we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "RIP HAROLD SHIPMAN, YOU LEGEND" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * OVERDOSE - a day of Atari 2600 * JEDI CAT - with a lightsaber * KARAOKE - Jewel sings Jewel ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Fuck knows what we're ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Other than playing soggy biscotti >> The Daily Mail's as Underground Map << PokeHQ writes, "This took hours, and hours to do. Hope it was worth it." Definitely worth it, and we like it so much we've set it as our official B3ta wallpaper. http://snurl.com/dailyfailtubemap >> Jedi cat << That cute little cat-in-a-box from last week. Only now he has a lightsaber, courtesy of Faceburger. Yay! http://www.b3ta.com/links/Now_he_has_a_lightsaber_... >> Double Rainbow << "A double helping of Rainbow," brags Pig Face Turnip over this, his own take on the double rainbow meme. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Double_Rainbow >> "My Guitar is a Mushroom" << "About a year ago I made a guitar in the shape of a Power-Up Mushroom from the Super Mario Universe," explains shovelboy. Here's his show and tell demonstration. http://www.b3ta.com/links/My_Guitar_is_a_Mushroom >> Uncle Wormsley << A darkly nostalgic Yuletide tale from Joel & co, who are putting it out now because "hopefully we'll get to make it as a TV Christmas special - got some interest along those lines but nothing definite as yet." Anybody wanting to fund this, Joel will be your private dancer and any old music will do. http://www.unclewormsley.com/ >> Atari 2600 overdose << "Here's a great retro gaming article," boasts phonepimp. "Guy plays his Atari 2600 for an entire day without stopping." We enjoyed his description of the Atari as a reverse Terminator - a terrifying machine sent from the past to end his life. http://snurl.com/atarioverdose ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Absolute Power We wanted to know if power had turned you into a rabid dictator or a humiliated arse. Go read how Vagabond turned a lowly temp job into a power lunch with the captains of industry: http://b3ta.com/questions/power/ * Gullible - "When I was a young chap my mother thought it would be a good idea to put me and my brother in charge of the party games at my little sister's birthday party. We proceeded to con them into following a series of arrow post-it notes around the garden, through the house, out the bathroom window back into the garden, into the shed and then starting all over again claiming they'd missed something on the way. Meanwhile we scoffed a shedload of party food and watched telly whilst the fools completed at least eight full circuits." (shake'n'bake) * Actionable - "It's scary to think that parents give me, the babysitter, absolute power over their kids for the evening. I've so far managed to convince various children that: toothpaste comes from caterpillars, moths are the ghosts of butterflies, I am related to dracula, gnomes are evil, butter grows in dark places, adults get twice as much monopoly money as kids, donkeys are aliens and the list goes on. Absolute power over children may not seem much to people in real positions of power, but it can be funny as fuck at times. Also, every child I've babysat could make a decent cuppa by the age of 7..." (Smash Monkey) * Certifiable - "For my birthday just gone, my girlfriend gave me absolute power over her. I was allowed to do anything I wanted to, and she'd go along with it. So I went down the pub and got hammered whilst she cooked the dinner." (Monkey the Chicken) >> This Week's Question: Doing it wrong << Tell us about the facepalm moment when you realised you've been doing it wrong these years. Talk to us here, you mug: http://b3ta.com/questions/wrongness/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Meme theme: 3 googles << We once worked with a magazine journalist who liked to say "three is a trend", meaning that if you can find three of something you can bullshit out a feature about a rising trend. If that guy still worked in journalism we'd send him this: http://therevolvinginternet.com/ http://unevengoogle.com/ http://www.googlingwithkittens.com/ >> Friends of irony << Imagine, if you will dear reader, a site that collected together photos of signs that directly contradict what you can see. Wow, internet, you spoil us. But you really don't understand irony. http://www.friendsofirony.com/ >> Fake Tube station in London << Tube stations are weirdly fascinating places - a lady friend of ours claims she can get through her local ticket barrier without paying by slowly rotating her foot at the station guy - a notorious shoe pervert. This is where such types get their training: http://snurl.com/secretunderground >> Awkward Stock Photos << If you've ever produced crap for the internet you might have spent an afternoon clicking through stock photo libraries going, "Crikey, what a load of shit" but it never occurred to us that it was a potential comedy gold-mine. http://awkwardstockphotos.com/ >> MS Paint Masterpieces << If Lovejoy was still being made - he'd be getting Tinker to bash out forgeries of Old Masters in MS Paint and selling them on Twitter. Fact. http://mspaintmasterpieceproject.blogspot.com/ >> Those clever Old Spice ads << Internet advertising has just been rewritten - forget spending all your budget on bashing out a clever viral that looks like it was a made in a shed with a felt-tip, from now on in it's going to be this highly reactive 'making vids to Twitter comments' shit. Somebody should think of a name for it because every agency in town will be pitching variations on this for the next year. http://snurl.com/oldspicewin ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Like laserdisks but less shiny >> Maori's Morning. << Most stop-motion is crap yeah? Once you've got over the OMG THAT MUST HAVE TAKEN AGES, who really gives a shit? This is different because they've remembered to put gags in it. Remember that, internet - you can keep people's attention with jokes. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Maoris_Morning >> The man behind Real Dolls << Who would have guessed he looks like a bonus member of Nine Inch Nails and has creepy eyes? Apparently, it's important not to judge these sadsacks who want to fuck rubber dolls. http://vimeo.com/13080908 * Also worth reading - a Real Doll factory photo essay: http://caneparidoesitbetter.com/2010/07/08/love-ma... >> Jewel sings Jewel Karaoke << We can't really remember who Jewel was, other than some blonde-haired girl who sang some pop songs a few years back. Looks like she's on hard times but at least up for a few internet lols in this cute trick. She visits a karaoke bar in disguise and sings her own songs. Weirdly emotional and almost made us cry, but then we're probably just having a breakdown, or starting our periods or something. http://snurl.com/undercoverkaraoke >> You, your kids, and your what now? << According to Urban Dictionary (which by 2050 will replace the C.O.D as the most-cited reference work in academic papers) a Johnson is a penis. That's all you need to know to enjoy this video, although we might be stepping on the punchline there. http://www.b3ta.com/links/You_your_kids_and_your_w... >> Nazi cock << From the ministry of silly walks comes John Cleese, reincarnated as a chicken. Sub-Beadle lols but fuck it, he's dead anyway. http://www.poetv.com/video.php >> Black metal band with views on downloading << Norwegian liberal party "Venstre" suggests legalising downloading mp3s. Black metal band Enslaved tracks down party leader's farm and "downloads" one of his sheep. http://snurl.com/blackmetalsheep ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER It takes two to mango * POOR OLD BRUCIE - via the Scottish Daily Fail http://snurl.com/mailfail * MORE UPHILL FUN - Colonel Dracula writes, "Re: Uphill Badminton. I live near Uphill, and should you find yourself in the area I can recommend the "Uphill Garden Centre"; perfect for all your uphill gardening needs." http://www.city-visitor.com/uphill/gardening.html ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from two challenges A few weeks ago we asked you to Photoshop the World Cup. Now it's over. Phew. Your favourites included: * FABIO - England's manager, lovingly rendered by Pixar (Q4nobody.co.uk) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10085890 * GREEN - the camera angle that explains everything (herman:D) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10089460 * HORN - the vuvuzela makes a terrifying, unexpected appearance (Captain Howdy) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10091486 While last week, we asked you to celebrate the humble tarsier. Your favourites included: * SUMMER - Compo gets compoed in the compo (AceFox) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10115509 * UNBELIEVABLE - Victor Meldrew attempts to make a phone call (benito vasselini) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10117936 * HORSE - rare zoological find as tarsier mates with nag (Fresh Water Mole) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10116511 All these images, and the highest as voted by you in both challenges, can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/worldcup/ http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/tarsier/ >> New challenge: Mel Gibson << Mel Gibson: action hero. Whether it's as Mad Max, or the bloke out of Lethal Weapon, he's never far from our screens or out of the news. So fire up your image manipulation tool and manipulate him. Go mental. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/melgibson/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * B3TANS MAKE KIDS TV SHOW - "Morning BETA!" shouts loego. "Just saw someone had finally uploaded some clips of our little kiddie show Big Babies to YouTube. So I hope you don't mind me spreading the word, as we really wanna get the show out there to older big kids too. Shame out of all the people on YouTube the person that uploads our FAMILY kids show has the username SODOMIZINGDEVIANTS. Blimey." http://www.b3ta.com/links/Only_fools_and_Horses_fa... * AT-AT VIDEO: HOW IT WAS MADE - we featured the vid a few weeks back and now a revealing and inspirational guide to using chromakey and stop-motion technology. You'll want to make stuff after watching this. http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_making_of_At_At_Day_... * MORE B3TAN BABIES - A couple of weeks back we claimed to be obsessed with spunk and want cummy projects. CHCB writes, "So this is kind of a cummy project: Me 'n' fellow b3tan Captain V meet at a very drunken bash last year, he knocked me up and fortunately we quite liked that and we had catfaceceilidhbaby on Monday. We said if she was ginger we'd call her Rob. She's not, so we didn't. In true QOTW style she likes breasts. We are waiting to see about the undiagnosed crippling Internet Asperger's." * COOLING DRINKS - MrMoose writes, "Regarding the cold water/drink tip in issue 436: I use a battery-powered coffee-foamer whisk to stir an ice cube-laden drink at speed to get a very cold drink fast. Add about 6-9 ice cubes to a pint of juice and don't stop until the glass starts to mist over. Don't drink it too fast or you'll get brain-freeze!" We prefer the low-tech approach of sticking your drink and a couple of ice cubes into a thermos flask and shaking hard for 30 seconds. It really does work and we finally understand why James Bond would have a preference for shaken over stirred - shaking basically means colder. ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Twitter golf Guide your ball across the range by guessing what words are popular on Twitter. Tip: 'iPhone' will get you a longer putt than 'flopsy'. http://twirdie.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * HOW MUCH HEROIN WOULD IT TAKE TO KILL YOU? We want a little calculator based upon body weight, purity of the smack, how many other depressants you've already consumed. * YOUTUBE AUTOTUNE - hearing elephants and kittens via autotune is always amusing, but wouldn't it be fantastic to have a button that works for all youtube vids? * A WHAT'S TRENDING ON FACEBOOK GROUP - complete with a letter signed by David Cameron to print out a demand that it gets taken down. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Cliff Richard's porn stash, WiL, Herb Alpert's Taxi driver, thememoryhole, Hey Baberuba, DavyBoyInGravyJoy, sinisterduck, mediocre, dorocic, WiL. Top Tippery by bugboy. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via benito vasselini. ------------------------------------------------- Predict the future: When watching the World Cup (or Wimbledon if you're posh,) live on TV, have your DAB radio secretly plugged into your ear. The broadcast time on digital radio is about 8 seconds ahead of the TV broadcast. Thus you will have a good 5 seconds to predict the result. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive