we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "B3TA APPLAUDS RISKY ROBIN HOOD AIRPORT VIRAL MARKETING CAMPAIGN" next issue » « previous issue "B3ta applauds risky Robin Hood Airport viral marketing campaign" This Week: * SONG - Millbank Wankers * AUTOCORRECT - iPhone lols * JUNK - Your redundant tech ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Did Thom Yorke ever ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Protest Songs, Fingers and Bits of Essex >> A song for the Millbank Wankers << "The dickheads who violently broke into Tory HQ made me really angry," growls Dan Bull. "So I wrote a song about what dickheads they are." The last line succinctly summarises a lot of people's feelings about the rogue student rioters. http://www.b3ta.com/links/A_song_for_the_Millbank_... >> Hand fingers << Mutated Monty returns with another brain-bending vid - It looks like the title sequence to a TV show about staring at your hands and realising you're having a breakdown. http://www.b3ta.com/links/hand_fingers >> Cassetteboy vs Essex << "Cassetteboy have been taking food from the hand they had been biting," confesses cassetteboy. "Which is a rather roundabout way of saying that a TV company actually commissioned us to cut up one of their programmes. We have celebrated (or should that be betrayed) our Essex roots, with this video, Cassetteboy vs The Only Way Is Essex" http://www.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : NOT JUST BOOZE ADVERTISING; FAGS TOO Sponsored linky time Smoke at your desk and watch your boss's face. New JAC Vapour e-cigarette - a true alternative to smoking AND save money. For 20% off, use code: B3TA1 http://tinyurl.com/37zfbr4 ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Redundant Technology We asked for the old bits of tech you have lovingly hoarded because you just can't bear to let them go. We so, so want Ring Of Fire's clock and Inflateable's 1949 2-5/8" RB8 Acme Gridley Automatic multispindle. Go look here: http://b3ta.com/questions/betamax/ * "I recently threw away my collection of printed pornography. I gathered all my mags up, chucked them in a bin bag and dumped it in my neighbour's bin. As I did so, I felt a tear course down my cheek. There was no point of leaving the collection in the woods for kids to find, cherish and masturbate furiously to. Bloody new-fangled internet ruining the traditions of the past." (Crap Little Monkey) * "There's nothing that fits the description of redundant technology than the good, old- fashioned letter. My best friend growing up was Alan. Same age as me, we'd met at school and became mates pretty quickly. This was the early 90s. Although we were learning in IT about a world-wide network of computers and the prospect of electronic mail, it was still a few years off and the main form of long distance communication was by phone or letter. Alan had a cousin a couple of years older than us with whom he'd exchange letters every few weeks - till one day Alan received a letter full of the normal witterings, but signed off in a way that he had never seen before. He couldn't understand what the strange phrase meant. So he went to his very conservative mother. "Mum..." he asked, reading aloud from the end of the letter, "what does 'See you NT' mean?" It was only speaking it aloud, coupled with the jaw-dropping horror displayed by his mum, that made him realise he'd been properly stitched up." (SeasonTicketless) * "I'm still using a Hawking-Heisenberg drive. It never breaks, and even though it's a bit less accurate than an iTravel, so what? It's not like I'm going to end up before time travel was invented and out of fuel." (apeloverage) >> This Week's Question: Protests << Have you sat in, walked out, smashed up the head office of a major political party? Whine at us here: http://b3ta.com/questions/protest/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Auto correct lols << In a really shitty UI decision, the iPhone has a massively over-zealous autocorrect that changes the odd word in almost everything you type into something completely mental. It's extremely easy to not spot this until after you've pressed Send. http://www.damnyouautocorrect.com >> Chewing gum art << In a move that we're stuggling to describe as "like the Wombles meets Banksy", those with eyes should check out this dude, who's using pavement gum as his canvas. If we could commission him we'd get him to do a series saying things like, "stick it in the bin you dirty bastards." http://bit.ly/ajdT1C >> Worst site ever #22 << Shit design is always good for a cheap laugh and if we were a fuck-off ad agency like Mother, this is exactly what our site would look like. http://bit.ly/bXSrkc >> Science! Why don't McDonald's burgers rot? << You've probably seen that story about McDonalds burgers not rotting because they're "made of chemicals" but this lovely bit of debunking tells a different tale. http://goo.gl/1mJOy ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Real life, 3 inches wide. Like a fat mouse. >> The Power Of Bob Marley Compels You! << Squalling brat instantly soothed by the calming power of sweet reggae music. A banana soaked in Tia Maria also works. http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Power_Of_Bob_Marley_... >> Blackstar Warrior! << The legendary, lost blaxploitation Star Wars film. Lando Calrissian is a bad mother - shut your mouth! http://goo.gl/hX1Hw >> Science saved my soul << Serious and emotionally involving vid, as a chap describes his, well, his religious experience. But his one was for science, so in your face Jesus. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Favourable Lie << Bloke learns not to feel fear on the golf course, in top-notch rum ad. Huzzah. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Favourable_Lie >> Peter Sissons on Anne Robinson << Unguarded clip of Peter Sissons seeing Anne Robinson for the first time in a while. Definitely a hint of Chris Morris in there. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Peter_Sissons_On_An_Robi... ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Funny name follow ups! Jizz special * CHUNKY JIZZ - Sub Rosa writes, "When I started work with the RSPB three years ago I went on a training course about bird watching. Imagine my horror when the trainer calmly read out his second slide entitled 'Great tits have a distinctive, chunky jizz.' I had to pretend to need the loo so I could go and cry." * ARAB JIZZ - John Q. Wagonwheel writes, "I recommend the first chapter of this (otherwise head-meltingly boring) book by former ambassador Mark Allen for lols. His framework for the book is hilariously out of touch. As he explains in his opener, "An ornithologist would say I am interested in the jizz of the Arab". And this is how he carries on. In the space of two pages he follows through with "Arabs have jizz, big jizz", explaining that "there is an aspirational approach to 'Arab-ness', being an Arab, and it lies, I believe, near the heart of the Arab jizz." http://bit.ly/akBPS3 (Google books) ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Impossible Weapons Challenge Last week we wanted you to invent unlikely weapons. Your favourites included: * PACINO - for when the Godfather gets really, really angry (mofaha) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10241279 * MUFFINS - a brilliant array of medieval cake-based armoury (barryheadwound) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10241173 * DARTH - Jedi knights prepare for battle with deadly floral ammunition (Barbarossa) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10240809 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/weapons/ >> New challenge: Modernise the Queen << With the Queen now a presence on Facebook, Flickr and Twitter, she's obviously interested in integrating more fully with modern society. Show us how Her Maj should achieve this and get down wiv da hip kids. Challenge suggested by HappyToast http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/modernqueen/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * GINGER FUHRER BURGLARY - "I've written a poem addressed to the bastards who robbed the flat yesterday. I'm fighting crime with art," snarls your now-very-annoyed flame-haired boss man. http://goo.gl/QEdjq * ISTHATCHERDEAD, 5TH WEEK OF MENTIONS - matthewbowler writes, "Just to keep it in the newsletter for the fifth week, can I point out that when I forwarded the link to my missus she immediately thought it referred to "That Cher" from X Factor." http://www.isthatcherdeadyet.co.uk * DAILY MASH CASH-IN BOOK - "I was wondering if I could scrounge a mention in the B3ta newsletter for our fab new book!" inquires Daily Mash Paul. "It's very funny, though we say so ourselves. And we really should meet up for a beer or a coffee when I'm in London (I'm based Glasgow)." We'll report back if we ever indeed meet Paul for a beer / coffee - or is he just trying to lure us with false promises so we linky his book? http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/095666620... * MUSHROOM RETRACTION - we've had loads of emails about which mushrooms you should or shouldn't eat and, frankly, the best advice is don't get any advice from B3ta on the subject of eating fungus. If you've ever read anything we've said on the subject, ignore it; you might die. Having said that, we liked this comment from 8bitwintermute, who writes, "When eating wild mushrooms: keep some uncooked ones back, so that when you drop to the floor clutching your guts, your next of kin has something to show the doctor in A&E." * IN DEFENCE OF RICHARD HERRING - Clerk T Hazarde writes, "You ought to apologise to us all for including an advertisement for that incorrigible cuntsucker Richard Herring in last week's newsletter. He is a poor man's Stuart Lee, who is a poor man's Ted Chippington, who aspired to be a lorry driver. Need I say more? He skipped in front of me in the queue in a student bar once. And bought *a coffee*. There you go. You have your orders." Pah! - we like him. We recently read his book about being old and behaving like a kid. It's entertaining stuff and is actually better than Stuart Lee's book which, although interesting in parts, is basically a typed-out DVD commentary to his recent stand up shows. Anyway, seeing as we don't like the Herring being dissed, here's a linky to his DVD again, with a quote we give full permission to use for a re-issue, "It's probably not shit; his book was funny." http://amzn.to/cumYZJ ------------------------------------------------- : BIRTHS MARRIAGES DEATHS B3ta: the Internet's email newsletter of record Long-term b3tan and Brummie pixel-fiddler FoldsFive writes, "It might be cheeky (and more than a tad soppy) but would it be possible to thank the lovely Tara (a.k.a. Blue Star) for making me the happiest man in the world by marrying me last Saturday? Might be worthy of note that a lot of the Internet arrived and scrubbed up quite well considering, and that Druid made an excellent best man." Hooray! Hooplar! And here's hoping there will be soon little b3ta babies you can train up so our community doesn't die out. ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME White Jigsaw Not some kind of KKK puzzle only playable by our pale-faced brethren, but an addictive game that gets bigger every time you complete a screen. http://www.gamedesign.jp/flash/whitejigsaw/whiteji... ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * A NEW FORM OF TWITTER - that doesn't have anyone on it who works in law enforcement or at an airport. * FACETHEFEAR.COM - Help people overcome their phobias through aversion therapy. Ask people what their fear is, pop up a window with a slide-show of youTube/image results and time how long they can keep the window open. * HIPSTR-TRACKR.COM - Collect where users of foursquare and other geo-location sites are hanging out right now and generate local maps of areas blissfully free from hipsters. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Friends: [email protected] Backstabbers: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by TomChivers, Cliff Richard's porn stash, coliander, WiL, Octamed, Palladium_NZ, sandcrack, Logovend, davebirss, Smale Top Tippery by A Vagabond Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols suggested by @lukosan, well, they flattared us and suggested we use a variation on something we'd already used on twitter and got 45 retweets. Our ego is that easily pandered to. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Fool friends and relatives into thinking you've just got a cat by saying "I've just got a cat." next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive