we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "KIM UNVEILS SUCCESSOR TO STUNNED MEL" next issue » « previous issue "Kim unveils successor to stunned Mel" This Week: * PAPER PLANES - dropped from the edge of space * BOOKS - Judged by their covers * CHALLENGE - Mr Ed, the talking politician ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're all Murdoch ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << We will be your ad bitches for pennies. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Human League, Books & Paper planes in Space >> Judging books by their covers << "Today I have been judging books by their covers", writes Faceburger, "Ronseal!" Yep, and a great little gag format here. http://tinyurl.com/bookywook >> 20,000 Human Leagues Under the Sea << The crew of the Nautilus find it hard to tolerate Captain Nemo's angsty obsession with 80s pop. Well done, stumpymoose. http://www.b3ta.com/links/20_000_Human_Leagues_Und... >> Launching paper planes from the edge of space << Joel Veitch is working with a very clever chappy and together they are plannning to drop paper planes from the very edge of space and see how far they go. Potentially they could go 100s of miles - unless Joel runs out of bog roll and uses the planes as arse-wipe. http://www.projectspaceplanes.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK What was I thinking? Last week we wanted inexplicable decisions you've made that haunt you to this day. And the winner is... a story about poo. We love you, QOTW people: http://b3ta.com/questions/decisions/ * SPLAT - "I remember one time years ago, I was about 10 or 11 years old and a couple of my mates and I were on our way home from the park. We were all in a jovial mood and life was good. I was, however, bursting for a shite. I spotted a massive oblong cardboard box and had my 'brainwave'. "Watch this!" I said to my mates. The plan was to pull the box over my head, crouch inside it, take down my breeks and skegs, curl out a steaming turd, do myself up again and then move away whilst still inside the box. In my head I imagined that this would be the most spectacular thing: a shitting box! Well, it didn't quite work out that way. After lowering the box over myself, I dropped my jeans and Ys, squatted and let go. It was utter fucking carnage. My poor wee arse exploded and slurries of stagnant shite splattered the inside and outside of my pants and jeans. It was all over the backs of my legs, my socks and my trainers. And the smell! Sweet Jebus, that fucking smell. And I hadn't even thought about what I was going to wipe my arse with! Throwing the box off in a panic, I stood there speechless, my denims half up/down covered in my own waste. My mates stared back in shock and terror, swiftly followed by laughter and glee. Bastards. I told my mum that I had fallen in dog shit. Thankfully she didn't pursue how it had ended up on the inside... (Helmut McBucket) * SPLOOSH - "I'll just say this... Don't ever, EVER, put milk through a Sodastream." (bassmeister) * SPLASH - "I volunteered to take part in a Bukkake session at London Zoo. I don't know what came over me." (The Oscillating Gibbon) >> This Week's Question: Money << What have you recently splurged your hard-earned dosh on, only to find out that you'd have been better off burning it on a small Scottish island for warmth? Talk to us here: http://b3ta.com/questions/wasteofmoney/ ------------------------------------------------- : BONUS SPONSORED IPHONE LINK Fantastic new iPhone game! Sand Slides is the great new game from Logik State. It's like the Falling Sand Game on steroids, and is nothing short of brilliant. http://bit.ly/bemeaa ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Tilt shift Van Gogh << Tilt shift photography was everywhere a year ago. Now some clever people have applied the same effect to Van Gogh's paintings, making them look like pop-up versions. Someone should do the same for Jackson Pollock. http://www.artcyclopedia.com/hot/tilt-shift-van-go... >> The most NSFW SFW pic ever << Do not look at this pic in the office, despite the fact that once you really look at it and grasp what it is, you've never seen anything more innocent. http://i.imgur.com/P7Qw7.jpg >> Misspelled food << We thought this sounded a bit shit and rather like the sort of item they used to do on That's Life in the 80s. But somehow, it's really rather spiffing. http://www.urlesque.com/2010/09/10/foods-misspelle... ------------------------------------------------- : RETRO GAMING OLD FARTS CORNER Because it's cool to play Dance Dance Revolution like your dad >> 8 bit wood culture << Apple's iPhone 4 pixels are now literally too small to see, but at the same time the nostalgia for chunkier days grows and grows: http://www.8bitwood.com/ >> Webpage Asteroids << Install this bookmarklet (a little browser button that does funky shit to your web pages) and you'll be able to shoot any item on a website in a 1970s video game stylee. http://erkie.github.com/ >> Console funeral << Old consoles pay their respects to an Xbox 360 who died too soon. Like Dad and his old lag mates from the pub at his son's funeral. http://goo.gl/MVFz ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Like if books had moving pictures * AC/DC Vs GHOSTBUSTERS - When AC/DC were huge in the early 80s, the official B3ta dad was very alarmed that so many people were walking around wearing t-shirts advertising their bisexuality. (Hello dad!) Anyway, one of those mash-up things that's better than most. http://www.b3ta.com/links/AC_DC_vs_Ghostbusters * ACTION VID - Freddie Wong is best known for his work as a professional Guitar Hero/Rock Band player. Quite what has happened to the world that you can be a professional computer games player we don't know, but Freddie is also a pretty awesome amateur film maker. BTW, the ever-so-slightly good looking women in the video? Shenae Grimes, whose main job is to starve herself skinny for TV shows like 90210. http://www.b3ta.com/links/new_freddie_vid * SURPRISED VADER - the tickling kitten meme continues and it's always delightful. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Suprised_Vader * DRUNK HISTORY - genius idea for a clip: get a historian bloke pissed and then get him to explain his pet subject. We could watch hours of this. That's you, that is! http://www.b3ta.com/links/Drunk_History:3 * CAT VS SPIDER - With kung fu sound effect. SPOILERS: The spider doesn't make it. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Cats_Vs_Spider * JAMAICAN DR WHO - you simply haven't watched Dr Who until you've seen Cybermen dubbed into Jamaican. We'd like to see this done with Thomas the Tank Engine, Peppa Pig or the Tory Party Conference. http://youtu.be/s41r9ZUE3uw ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Running this shit makes us die inside * BEST KIDDY T-SHIRT EVER - "It's fine for New York, but maybe Des Plaines shouldn't have followed suit", writes Jair. And whilst 99% of our readers will get this allusion, for the 1% that don't: look up 'dp' on UrbanDictionary. http://www.iheartdp.com/ * FUNNY URL CORNER - Restoration Dept writes, "This had to happen. The city of Perm (Russia, you know, that far right corner of the map) has just acquired a shiny new News site." http://newsperm.ru/ * DICK TRICKLE - no laughing at the back. OK, you weren't. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dick_Trickle ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Parallel Universes Last week we wanted you to imagine everything in reverse Your favourites included: * COWELL - the tables are turned as Mr Nasty takes his turn in the spotlight (benito vasselini) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10197156 * BEATLES - rock's most iconic album cover gets the 180 degree treatment (pzyko) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10197227 * 9/11 - attack of the killer skyscrapers (I'm too sexy for my Fiend) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10196359 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/parallel/ >> New challenge: Ed Miliband << Britain has a new leader of the opposition: Ed Miliband. Introduce him to the world of serious politics with a big b3tan welcome, and get all photoshoppy on his appearance. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/miliband/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * MORE CRANK LETTERS FROM B3TANS - Mr Nerdy-Speccy-FuckNuts writes, "I wrote to Nickelodeon to discuss the shape of Spongebob squarepants' pants. As they are not square!" http://sendthemanemail.blogspot.com/ * COPYWRONG FILM FEATURING CASSETTEBOY - Cassetteboy writes, "I feature very briefly in a new short film called 'Remediation' by Miles Joseph. It's about attitudes to copyright. If you've got 4 minutes and 17 seconds to spare, you can see the film on Miles' website." http://www.milesjoseph.com * READERS COMPLAINTS, rhinoceros moans, "The headline about Moyles is lame and anomalously mainstream. I hope next week's will be better." Hmm, did we do better this week? The alternatives included: http://www.b3ta.com/board/10205762 * OUR READERS ARE FUCKING INSANE - nabarry confesses, "i made my ex cum spagetti and enjoyed wathing her enjoy it." (sic) * ARSEY URL SHORTENER - as well as buggering about with paper plane space stuff this week, Cr3 and Veitch have also made a rather rude URL shortener. http://upthear.se/ ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME We're sorry for being shit Every so often people moan that there's no Friday games anymore. Well, to be honest we're not playing many web games at the moment, instead it's just iPhone crap. Currently we're so massively addicted to iPhone Scrabble that when we just corrected a typo we heard an inner voice say: "No. Leave it, it's worth more points". So yeah - play iPhone Scrabble - or if you want a multi-player version on a massive board try "Words with Friends." Or if you really, really want some flash gaming, visit Kongregate and click on whatever shit they're doing these days. ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * A BIG GOOGLE MAP THING FOR CELEBS - so you can type in your postcode and find out which celebs live in your area. (We were very excited this week to learn that Labour leader Ed Miliband shares our NW5 postcode, although he lives in the posh end, rather than our shabby bit with the crackheads.) * AN INFINITE PORN MACHINE - available in homes, offices, or even your phone that you could like type shit into and get porn. Can you imagine? Oh. * LIGHT BULBS THAT NEVER POP DESPITE HAVING DODGY WIRING - we often end up sitting in the dark at B3ta HQ for this very reason. Attach your contributions as a word document and shit through our gaping cyber-letterbox: http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Jews for Gingers: [email protected] Scientologists: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS B3TAN - THA3ANS This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson using the awesome combined technology of a TextWrangler, Mediawiki and Google Docs. BTW: in older issues we used to say "edited" but stopped with that pompous rubbish when someone we once went to school with thought that it meant we didn't actually write the damn thing. Stuff sent in by larry7may, chocolatelemming, Bad Monkey, King Ralph, croc_mad, Gingey, joemuggs, Smale, Alphabet Soap, antonvowl and x.twinx.x. Subjlols via benito vasselini. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Muteboy wrote in to complain, "Shave in the shower? Save time and soap? What about the gigantic waste of water? Piss in the shower, that's more like it." next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive