we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "IMPLANT JOKES ARE THE BREAST ONES. BUT CAN GO TITS UP." next issue » « previous issue This Week: * VID - Magic Otter translated * SFX - Make your own 8-bit sounds * APP - B3ta on your iPhone ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | 'We're typing ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? It's yours assuming you want to bung us some cash. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Otters, Cats, Darth Vader and Horses >> Magic Otter - The Translation << We're loving Slurpy J's voiceovers the memes of the week. We particularly enjoyed The Great Soprendo in the shape of an otter. Plus cat v washing machine. Like Walk on the Wild Side but, you know, actually good. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Magic_Otter_The_Translat... http://www.b3ta.com/links/Cat_vs_Washing_Machine_T... >> Vader has some free time << The Dark Lord of the Sith kills some time in his little techno-pod. Circa 1982. Black Moon wins 50 points for extended amusing geekery. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Vader_has_some_free_time >> Horse with hands riding a bike << Horses are hard to draw, hands are hard to draw and so are bikes. What better test of what makes a man than to attempt all three? Hero of Switzerland, we salute you. http://horsewithhandsridingabike.blogspot.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Bullshit and Bullshitters Last week we asked for your experiences of the sort of fantasists who joined the army at the age of 12, shagged three hundred women and don't sit at home on their mum's computer: http://b3ta.com/questions/bullshit/ * PSEUDO KRAY TWIN TWATS - "Two brothers I used to be in Sixth Form with were convinced they were the rural West-Midlands equivalent of the Krays. This mainly manifested itself through low-level thievery and boasting about 'Drugs, computer games that aren't out yet, anything mate... we can even get you a shotgun.' A few lads in the year actually believed them and pooled their money to buy a shitload of weed ('top quality, mate, best you can buy. Bands send up from London for it... honest') Next week comes around. No weed. 'Yeah - we haven't been round our man's yet. He's been having problems with the pigs and he's got to lay low. Take it easy.' End of the week. Still no weed. Some of the lads ask for their money back. It's not forthcoming. This being a small town - we quickly find out from someone's mum who's a copper, that the brothers had been robbed on a local estate where they'd driven in their mum's car and asked the first dodgy-looking bloke if he could get them some weed. They had agreed to HAND HIM THE MONEY while he disappeared into the estate to pick up the drugs. Naturally, he'd just fucked off. The best bit about it? They'd reported it to the the police, and, after some gentle prompting from a astute PC, admitted that they had indeed been trying to buy drugs. The older of the two had broken down crying because he was convinced that he was going to get a criminal record and wouldn't be able to get on the catering course at the local college. They both ended up having to get jobs in the local supermarket to pay back the lost money... which isn't very Gangsta when you think about it." (SnowyTheRabbit) * MR MAKEY-UPPY - "Not so long ago the company for which I work hired an outside company to do some work for us. It was all fine, except for one guy who would never, ever, under any circumstances admit he didn't know something. When faced with a situation where he felt he might show weakness by admitting ignorance, he would either bluster for Britain or (more usually) make up something or other that sounded credible to him. This works in some types of business but not when you need a precise technical answer. I was bitching about this idiot in the pub one evening but not doing a great job of explaining to one of my Romanian colleagues who didn't know what I meant by this "bullshitting". "Okay," says I. "I'll give you an example through the medium of role play." I closed my eyes and, channelling Stanislavsky, assumed the part of the fantasist contractor. "Now, ask me a question to which I don't know the answer." "Pineapplecharm," she said. "Are you gay?" (pineapplecharm) * GREEDY, CHILDISH LIES - "I used to love Sugar Puffs, but found that the box didn't last nearly long enough. So I told my brother that Sugar Puffs were actually 'shaved bees', and soon after discovered that a box would last much longer. (Lord & Lady Pants) >> This Week: DIY Surgery << Too embarrassed to go to the doctor with that infection you picked up on holiday? Too manly to ask for help? Do it yourself, it can't be that hard, surely: http://b3ta.com/questions/diysurgery/ ------------------------------------------------- : BUY JOEL'S NEW ALBUM It's "hammy" Veitch writes, "It's called The Ham Machine - the name and cover art being a very clever tribute to kraftwerk for the 3 people who'll get the joke - with some 7 Seconds of Love stuff and a bunch of rathergood stuff, some old classics and a bunch of new. 41 tracks! that's fucking loads! " BTW: Is that Mrs CR3 we spot on the cover, wearing bacon? Oh yes. http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B004I27H3... ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BEEFS Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Make your own 8-bit game SFX << Sound effect generator 'sfxr' rebuilt in Flash. Ideal for making percussion noises for your latest chiptune epic. http://superflashbros.net/as3sfxr/ >> Lighter fun << Fun. With lighters. Now, we don't want to over sell it, but this may well be the best thing ever. http://your-free-pictures.net/lighter-fun.html >> Old school shitty web design << These was a time when stuff like this made us angry, now we just feel nostalgic. http://www.webking.com/ >> 3D Paintings on glass << Cute idea - paint the different 'slices' of an images on different panes of glass and stick them all together. Eerie effect. http://goo.gl/Pzggz >> Abandoned Russian space shuttle project << If you're stuck for tourist ideas, then you could do worse. http://goo.gl/NiflF ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IPHONE APP If you don't want to use Safari, use this: Hurrah - it's B3ta app, written by Jon Grant. Basically, use this if your mobile network has blocked our site for its "mild/infrequent crude humour and references to drink and tobacco use". http://itunes.apple.com/gb/app/b3ta/id400451018 BTW: This is project built by a site member rather than a 100% official thing. So don't send us bug reports but give them directly to Jon at: http://twitter.com/jon4009 BTW2: Don't moan to us about Android. If you want that then you're going to have to build it. Any takers? ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Vids for me, myself and WiFi >> GTA4 with the friction turned off << A vision of the future when we've all got computer controlled cars then some shit writes a virus to make them all drive like a mental? Actually made us cough with laughter. http://www.b3ta.com/links/GTA4_with_the_friction_t... >> Fox News on Trolls << We're unsure watching this who is trolling who. It's quite possible that Fox is trolling the entire internet with this. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> If ad agencies did birthday parties << Although this assumes a higher opinion of ad agencies' abilities than we currently hold - we once sat on an industry awards thing where one (nameless) agency had paid £1k to enter and submitted their work which consisted of some vandalism of Wikipedia that lasted 20 minutes. http://www.b3ta.com/links/If_ad_agencies_did_birth... >> This year's Snakes on a Plane? << It's the trailer for a film about a killer tyre with telekinetic powers. It can only be amazing. Or shit. http://goo.gl/rRyMs >> Cee Lo Green's 'Fuck You' (in sign language) << This girl has got the moves. She's well def. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Cee_Lo_Greens_Fuck_You_s... >> I'm on crack << We've never taken crack, but after watching this video we wonder if we're missing out. It looks utterly fab. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Im_on_crack ------------------------------------------------- 11:11 MEMORABLE DIGITAL TIMES Because some numbers are just noticeable We find certain times really ping out from digital clocks, and once we start noticing them it feel like we notice them everyday. This is how people go mad and get obsessed with the number 23 and stuff. But hopefully we're not actually insane, and the Mi5 aren't really using to send us secret messages. * 11:11 - "There's a whole whackjob movement to the 11:11 thing. if you google it you will be cursing the nutters within minutes." (@cs192) Also @Toastertron points out, "Better get the insurance sorted then because your cock will explode with excitement come 11/11/11 at 11:11:11" * 12:34 - "Always worth staring at the clock for an extra few seconds! Also 23:45" (via @rsracing) * 13:37 - L33t o clock. We've even been known to screengrab this on our phones and then feel a bit tragic. @vidjam writes, "Absolutely, I too am drawn by powers beyond my comprehension to look at clocks at exactly 13:37." * 0:07 - "Desmond Dekker Time. And James Bond is putting it in now." (@tim_gillespie) * 8:08 - "Always gets me in a State" (@steand) ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking up skirts * PHEEDOS - Say what you like about paedophiles, well you can actually. It's not like anyone's going to say, "I'm a paedophile and I'm offended by that" http://www.pheedo.com/ * FLAPPY FUN - Dr Mexico writes, "My friend's mum says that the funny name thing in the newsletter is the best bit. This is a funny name for a book." http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/078177492... ------------------------------------------------- : PURPLESTOCK REMINDER Concert for Jessie / Nina Kerry Mountain writes, "Any chance of a final mention for #Purplestock in the newsletter? Ta!" Ok then, PurpleStock will take place at the Old Bell Hotel, Sadler Gate, Derby on Saturday 29 January 2011 at 15:00 and will go on until 3 o'clock Sunday morning. http://www.purplestock.net ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Ghosts Challenge Last week we wanted you to get all poltergeisty on our ass Your favourites included: * BIRDS - heavyweight punnage featuring flocking phantoms (The Hedgehog From Hell) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10305149 * DIANA - in which the people's princess makes an unexpected appearance (ALBIONISM) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10305833 * PILLS - Pacman meets Indiana Jones in a ghoulish Hollywood mash-up (Damocles) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10305292 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/ghosts/ >> New challenge: Pointless USB Devices << Invent the most pointless devices to make USB compatible. Thanks to brown-wings for the suggestion. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/pointlessusbdevice/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * ALBUM HOLE 2 - last year many of you contributed to the album project of B3tan songs - this year it's going to be even bigger. DaveExclamationMark is organising it. http://goo.gl/X7DNe * KUNTY THANKS - carl_bailey writes, "Just thought I'd say thanks to B3ta for their 'Kunt for No.1' Christmas campaign. Saw him yesterday, as a result of finding out about him through lurking like a scary paedo on your website - and he was fucking hilarious! :D" * DIRTY MAC BRIGADE - seamusbourke helpfully suggests, "If anyone with a Mac is having self control problems with the internet, Self Control seemingly blocks whatever you put on your black list, and so far seems to be foolproof. You can also change your hosts file, but that can be undone too, and this doesn't change hosts, but blocks site anyway." http://visitsteve.com/made/selfcontrol/ ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Webby style Advance Wars Matt 'Grim...' Squirrel writes, "It does seem terribly ungentlemanly for my first suggestion for the newsletter to have been something I did myself, but there you go. Basically, it's a copy of everyone's favorite turn-based war game Advance Wars on the DS, but on the Internet, with cows. It's in beta at the moment (heh), but it's perfectly playable and, if I do say so myself, ace." http://www.space-cows.co.uk ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something wicked, fresh or fly and tell us about it. If you are in it then you'll get respec' in your hood. Nuff said. Things we'd really like to see include: * SHOES THAT CAN'T STEP IN DOG SHIT - not sure how this could work, but please someone solve this dreadful curse on our quality footware. * AN EASY SYSTEM FOR ESTIMATING POSTAL CHARGES - currently flogging a few things on eBay and simply have no idea what the post office is going to charge until we turn up. * A PILL THAT MADE PEOPLE STAY PHYSICALLY ABOUT AGED 30 FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES - as we've concluded that's about the best age. Not too old you look shit, and not too young that nobody takes you seriously. Enjoy being 30, kids. Send your e-turds via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: I'm going to give myself a huge pat on the back. But then I'm a contortionist, into scat and also a cow. Moo. ------------------------------------------------- Winners: [email protected] Whingers: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by artfulglv19, @aleczandah, SnowyTheRabbit, MeekMan, Manic, oAmadeuso, Matt Round, Damocles, loki7.co.uk, jingle_man and Avast. Top Tippery by stonersmurf. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via Bourbon Fox. ------------------------------------------------- BONUS LINKY! If you've got a mirror you can goatse up the new 50p design. http://www.b3ta.com/board/10311367 ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Save yourself the bother of reading these Top Tips by buying a copy of Viz, you bunch of fucking cheapskates. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive