we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "PRINCE PHILLIP HAS HIS INVITE TO THE BNP'S BARBEQUE WITHDRAWN" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * SONG - Dave the Fridge * LIES - In online dating. Surely no! * SURFING - On tarps ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "My dog's got no dick. ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Fridge, Cows and Shopping >> Dave the Fridge << "Here's something we made with the comedian Gareth Richards," cries thatchersarse. "Hope you like!" Catchy song about why his mate is very like a fridge. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Dave_the_Fridge >> Cows and cows and cows << This is what cattle get up to when nobody's looking. The usual, mind-melting stuff from Cyriak. "Enjoy the many cows!" he tinkles. http://www.b3ta.com/links/cows_and_cows_and_cows >> Found shopping lists << "I keep finding shopping lists," explains Wildyles. "There are some interesting people out there, none more so than the idiot hunting around trollies for old lists." Enjoy his unnecessarily bile-filled critique of others' grocery choices. http://foundshoppinglist.wordpress.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK You're doing it wrong Most of us have suddenly realised we've been doing something the wrong way all our lives, but only this lot will admit to it. Click to find out just where 'cname' got his hand stuck: http://b3ta.com/questions/wrongness/ * CHOC - "A girl I once worked in a pub with had a customer ask for a hot chocolate. Not having ever made one before, but not wanting to look like a div, she improvised thusly: 1) Pour about half a jar of hot chocolate powder into the kettle. 2) Fill the kettle with milk. 3) Turn on the kettle... It sort of made a fuzzley noise for a minute and started to crackle and emit burnt chocolatey smoke. In fairness, several bar-hanging regulars and I had watched her throughout the whole process, and could have corrected her, but we were too enthralled." (SnowyTheRabbit) * CHOP - "Worked for a kitchen fitter. I was young. I was tasked with cutting out the hole for the sink. I marked the hole out on the worktop and then took to it with a jigsaw. Yes, you guessed it. A perfect sink sized piece of worktop is what I was left with, the rest of the worktop cut to fucking bits to get to the sink sized piece. Boy was my face red. Because he punched me." (Spaff_Quaffer) * WHAT? - "I've been with my boyfriend for ten years, and I always wondered why his mother - Wendy - didn't like me very much. Last year, he finally got round to telling me that her name is Liz." (Punkygirl) >> This Week's Question: guilty laughs << We want you to tell us about the times your sense of humour has gone beyond taste and decency. Personally, it's once a week, on Friday mornings. How about you? http://b3ta.com/questions/guiltylaughs/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Dear Blank, Please Blank << Anonymous notes to whoever. Mostly observational humour in the form of a letter. Enjoyed this more the further we read. http://www.dearblankpleaseblank.com/ >> Biggest lies in online dating << People on dating sites exaggerate their height, their income and, oddly, how bisexual they are. Fascinating statistical analysis from OK Cupid. http://snurl.com/datinglies >> News mystery man << Who is this mysterious character, suddenly ubiquitous on UK TV? He never seems to change his clothes or his hair. Is he a prankster? A crazy person? Or a sinister army of clones? http://snurl.com/tvmysteryman >> Journey through fruit << Animated MRI scans of fruit and veg produce compelling images, like organic fireworks. http://insideinsides.blogspot.com/ >> What BP could have bought << Here's some of the stuff that BP could have bought with the money they lost off their market valuation. It's not real money, of course, but there are some good comedy suggestions here. Really, can you imagine anyone actually paying for Yahoo? http://snurl.com/lookatwhattheycouldhavewon >> My procedural << Writer retells a gripping incident from his own life, to illustrate what it's like to pitch ideas for police procedural TV show. Hope he writes a whole book of these - we'd read it. http://snurl.com/sledgehammerandwhore ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO It's YouTube with different stylesheets >> Newport (Ymerodraeth State of Mind) << Celebration of the small Welsh town, in a Jay-Z & Alicia Keys style. Newport is a hotbed of rap, being the hometown of Goldie Lookin' Chain. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Newport_Ymerodraeth_Stat... >> Mel Gibson vs Old Spice guy << When massive memes meet, they make odd little meme babies. But who are we to deny them their moment to shine? http://bit.ly/c5Dqw6 >> Bunny Show Jumping << Rabbits compete athletically for your delight. We enhanced our viewing pleasure by replacing the soundtrack with Nine Inch Nails 'Just Like You Imagined' for that 'epic' feel. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Pug sings Batman << A lot funnier than it should be. http://youtu.be/GrIp3k5pJQM >> The Chipophone << An old electric organ converted into an 8-bit synth to play live chip tune music. "It has built-in arpeggios, man!" raves a fired-up Rob. Old synths used to cheat at chords by playing single notes for a microsecond at a time, like stop-motion for the ear, and creating an odd trilling sound. http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Chipophone >> Incredible particle physics demo << Some sort of hyped-up cgi demonstration, which excites us just thinking about how good games are going to look in a few years. Yes, Farmville 2.0 will be pretty fucking sweet. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Amazing_particle_physics... ------------------------------------------------- : GO SEE BEN WHEATLEY'S FILM Down Terrace Old-school B3tan Ben writes - "My feature film 'Down Terrace' finally makes it to the cinema. I am having to write this because Rob angrily replied, 'I AM TOO LAZY TO WRITE YOUR PUFF.' So here it is: Down Terrace plays at the ICA from the 30th of July for a week. It's won a load of prizes and has had good reviews. So go and see it. There's seven deaths and lots of swearing. Thanks Ben." http://www.ica.org.uk/24942/Film/Down-Terrace.html ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Mel Gibson Challenge Last week we wanted you to 'shop feisty Mr Gibson Your favourites included: * ATTACK - Mel finds himself the subject of some unwelcome attention (benito vasselini) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10126352 * SADDAM - you can run, but you can't hide (Smallbrainfield) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10128352 * GALLERY - maximum Gibson, as the Lethal Weapon star gets framed (eclectech) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10125054 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/melgibson/ >> New challenge: Big Ben << It's the go-to landmark that appears in films if the director needs to show that the action has suddenly switched to London. It's Big Ben. It's this week's challenge. 'Shop it. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/bigben/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * "I'VE MADE A SINGLE WITH ARMANDO IANNUCCI", writes old-school b3tan Fat Boab, "Dead chuffed, like." http://snurl.com/iannucciplayspop * KITTENS INSPIRE SCIENCE - "One for 'What happened next'?" prompts Fraser correctly. http://snurl.com/kittycrowdsourcing * NINA THE SNOW LEOPARD - Jahled writes, "Kerry came to the Trust today to meet the snow leopard named after Nina." http://www.b3ta.com/board/10129709 * HOW MUCH HEROIN WILL KILL YOU? - chris monkboy writes, "As a scientist, I, and no doubt thousands of other scientists will be informing you that virtually every chemical that you can buy has an MSDS sheet available to go with it. In answer to your question, a typical lethal dose for heroin would be about 7.82 mg per KG." He also suggests you look up Ethanol for some very dry lols. http://www.lookchem.com/HEROIN/ ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * GOVERNMENT WARNINGS ON NEWS STORIES - like how much saturated bullshit there is per 100 grams. * iPHONE LICKERS - "I think you should set a competition for people with an iPhone and who can text the fastest with their tongue," says Donkey Gums. * A BUTTON TO ROUND UP A TWITTER HATE MOB - always useful if you want to hound some poor bastard into insanity. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by bennyhillslovechild, Jonhorsley, williamtheblood, scaryduck, Cakie, King of Beers, Monkey Tennis, Simon Pegg, coax_k, Sn0tters. Top Tippery by Amorous Badger. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via monkeon. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Is b3ta blocked by your company's Hitler-like web filter? Get on with some work then, you lazy cunt. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive