we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "CLAIRE RAYNER; NOW WITH WINGS!" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * TORY - Sir Ian Bowler on Child Benefit * STORY - "Impaled on my own sculpture" * RHYMING - This Is England rap ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're starting ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Other than spit, semen and earwax >> Sir Ian Bowler, MP on Child Benefit << Conservative MP Bowler explains the workings of the government's new Child Benefit system, with the aid of his tiny daughter. "I watch with equal parts pride and guilt," confesses Natt, "Because she burst into inconsolable tears as soon as we'd finished." http://www.b3ta.com/links/Sir_Ian_Bowler_MP_on_Chi... >> This Is England: The Musical << "This took bloody ages to put together," boasts Dan Bull. He's put out a rap synopsis of film This is England. Also handy, if you're watching the televised sequel. "I just found out someone has already done a rap version of the Ken Loach film 'Kes'," continues Dan. "This is like a new variation of rule 34 - if it exists, there's a rap of it." http://www.b3ta.com/links/This_Is_England_The_Musi... >> Tribute to East Grinstead << Musical tributes to mediocre towns are ten a penny, after that Newport one. East Grinstead, home to Scientologists and Mormons, is an easy target but Undulating Tentacles and friends dress up like goons to make this one outstanding. http://goo.gl/NINH >> Wikipedia Vandalism Search << Stumbling on graffitied pages is often entertaining, but it's usually fixed so quickly these days. So... "I've created a way to make finding Wikipedia vandalism that bit easier," explains monkeon. http://www.monkeon.co.uk/wikiseedier/ >> Party like it's 1998 << "I've been living life in 1998 since Orange told me I needed to switch off the 3G on my phone to be able to receive calls or send texts on it," explains Jon. "I read paper books. I now use a Nokia 5110, a Sony PlayStation, a GameBoy Color, and a Sony DiscMan instead of an iPhone, iPad and iPod. You should try it - it's liberating!" http://www.prgeek.net/ ------------------------------------------------- : BONUS SPONSORED LINKY £1 Cinema tickets BragItUp.com (the week's top ten deals) have been given a load of free Vue Cinema Tickets (£1 p+p) to shift. All you do is click below, register, then enter 'Vue' in the Keycode box. Save 90% on a standard adult ticket. Be quick as these will be Gone in 60 Seconds! http://goo.gl/Prmh ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Vandalism Last week we asked for your pointless and petty acts of vandalism. We've picked out three (well four) of the most creative: http://b3ta.com/questions/vandals/ * GNOMES - "One night, back in the days before late licensing, when the streets were generally completely deserted after midnight, a group of us went out for a post drink stroll. We took with us a large ball of blu-tac, a pair of scissors, a pot of cocktail sticks, pens and a big stack of post-it notes. We headed for Roseland Park, an out of the way area where people have nice gardens and try hard to keep them that way. They are also a tasteless bunch who adorn their front lawns with many a garden ornament. In the first garden, we picked up a garden gnome and placed it carefully on the doorstep with a finely crafted mini banner that read "I hate fishing" replacing his wooden fishing rod. In the second garden the gnomes' banners angrily protested the silly hats they had been forced to wear by their human overlords. We went house to house getting a little braver each time: the last house had two huge stone lions on the gate posts. With some effort, we lugged them to outside the front door with a note that read, "Can we come in please? It's cold out here." (PhillieJoe) * FOOOM - "A foam fire extinguisher works by mixing 2 liquids that produce huge amounts of foam at fairly high pressure. Having got hold of a number of packets of the chemical mix from a fireman mate, we put them to good use in the public bar gents bogs of the Great Western Pub, Cardiff. We bunged one up to stop it all flushing away and mixed chem-pack one into the pan, chem-pack two into the cistern and stirred well. Having primed the trap, we sat back and waited for some poor soul to go to the toilets before following in. Target One was just going for a piss and looked a bit taken aback to be followed into the bogs by a load of hairy-arsed drunks, but after a bit more patience, Target Two entered the drop zone. Trying to stifle sniggers we were soon rewarded with a big FLUSH, a slowly building fizzing noise and the strangled screams of our victim thrashing around at the lock. Seconds later, a dishevelled, wild-eyed, foamy mess stumbled out with his trousers round his knees, gibbering slightly before making a hasty, semi-naked exit. The foam had got to almost waist height before he'd managed to open the door." (RadG) * YOU CAN'T SAY N-WORD - "Wasn't me but a friend of mine came home one night to find the wall of her block of flats covered in graffiti. She rang the local council to report it and was told that, unless it was racially or sexually offensive, there was nothing they could do. At 3am she was outside, armed with a spraycan. The next day she rang again to say that someone had painted "XXXX Council are a bunch of queer n*gger cunts" on her wall and could they do something about it?" (warneford) We also love HaroldBishop'sLoveChild for his Chris Eubank obsession: http://b3ta.com/questions/vandals/post900164 >> This Week's Question << What would you like to achieve before you die? Beyond getting out of bed and maybe having a wank, that is. Talk to us here: http://b3ta.com/questions/wishlist/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> "I was impaled by my own sculpture" << "My mum fell onto a sculpture of hers and had 50 inches of metal rod go through her left arm, lengthways," explains Haku. "She managed to cut herself free. My mum is amazing." http://goo.gl/mWth >> Diver faces << Ha! This is what it would look like if men gave birth. We like mocking athletes, as it makes up for always being picked last in PE. http://goo.gl/dGEV >> Gay sex vs straight sex - the stats << Dating site stat analysis that crunches the numbers to examine myths about gay and straight sexuality and promiscuity. Interesting stuff, although you could argue the sample is skewed by the fact that it's gathered from a site for people interested in dating, rather than hook-ups. http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/gay-sex-vs-strai... >> Lesbians who look like Justin Bieber << Does the Justin Bieber haircut have a name? You know, have a long fridge and comb it sideways like that's not going to fall in your eyes at all times. Anyway, this website reckons it's a surprisingly popular look for young ladies averse to the cock. http://lesbianswholooklikejustinbieber.tumblr.com/ >> Is Thatcher Dead Yet? << Can't be too long now! Love the social integration of all this - look for parties in your area etc. http://www.isthatcherdeadyet.co.uk/ >> Why going to prison is dreadful << Written by a 4channer who just did two years. Alarming bits include how he grew a fingernail to cut open his thigh and push codeine tablets into his bloodsteam. Don't go to jail, kids. http://www.teamliquid.net/forum/viewmessage.php ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH 109 cats in jumpers A certain breed of slightly twee cat owner likes nothing better than to dress their pet up in little pullovers - a quick bit of google image research and somebody has built a hit web-page out of it. The internet: turning kittens into AdSense pennies since 2004. http://www.buzzfeed.com/expresident/109-cats-in-sw... ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Joke bones with the marrow funny sucked out >> Banksy directs 'controversial' Simpsons intro << As you almost certainly know already, graffitist and self-publicist extraordinaire Banksy has directed an intro for the Simpsons. Grimly funny, although the genuine revelation for us was how very annoyed Korean people get when you slag off their country. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Banksy_directs_genuine_S... >> Sesame Street: Smell Like A Monster << Sesame street parody of that Old Spice ad, to teach kids how to use the word "on". http://www.b3ta.com/links/Sesame_Street_Smell_Like... >> It doesn't do anything << Doesn't do, doesn't do, do anything. It doesn't do anything. Doesn't do, doesn't do. It doesn't do anything. Miiiaaaaoooooooooowwwww! http://www.b3ta.com/links/It_Doesnt_Do_Anything >> Kitty pleads for better food << Aww. Fluffy little kitty begs, literally begs, for something different to eat. So cute! http://www.b3ta.com/links/Kitty_pleads_for_better_... >> Awesome light show on a 3D surface << Amazing stuff, as plain, white boxes are made to look like the City of freaking Tomorrow. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Awesome_Light_Show_on_a_... >> Sexeh sexeh laydee << The problem with pies is often the outside looks lovely, smooth and golden, but the first mouthful turns out to be a big lump of gnarled gristle. Anyway, here's a video of a girl cleaning her car or something. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Sexeh_sexeh_laydee ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Monster Challenge Last week we wanted you to create B-movie monsters Your favourites included: * BISCUITS - bourbons, jammie dodgers, chocolate digestives, the lot (James Cupboard) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10213362 * CLANGERS - conspiracy theorists, pay attention: Oliver Postgate was behind 9/11 (claptonista) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10212399 * WHOOPS - there's no more dangerous monster than a clumsy monster (Happy Toast) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10213489 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/monsters/ >> New challenge: Squirrels in History << It's a fact: we love the fluffeh manimals here on b3ta. So this week we're challenging you to chart the impact of squirrels throughout history. Challenge suggested by maiden http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/squirrels/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * MORE CRANK EMAILS - Mr Nerdy-Speccy-FuckNuts writes, "So I decided to email Nickelodeon back... If you read the first post, the one that got newslettered, then this will make sense to you. If not I suggest you read the first one before you read this one. Hope you enjoy it!" http://sendthemanemail.blogspot.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Electric Box 2 Anthony Sennett writes, "I did what you said and went on Kongregate. Here's the second instalment of Electric Box." Shiiiiit, that's our afternoon screwed then. Hope they don't do an iPhone version or we'll really be fucked. http://www.kongregate.com/games/TwinkleStarGames/e... ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * MY LAST WORDS - Claire Rayner karked it this week and delivered some of the finest last words ever, "Tell David Cameron that if he screws up my beloved NHS I'll come back and bloody haunt him." We reckon there's no chance on earth that we'll be in a position to think up anything great at the point of death, so what about a site where you could stick something up that only gets released in the event of your death? BTW: Spike Milligan's gravestone also comes to mind, "I told you I was ill." * CLEVER iPHONE IDEA - collapsibletank writes, "I think it would be ace if there was an iPhone document reader which could zoom in to way beyond the screen boundary, so you could slide the phone around on the desk and have the accelerometers push the document around so it appears to be stationary on the desk and viewed through a little phone window. God I've made it sound boring. Fuck it." * TEA BAGS WITH DRIED MILK-POWDER INSIDE THE BAG - obviously disgusting but surely they'd sell to companies who like punishing their employees by denying them fridges. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by the_log_knows, Haku, Smale, purple_gromit, Proboscisface, cheesefan, Onion-Terror, Crap Little Monkey, Dead!, Emily Freud, asciifaceofbob. Top Tippery by Rotating Wobbly Hat. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via Colonel Dave-ula. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Save money on expensive anti-theft markers by wanking on all your consumer electronics. Not only will it show up under ultra-violet lamps but it will contain your own unique DNA as a way of tying you to your gadgets. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive