we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "QUITTING THE ONE SHOW TO BE A FULL TIME SEX PEST" next issue » « previous issue "Texting your friend about a bereavement, and your name's Lol" This Week: * HARRY POTTER - cassetteboy-style * GOOD DOG - does tricks * HOW TO - "Big Motherfucking Lens" ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving soles ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then you're a spacist. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1 Harry Potter, Chap Hop and Flashmobs >> Harry Potter and the X-Rated Trailer << "Not sure how long this one will last," frets cassetteboy, over this extremely smutty clip. Every double-entendre from the Harry Potter films, in one place for your entertainment pleasure. Get in there before the lawyers do. http://b3ta.com/links/Harry_Potter_and_the_X_Rated... >> Fighting Trousers - Professor Elemental << We greatly enjoyed the last vid from Mssrs Moog and Elemental, Little Cup of Brown Joy. "This one is a dis rap to that blaggard Master B The Gentleman Rhymer, who has apparently been 'biting'' the good professor's style," explains Moog. "The Biggie & Tupac beef will look like Pinky & Perky by the time it's over." http://b3ta.com/links/Fighting_Trousers_Professor_... >> What is a flashmob? << B3tan Housewife has some news footage that explains everything: http://b3ta.com/links/Forget_flash_mobbing_theres_... ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Anarchy! Protesting! Last week we were high from watching the TV footage of the students fucking up Tory central and we asked what you had protested about. http://www.b3ta.com/questions/protest/ Our favourite answers included: * KIDS CUSTARD PROTEST - "My ex once promised our four kids, then aged about 4-10, cake and custard after tea. He shamefully reneged. The footy was on, or something, and he slunk off to watch TV. The kids complained to me. I quickly made them four little protest signs, out of cardboard rectangles taped to rulers, which said 'Cake and custard NOW!' and 'Cake! Custard!' and so on. They paraded them in front of their father, chanting 'We want cake and custard! We want cake and custard!' and totally disrupting his telly viewing. Sighing like a true martyr, he dragged himself off into the kitchen to whip up the promised dessert. Pester power, eh!" (Juan Quar) * FATHER TED / DOWN WITH THIS SORT OF THING - Emvee writes, "I never thought I'd achieve this level of web-based fame thanks to a very hastily knocked-together placard ...but more people emailed me about this than pretty much anything else I've done." http://www.failblog.org/2009/10/15/protest-fail-3/ * "BOYCOTT SHAMPOO! Demand REAL poo." (Galactic Yeti) And if this has whetted your appetite for more, feast on dear reader, on our wordy banquet: http://www.b3ta.com/questions/protest/ >> This week: Unusual talents << You know the kind of stuff - bending your fingers into weird positions that makes people go 'ewww!'. http://www.b3ta.com/questions/talent/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> How to Make a 900mm lens << Buzzfeed gives you the knowledge of how to make a "big motherfucking lens". http://goo.gl/S4pBS >> Oddest tattoo ever? << Pazuzu writes, "I was just looking for a good scaffolding picture on flickr and found... this." What thought process leads you to tattooing a bear trapped in scaffolding onto your body? We asked on Twitter and current theory is that it's something to do with Chinese medicine and delicious "bear bile." http://goo.gl/qPdmW >> Doggies & Dildos << Dogs demonstrate their failure to understand phallic symbolism. Aww bless 'im, who's hungry for cock? Is it you? Yes it is! http://www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/dildos-and-doggies >> Bad logo competition << Don't just enjoy the internet's many, many examples of terrible corporate design - join this competition and make your own. There's also a gallery of the entries so far, involving rainbows, dolphins, faeces and the word "synergistic". http://howlowcanyourlogo.com/ >> "Where do my poos go?" << Wonder no more, for the answer is available via this site. All you have to do is put in your location, your email and the time you flushed - then the world can observe your toilet habits on Google Maps. http://www.flushtracker.com >> How long can you last on the chicken raft? << We lasted about 6 seconds and got nostalgic for a simpler time when sites like these were an exciting glimpse of the future. http://www.chickenonaraft.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH Sleeping Floof These kittens look lovely and cosy, snoozing in their basket. But wait, how many kitties are there? http://www.b3ta.com/links/Sleeping_Floof ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA PEOPLE #2 Cheryl Cole, Road Trips and Slow-mo >> Super Massive Raver vs Cheryl Cole (as an orange) << We don't understand Super Massive Raver, but he frightens us, so here he is taking a long, rave-sized swing at the X-Factor, and pining for a real proper pop star. http://goo.gl/ywmw3 >> Lincolnshire roadtrip << "Sunday, was bored, drove around LINCOLNSHIRE - the most exciting of places - filmed it, made this. Think of it as a tourist information thing," explains timoncheese. Strangely enjoyable, the edited highlights of someone's boredom. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Lincolnshire_Roadtrip >> Slow-motion glide through Bath Spa station << Straylight stuck a high fps video camera out the window of a train, as it raced through Bath Spa station. The result is a smooth pan through barely-moving people, noticing details that'd normally pass you by. http://goo.gl/AcTpR ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Otherwise known as "vids" >> That Royal wedding interview << Prince William and Kate Middleton speak surprisingly candidly about their sexual adventures in Kenya. http://goo.gl/Iai5E >> Good dog! << This doggie knows an impressive number of amazing tricks. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Good_dog >> Every Arnold scream ever << The crystallized fruits of a twenty-year film career, here's just under eight minutes of strangulated vocalisation from the Austrian Oak himself. http://goo.gl/vVtmU >> World's biggest Harry Potter fan << Fake or real, there's is an impressive display of Rowling-enriching merchandise, as this bespectacled young lad proclaims that he's the world's best Potter fan. And he's single. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> "Sky Sports" slo-mo << Is it better to be the fist or the anus? Wince-inducing slow motion puts you right where the action is (SFW). http://www.b3ta.com/links/Sky_Sports >> Creepy thing of the day << Beauty ad that comes across like a sequence from 1980s Doctor Who. With the music, it's both terrifying and slightly sad. http://tinyurl.com/3xdrtqr ------------------------------------------------- : IT LOOKS LIKE A COCK Previous known as "funny name corner" * Grips for your bike - Proof, if any were needed, that BMX riders are wankers. http://goo.gl/nUUWG ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Modern Monarchy Challenge Last week we wanted you to modernise the Queen. Your favourites included: * INFLATABLE - Brenda finally provides value for money with a saucy makeover (LS18) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10247895 * RIOT - a spiffing time had playing British bulldog down Millbank way (Frogcloset) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10248437 * CORGI - run, Lizzie, run! Our head of state finally hits the skids (elvisweathercock) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10250316 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/modernqueen/ >> New challenge: Inappropriate Memorabilia << It's not just the royal wedding: there are lots of historical events whose memory would be best preserved with a whole range of tacky, bad taste souvenirs. Your job is to design them. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/merch/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * AWARDS FOR SEXY POLITICIANS - tom scott writes, "I've declared the winners of Sexual Congress, the "vote for the most attractive politician" thing from newsletter 432. Also, I sent them trophies. I hope Homeland Security won't mind." http://www.tomscott.com/congress/ * JESSIE MEMORIAL GIG - Professor Kenny Martin writes, "I'm organising a charity gig in memory of Jessie. Could I be cheeky and ask for a mention in the newsletter please? I'm splitting the profit we make between charities Nina supported, including the Cat Survival Trust in Welwyn; home of Nina the snow leopard, who's been featured on here a few times (mostly by Jahled). Could you pass on my thanks in the newsletter too, please? For all the well wishes, tributes & messages - they've really helped." http://www.facebook.com/event.php * B3TA /TALK SONG - our messageboard has factions, here's one lot giving another bunch a kicking. Amusing. Mu-hahaha THEY ARE LIKE ANTS IN A JAR, FIGHTING FOR OUR PLEASURE. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Gilbert_and_Sullivan_do_... * RIP POOR DEAD KITTENS - smoothpete sobs, "I thought you might want to know that the Fainting Kittens you linked to have both died. Perhaps you might want to give them a little RIP mention in the newsletter." Rest in peace, little kittens. Not dead, only fainting. http://www.youtube.com/watch * USER ID TATTOO - Wildheart Baby has just shown us his latest tattoo on twitter. He took his user_id number from the messageboard and permanently inked it onto his knuckles. He writes, "It's my reminder that you can do strange things if your mental health is a bit off." http://upthear.se/1i4 ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Apostrophe test OCD Grammar freaks! Make your less literate friends feel like shit by scoring highly in this quiz. http://goo.gl/l3DLo ------------------------------------------------- : "STAR" IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * A TOILET THAT COUNTS OUR SHITS - we're pretty sure we do rather a lot of them but never remember to keep a tally. Our wife cleans the marks off the bathroom wall. * A CURE FOR APATHY AND PROCRASTINATION - so we could actually write this bit of the newsletter effectively. * CAT COLLAR BOTTLE OPENER - Clunky writes, "I keep losing my bottle opener. My Dentist says my days of opening bottles of beer with my teeth are over. I can usually find my cat (called Boink). I need a teeny, tiny bottle opener that I can attach to my cat's collar. I am wondering if any B3tans may have any ideas where I can get one from. I want something that will not have a negative impact on my cat's life/fun ratio and will be usable." Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Sexyfuntime: [email protected] Lonelytime: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Theophile Escargot, TheoEsc, Cliff Richard's porn stash, cockneydevil, Ben Goldacre, [sic], mrGodFrey, sandcrack, Revilo, Death Wish Of A Deaf Fish, p_nut268, @PucatuB, mongychops, lendmeyoureyes, @tobiefysh Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. He's like a superhero that when somebody needs saving he turns up with 50 web people, who then lie about their childhood. Subjlols via HappyToast. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Tony Redfearn writes, "Guys, impress and get the woman of your dreams in to bed by simply telling her you have a 12-inch penis. By the time she finds out the truth it will be too late." next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive