we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "GREEN BIN FOR CARDBOARD, BLUE BIN FOR CATS" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * OWLS - with hangovers * COWELL - with a smile * TWAT - with a gun ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're writing the ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Cowell, Things and Fictional Companies >> Good old Simon Cowell << "Here's something I did for the BBC Comedy people," beams Cyriak. Unsettling adventures of a beaming Simon Cowell. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Simon_Cowell >> Things << Baldmonkey has been to the seaside. Here's his exuberant scat-singing celebration of the existence of objects. Kind of mesmerising. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Things >> 8-Bit Pwny Club 4 << Jonti and chums discuss the worst companies to work for - if you live in a computer game. http://weebls-stuff.com/toons/8+Bit+Pwny+Club+ep.4... ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Narrow Escapes Last week we asked how you'd dodged the Grim Reaper and lived to tell us the tale. Some of these will raise goose-bumps: http://b3ta.com/questions/escapes/ * Pub, Shepherds Bush, early Saturday afternoon. My girlfriend and I were having a quick pint before heading into town for a spot of shopping. There were a number of QPR supporters, all in good spirits, the atmosphere was jovial and upbeat. We'd nearly done when two men ran in to a group in the far corner. 'Leeds are here!' They jumped up and started making calls. Peering out of the window behind me, I saw about 30-40 grown men swaggering towards us, 'LEEDS! LEEDS! LEEDS! LEEDS!' We decided to sit tight and stay out of it. The two crowds met and started beating seven shades of shit out of one another. We tried to stay calm, but this was incredibly hard with windows being smashed around us. I saw my girlfriend's eyes widen; over my shoulder she'd seen coming towards the pub a 20 stone Leeds hooligan, arms raised holding a manhole cover. He was laughing as he got closer, loving what he was doing. He kept motioning as if to throw it as he got closer. Now right up against the window, gurning with delight, he raised the manhole above his head once more and took a step backwards. 'Get under the table,' I ordered my girlfriend. I sat transfixed as the beast moved another step back manhole held high. He took one more step and then just collapsed! His leg had gone straight down the uncovered drain. 20 stone of twat hurtled towards the floor, smashing his ballbag into the edge of the hole. The cover crashed to the floor, narrowly missing his head. I slipped down from my seat and under the table, pissing myself with laughter." (Monkey the Chicken) * About six or seven, on one of those fancy sleeper train things hurtling across the south of France, up to my armpits in X-men comics and warm Coca-Cola. My family had all hit the hay when too much warm coke found me blearily making my way to the loo. After relieving myself, I got caught in one of those weird intersection like parts of train, the joining bits between the carriages. One was locked and had a blacked out window. The other was similarly blacked out, but when I tried the door... WHOOOOOOSH!!! There was the French countryside in all its 100mph glory. I was clinging onto the door for dear life, feeling my grip slip away, knowing that my brief life was coming to an end. Then my mum grabbed me by the scruff of the neck and pulled me back inside. My father went completely ballistic at the train guards. 'LE FUCKING DOOR-PORT, WHAT LE FUCK?!' French was never his strong suit." (spiderslut) * "My grandad was one of the unfortunates who was rescued at Dunkirk. He was in the midst of clambering onto a fishing boat when he felt a blinding pain, and realised he had been shot four times... with one bullet. It entered his right buttock at such an angle that it exited near the bunghole, re-entered his left buttock and exited the other side. Luckily, he never proudly showed his scars. (bobman500) >> This Week's Question << We've opened the B3ta confessional in honour of the Pope's impending visit to the UK. Got anything you need to get off your chest? http://b3ta.com/questions/confess/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Hung-over owls << Generally speaking we hate birds, but then the only birds we see are horrid London pigeons, with dirty feathers, pecking at fag-ends in the gutter. Owls are a different matter, but they should never, ever be mocked like this. Disgraceful. http://hungoverowls.tumblr.com/ >> Disturbing cartoon << If we could travel in time we'd make an alarm clock snooze button that would let us stay in bed 5 minutes longer and keep pressing it so we'd probably end up getting up for school aged 70. Oops. Others have different ideas: http://i.imgur.com/94ePv.jpg >> Crabs smoking cigarettes << More animal abuse masquerading as internet lols. Still, we laughed, then felt guilty and then celebrated our moral indecision with a crab sandwich. http://snurl.com/crabsmoke >> You'll never look at a duck the same way << Go on, look closely - their beaks look exactly like a dog mask. (Actually we tried this with a real duck in a duck pond the other day and they move too quickly to get a fix on, so this illusion only works well with photos.) http://www.b3ta.com/links/Do_they_Whack_or_Quoof >> Website poster << Cool idea for a poster here. Take the favicon of sites (those 16 pixel wide icons that appear in the address bar of the browser) and blow them up to the relative traffic of the site. We'd def consider getting one, but there isn't a clear bit of wall space in B3ta HQ since our last dirty protest. http://nmap.org/favicon/ >> Facebook through history << If historical events had facebook statuses. Simple format for gags we've seen before but it's easy win this stuff, isn't it? http://snurl.com/fbinhistory ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Like big TV from wrong end of telescope >> David McCandless on data visualisation at TED. << We remember Mr McCandless from before his recent rise to fame with the InformationIsBeautiful column - he once sent us a book to feature (Internet: The Book!) and then, to say thank-you, he sent us presents in the post which kept us awake for nearly 36 hours - if only everybody who wanted a PR puff was so thoughtful. http://snurl.com/mccandlessted >> New Simon's Cat! << What worried us about Simon's Cat is that they only live, say, 15 years or so, and now Simon's cat is so famous poor Simon will probably spend most of his life drawing a dead cat. http://www.b3ta.com/links/New_Simons_cat >> WHAT A TWAT! << Bloke thinks he is a hard man and makes a vid then puts it on the internet for loads of people to lol at. Actually, time to 'fess up. It's the snake that does it for us. http://www.b3ta.com/links/WHAT_A_TWAT >> Ringtone drummer << Here's a lesson in what difference a bit of good drumming can make to a dull track. Frankly we want to get this guy to improve all our crappo demos. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Ringtone_drummer >> How to catch a seagull in 6 easy steps << More animal abuse! The Royal Society for the Prevention of Birds will have something to say about this. http://www.b3ta.com/links/How_to_catch_a_seagull_i... >> Demented Soca video << "Soca or soul calypso is a form of Popular West Indian music originated in the islands of Trinidad and Tobago" - thanks Wikipedia. This is how Ricky Gervais should have made the finale to The Office. http://bit.ly/d6pMTC ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Not a funny name but... Collapsibletank writes in with this glorious paedo logo. It's a theme we've seen before, but such a fine example we thought we'd share: http://www.sp2.upenn.edu/fieldctr/ ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Inventing Words Challenge Last week we wanted you to invent a new word by changing one letter of a word that already exists Your favourites included: * HIPPONOTAMUS - anything that doesn't resemble a hippo (Captain Howdy) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10159246 * MYSTERECTOMY - taking all the suspense out of a movie by revealing spoilers to someone who hasn't seen it (dirtyscarab) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10157873 * FOREPLOY - the practice of obtaining sex by deception (Afinkawan) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10158614 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/words/ >> New challenge: Making Things Worse << Find a normal photo of normal people doing normal things, then add in the worst thing that could possibly happen, introducing unexpected and unlikely danger to the situation. Challenge suggested by mike waz ere. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/gettingworse/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * SPONSOR A B3TAN - MrGomez writes, "I've been a B3tard for 7 years, so I thought I could ask a favour off you lovely people. B3tards aren't well-known for our physical skillz. So I'm probably the worst person to decide to do an ultra-marathon. But me and my mate Colin are doing 5 and a half marathons in 6 days to raise money for Age UK. Feel free to flame the crap out of me. OR you can sponsor us here." http://www.justgiving.com/takethelongroad http://www.takethelongroad.co.uk/ * PINK FLOYD SPED UP - Canazza writes, "Since everyone seems to love those slowed-down songs, I thought I'd speed up a slow one. Here's Shine On You Crazy Diamond at 300%. When they start to sing it's something rather special." Heh - speeding it up has revealed the hidden sea shanty within. Altogether now! http://snurl.com/shinefaster * MISSING PERSON - Esme Weatherwax is hoping B3ta could work a bit like a milk bottle in the 80s and writes, "My cousin has been missing for a week now. Can you repost it if you're in Canada or know anyone who's there? Thank you very much." http://www.b3ta.com/links/My_cousin_has_been_missi... * YES, JOEL CAN BE A SHIT - TimChuma writes, "That 60-minute enlightenment thing. Goddamn it! I watched all 60 minutes of it. Then '??.?? minutes until enlightenment. TIMER ERROR PLEASE WAIT." ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * WORLD'S BIGGEST FUNSNAP - Can you empty about a 1000 of the fuckers into some thin tissue and drop it off a bridge? * FAIREST PLACE FOR LUNCH - McClairey asks, "Is there anything out there that will tell me what the easiest destination is for two people in different bits of London to get to (via Tube, bus or shoe)? Example being, I work in Camden, and my missus works in Clerkenwell. I would like to meet up for lunch in Angel, but I am not sure that this is the quickest place for both of us to get to. So it'd be a bit like TFL Journey Planner but more for mid-points than end-points. Please help, clever b3tans." * FREE GLOBAL WIRELESS FOR EVERYONE - it's a right painus in the anus trying to write this newsletter from a cafe in Cromer. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by sinisterduck, Funt, mrmonkfish, SockCooker, panik, LemonEntryMyDearWatson, prince-igor, King of Beers, pissflaps, The_Fiend, PokeHQ, and alexispetridis. Top Tippery by sandettie light vessel automatic. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Woken up feeling a bit miserable? Cheer yourself up and make the day seem like a special occasion by cutting your toast into triangles. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive