we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "B3TA NEWSLETTER: YULE LOVE IT!" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * KUNT - We can do it! WE CAN! * CHARLIE MANSON - Casio keyboard funk-miester * QUIMS - Why not colour them in? ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Charles Manson plays the keyboards << The infamous cult leader puts on a fabulous synth show, according to Rattlehead. Love this footage - the man sure loves to dance! http://www.b3ta.com/links/Charles_Manson_Plays_The... >> Cassetteboy Christmash << "Well, it's that time of year when we dust off our old Festive Christmas single, and shove it in people's faces again," apologises cassetteboy. "To celebrate, we've remixed it a bit, meaning you can listen to all your least favourite Christmas anthems in the the space of about ten minutes, and get them out of the way for another year." http://goo.gl/iDEo6 >> Where do I put the toilet paper? << "I've made a world-wide survey of toilet paper habits," boasts a tanned new_matt. "Seeing as I've just got back from South America, I could have done with it when I was out there." Potentially very useful, if you need to go somewhere exotic. http://www.wheredoiputthepaper.com/ >> Emily Davison Blues << "Here's a protest song for the newsletter," cries Tim Morris. "I filmed it, outisde Nick Clegg's Sheffield constituency office, Grace Petrie wrote the song and sung it. Emily Davison was a suffragette who went under the King's horse." We like this resurgence of student protest - it reminds us of some pictures we once saw of the 60s. http://bit.ly/gQjZlh ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK It's not what it looks like! Last week we asked for those innocent situations that didn't look quite so innocent to everyone else, let alone the sex-offenders unit: http://b3ta.com/questions/notwhatitlookslike/ * "My mate Simon used to be an illustrator, often working late into the night at home. One night he was mounting some work when he sliced a bit of his finger off with a scalpel - really badly. He couldn't stop the flow so, panicked, he went to wake up his flatmate in the hope that she'd be able to help him staunch the bleeding. She opens her door, takes one look at his finger pumping claret and promptly falls to the floor in a dead faint. A few seconds later she comes to, apologising for being a wuss. Simon helps her up, smearing blood all over her in the process. She helps him get to the bathroom in order to wash his finger, only to faint once again at the sight of the bleeding gash. As she falls, her nightshirt rides up and - whoops - she's naked underneath. Intent on protecting his friend's modesty, Simon goes to grab her nightshirt to pull it down, which is when his other flatmate arrives home and opens up the bathroom door: to find Simon poised over the unconscious, bloody body of their friend, hands dripping gore, apparently attempting to strip her naked..." (MrsP) * "Some years ago, my mate Matt had a daughter who was in the toilet training phase and would still have occasional accidents. So he and his wife would carry spare underwear and trousers for their daughter just in case. One day he nips into a public toilet in a shopping centre for a pee. As he's finishing and is shaking the last drips off, he sneezes and pulls out a hankie to wipe his nose. But it wasn't a hankie in that pocket. The other patrons of the toilets are now looking at a bloke with his cock out who appears to be sniffing a pair of pants that would fit a two year old girl." (sandettie light vessel automatic) * "In my first year of university, I lived in a student village, which was pretty cool. What wasn't cool was the me vs all-mates-at-once play fights that happened most days. It was all in good fun, I gave as good as I got, but the bruises were adding up. To defend myself I'd picked up a giant metal spoon from the kitchen as a weapon. I took to wearing this in my belt like a sword when I was in the flat with my mates. Walking to a friend's flat, I passed a couple leaving the building. I smiled, said "Hi" and held the door open for them. The girl looked shocked and afraid. I heard her say to the guy "My god! Did you see the massive knife that guy was carrying?!" to which the guy replied. "That wasn't a knife, it was a spoon." Before I could even think, I heard myself say in a comedy Australian accent "I see you've played knifey spoony before!" The guy came back to high-five me." (Mong goose) >> This Week: B3ta Person of the Year 2010 << After Time wimped out and went with some geek who runs a website as "Person of the Year", we'd like your nominations for B3ta Person Of The Year: http://b3ta.com/questions/b3tapersonoftheyear2010/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF With very short write-ups because of hang over * SHIZZLE MY NIZZLE LORUM IPSUM GENERATOR - funny and will probably get someone sacked as project managers love web developers with a sense of humour. http://www.lorizzle.nl * SELLECK WATERFALL SANDWICH - in the early 90s people would start newsgroups like alt.my.cock.smells and now there's Tumblr. Yay. http://j.mp/afsZXF * CUT OUT AND KEEP 3D STEVE JOBS - ideal for decorating your Xmas iTree. http://goo.gl/hviLb * CUNT COLOURING BOOK - a classic link on Amazon but now you can read it via Google Books. Thanks Mr Google! http://goo.gl/jhXGf * ARGOS FROM 1985 - drown yourself in nostalgia for when you hoped your parents would buy a Commodore 64 for Xmas, but instead you got an Oric Atmos. http://goo.gl/nGC6U * BETTER NAMES FOR BABY - if you're expecting then choosing names is hard, lucky help is at hand. http://www.betternamesforbaby.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Like video but with some extra HTML round it >> So you want to be a journalist << One of those strange, monotone "the truth about..." things. This time, telling it like it is about your future career in journalism. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> X Factor finalists "Heroes" << X Factor finalists and the British Armed Forces, in the performance we've all been cryig out for. http://goo.gl/9sp46 >> The world's greatest music video << Cyriak thinks this is the greatest video he's ever seen. Who are you to disagree? We've travelled the world and seven seas. Everybody's looking at some shit on youtube. http://goo.gl/r09bC >> Nee Naw Nee Naw Nee Naw << Just 22 seconds long but you'll watch it more than once. "Who's playing the bagp... oh!" http://www.b3ta.com/links/Nee_Naw_Nee_Naw_Nee_Naw >> Movie filmed by cats << These catfood people put some cameras round the necks of some cats and edited the results together, with interesting results. The film is 5 minutes long, which co-incides exactly with the length of time a cat is actually awake on any given day. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Movie_Filmed_By_Cats >> Funny horse song << Young man espouses the advantage of not being a Car-Owner in Ireland at the moment. Video contains attractive woman. A 'hit'. http://goo.gl/4ZyTy ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Wikileaks Challenge Last week we wanted you to 'shop Julian Assange's ass Your favourites included: * SPOILER - in which our man delivers a lecture on Hollywood blockbusters and spoils the endings for everyone (HappyToast) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10274979 * CHILD - a rare peak into Julian's childhood reveals a pattern of behaviour that would continue into adulthood (HappyToast) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10277488 * SEANCE - unexpected early death prompts rare life-after-death gag (Zak McFlimby) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10277922 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/assange/ >> New challenge: B3ta Christmas << It's December, and time for our traditional Christmas Card Challenge, featuring as much festive inappropriateness as possible http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/christmas2010/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * CAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE - B3ta's very own @Hexachordal is part of Cage Against the Machine, recording John Cage's 4'33" in a bid for Christmas #1. He's the bloke with the blue hair. http://bit.ly/hKGuRR * SANTACON - Si o doom writes, "Well, I picked up the newsletter at about 11pm on Friday, Wasn't working on Sat so I thought I'd go along and take some photos, within 1 hour I had a hat, within 2 hours I had a jacket, within 3 hours I had a lot of booze in me, by 8 hours I had picked up a group or americans....... I even got interviewed for the Santa news network about the outbreaks of sprout throwing and the elves who were only there for trouble.......... It was a surreal end to one of the most bizzare weeks I've had!" http://goo.gl/m9KJZ * HOW BAGGER 288 CRUSHED ONE MAN'S SANITY - good to see Joel's stuff is still causing confusion round the web. http://www.reddit.com/tb/emqp5 * CASH4GOLD STUNT - Guru writes, "I just thought that you should know the Cash4Gold pranking that you featured in your newsletter is FAKE." http://goo.gl/S5XAW ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * AVERAGE WEATHER - PaulHartshorne asks, "Can you ask the good folk that read the b3ta newsletter to create a website that takes an aggregate of several different weather websites and gives me a forecast based on them all, so i don't have to check them individually? Thanks." Personally we just look out the window then go nah, leaving the house is for straights. * AN ANTI PROCRASTINATION IPHONE APP - we haven't been able to get this fucking newsletter out the door due to a sickening lethargy that's made us play John Lennon records all day and look at twitter. Sorry. * A SNOOZE BUTTON FOR LIFE - or is that what Valium is? If it is, can we have a big bucket of it please? Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Lovers: [email protected] Haterz: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Top tip via sandettie light vessel automatic. Stuff sent in by Mushroom, planearm, mutated monty, WiL, @waxpancake, Elvis of Nazareth, PuzzlerT, jackbremer, PucatuB, jingle_man & pikey. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via Joe Scaramanga. Bees by Oprah: http://goo.gl/kbBNE ------------------------------------------------- TOP TRIP: Make Santa's job more interesting by lacing his sherry with LSD. ------------------------------------------------- UPDATE! Kunt is at 78 in the midweeks and needs about 3000 more sales to crack the top 40. We can do this. Buy here: http://goo.gl/T3R0h next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive