we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "[TITLE]NEWSLETTER[/TITLE]" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * SNOW - Mum meets giant ice-cock * PICS - Can you identify your home town? * SMUG - Let Smugopedia improve your sneering ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're uploading our ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Dogshoes, Home, Piano, Clegg and Manatee >> Booba's New Shoes - Translation << Slurpy J's James Corden-esque voiceover adds a certain charm to this cute video of a little puppy trying to cope with wearing shoes. Why is he wearing shoes? Because he's in love. http://goo.gl/Ehrlo >> That's My Hometown! << "Can you recognise your own hometown from the photos you get shown?" asks Rico Monkeon. Rather compelling and we still seem to have an uncanny ability to detect anything related to Wolverhampton. http://www.monkeon.co.uk/hometown/ >> Piano << "A new animation from me," blurts a tight-lipped Paul Rayment, jittery from neon-tinged nightmares of predatory musical instruments. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Piano >> Christmas Manatee << "Just whacked up a new thing, christmas manatee," explains Joel Veitch of this festive masterpiece, which features Joel on guitar and the Veitchson, Zak, on severed head. "RAH!" http://b3ta.com/links/Christmas_Manatee ------------------------------------------------- : KUNT CHRISTMAS NUMBER 1 UPDATE Use My Arsehole as Cunt - Nick Clegg edition Our campaign has taken a surprising turn, the official B3ta wife was watching a documentary on Peter Mandelson when she spotted a fresh-faced Nick Clegg from before everyone hated him. She said, "You know, David Cameron has really used his arsehole as a cunt." 5 minutes later a wine-soaked email was sent to our man Kunt and he agreed to do a special 'Nick Clegg story' remix. Our personal hope is that people sing it to Nick all day and every day, so he has a breakdown and the coalition collapses. We can dream, can't we? Watch the Nick Clegg Story. Extremely NSFW, or anywhere for that matter. http://www.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : YOUR NEW RING TONE 5-year-olds shouting 'Tory Scum' We attended an anti-cuts protest in Camden earlier this week and made a quick audio recording. Thought our readers might enjoy it as a ring tone? Or possibly remix it with a donk. http://goo.gl/woh8b ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Dad Stories Last week we asked you for your Dad stories. R Jimlad's story of his Dad bumming a sofa is worth the price of admission alone. Go read: http://www.b3ta.com/questions/dad/ * "A couple of weeks ago I visited my parents, dear old pensioners that they are these days, while they were watching I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here. There was a torture session involving Stacey Solomon and some bloke or other having to eat kangaroo penises, when my Dad piped up: "She'll be fine with that, Dagenham girls love eating cock!" with a sly wink. My Dagenham-born Mother looked up from her crossword, threw a pen at his head and replied, "Not any fucking more they don't." Me... I went out to the shed to look for the mindbleach and coarse-grade wire wool." (The Duke of Boredom) * "When my sister was seven, she joined the local Judo club. After her first lesson, she came home, excited to show off her new-found skills. "Watch this, Dad!" she says, taking a stance and moving her hands about in a vaguely Jackie Chan-ish way. "Are you watching my hands, Dad?" she asks. "Yes, I'm watching," he replies, just as she plants her delicate pink patent-leather shoe very forcefully into his spuds. As he writhed in agony on the floor, poleaxed by his small daughter, my Sister looks at him smugly and says, "should have been watching my feet." (Smash Monkey) * "Popped round to Mum and Dad's one time and he is in the hallway, adjusting his dress shirt and bow tie in the mirror. "Sorry Dad, didn't realise you were going out, I'll get going." "No Son, Goldfinger is about to start; gotta make an effort for Sean." And he did indeed sit watching Mr Connery with the full suit and boot on. I believe he has too much time on his hands." (Ulic) >> This Week's Question: Broken promises << Have you formed a government based on lies? Or just not followed through on the promise to love, honour and obey? http://b3ta.com/questions/brokenpromises/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that was made by internet randoms >> Kim Jong-il looking at things. << When he's not threatening to kick off World War III, much of Kim Jong-il's job appears to be walking round North Korea and looking at things. Here's a gallery of some of his greatest hits. Winner of this week's 'most emailed in award'. http://kimjongillookingatthings.tumblr.com/ >> Smugopedia << Always be better-informed than the person you're talking with - here's instant access to a controversial and self-satisfied opinion on the subject of your choice. http://www.smugopedia.com/ >> How to give a cat a pill << Simple step-by-step instructions on administering medicine to your cat. After all, how hard can it be? http://goo.gl/TE6OS >> Google Translate beatbox << Turn Google's translation service into your robotic beatbox bitch, by typing nonsense and saying it's German. Listen to this! http://goo.gl/Iu6NV >> Merry Christmas, Mister Fritzel << The best/worst 4chan escapade we've seen in a while - and it's still ongoing. http://imgur.com/CRvGV >> Pornosearch << Rule 34 states that if something exists, there is porn for it. This search engine puts that proposition to the test. Needless to say, this is NSFW. Also, we're not proud that we managed to stump it a couple of times. http://bit.ly/35AMHG ------------------------------------------------- : POINTLESS FACEBOOK CAMPAIGN OF THE WEEK Wales for World Cup 2026 After all, England isn't going to win it. http://www.facebook.com/backthebid ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER What do you call your cock? Virally survey to find out how the men of the UK refer to their third legs. Fair play to the blokes from Northern Ireland, making a convincing case for calling it "Gandalf". http://www.icallmine.co.uk ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Subtitle: Ceefax page 888 >> Mum's reaction to giant snow-cock << Sniggering teenager films his mum returning home to discover that he's spent the afternoon loving shaping the fresh-fallen snow into a seven-foot-tall cock and balls. http://goo.gl/iJDvN >> My cat is afraid of the vacuum cleaner song << Starts slow but slides into entertaining madness at around the 20 second mark. http://goo.gl/36LFP >> Fox News: US Tea Party comes to Britain << Apparently, the UK wants in on some of that Sarah Palin headline-grabbing political action and that's why there are widespread demonstrations in the streets. Fucking hilarious. http://goo.gl/WA1VT >> Showboating fire victim << Bloke is carried from his blazing home, clearly having the time of his life. http://goo.gl/bkDcb >> Automated desk fun << There's this thing called the "Yamaha 01V96", which has something called "automated faders" that move on their own. And there's some guys and they put objects in the way of the sliders to create their own percussive sounds. It's good. http://goo.gl/UsTRf >> Russian World Cup song << Still stinging from that FIFA decision? Here's a xenophobic satirical song. http://ow.ly/3jihx ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Shakespeare Challenge Last week we wanted you to shop The Bard Your favourites included: * PYSCHIC - eerily prescient television critiques, written 300 years before the infernal device was invented (enceladus) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10263845 * RICHARD - classic speech updated with snow, canvas, and some flashing lights (Lord Kronos) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10264024 * BROTHER - it's Hamlet, but shot in Chucklevision (Lord Kronos) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10263675 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/shakespeare/ >> New challenge: Protest Signs << With the entire nation going protest crazy, people need some decent placards to wave about. Your job is to provide the slogans, the kind of thing that might show up on the news and allow you to sit back and proudly think, "that was me, that was" http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/protestsigns/ ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Simple shootout game Chenobble writes, "Hold the mouse over the chamber, wait for the countdown, then aim at the opponent and shoot. Gory, simple but very addictive. My score: 286" BTW: Why don't Russian scientists wear Y-fronts? Because Chenobble fallout. http://www.gunblood.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * HOW TO SHARE LIVING SPACE NICELY - Mr Major asks, "Can we have an official B3ta guide to being a good housewife/husband/lodger?" * SICKILEAKS - for all the rude jokes that get cut from BBC scripts since The Daily Mail gave them a hard time over that Russell Brand stuff. * COAL NOT DOAL - why can't anybody stand up to Thatcher and support jobs in the North? Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by _Black_Acrylic, Frightguy, the RAND corporation, horace wimp, @NikNoCee, Ding Dong Merrily on Dave!, Herb Alpert's taxi Driver, Bootsthealchemist, Double 2, codepo8, igotdamaged, @TheoEsc, @rhyswynne, @Cockaday Top Tippery by mr major Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlos via The Dutch Inventor Mediocre. Three kisses to b4ta. Best Wikipedia photo ever? http://tinyurl.com/23vwqj2 ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: When getting dressed and taking an item of clothing off a coat hanger, put the empty hanger at a far side of the wardrobe. Repeat throughout the week. Then when you come to hang clothes up after washing, you can take all your free hangers from your wardrobe in one go and you don't have to waste time searching for them and taking them out, one-by-one. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive