function properly, and is not pleased he has to buy a rubber sheath for it." http://goo.gl/UeMF1 * HACK FOR ESTIMATING EBAY POSTAL - lots of your wrote in and suggest buying scales (boring!) but we liked the simplicity of The Vomiting Hitchhiker who writes, "Find similar items on eBay, check the seller's feedback, then copy their postal charges if it's good!" * GEEKY DIGITAL TIMES - welsh git writes, "I can't believe you forgot to mention the time: 4:04 - time not found. Call yourself geeks?" ARGH! We're so shit. * KIM JONG IL SONG - ma0sm writes, "I recorded a song in tribute to the website Kim Jong Il looking at things which you can listen to at the link below. Would be great if you featured it in the newsletter." This really made us grin, and we like the idea of writing different songs to listen along to with famous websites. http://Soundcloud.com/neonhighwire/Kim-Jong-il-loo... * PANDERING BUT NICE EMAIL OF THE WEEK - Claire writes, "my newsletter subscription has outlasted the boyfriend who originally introduced me to it, oh, 5 or so years ago!" ------------------------------------------------- Issue 664 in 2014. 6128? Due in 2123. Your Ginger Fuhrer will be 150 and telepathically dictating each issue from his cryogenically preserved head into an Amstrad 8256. ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Online CPC emulator Similar to the Jasper one for the ZX spectrum that's been knocking around for years, you can now play your favourite 464 games in your browser. Well, worked for us in Safari and massively failed in Chrome. Still, nice to look at the porky pixel loading screens. http://java.cpc-live.com/ ------------------------------------------------- An early starring role for Amstrad computers was in the TV soap Eastenders. Colin and Barry, the gay couple, had a 6128 in their flat which purred seductively in back of shots, exciting schoolboys everywhere. ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * ROOM 404 - a podcast where nerdy guests chat about 10 websites / technologies that aren't there any more but were aces. This week Sir Clive on the QL, wobbly ram packs and the now closed Spearmint Rhino website. * DOOBAGE SORTER - flatfrog requests, "a machine that will sort through all the crap at the bottom of my bag and pick out the leftover crumbs of weed, to save me from smoking bits of chocolate, grit and broccoli florets." Ah, we remember being young, trying to smoke banana skins and cobwebs. Still do actually; got a taste for it. * LAPTOP BATTERIES THAT GENUINELY LAST ALL DAY - would be a bit more useful than making them go 5% faster. Send contributions on a Woolworths C15 cassette, recorded twice on each side with a printed-out listing. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us using our cyber-eyes. ------------------------------------------------- Load "[email protected]", &c0000 Save, "[email protected]",a ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This Feb 1985 edition of Amstrad Action was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Type-ins sent in by carl_baley, DaveExclamationMark, @Daffydil, @iankwilliams, Captain_lambkin, @williamtheblood, @jameskhedley, Bootsthealchemist, @watfordpete, @somegreybloke, dirtyscarab, @Simon_Pegg, John McEnroe and DisgruntledGoat. Pokes by Smale. Advanced OCP Art Studio readers images selected by Fraser Lewry. Adventure game reviews by Mike 'The Pilgrim' Trinder. Font font also by Mike, who worked very hard on this, poor chap. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Insulate your house. Inject a mixture of whipped egg white and sugar into the wall cavities and the loft. Turn the heating up to high. Hey presto: meringue insulation. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP 2: If you're having difficulty loading your newsletter then try adjusting the azimuth settings on your tape drive. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive