we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "RIP MONSTER TRUCK" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * EXPERIMENTS - Human vs Rat! * ENLIGHTENMENT - By looking at, err, you'll see * READ IT - English as She is Spoke ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Taking photos of our ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << We actually had an ad this week then it was moved to next week, ho hum. Talk to us. We will help you. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Other than making love to their hands >> Human vs Rat << "Rats are good at solving mazes," points out Tom Scott. "So are humans. But which is better?" There's only one way to find out: http://tomscott.com/maze/ >> Enlightenment << Truly incredible tool enables you to harness the entirety of universal wisdom, from Joel and the boys. http://www.rathergood.com/enlightenment >> 8-bit YouTube << Faceburger imagines a world where YouTubes were invented in 1985. http://www.b3ta.com/links/8_bit_youtube >> I'm On A Boat (Chiptune Cover + Female Vocals) << "Here's us on a boat in Florida Keys doing a music video to our Lonely Island cover," squeals superpowerless. We're not sure if superpowerless is the lady with the breasts, the gentleman with the beard, or the dog with the hat. But clearly this vid has something for every taste. http://snurl.com/chippyyeah ------------------------------------------------- >> Sad news from Joel << "Hi dudes," writes Joel Veitch. "Our kitten Monster Truck has been murdered by a psycho dog. Poor little sod. He was a lovely little cat. It happened on Sunday but it's made me too sad to write about it till now. Guess I'm getting soft as I get older. I've popped the story up here: http://www.rathergood.com/monster_truck ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Lies that got out of control Last week saw panic and confusion within the B3ta community as we asked you to tell the truth about lying. All the stories you see here are 100 per cent accurate. We think. http://www.b3ta.com/questions/pantsonfire/ * DEAD GIRL – When I was six, my parents used to ask me what I'd done at school that day. Invariably, I would tell them a small white lie. One day, I told them "a little girl got knocked over by a car outside school and died", which was a complete fabrication. Cue panicked phone calls, and when my dad dropped me off the next morning there was a huge crowd of parents and journalists outside, some with flowers, while the head was being accused of staging some sort of cover-up. Nobody worked out the source of the rumour, but I vividly remember the lengthy shouting-at I got from both parents when I got home. (sanityclause) * SKINHEAD - I was 14, and decided it would be a good idea if I shaved my head. I asked my mum if I could have a Grade 1 but she refused because she thought I'd look like a thug. So I did it anyway, and dumped the cuttings in the bin. Worried about at what mum would say, I tied a sweatshirt around my head. "We were playing football and I wanted to be Ruud Gullit, and this looks like I have dreads," I lied. Come Monday morning, I was still wearing the jumper, but she pulled it off to reveal my shaven head. "It just fell out over the weekend," I lied again, and she booked me an appointment with the doctor straight away as I "might have a serious illness". It was only as we pulled up outside the surgery that I fessed up, and felt terrible about it. Years Later, I found out she'd known all along because she'd seen the hair cuttings in the bin. She just wanted how long I'd keep wearing a jumper on my head. (Monkey the Chicken) * SPACEMAN - I've always been a massive liar, so when my Year 1 teacher asked me what my Dad's job was during class, I chose not to answer with "Youth Worker", which even at the age of six struck me as pant-wettingly dull. Instead I opted for "Astronaut". Amazingly, I seemed to get away with it, and everyone was suitably awe-struck. Sadly, this also included the teacher, who asked if my astro-dad would be able to come and give a talk to the class about his amazing life. I looked at her witheringly, and replied "Of course he can't. He's in space." (kirst0s) >> This Week's Question << We're knocking together our own version of Final Destination (only without all the blood and stuff), so we're asking you to tell us of your lucky escapes: http://www.b3ta.com/questions/escapes/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Justin Bieber 800% slower << The adorable pop moppet's U Smile is vastly improved by slowing him down 800%. Lovely, ambient sound, like a child-sized whale. http://soundcloud.com/shamantis/j-biebz-u-smile-80... ALSO: lifehacker shows how to make your own slowed-down classics. We particularly liked the Rick Astley video in the comments. http://snurl.com/wifehacker >> "English as She is Spoke" << Fantastically incompetent 19th-century Portuguese-English phrasebook. Neither of the authors could speak English is the problem. Still, A for effort. Download the PDF here: http://www.exclassics.com/espoke/espkpdf.pdf >> Useful installer website << Great site, if you need to set up a freshly-installed PC. Just select the apps you want from the list and it generates an auto-installer. No dialogue boxes, no options, just the standard installs without aggro. http://www.ninite.com/ >> Unicorn being a jerk << Further adventures of the mythical beast who inspired the term "dickhead". http://snurl.com/unijerk ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Like a big video thing at a gig but smaller >> Fuck me Ray Bradbury << Your guide to making a hit internet video. 1. Write a song about a geeky hero. 2. Get it sung by a lady who's not averse to showing a little flesh. 3. Keep doing it until a TV or film company gives you lots of cash. (Our version would be Lily Cole sings Matthew Smith, The Musical.) http://www.b3ta.com/links/Fuck_me_Ray_Bradbury >> Smells Like Teen Spirit vs Rockin' Robin << One of those shitty mashup things - but better than most as A. it all fits together rather well and B. The chirpiness of the backing track contrasts will Kurt's doomy singing to create lols. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> This makes no sense << Just sit back and let it wash over you. Like Salvador Dali wanking on your cheeks. http://www.b3ta.com/links/My_Grandma_Rides_a_Skate... >> Wonders of the Stoner System << "M'colleague DJ Rubbish made this cut-up of Brian Cox," writes Cassetteboy. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Wonders_of_the_Stoner_Sy... >> Utterly awful cover of Sweet Child O' Mine << "Wait 'til the drums 'kick in'," writes Jamie_W, "I did a massive lol." You'll last less than a minute, but it's a glorious minute. We can't decide if they're being shit on purpose - funny either way, mind you. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Utterly_awful_cover_of_S... >> Salvador Dali on "What's My Line?" << Not a sketch. This really happened and it's 10 minutes of the most entertaining television we've ever watched. Thanks internet for giving us this treat. http://www.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Dragon's Den Challenge Last week we wanted you to invent inventions Your favourites included: * OUT - A machine that identifies one's sexual leanings doesn't go down well with all the Dragons (bennyhillslovechild) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10152825 * DARTH - Lord Vader receives funding for an unusual venture (CatDog) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10152270 * CARPET - inoffensive religious joke ahoy (hedonist) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10154753 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/dragonsden/ >> New challenge: Invent a Word << This week's challenge is to invent a new word by changing one letter of a word that already exists, then illustrate the result. Confused? Think "Ambiduxtrous" - the ability to hold a duck in either hand. Challenge suggested by The Coast of Yemen http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/words/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * B3TA BOARD MAKES AN ALBUM, Dave! writes, "ALBUMHOLE! Featuring (in no particular order) Dave!, The Slapdash Rapper, Kids in mono, Cyriak, Count Vanderhoff, Burning bright, Thomas the search engine, mr.dogshit, c_kick, K-lyd, TheColonel and Broken Science." http://www.b3ta.com/links/513333 * SPONGMONKEYS GAME - Joel Veitch writes, "We Like The Moon is now available on Rock Band! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! I've got We Like The Moon live on the Rock Band network! YEAH!" http://www.rockband.com/songs/UGC_5002205 * FACEBOOK CAMPAIGN TO SEND BRIAN BLESSED TO THE MOON - as requested by Brian himself in last week's newsletter. Thanks to Emma Haxton for starting this. http://www.facebook.com/group.php * INSPIRATIONAL EMAILS - splorp writes, "Just thought I would drop you a quick email to thank you for B3ta's ongoing inspiration to do web stuff. You featured my very silly site www.tiddles.co.uk in newsletter 145 (I think, or was it 125?) and the resulting massive response I got from around the world was enormous fun and showed me what larks could be had setting up an online community. Fast forward a few years and I was diagnosed with Type One diabetes and so having learnt from my tiddles.co.uk experience, I set up a somewhat irreverent and slightly humorous diabetes community at shootuporputup.co.uk, which readers tell me has helped in a small way to change people's lives for the better. Which is nice. Then having seen you guys doing interviews with famous people, I thought I could have a crack at that and so contacted a bunch of famous diabetics. As a result I'm now collecting questions from my readers to ask diabetic uber-sportsman-God Sir Steve Redgrave, who agreed to do an interview. This is pretty cool. So there we have it - just thought I'd let you know that B3ta, oddly enough, has been a genuine inspiration." http://www.shootuporputup.co.uk/ * ARE YOU AMBIWANKSTROUS? skidrowpete replies, "Yes I am ambiwankstrous. Why? Because Jasper Carrott once said it feels like someone else if you use your left hand, so I tried it. It was odd at first but now I am a pro." Whereas Lurker wishes he was so lucky as, "it feels so much bigger in the wrong hand." ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * API FUN - use the Radio 1 API data to create isChrisMoylesOnRadio1.com, a valuable warning service for people considering tuning in. (Matt Round) * IPHONE MOCKERY - See if signal bars drop when the cat puts its paw on the antenna join; if so, blog post "iPhone 4 Not For Cats" = traffic win (Again, Matt Round. Hi Matt!) * TONY BLAIR HATRED - ian.n.paterson asks, "You probably haven't heard but that arsehole Tony Blair is releasing his book this week. To appease his conscience, he is donating all proceeds from the book to the British Legion. As much as I hate the warmongering little twat and want to start things like Facebook groups to boycott Waterstones for hosting the launch and not buying the rancid little turd's tome I had a much better idea. Let's all buy the book as a sign of wanting the proceeds to go to such a worthy charity. Then let's organise bonfires around the country to burn the books as a mass sign of how much we hate him. A few Tony guys on the top of the pyre would also be very satisfying." Wait, wait; Now we hate Tony & Guy? Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Gingey, Dave Gormano, Dave! the_spoon, FixedNoseFace! Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Ever come down in the morning, cooked up some porridge and found that you've run out of salt? Knock one out into your porridge and stir in thoroughly for a low-sodium alternative. (currantbun) next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive