we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "OSBOURNE: LET THEM EAT CAKE" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * CAT - vs printer, translated * CUTS - Sir Ian Bowler sings * GIFS - Emote glossary ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're kicking the ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << ...and we'll sit in cyber-beans for, well beans. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Other than producing excessive earwax >> The cat vs printer - Translated << Tremble, IT support nerds: your days are numbered. "This may have already been done," shrugs Slurpy J. "But I only saw it recently and this is the first thing that came into my mind." http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_cat_vs_the_printer_T... >> Green Zone deleted scene << "I can see why they left this out," claims ratbanjos of this extra scene from the Matt Damon thriller. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Green_Zone_Deleted_Scene >> Sir Ian Bowler on The Cuts << Fragrant Tory spokesman Sir Ian Bowler sings a little song about the Comprehensive Spending Review. via Natt. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Sir_Ian_Bowler_on_The_Cu... >> Dan Bull pirate rap << None of that 'Talk Like a Pirate' bollocks though, as Dan once again vents his spleen on the record industry's big boys for picking on the Pirate Bay. Right on! Edited by the delightful Joe Rigby, and directed by B3ta's very own Russ Houghton. http://bit.ly/a1sGGA >> Up the bum << Jesus. Fucking. Christ. "This brings the 'Touching things is fun' trilogy to a close," brags koit. In future, this will stand up there with Kieslowski's Three Colours trilogy. But the colours will be brown, yellow and a sort of spunky white. http://www.highasakoit.co.uk/upthebum.php >> X Factor compactor << Live everyone's dream of mashing up Simon Cowell's face with Dannii, using this entertaining little online toy. Cheers Q4nobody! http://www.q4nobody.co.uk/xfactor.html ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Things to do before you die Last week we asked what was on you wish list of things to do before you died and, crucially, why. Go read dadadali's humbling piece on dying of a "bizarre auto-immune illness": http://b3ta.com/questions/wishlist/ * "Twelve years ago, a friend and I were leaving school forever. We made up a list of things we had to accomplish now that we walked in the world of men. I still have it; a useful reminder of what, as young teens, we felt were important achievements. Here are a select few: + Foil a baddy in the execution of his duties + Find an amount of money exceeding 100 pounds + Make an enemy cry with a witty rejoinder + Lance a boil + Boil a lance, for the fuck of it + Catch someone who is falling (preferably with one hand, height of fall irrelevant) + Egg on a street fighter + Shrug nonchalantly. Mean it. + Faint + Chair a meeting stood up, pacing, and smoking a cigar + Serenade the wrong window + Have a drink slid to me by a stranger in an apron + Be cursed + Arm-wrestle a lesbian + Rue the day + Visit a celebrity in prison. Demand that they stop writing me letters. + Kick out a farmer + Fool a camel Still working on most of them." (Wet chinned bag-shanker) * "My boy is 20 tomorrow and before I die I would love to see him crying, sobbing, on the sofa in front of me begging for help. Tired beyond belief, unable to speak, eyes rolling round in sockets that have bags the size of suitcases under them. Wondering to himself how he got in this mess. Unsure if his life will ever be the same again. Thinking he has made a terrible, terrible mistake. Then I can scoop up the bundle of screaming, red faced, crying grandchild into my arms and make it all better. Pour all my heart into something my dearest love in the world has produced, and spoil them all to death. I fucking can't wait to be a grandma." (Dr.Caligari's cabinet maker) * "I really want to teach a parrot to say "Help! They've turned me into a parrot!" (Count Vanderhoff) >> This Week's Question: Relationships << How crap is your relationship? What has your partner done that's convinced you the magic's gone? "Breathe" is not an answer: http://b3ta.com/questions/relationships/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> GIF Glossary << Despite the onslaught of new technologies, the animated gif shows no signs of dying. Pretty lucky really as it's what B3ta is mostly known for. That, and celebrating kittens before the internet went all lolcatty. http://jezebel.com/5664134/the-comprehensive-gif-g... >> Secretary Cat << This week B3tans have been mostly masturbating to photos of Justin Beiber dressed as a schoolgirl, dogs with human cocks photoshopped between their legs and this lady dressed as a cat: http://monicamenez.com/mm/mm_01.html >> Google Teleport << Google SteetMaps + random = sort of teleportation machine, and it doesn't even have to kill you and create a replica elsewhere to work. Not until version 2.0 anyway. http://web.mit.edu/~jmcmicha/www/globegenie/ >> Unfunny shit on the web << Don't trust your own opinions? Why not read this guy's huge list of things on the web he finds unfunny. We can't decide if us not being on it means A. We're amazing funny or B. We're not culturally relevant enough to be worth mocking. Probably the latter. http://unfunnythings.tumblr.com/ >> Unnecessary quotation marks << "Funny" http://www.unnecessaryquotes.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Imagine pixels represent real events lol >> "He moved his arms and legs today" << American football player makes unexpectedly strong recovery from spinal injury. http://goo.gl/uzXr >> Tractor Music << Nice bit of fun as a band jams with a tractor. This is what people did in the days before drum machines. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Tractor_Music >> Racist school trip << Bloke reminisces about a field trip... to the cotton fields of the southern US. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Ah_childhood_memories >> Drunk dude attacks officer with a dildo << What would you do if a bloke attacks you with a dildo? You'd probably have to beat him off. etc etc etc. http://goo.gl/s6YN >> How to meet European men << Video series that aims to teach holidaying American women how to pick up European men. Men are sophisticated, so don't just lean on the furniture - dance like a stripper! http://goo.gl/AAKc >> Super Massive Raver vs. Diana Vickers << Super Massive Raver tries desperate measures to rid his brain of X Factor contestant Diana Vickers. Enjoyably twattish. http://goo.gl/4PmT ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Old school phallic logo-lols With an added squirl of jizz. http://www.voiceoverxtra.com/calendar.htm ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Squirrels Challenge Last week we wanted you to relate the importance of squirrels throughout history Your favourites included: * HITLER - der Führer's inspiration for Mein Kampf finally revealed (Smallbrainfield) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10220030 * DYLAN - subterranean homesick squirrel makes a classic video (eclectech) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10219628) * HATS - doink doink doink doink doink doink doink doink doink (WiL) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10222321 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/squirrels/ >> New challenge: Spending Cuts << It's cut, cut, cut. The Coalition are saving money everywhere they can by cutting back on everything they can. Where will it end? Use Photoshop to reveal all. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/cuts/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * SNAILS AT THE SAATCHI - Hampster Squared writes, "B3ta newslettered my painted snails couple of weeks back. Since then, I won a national competition and got to shove my snails in the Saatchi Gallery (I don't think Mr Saatchi himself saw them, as I gather there was a falling out between him and the competition people)! On the judging panel was Vic Reeves, who wandered round and on the third viewing suddenly exclaimed 'Oooh, they're ALIVE!' Yes, they are indeed. Have some pics :D" http://tiny.cc/9n1tc * REDDIT INTERVIEWS CYRIAK - Our second-favourite website (we're addicted to the IAMA section) interviews B3ta's surrealist animator. http://goo.gl/o2f4 * WAS THAT PRISON CONFESSION STUFF BOLLOCKS? - the punters at MeFi think so. http://www.metafilter.com/96657/A-kind-of-forced-a... * 1998 PROJECT UPDATE- Jon Silk writes, "feedback keeps coming in thick and fast, a web design company wants to build me a dedicated 1998 Project site, and Orange have got in touch and are reducing my payment to £15 a month for just calls and texts. Should've thought my demands through a little better really." http://www.1998project.com * ISTHATCHERDEADYET - turns out that this project was co-created by old school B3tan @jearle who also points out some of the hate mail he's received including: "Fuck you all and hope YOU fucking die!" "The #whenthatcherdies hashtag is one of the more despicable uses of Twitter I've seen. Website is awful too:" "Is there a website that tells us if @jearle and @antoniojl are dead? Because that would be hilarious." http://www.isthatcherdeadyet.co.uk/ * MILLIGAN'S GRAVE - Robnob writes, "I went to Spike Milligan's grave last year in St Thomas's Church in Winchelsea but I couldn't find it. An old chap, who I assume just waits every day for twats like me, showed me where it is but it didn't have the words "I told you I was ill" on it. Oh no, it's written in Gaelic." Yep, checking this on Wikipedia, you can even see a photo. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spike_Milligan * JUSTIN BIEBER CORNER - Shedside has written in to inform us that he calls the famous Bieber hair cut a "Bieber-do", which we kinda like as it sounds like something Scatman John might sing. * MILKY TEABAGS - Applecore writes, "If the review is any indication, it must be good." http://www.asianfoodgrocer.com/product/royal-milk-... * MORE MILKY TEABAGS - whereas TBL writes, "Ummm these exist. Our office has a Kenco machine with vile 'white' PG Tips cardboard cups full of this decrepit vileocity. I keep asking for the non-powdered version, but there is clearly some dependant chemical in it, as I cannot get enough of the indigestion-inducing bile." ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME 95 games all disguised as work bobbycutters writes, "I've just started to work my way through them but some of them are real sweet, and all conveniently disguised as Word docs so I suppose you could get away with it at work. The highlights for me so far is No.22 - Paintball - level three is a huge picture of a cock." http://1cup1coffee.com/x/1024/ ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include: * THEBESTPLACETOSTAND - Trev asks, "I wanted to email you about the webpages b3ta would like to see section - I'd love to see a website called thebestplacetostand.com, which tells you the best place to stand at a London Underground station to be guaranteed of getting to your destination quicker - for example, if I'm getting on a train at Chancery Lane and want to get off at Tottenham Court Road to change onto the Northern Line, then where should I stand, at the far side, the near side, or somewhere in the middle? It would save minutes off my average journey time, and if everyone started doing it, then it would help to ease Tube congestion and reduce people stopping to a dead halt on the platform looking like confused cats." * WEIRDEST SEARCH RETURNS - oxbow_lakes asks, "Whilst searching for a still from that election programme in 1979 where David Dimbleby was caught chewing on a Mars bar at 5am, I typed "dimbleby mars bar election" into Google images, expecting the magic search goblins to instantly produce the precise thing I was looking for. "Imagine my surprise when a startlingly random array of happenstance filled the screen, including but not limited to: - Richard Dawkins looking at a Cricket sometime in the 1970s - Client Eastwood as The Man With No Name - John Major blowing his nose - a Green Britney Spears atop a grimacing Hilary Clinton - Wales - The obligatory scantily-clad woman "What four word search term produces the most random array of results, and how would one go about defining a measurement of randomness for a sample of pictures anyway?" * MUSHROOM IDENTIFIER - whatspauldoing writes, "In your seemingly never-ending quest to get geeks to make you iPhone apps, I wondered if you could tout this as an idea. I've just moved into a house with a north-facing garden and I keep finding interesting mushrooms in my lawn. The problem is I have no idea what's what in mushroom land, so... I would like an app where I can take a picture of the specimen and it will come back with a likely match. I need to know what's delicious and what's deadly! Another problem could be that I have an Android phone so I'd need an Android version as well, please. Given that you are the voice of the internets I'm sure you can sort it." Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribphilia: [email protected] Subscribicide: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKING YOUS: This week credits have imaginary autobiography titles in them. Issue was written by Rob 'I, Robert' Manuel with David 'Luck of the Draw' Stevenson. Stuff sent in by spicy_grandma, jdkpummel, TheSnark, Philip_newzealand, Damocles, humanthing, slippery doctore, MrKane, Muncee, Pazuzu, Ian Woosnam. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser 'Letting the cat out of the bag' Lewry. Mike 'The Burning Question' Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via benito vasselini. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP(s): Back in the old days we used to run genuine tips - avoiding gags as it seemed a too obvious rip-off of Viz. But people wouldn't stop sending gags in so we ended up running them anyway. However, this week we're finding time to mention again the @Heroswitzerland project, to collect the oddest tips found in pikey magazines. http://bit.ly/kXmoT next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive