we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "PERHAPS APPROPRIATELY, THERE IS NO 'U' IN 'OSBORNE'" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * OWL - Owls are cool * COMIC - Common People * VIDEO - Alan Partridge Returns ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're buying 2 for 1 ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Halloween, Classical, iPhone, and Faces >> Excellent Halloween costume << Rusty Shackleford, we salute you. Next year: Tubgirl. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Halloween_costume_thread >> Fiddling with Tchaikovsky << Punk rock attitude meets classical orchestra. "Composer John Oswald invited his friend Jon Rose to play a completely improvised solo over Tchaikovsky's violin concerto," explains intesvensk. "Jon Rose being the mischievous person he is, performed the solo in his own unique way, creating a whole new experience for everyone." And obviously irritated the fuck out of all the 'proper' musicians. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Fiddling_with_Tchaikovsk... >> iPhone < "Hi dude," growls Joel Veitch. "I've got an iPhone!" Welcome to 2007, Joel. http://b3ta.com/links/Ive_Got_An_iPhone >> Faces in Places << A while back we featured Toast Master's project spotting facial expressions in everyday objects. And now? He's turned it into a book. But, unlike your average booky website venture (i.e. us), he's giving most of the proceeds to charity - Hope For Children, who help the orphaned, poor and exploited. What a top chap! http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/190667290... ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Babysitters We wanted your babysitting stories. What we got was a load of stories about willies. Yay! http://b3ta.com/questions/babysitters/ * "My nan, god rest her beautiful, beautiful soul, suffered terribly with cataracts and was practically blind. This didn't prevent her from babysitting me and my little brother as we were "never any trouble". So, mom and dad went to a show and dropped us off at Grandma Jo's... It started off small; just innocent little things. "Poke your tongue out at her, she can't see you!", I'd whisper. We were eight and six. This was HILARIOUS. "Walk through the room with a cushion on your head!" We're *dying* with quietened laughter. As the elder, I was the one pushing the boundaries. My little brother, the willing victim and daredevil. Which was why, having had their night out cut short by a powercut, my parents return to my nan's tiny council flat to find me with a tea-cosy on my head and drawn-on glasses, collapsed in the corner laughing my tits off at the sight of my little brother, pillowcase on head, dancing a naked 'zulu war dance' less than ten feet from his grandmother. The pillowcase had rendered my brother equally blind, so his jig continued, his tiny boycock bobbling around for all to see, until the pillowcase was unceremoniously yanked from his head and we were sent to bed. My cousin started babysitting us after that." (R. Jimlad) * "My son decided that walking into the room to meet his new babysitter would be best received if he were trouserless, with a significant erection and speaking the words, "Look, I can make it go all stiff!" I'm saving this story for his wedding day." (number5) * "When I was a kid my mum used to go out with her mates on a Sunday night and this meant my dad would watch me and my sister. We used to love it: he'd get us some sweets and let us stay up really late as long as we didn't tell mum we'd stayed up. Or so we thought. Turns out he used to change the clock on the TV so it said 11 instead of 7." (FootOfTim) >> This Week's Question: Old tech << What hugely outdated tech do you still cling to? Does it work better, or are you just deeply, deeply scared of the new? Send us a telegram here: http://b3ta.com/questions/betamax/ ------------------------------------------------- : FASCIST NOSE-HAIR RECLAIMED FOR COMEDY! Sponsored linky so we can feed the kids Richard Herring’s acclaimed 'Hitler Moustache' stand up show is out now on DVD. http://amzn.to/cumYZJ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Template doodles << A single starting drawing followed by lots of variations. Like a b3ta image challenge that's only been entered by one guy. Who is off his flipping rocker. http://www.digitalbusstop.com/do-it-yourself-doodl... >> Shitting Christ have you seen this? << If you're looking for an industrial painter, a voyage is about to begin. @Glinner calls this the best website ever and he's probably right. http://industrialpainter.com/ >> Pulp's Common People as a comic book << Drawn by Jamie Hewlett as a giveaway for a French edition of the single - and utterly wonderful. BTW: Jarvis, if you're reading, can you stand for Mayor of London? Cheers. http://www.pulpwiki.net/Pulp/CommonPeopleComic >> Topical t-shirt about the USA politics << Very true and it made us lol. http://www.unfeatured.com/apyrafz >> Abandoned stuff around the world << Some great photos of things we don't need any more. Beautiful, decay, innit? http://www.artificialowl.net/ >> How to get from Japan to China << Direction 43 is particularly helpful http://goo.gl/Y7zKd ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH Owl vs Invisible prey Owls are fucking cool man. We once met an owl called Spike. He was awesome. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Invisible_prey ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Like TV but with a harder chair >> Master Chef edited << Masterchef with cheap, nasty food. Loved this. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Master_Chef_edited >> Sesame Street's "There's an App for That" << Muppets sing the praises of the amazing iPogo. http://youtu.be/EhkxDIr0y2U >> Alan Partridge Returns << A triumphant return to the airwaves for local radio's master of chat. Production paid for by some beer company, who we're hoping will now spend £££ on bringing back Nathan Barley. Or Juliet Bravo. http://goo.gl/PFBXt >> 'One Song to the Tune of Another' << Huh. We remember linking to this Lilly Allen song on her MySpace page - now they're mocking it on Radio 4. Here's a compilation of our favourite bits from 'I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue'. http://goo.gl/gmrQD >> Simple effect, maximum lols << Try to watch this without smiling - or letting that smile slowly slide into open mouthed horror. http://www.b3ta.com/links/simple_effect_maximum_lo... ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER "I never knew jizz meant this" Birdwatchers great at identifying seagull jizz. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jizz_%28birding%29 ------------------------------------------------- : FOLLOW FRIDAY -> Lauren Harries Our oh-so-imaginatively-titled @twitter section In case you haven't noticed already - child antiques expert turned transsexual Little Britain fan Lauren Harries is on twitter and doesn't shy from speaking her mind. Favourite tweets? * "Keith Allen, you are dead, and don't contact me." * "ex bizarre reporter contacted me to say I should tell the papers about me and russell brand having sex nevr occurred to me" * "Philip schofield has canvassed TV companies to stop me working -thought I was going to show my bits, hasn't got over the shock." http://twitter.com/laurenotw ------------------------------------------------- : APOLOGIES SECTION Because saying sorry is only hard if you lisp >> Please don't sue us Howard Jones << Carcrash writes, "I've been a member/lurker/subscriber long enough to know what B3ta is like and the comment about Howard Jones in the Newsletter makes me feel a bit icky. If it's true then berate and take the piss out of me but if it isn't you should apologise in the next Newsletter. This isn't Nathan Barley, it's real life and any connotation to anyone and the Sex Offender Register can ruin that person's life whether the allegations are true or not." Sorry Howard and Carcrash - it was just a joke that's not meant to be taken seriously - no evil intent - but we take your point and offer humble apologies to Mr Jones. >> Please don't sue us Dadaixtab << Last week we suggested an order for bodily fluids beyond the standard number 1 = poo, 2 = wee stuff. Dadaixtab complains, "The more I think about it the angrier I GET. It's obvious... NUMBER 3 IS PUKE!!! NUMBER 4 is SPUNK!!!" He was so incandescent with rage that he sent us two emails on the subject. Sorry. ------------------------------------------------- : MUSHROOMS Our readers are experts in fungal growth * I SPOT MUSHROOMS - spnorman77 writes, "In the last B3ta newsletter, whatspauldoing asked if someone could put together a mushroom identifier app. I don't know of such an app, but one possibility is the Open University's newish website iSpot. It's completely free to use. You can upload a photo of a mushroom (or any living organism, for that matter) and the OU's panel of experts around the country will try to identify it for you." http://ispot.org.uk/ * PROFESSOR LOLS - hobday writes, "I had this problem too, so I took my finds to our botany department where I met an aged professor on the point of retirement. I showed him my finds and he sorted them according to edibility. Then he turned to me and said, 'You know, Mr. Hobday, you can eat any mushroom... once.'" * HOW TO DO IT - flatfrog writes, "I know a bit about the fungi, and I can tell you why this would be a bad idea: it's hard to tell tasty from deadly via a photo, and I can imagine the resulting legal bills being staggering. I think a better option would be a dichotomous key-based app, which asked a list of questions (eg: does it have a ring around the stem? Does it have gills or sponge? etc), with the option of 'not sure' on all of them. I'd make it, but I'm lazy. "For what it's worth, the best advice I can give (while assuming no liability for any death or personal injury that may result) is: go for the ones growing on the ground (not from wood) with sponge underneath - they belong to the family called Boletus and are almost all edible. None of them are deadly poisonous, but a couple of them can be bitter - a small taste is usually enough to be sure. They mostly grow in woodland, have autumnal-coloured caps and the best ones turn blue when you cut them. Big ones do tend to get maggoty, though. Oh - and don't eat any wild mushrooms along with alcohol." ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the TV Idents Challenge Last week we wanted you to make your own TV channel idents. Your favourites included: * TETRIS - if Channel Four don't use this idea by the end of the year, we'll eat all our hats (monkeon) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10233018 * ANGLIA - Jeremy the Annoying Horse on another clumsy rampage (Fresh Water Mole) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10233955 * BEEB - number two puts the record straight (benito_vasselini) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10234407 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/idents/ >> New challenge: Impossible Weapons << Custard rockets, feather swords, and doomsday devices made of string. Invent them, then post them. Drawings, animations or full-scale replicas built in your garden are all accepted. Challenge suggested by HappyToast. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/weapons/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * MAGGIE THATCHER, NEWSLETTER SNATCHER - @jearle writes, "I don't think http://isthatcherdeadyet.co.uk/ will make it a fourth week in a row for the b3ta newsletter; nothing new has happened." Hmm, this is true, but we did get an email suggesting that we run a Maggie-based image challenge, so people can use them for t-shirts to celebrate her death. Thing is, we reckon she's been dead for years but the Tories just haven't told anyone. * HITLER T-SHIRTS - a long time ago Monkeon did an Hitler icon for our board; in poor taste of course, but that's our site. Then we stuck it in our t-shirt shop in an act of self-sabotage as simply no one in their right mind would actually buy it. This is true; we think it sold maybe 2 shirts. And now? Well of all the unlikely things to be ripped off by the Thailand T-Shirt market. http://www.boingboing.net/2010/11/01/8-bit-hitler-... * CYRIAK ZOMBIE CAT COSTUME - B3tans Sarah Brown and Cyriak's work has been immortalised in clothing. Cyriak writes, "I'm so proud! Love to have seen people's faces when they saw that on their doorstep." http://goo.gl/rB9ZE * MANY, MANY EMAILS ABOUT TUBE EXITS - most of them suggesting getting an iPhone app via http://www.tubeexits.co.uk/ ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * LOL SCATS - Scat porn with captions like "SRY, I HAS EATED UR CHAWKLIT CAEK" * WHAT THE FUCK HAS THE COALITION DONE SO FAR? - a variation on the Obama one, but probably better played for lols with stuff like, "chased the poor out of London on horseback" http://whatthefuckhasobamadonesofar.com/ * CAN YOU TELL WHAT IT IS YET? - upload children's drawings and get people to guess what they represent. We're fucked if we know what our offspring are drawing. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by mrmonkfish, pissflaps, bluehamster, finnbar, sandcrack, HappyToast, spacehog, neave, Muncee, Friz, AttackOfTheRobots, chocolatelemming. Top Tippery by Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via quefelli. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Avoid confusion over whether to use "a" or "an" ...before words like "historic" or acronyms like HTML, by always adding the word "fucking" after the indefinite article. "This is a fucking historic occasion". "I need a fucking HTML expert". ------------------------------------------------- : SHOTDEAD KILL THE MEERKAT Freebee ad because we bumped ShotDead last week This week we take the piss out of meerkats, The Guardian and One Direction. All hail Karl Pilkington. Get involved... http://bit.ly/aYSgm3 next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive