we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "IF YOU'RE NERVOUS ABOUT YOUR FIRST PORN SHOOT JUST IMAGINE EVERYONE NAKED" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * PRODUCTS - AN "AIDS" BABY BIB * CATS - IN THEIR OWN MINI VILLAGE * SHAUN RYDER - ON HOLIDAY ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We remember safe for ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Other than claiming the social >> Garden Party << "Here's our latest effort," greets Ornsack. "It's a little cutesy, but it's ok." Jesus Christ. Fear! http://www.b3ta.com/links/Garden_Party >> Sneaky Cat << This sneaky cat clip has been all over teh interwebs. Monty Propps gives his own take on why so furtive. http://snurl.com/sneakycatlady >> Draw Your Dinner << "This is my own website/project, which I love dearly," warbles Dave T. "As the name suggests, this is a site which welcomes, nay, encourages you to submit a drawing of your favourite meal." http://www.drawyourdinner.com ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Complaints Last week we asked for your letters of complaint, sent or received: http://b3ta.com/questions/complaintsdesk/ * "Many years ago, my Aunt had a friend who was a serial complainer/consumer terrorist. She'd fire off letters of complaint to all manner of unsuspecting companies regarding their shoddy wares or, in this case, food. The usual response was a fistful of money off vouchers or a cheque from the unsuspecting company to calm the rabid bitch's fevered brow. One day, Kelloggs appeared on her radar because they'd committed the heinous crime of palming off a large box of cornflakes on the unsuspecting masses with a burnt cornflake in it. The sternly worded letter of complaint was duly wriiten and despatched post haste to those fine people at Kelloggs. She really went to town on them over how outrageous it was that such a fine upstanding company should be peddling this sub-standard filth on the general public and what were they going to do about it? Their response? A "With Compliments" slip with a single replacement cornflake taped to the top right hand corner..." (frightfullybored) * "A couple of years ago I was have a cup of tea around my mate's parents' house. I commented on how swanky their new telly looked. The old man started telling a story of how his sister bought a TV and when it was delivered there was no plug on the power lead. As he recounted the tale he was getting angrier and angrier; it ended with him out of the arm chair tensed in a fighting posture, red faced and shouting, "SO I FUCKING TOLD HIM TO PUT A FUCKING PLUG ON THAT FUCKING LEAD OR THIS TELLY AND EVERY OTHER FUCKING TELLY IN THE SHOP WAS GOING THROUGH THE FUCKING WINDOW!" He collapsed back into the chair, spent from the exertions of the re-lived rage. "When was this?" asked his son. "1952," he replied." (Ring Of Fire) * "Dear Avery, your sheets of printer labels are all marked "Guaranteed Jam Free", but you provide absolutely no details whatsoever on how to redeem this offer." (Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE) >> This Week's Question << We'd like you to tell us about your best and easiest jobs. Talk to us here: http://b3ta.com/questions/easyjob/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> David Mitchell with Pizza << The TV funnyman's strange relationship with Neapolitan peasant food explored in a series of drawings. http://davidmitchellwithpizza.tumblr.com/ >> Hipster Dinosaurs << Giant lizards were into cool things a long, long time before you were. http://www.forkparty.com/hipster-dinosaurs/ >> Cat village << This philanthropist has built a selection of miniature houses for lonely cats. He's indulging cats' fantasies of growing seven feet tall and devouring all humans. http://snurl.com/catvillage >> The real stuff white people like << More clever stat analysis from dating site Ok Cupid. People's online profiles analysed to show the most popular hobbies and interests broken down by ethnic group. The question is - why so much Tom Clancy love? http://snurl.com/realstuffwhitepeoplelike >> Sexing your guineapig << Pages and pages of positively gynaecological guineapig porn. http://snurl.com/guineaporn >> Youtube time machine << Give it a year and it'll give you videos from that year, covering 1860 to 2010. That's your afternoon fucked. http://yttm.tv/v/1973 ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Your VHS with a "twitter this" button >> Tippex viral thing << Type whatever words you want, to change the content of the youtube clip. Hmm. That actually just sounds like how the youtube search function works. But this has a bear! BTW try "A hunter is a bear". http://www.youtube.com/profile >> Rocket jump in RL << Using movie special effects to recreate the messed-up physics of 8-bit gaming. http://www.b3ta.com/links/rocket_jump_in_RL >> Animated gif symphony << Rap video made from animated gifs, including many from b3ta's own hallowed messageboards. We're unsure of the commercial potential vs the usual approach of rap video made from sexy ladies. http://b3ta.com/links/How_many_b3ta_contributions_... >> Barcelona with Shaun Ryder (Happy Mondays) << Classic WTFery pairs opera singer with shambolic Happy Mondays frontman. Still kind of hard to believe this really happened. It's great though. http://b3ta.com/links/Barcelona_with_Shaun_Ryder_H... >> Predator's teenage son << Awkward father-son intergenerational conflict for movie monster. Also, if everybody on Predator planet is a hunter, who makes their shoes? http://b3ta.com/links/Predator_has_problems_with_h... ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Funny like cancer is funny * THE HEADLINE THAT WRITES ITSELF - Hairy writes, "I know funny name corner is probably the bane of your life, but oh wow: 'Butts Arrested in Boob Murder Case'" http://wearecentralpa.com/wtaj-news-fulltext/ * OUR NEW FAVOURITE RADIO STATION - rqmusicfan writes, "Found this link, hopefully it hasn't been sent before - thought it was suitably childish. The sound of your genitalia... this is... PENIS TONE FM" http://www.penistonefm.co.uk/ * BASTARD! - mysticegg writes, "Have a look at this and tell me the company logo doesn't look like 'Bastard' Internet Security." BTW: If Lord Sugar's mum had named him Barry Alan Sugar then his company would have been the quite wonderful BASTRAD PLC. Just saying. http://www.astaro.com/ * THE COCKFIGHTER - Genius tagline for unmarketable film. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0071338/ ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Limericks Challenge Last week we wanted you to makes up rhymes and poems, then illustrate the little buggers. Your favourites included: * NAG - Jeremy the Annoying Horse is annoying again (Fresh Water Mole) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10173506 * PITHY - it started well, but a lack of rhymes curtailed this fine effort (Jimbotfu) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10173640 * BASE - classic web meme re-imagined as poetry (barryheadwound) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10175214 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/limericks/ >> New challenge: re-marketing classic albums << This week, b3ta is going to rescue the music industry: what we want you to do is take classic albums and re-design the artwork for an entirely different market. Sell punk albums to classical fans and thrash metal to lovers of happy house, and so on. Hey, presto, new business model. Challenge suggested by Bela Legosi's Dad http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/marketingalbums/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * CHEAPO SPOTIFY RIVALS - loads of you wrote in to recommend Grooveshark, including Ade Sanderson: "It's free ($3 per month for the VIP access thingy (which includes scrobbling and a desktop client and other bits)), brilliant, and the only downside is the lack of organisation. People are able to upload their own music, so searching is a bit iffy because the rest of the internets have uploaded a whole load of crap with shitty ID3 tags. Still, it's the best you'll get for the price and makes my life great at work (where we're not allowed Spotify because of the upload bandwidth used). Rah." http://listen.grooveshark.com/ * BBC TAKES B3TAN'S PISSTAKE SERIOUSLY - B3tan FrizFrizzle made a cartoon taking the piss out of super-hard quiz Only Connect's use of Greek letters instead of question numbers. Presenter Victoria Coren saw it, and this week the new series aired with Egyptian Hieroglyphics instead: http://snurl.com/b3tanslovecoren ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * DAILY MAIL FILTER - that leaves the pictures of hot ladies and celebrity tittle-tattle but dumps the bigotry. * MORE SPOTIFY REQUESTS - Krang asks, "I wish someone would invent something that takes your Spotify playlists, scours the internet for the tracks, and then assembles them in one easy-to-download zip file. I'm sure someone at b3ta could make it out of ham and Lego." * AN APPLE MAGIC MOUSE THAT RECHARGES BY USB - gah, fucking hell, right, we're pausing the newsletter and going to buy some rechargables via Amazon right now. Click. Done. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel (who is daydreaming about writing a guide to male sexual health: The Knob Manual by Rob Manuel) with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by sauronwibble, Sn0tters, Peter Davison, Cliff Richard's porn stash, Darklord, Lightguy, chocolatelemming. Top Tippery by Smale. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Need a new barbecue glove? Go to your local DIY store and buy a welding glove instead. Just as good, if not better, and for about a quarter of the price. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive