we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "DOUGH - YOUR COUNTRY KNEADS YOU" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * BELLS - On your clothes * BREASTS - Do men stare at them? * BALLOON - In space. With Rick Astley. ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're describing the ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Circumcision, Rickrolls and explosions >> Gatecrashing a circumcision party << "I thought you might be sitting there wondering how to go about gatecrashing a circumcision party in The Maldives," gambles Muir. "Well, ponder no more!" Looks like a good bash, but you wouldn't want one held in your honour. http://www.moremuir.com >> The FIRST RICKROLL IN SPACE << "We sent a rickroll into space on a homemade weather balloon," claims John. "Rick Astley was blasted out all over the western hemisphere and got we pictures and video footage of the whole thing." http://www.zug.com/live/85980/First-Rickroll-in-Sp... >> Climate Change re-edit << Last week the environmental pressure group 10:10 put out a badly-misjudged video, directed by Blackadder's Richard Curtis, that appeared to suggest people who didn't listen to their message should be killed. It was also horribly long. Our own Cyriak has put together a much better edit. http://www.b3ta.com/links/how_to_solve_the_problem... ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Waste of Money Last week we asked for the stupidest things that you've wasted money on. Go look at MJPerry's crudely-drawn cheque: http://b3ta.com/questions/wasteofmoney/ * "I got set up on a blind date by a friend with one of his work colleagues. He assured me that she was about 5'3", cute, long brunette hair and great company. Had a very brief phone conversation with her beforehand and she tells me she'll be wearing a red coat. I arrive and I'm relieved to see her walking in the opposite direction towards the restaurant. I run up and say hi, give her a hug; she looks more nervous than I do. Excellent. Ask if she's hungry and ready to grab something to eat, she replies, 'Ummm... sure' - a lot more nervous, brilliant! Small talk for a bit, ask her what she does etc. If she does this sort of thing often, tell her she sounds a bit different on the phone; she has no clue what I'm on about. About 10 mins in, my phone buzzes, I'd usually not answer it on a date, but it's the blind date calling... she's sorry, but she's going to be about an hour late because she got held up at work. So who the hell am I on a date with? Just some random that I met on the street. I had to rush through the meal with her in record time before the actual blind date arrived. I then had to spin some bullshit to take her somewhere else because I'd already used up my reservation and the waiting staff would think I was nuts. So I paid for two meals that day, struggling through the second one while trying to act all normal. I got the first girl's number at the end but never heard from her again. Not only that, but the second one told my friend that I was acting weird. Top work Catherine in the red coat, wherever you may be, you played a blinder that night!" (Regger) * "My brothers-in-law Andrew and John worked together. Andrew decided he needed a van to run around in, chuck stuff in and not care too much about. He rang around and found a Bedford van that had just been brought in to the scrap yard. A bit bent and rusty, but still road legal with 8 months MOT and 4 months tax - yours for £80. Bargain. Oh, it doesn't start because the fanbelt snapped... John and Andrew set off in the works Transit to said scrapyard which is deep in the Sussex countryside. £80 changes grubby hands and the Bedford is tied to to the rear of the Transit for the long tow home through the lanes. All is going well, until a long sweeping bend: Andrew realises his rookie mistake of not putting the keys in the ignition as the steering lock suddenly clicks on; furthermore the brakes won't respond as the engine isn't running. John was looking bemused out of the side window when Andrew came sailing past, snapping the tow rope and crashing spectacularly into a very solid, ancient stone wall surrounding a church. The dust & rust cloud settles. The impact was so bad that the van is now a write-off, and Andrew has to open the rear doors to retrieve his bobble hat. A call is made to the same scrapyard who come and pick up the van and give Andrew £30 scrap value, pissing themselves. Net result, £50 to rent a van for half an hour, a ride of terror and looking like a complete bell-end." (fizzybunghole) * "In hindsight, buying a twelve-pack of Durex at the age of 14 seems a little presumptuous and not particularly good value. If I recall they were mostly very pricey water bombs." (number5) >> This Week's Question: vandals << Tell us tales of vandalism and destruction, of getting caught or getting away with it: http://b3ta.com/questions/vandals/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Office pranks - hanging bells off people's clothes << Good tumblr name for it, too. Hopefully this will take off and expand to other types of office prank, our favourite being advertising your boss's job in the industry press. http://bellends.tumblr.com/ >> Huge online community map << Took us ages to find B3ta, but we're very pleased we're there. To find us - we're left of YouTube and next to Deviantart. http://xkcd.com/802_large/ >> One Website. One Picture. Anyone can change it. << Vaguely amusing idea which kept us interested for... Oh, at least 20 seconds. Doh. NSFW in case 99% of users do what 99% of internet users do. Yep, upload cocks. Reminds us of Metababy from back in the day. http://www.lastpicstanding.com/ >> Lol Jesus << Sometimes our lord and saviour Christ is a complete cunt. http://strangebeaver.com/2010/05/meme-of-the-week-... >> Stuxnet: Cyber-war << Spent a good part of this week reading about the Stuxnet virus, apparently designed to attack Iran's nuclear program. The really scary part is that script kiddies now have a blueprint for making viruses that attack all sorts of technology. If you're someone who's likely to write a techno-thriller then read this FAQ and get pitching: http://www.f-secure.com/weblog/archives/00002040.h... >> Incredibly depressing lottery simulator << Simulate playing a megamillions lottery to see how much you lose. We played it through a handful of times and scored back about 10% of our 'investment'. As Lemmy says, gambling is for fools. http://www.cockeyed.com/citizen/poker/megamillions... ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO A tiny cinema without popcorn or chavs * NORTON PROJECT - A story about how two brothers stole their father's 1969 Norton Commando motorbike, had it restored and then gave it back to him for Christmas. If you have a spare 15 minutes, it's a great video. And absolutely nothing about cleaning their Dad's PC from viruses. http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Norton_Project * BREAST-STARING CONTEST - Cure idea for a hidden camera stunt - which men are going to leer at the women in the short dress? Spoiler - all of them. Actually this reminds us of something we saw yesterday, a young woman wearing black tights and and short, cut-off jeans jiggling her way down the high street. We don't know what was more enjoyable, watching her arse or watching men turn round to clock her again. http://goo.gl/oYWn * RIP NORMAM WISDOM - in a small tribute to fallen comedy idols, let's remember Norman via his wonderful cameo in an old Lee & Herring clip. http://goo.gl/ndn0 * JEREMY PAXMAN INTERVIEWS RUSSELL BRAND - Fascinating interview, Brand is both intelligent and maniacally intense. Slightly worried that he's now professing to believe in God, wonder if he's heading for a massive breakdown? http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/programmes/newsnight/90... ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Ed Miliband Challenge Last week you welcomed Ed Miliband to serious politics. Your favourites included: * KILLERS - Ed & Dave reinvented (rather beautifully, it must be said) as Ian and Myra (Fresh Water Mole) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10204831 * ADAMS - ditto, but as Douglas Adams' two-headed, three armed inventor of the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster, Zaphod Beeblebrox (The Hedgehog From Hell) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10202300 * SPORTSWEAR - say it fast: it's the Red Ed Miliband millipede headband (Happy Toast) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10203418 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/miliband/ >> New challenge: B Movie Monsters << Make a B movie monster: mash it, 'shop it, photograph it, animate it, cut out of paper and scan it, or make a B movie monster costume and wear it. Then enter it in the challenge. Raarrgh! Challenge suggested by maiden. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/monsters/ ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Flabby Physics Nicky Hewgill writes, "this should be a phone app - top one-button game." http://krakez.com/game.php BTW: Mr_Chopper has also written in to complain about our comment last week that we weren't playing many flash games these days as our casual gaming stuff had been taken over by the iPhone. He's very, very angry about this: "Well this is all very well and good, however for the 6 of us who don't yet own Apple's A-MAZE-ING "Lifestyle Choices are for Specky Cocks Anyway" Fucking Machine why not take things one step further? "Why not just randomly click around on YouTube, Vimeo or Dailymotion until you find something funny? No doubt every man and his cunt has already seen it, as it's already been Tweeted half way to Shitzbekistan and back, complete with fifteen thousand mash-ups and meta-combinations of memes that don't even exist yet. When you're done, have a go at converting it to Cocoa Shunters iOS and make sure we get hit up with 25% royalty fees - it's our idea, after all." ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT Our bits and bobs follow-ups section * CONCISE RECORD REVIEWS - Jamie Willcocks writes, "After seeing last week's 'judge a book by its cover' link, it reminded me to pimp my website, which takes a similarly lazy approach to music. My speciality is reviewing the latest singles in exactly four words each - no more, no less." http://poppsychology.co.uk * BLOKEY MAKES POP VIDEO - martin_keeler: "Hello you. I have a bit of a 'what happened next' thing. A couple of years ago you kindly included in your newsletter a video I made for The Divine Comedy of my mate dancing in his pants. Well, we got a bit of attention after that but, frankly, nothing that could persuade me to get off my arse and do something about it - until I was asked to make a video for a fab American duo called "hyperbubble" - So we decided to make a very cheesy vid to their song "chop shop cop" (and I even managed to crowbar more of my mate in his pants again). It cost all of £70 (and that was mainly on wigs) - and now I appear to be being talked about in America to the point where we had to do a very wooden video intro. It's proving to be much fun! Thanking you for the help in getting to do this." http://blogs.sacurrent.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * A BUTTON THAT FINDS PEOPLE NOT ON FACEBOOK - despite everyone being on it there's still loads of people from our past we can't find. We reckon they've either got very fat or are hiding from the tax man. * A MAGIC NEW iPHONE / iPAD HYBRID - which was the size of an iPhone when in your pocket, but magicked up to iPad size for sofa web bollocks. * A VIRUS THAT HUNTS FOR TAX RECORDS - and breaks the entire inland revenue system. Come one hackers - how cool would that be for bragging rights? * FACEBOOK RELATIVES - Dan Bull writes, "Facebook should have a function where you can upload your family tree and find your relatives, I'm sure we'd find out everyone is related." Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by waz4444, BOO! Star, sPUNKer, sinisterduck, Qazxswe, redazril, nospoon, Smale. Top Tippery by sandettie light vessel automatic. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols Bela Lugosi's Dad. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Jews! Fancy a kosher alternative to pork scratchings? Simply stick some unwanted foreskins into a Breville sandwich maker. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive