we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "NOT AS POSH AS THE TIMES, BUT AT LEAST IT'S FUCKING FREE" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * CARTOON - Stephen Fry! * SURPRISE - Ninja cat attack * COCKS - on lady celebs ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Other than eating belly button fluff >> Stephen Fry << "Ugh, three screens is doing my head in a bit," groans Jonti, from his triangular cocoon of pornography. But it hasn't stopped him producing this marvellous celebration of national treasure Stephen Fry Esq. The joy of doing anything about Mr Stephen on the internet is, of course, that he'll know about it within 10 minutes. http://www.weebls-stuff.com/songs/Stephen+Fry/ >> Awkward Pauses << "I've started this blog," begins monkeon. "It was going to just be a collection of O-faces, but became about gurning and grimacing to make it a bit more varied." He screen caps youTube vids to capture the precise moment a celeb looks stupidest. http://awkward-pauses.blogspot.com/ >> Granny's Handbag << List song specialist Koit tackles classic memory game Granny's Handbag. http://www.highasakoit.co.uk/flash/Grannys.html >> BT Total Broadband << Rusty Shackleford's quick and dirty bash at that annoying BT commercial has you saying hello to an old internet friend. NSFW. http://www.b3ta.com/links/BT_Total_Broadband ------------------------------------------------- : STANDON MUSIC FESTIVAL A nice sponsored linky. Yay! A festival where you dress up, suck off the girlfriend's dealer and get to try gourmet food to take the taste away. Think Glastonbury without the BBC, but with a nightclub in a cowshed, a swimming pool and some cool band that will win the Mercury prize next year. Stevie Wonder? Pfft. He can see anyway. Lying fuck. http://tinyurl.com/3a5kayr ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Starting something you couldn't finish Last week we asked for things you'd started and simply couldn't finish. Click for Pooflake's epic story of a Pooflake without a Poo: http://b3ta.com/questions/unfinishedbusiness/ * SHED SHED SHED - "8 years ago I moved into a house and wanted to put up a shed at the end of the garden instead of the hill of soil and bricks and stuff that generations of lazy bastards had left there. YEAR 1: Occasionally go up to the end of the garden and look at the little hill, wishing it wasn't there. YEAR 2: Start Work!. Spend 2 hours digging into the hill. Realise this is a big job. Stop for Lunch. YEAR 3: Occasionally go up to the end of the garden and look at the little hill, wishing it wasn't there. YEAR 4: Hire a mini-digger and remove the little hill, creating an unusual raised lawn in another part of the garden. Measure up for the shed, it's all systems go. YEAR 5: Think about putting a base down. YEAR 6: Think some more about putting a base down. YEAR 7: Get a builder to put a base down. YEAR 8: I’ve ordered the shed! 10x12 feet of manly hidey-hole, It's coming in two weeks and I can't tell you how excited I am. Only took 2 more years than the London Olympics project." (Ring Of Fire) * WORK WORK WORK - "In order to make me be more organised, my boss made me keep a diary of what I was working on and how long tasks were taking, so we could see how to improve things. When we sat down at the end of the week to review it, I had to admit that I'd only managed to keep it updated for the first morning, and that read: + 9am-9:30am - meeting with boss about diary + 9:30am-1pm - general admin-ish stuff. I think they pretty much gave up on me at that point." (SnowyTheRabbit) * PEEP PEEP PEEP - "Not one single thing, ever. Signed, M. Magnússon." (Galactic Yeti) >> This Week's Question: Anal << We'd like your OCD habits and rituals. Turn round three times and talk to us here: http://b3ta.com/questions/habits/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Your Freedumb << The government's half-arsed vox pop 'Your Freedom' website yields some Speak Your Brains gems. http://yourfreedumb.tumblr.com/ >> Lady celebs with huge man-penises << Godferry dribbles, "OMG lady celebs with cocks!" Reminds us of the links we used to send into popbitch in about 2000 and worth it for the wtf value of "Sarah Palin fucking Tina Fey in the ass." http://kinkyjimmy.thumblogger.com/ >> Heroin addiction comic book << Bought an iPad this week and realised it was great for reading comics and then thought, "I really want to read a comic about heroin addiction" and found this: http://www.ep.tc/hooked/ >> Price Tag Fails << Not actually fails. Bored retail staff place price tags to cause maximum hilarity. http://snurl.com/99plols >> Office rebellion infographic << Useful safety diagram showing the expected development of the desk drones finally snapping and throwing off their shackles. http://www.somethingrotten.dk/wp-content/anarchy.j... >> Spoof Railtrack << When Railtrack went tits up a while back, it allowed this forward-thinking joker to quickly register his own company as 'Railtrack Ltd'. Now he gets to mercilessly wind up the defunct rail company's creditors, debt collectors and solicitors. http://www.fitlads.net/tmp/railtrack.pdf ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH Pets in Cast Remember the Britpop band Cast? Well they're back and they've replaced John Powers with a kitten! Brilliant. All together now in a scouse accent, "walk away walk away, if dog starts a fight walk away." Oh casts not Cast. Ho hum. http://www.petsincasts.com ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Like TV but without the pages from Ceefax >> Super Fast Ninja Cat Attack << There's a cat in a closed box; how do you tell if it's alive or dead? Here's how. http://www.b3ta.com/links/SUPER_FAST_NINJA_CAT_ATT... >> Life of a pet AT-AT << Aww so cute - he thinks he's a dog. The squirrel-chasing scene was a nice touch. http://www.b3ta.com/links/A_day_in_the_life_of_a_p... >> Freaky fish << Recently-decapitated, skinned and gutted dogfish return from the dead to frighten a hapless cook and make us feel sick. The reason, of course, is Science: Adding salt caused the fishes' muscles to start flexing. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Richard Whiteley Countdown Gotcha << Old readers will remember what loathsome cunt Noel Edmunds was on his House Party show - however this clip also shows what beautifully engineered pranks they occasionally pulled off. There must have been someone very smart working on the production team as we simply can't credit this to Noel. http://snurl.com/countdowngotcha >> 100 greatest movie insults of all time << Some absolute classics made it in here, including "cock-juggling thunder-cunt". Lots and lots of Joe Pesci. http://snurl.com/100bestinsults >> Covers band play Abbey Road Medley << If you've got 18 minutes spare this afternoon then sit back and listen to The Fab Faux tackle side two of Abbey Road. Great music played by great musicians who are only a teeny, tiny bit less cool-looking than The Beatles. http://snurl.com/shabbyroad ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Like a dog with two cocks * WIKILOLS - stuartcolebrook writes, "I was reading the Wikipedia article on Ned Kelly and a couple of bits made me chuckle, particularly the name of the Chinese pig farmer he assaulted as a lad. I'll leave you to discover it yourself." http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ned_Kelly * UNLIKELY AUTHOR - benseviltwin apologises, "Sorry, one for the funny names corner, but this has to be the king of all" http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0007FGT7... ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Littlejohn Challenge Last week we wanted you to photoshop mighty scribe Richard Littlejohn Your favourites included: * FILTH - sickened and disgusted by the image challenge itself (The Hedgehog From Hell) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10101009 * SHINING - a dangerous psychopath at a typewriter. Sound familiar? (Monkeon) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10103463 * DOGS - how different papers see the same story. An oldie, but a goodie nonetheless (Checkinguponmeagain?) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10104350 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/richardlittlejohn/ >> New challenge: Giraffes << Giraffes are brilliant. Show us what it would be like if they lived in human society. Or doing anything else. We don't care. Because giraffes are brilliant. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/giraffes/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories * RIPPING OFF VENDING MACHINES - simonski writes, "As a young man I lived in a bedsit where the gas fire ran off a coin meter. Solution? Slab of plasticine-form impressions of 50p pieces - fill with water and freeze. Result? Free gas and a confused landlady with an empty, rusty coin box. (The electric was even easier - you could undo the padlock with a teaspoon)." * TREE SCIENCE - randallbart writes, "Trees are not reflective in infrared, they glow in infrared. Not your fault because you just repeated the treehugger said, but it's not reflectivity, it's incandescence." This made me curious enough to look it up - and we know Wikipedia isn't the best source going - but it reckons ..."the "Wood Effect," an effect mainly caused by foliage (such as tree leaves and grass) strongly reflecting in the same way visible light is reflected from snow. There is a small contribution from chlorophyll fluorescence, but this is marginal and is not the real cause of the brightness seen in infrared photographs." Anyone who understands magic tree science want to settle this? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Infrared_photography * BROWSING LOOKING LIKE WORK - fishsticks writes, "Re: McClairey's request for a web browser that makes it look like you're working. Ghostzilla did just that when it was available. It basically made websites look like Excel/Word etc. It's discontinued now, but there is GhostFox, a FireFox addon that does much the same. It drifts in and out of compatibility with Firefox though, so you might have to tweak some settings to get it to work." https://addons.mozilla.org/en-US/firefox/addon/227... * Whereas moogthedog recommends, "I found this 'Magic Boss Key' application that also mutes the sound when you hit the key combination." http://www.magictweak.com/freeutil/magicboss/magic... ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME The IT Crowd Game Our ginger Fuhrer and Matt Round have been hard at work producing a game for Channel 4 to promote the IT Crowd comedy show. May contain references to Keyboard Cat: http://snurl.com/itcrowdgame BTW: orca_biscuits delightfully asks, "Where the fuck was the Friday game, you ginger cunt?" Sorry about that but if people don't send them in then we don't run them, and we're too proud simply to lift the current highest-rated game from Kongregate. ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. This week we're obsessed with spunk and want cummy projects: * DRINKING COW SEMEN - a friend has just moved into an office owned by an artificial insemination company - they're selling "Semen Royalty Bull" for £40 + VAT. Buy some and drink it for youTube lols. * COME ON YOUR iPAD - you should download porn and then wank onto the screen of your shiny, wipable iPads - if only to prove by example how wrong Steve Jobs is when he says his tech represents "Freedom from porn". Actually email Jobs and see if you get one of his terse and grumpy little missives back. * THE CUM RACE - Every day wank into a pot and the end of the month upload your pic to the internet. The person who's produced the most semen gets a free book from Amazon from us to the value of £5.99. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Ptolemy, jleyden, danielbevis, Mark McD, 31eeweep, nmkl pkjl ftmch, Funt, Godferry, something cuddly and cute, Herb Alpert's Taxi driver, mystery bob, murrayjame5, and Pew Pew Pew! Lasers! Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. sickilols via davecrocket. Subjlol via Halibut. ------------------------------------------------- Predictive text is for aunts. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive