we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "WE'RE NOT READING BLAIR'S AUTOBIOGRAPHY...TOGETHER" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * DIRTY - Cassetteboy vs. Dragons' Den * DANGEROUS - Sheep vs. deck chair * PLASTIC - Homeless people vs. credit cards ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Issue 444. Two thirds ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Dragons, Deck chairs and CDCs >> Cassetteboy vs Dragons' Den << "I'll tell you where I am," moans cut-up supremo Cassetteboy. "I'm indoors, watching Dragon's Den, all bloody summer." This is the sequel to last year's smash hit, The Bloody Apprentice. "People always ask this sort of thing, so you might like to know that it took about three weeks to make, working on it day and night." http://www.b3ta.com/links/Cassetteboy_vs_Dragons_D... >> Deck Chair << "Ignore instruction manuals at your peril," warns Sheep! "Does anyone else love the word peril?" he continues, giggling recklessly. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Deck_Chair >> Crap Graffiti << "Here's my newest project," boasts son of crazymum. "It shall become the internet's foremost collection of crudely-drawn cocks and toilet wall art!" http://www.crapgraffiti.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK The B3ta Confessional In honour of the impending papal whatsits, we asked people to confess past wrongdoings so that fellow board members could absolve their sins: http://b3ta.com/questions/confess/ * "I lived in a little terraced house, in an area popular with young families. When the baby Ott3r arrived, amidst a storm of primary coloured plastic and weird things that I still haven't worked out the use of, we bought a baby monitor. It turns out that there are only so many frequencies: after rushing upstairs to calm the cries of mysteriously sleeping baby on a couple of occasions, we figured out that someone was using OUR frequency. Well, something had to be done. So, in the wee small hours of the morning... I picked up the 'transmit' bit of the baby monitor, and started speaking into it... And so it was that a house a few doors up the street suddenly lit up as (I imagine) the concerned parents rushed to baby's room to find the source of a creepy baby voice that was repeating "Satan is my Maaaaaster, Satan is my Maaaaaster." (Ott3r) * "Gary the Electrician, do you remember when we were 19 and were helping with my uncle's loft conversion? Do you remember me and Spud going into the loft to feed down a cable that you'd installed? We couldn't find the hole you'd made so we asked you to stick your finger up through it. Do you remember Spud saying, "Hold on Gary, we still can't see it"? When you put your finger back up through the hole, you recoiled slightly because you didn't like the feel of what was on the other side. That's because Spud had dropped his trousers and pants and squatted over the hole, sphincter hovering ever so close to it. You touched his ring that day and you never knew. It's the hardest I've ever tried to stop myself howling with laughter. Sorry, Gary." (Monkey the Chicken) * "On holiday in Ireland with some friends. At one of the pubs we stopped at for lunch, I went to the lavatory only to notice that someone had written "PIRA" on the back of the door. Now, I'm usually a thoroughly law-abiding chap who wouldn't vandalise anything, but given this mark of support for a terrorist organisation, just this once I couldn't resist. Assuming it's still there, the door now reads "ARR, PIRATES!" (Mushroom) Now go read the wonderful comments to this particularly blatant piece of boasting. Peter Davison's cartoons are aces: http://b3ta.com/questions/confess/post841467 >> This Week's Question << Have you ever complained? Did it involve spraying their offices with manure, or was a particularly snippy tone all you could muster?: http://b3ta.com/questions/complaintsdesk/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> OCD blog << Are you the kind of person who likes things to be just so? Have you arranged your CD collection (remember them?) into asciibetic order? Then you'll enjoy this collection of very nicely-placed stuff. Or maybe there's just one item that's ever so slightly at the wrong angle and you'll start pulling your hair out until your scalp bleeds and the physical pain blots out the screaming inside. http://thingsorganizedneatly.tumblr.com/ >> Earworm Replacement Therapy << There are competing theories for getting tunes out of your head - personally we subscribe to the idea of listening to the tune to the resolution: "ahh, done!" Or, conversely, you can listen to another, equally catchy, tune. BTW: The tune currently spinning in our ears whilst we sleep? That M.I.A one that goes "All I wanna do is BANG BANG BANG BANG and take your money." We also find ourselves making pointy finger guns and doing pow-pow noises. http://unhearit.com/ >> Giving credit cards to tramps << Wonderful social experiment - give some homeless people a credit card and see where they spend the cash. We were fascinated by how much of the money ended up at McDonalds. Possibly not the brand message they want to be pushing out - when you're homeless, a greasy burger is a bit of a treat. http://snurl.com/tramplastic >> 100 year-old colour photos << Because of the limitations of black and white photography it's sometimes hard to see the past as a living, breathing world much like our own - these photographs of Russians make it all so much more human. http://snurl.com/ussrgb >> Eco-Urinal << Smart idea here - use the water from washing your hands to flush the urinal. Worried about the potential for major splashback though; it's always great walking back to your table with wet patches on your trousers. (We normally apologise and say we've come on and run out of Manpons.) http://snurl.com/pissonyourhands >> 50-cent is on Twitter... << ...and he writes like a 14 year old retard. Quotes include: * "If you a stripper and you have a low self esteem Its probably because your fat and ugly. I suggest you kill yourself" * "My aunt sylvia didnt like me growin up cause she was the baby till I came. we had roaches so she put roach spray in a bowl and kill my dog" * "Check out my new background. This is for ladies only I don't want you cock sucking niggas looking at this lol " http://twitter.com/50CENT ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Films! On a computer! Wow! >> Smoke your little smoke << Yes! What the world has been waiting for, Ben Folds, Nick Hornby, & Pomplamoose together at last on one song. Er... Surprisingly entertaining actually, although we're not actually convinced intoxicants are the best way of puzzling out complicated thoughts. It's great when you're straight, yeah! http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Stutter Bubble! << Hadn't seen this Paul Kaye clip before but it's got a punk rock misanthropy that's exhilarating - friends tell us that the show it's from is a bit one-note though. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Stutter_Bubble >> Epic Bollywood Action Scene << Film directors! If you can't do a scene as awesome as this then you don't know jack. Learn from the best: http://www.b3ta.com/links/Epic_Bollywood_Action_Sc... >> The spookiest video we've ever seen << In the week where Stephen Hawking has shocked us all by stating his lack of belief in God - we want to say categorically that we believe in ghosts and this is the proof: http://www.b3ta.com/links/Did_you_see_it >> Boob Apron! << Sometimes we throw vids in that are simply popular on our links board, even though they leave us cold. This is a case in point. It just makes us go "uh" but you lot have voted for it in your droves. It takes all sorts to run this world but we wouldn't want to paint it. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Boob_Apron >> EDL Fashion << A terrifying, new fashion movement is sweeping the UK, calling itself the Evisu Defence League. Ho ho. Actually, to spell out the joke, the EDL is the English Defence League and is a far-right organisation of yobs who want to give our Muslim chums a kicking, which, quite possibly, is a pretty awful idea. http://www.b3ta.com/links/EDL_Fashion ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Redefining the word 'funny' to mean 'shit' * THE OLD WANG JOKE - alex__watson writes, "OK, so it's not exactly a 'cool link', but I know how much you love funny name corner, so I thought I'd send you this cracker." http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/C._P._Wang * GOSH IT LOOKS LIKE A PENIS - Doofs writes, "Ever done a google image search for a geoduck? Marvellous looking molluscs that have the thirteen year old boy in me chortling merrily..." We also thank Wikipedia for the following sentence, "Its large, meaty siphon is prized for its savory flavor and crunchy texture". http://www.google.co.uk/images ------------------------------------------------- : WORLD'S BIGGEST FUN SNAP Our readers respond Last week we were in a kiddie toy shop and bought some fun snaps to entertain the kids (ok, ourselves, but the kids liked them too) and idly wondered about making a really big one. Seems we've hit on a minor universal here as you lot wrote in about it: * LEG BURNS - DirtyArse writes, "DO NOT try this unless you want to lose some flesh and your hearing. I tried it when I was about 12. Emptied about 3 boxes' worth of fun snaps into an empty crisp packet and was going for a fourth when I moved slightly and set it off while it was on my leg. I still have the scar." * CLEARED SINUSES - axeman3d writes, "I had the same brainwave when I had just turned 13, and put it into practice. I bought two whole packets of fun snaps and began carefully unwrapping and emptying them out onto a single sheet of tissue paper on my mum's coffee table. I was about two-thirds of the way through making my little explosive crystal mountain when the last one I put on appears to have made it hit critical mass. It's true what they say, you don't hear the bang when you're that close. I swear I sat there for a full 30 seconds frozen in mid-pour, my brain trying to come to terms with what just happened. My hearing was a bit off and my nose and sinuses felt empty, but that was it." * BLEW UP IN MY FACE - Shippy writes, "I used to think this was a good idea too until I made some myself. I got round to making a few conker-sized ones when one blew up in my face as I was wrapping it up. Once I could hear again and stand up straight, I decided that was enough for me." ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Getting Worse Challenge Last week we wanted you to take regular situations and make them worse Your favourites included: * TIGER - Cat Bin Lady is in for a nasty surprise (the invisable man) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10165646 * TOWERS - Cat Bin Lady versus Osama Bin Laden (Jimbotfu) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10166691 * SPAM - tough times for the creators of popular pretend meat (mofaha) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10166691 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/gettingworse/ >> New challenge: Limericks << Make up a limerick or short poem, then illustrate your work using the medium of picture or animation. Challenge suggested by The Hedgehog From Hell, via danielgoodm and Fitznicely http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/limericks/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * B3TAN LADY SHOWS PANTS ON TV - grandmasterfluffles writes, "Me ranting about Ryanair on BBC News this morning. Not remotely interesting in itself unless you're a musician... but you can see my pants at 0:58. I really wish I'd worn nicer pants... :(" http://snurl.com/ryanairrantypants * MOSQOPOLY! - "Inspired by the recent 'Ground Zero Mosque' crazies, I made a free print-and-play game for y'all," writes Andy Sheerin. "It's called 'Mosqopoly' and is full of r(ofl)asicm. And yes, that totally works as a word." http://www.terrorbullgames.co.uk/mosqopoly * ARTY VIDEO - Older members may remember DIYJoe for his SimonSwears project of yesteryear and he writes, "Earlier this year, we were offered an official place in the Edinburgh Art Festival, a hi-tech gallery in the middle of town and a blank canvas to make something wonderful. We decided to make a film, one frame at a time, with people all around the world. Is it art? Who knows, but we do think it's wonderful." http://www.blipfoto.com/lifeturns/ * FREE GLOBAL WIRELESS - ngnlabs wrote a long email about why we wouldn't get free global wireless which we're subbing down to this single line, "Yes it can be done, Google will do it when 4G eventually creeps out around the world. Sneaky bastards eh?" ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * THOMTHOM - a Sat-Nav voiced by Thom Yorke - it'll will direct you anywhere, assuming anywhere means the local suicide hot-spot. * A RIVAL FOR SPOTIFY THAT COSTS LESS THAN £10 per month - we're currently using an old iPhone with a slightly broken screen as the main source of music in the B3ta Shed. * ANTI-STIG FILTER - Gingineer asks, "Hey guys, in 2 weeks a book will be released with the identity of the Stig. Can someone design a filter for web browsers so that when it goes viral I can avoid finding out who the Stig is!! Points for spamming Harper Collins with crap." Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- : THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by ham.sandwich, westcountryninja. Top Tippery by The Archduke of South London. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Subjlols via Emvee. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. ------------------------------------------------- : TOP TIP: Internet Geeks! Trick your online friends into thinking you have real friends by not logging online for a few hours. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive