we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "IN THE TIME IT TAKES TO READ THIS, SOMEONE ELSE WILL HAVE BECOME A 'SOCIAL MEDIA EXPERT'" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * NOISE - Vuvuzela remover * INTERVIEW - Richard Herring talks to b3ta * BP - Coffee spill ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're injecting ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Hello potential sponsors. We're need money to pay for a shed to run B3ta HQ from. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1 Lots of sexy shit, man >> World Cup web browsing << "From the clever people that brought you burkavision..." begins majoringram. "It's VUVUZELA TIME!" http://www.vuvuzela-time.co.uk/www.b3ta.com >> YOU interview Richard Herring << We asked the massed hordes of b3ta for questions to ask comedy legend Richard Herring. Then Rob *made him answer them*! Yes, for that is how interviews work, and this one turned out pretty well. Choice words of wisdom: "Staying young is about staying interested". http://www.b3ta.com/interview/richardherring/ >> Deaf Mugger << "The government has a scheme called Access to Work which pays for disabled people to get the assistance they need to do their job properly," explains helmsdeep. "I thought, taken to its logical conclusion, that deaf criminals could do the same." http://www.b3ta.com/links/Deaf_Mugger ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Bad management Last week we asked about bad managers and, as usual, got lots of really great stories then found it really hard to pick ones for the newsletter because they're all so bloody long. So this week, in a break from tradition, we're running them mostly as links. * HEART WARMING STORY ABOUT NOT ALL MANAGERS ARE BAD - possibly a bit of social marketing planted by an insurance company, mind you. (dchurch) http://www.b3ta.com/questions/badmanagement/post75... * MR MALAPROPISM - comedy writers! Ever stuck for a formula to make jokey characters? The Malapropism - the substitution of a word for a word with a similar sound or meaning - is your friend. Best example here being, "I'm watching you like a hawk. Too-wit too-woo!" (Jackie Chan's Lovechild) http://www.b3ta.com/questions/badmanagement/post75... * INTERNET USAGE POLICY - "A friend of mine worked for a company which relied heavily on internet resources. After a take-over, the new internet usage policy gradually got worse and worse as you read down the page, until point 9, which read: 9. Under no circumstances must the internet be used for (a) upload or (b) download of data. Sigh." (Amish Information Systems ) >> This Week's Question: Stick it to The Man << From little victories over your bank manager to epic wins over the law - tell us how you've put one over authority. Right on, kids! Suggestion from Sandettie Light Vessel Automatic http://www.b3ta.com/questions/theman/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Vuvuzela remover << Always working to help humanity, geeks are making audio filters to remove the vuvuzela sound from the World Cup. We're making a filter which replaces the football with interesting documentaries from Radio 4. http://snurl.com/nerdsgloriousnerds >> Stuff no-one told me << Charming illustrations accompany life lessons you wish someone had told you. http://stuffnoonetoldme.blogspot.com/ >> Swing-o-matic << The Swinger automatically stretches any tune you like into swing time. Worth it just for swinging Sting. http://musicmachinery.com/2010/05/21/the-swinger/ >> Models bare all in new calendar << You can really see everything they've got. Which is, of course, because they are being X-rayed. Insert your own 'boner' joke here. http://www.geekosystem.com/x-ray-pin-up-calendar/ >> Best actress CV << Excellent imdb entry, but she should be afraid of getting type-cast. http://imdb.to/aB7D1 >> Notting Hill's hidden posters << London Underground workers recently uncovered a wall of posters dating from the late 1950s. That was back when posters were the most awesome form of advertising and had all the best people and all of the money. Nowadays that would be Google Adwords. http://snurl.com/tubeywoo ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2 Two for one bonus! Thank you b3ta! >> Ridley Scott's Monopoly << "Rumour has it that Ridley Scott is making a feature film based on the board game Monopoly," claims Ornsack. "Over a couple of pints we dreamed up what the trailer may look like." It looks a lot like win. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Ridley_Scotts_Monopoly >> Top 30 annoying fanboys << Which foolish nerd stereotype do you fall under? Dave and Rob have compiled this spotter's guide for e4. To be honest, it was so long ago we'd actually forgotten everything about it. Spent a pleasant few minutes reading it again - you should go look at it too. http://www.e4.com/wtf/fanboys/index.html >> Pork Force << "I've just put this up - Pork Force!" ejaculates Joel Veitch. "I'm ridiculously excited about it, really think it's one of the best things I've ever done." Joel feels this way about everything he's ever done - and that's one of the reasons he's such a fricking star. Anyway, this one's a corker, so enjoy! http://b3ta.com/links/Pork_Force ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Like a Gameboy camera but in colour >> When BP spills coffee << Behind-the-scenes look at the oil company's crisis management team in all their glory. http://www.b3ta.com/links/When_BP_spills_coffee >> Caravan fail << Bunch of blokes have a bit of trouble towing a caravan out of a garage. "Well that's fucked it." http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Extreme arts & crafts activities << Death metal dad tries to keep his little daughter entertained. But how? http://snurl.com/pendulumsnextvideo >> New Ok Go video << Like all their other videos, this one is brilliant - like all their other songs this one is, eh, it's fine. Inventive fun with time-lapse, tracksuits and a friendly goose. http://www.b3ta.com/links/New_Ok_Go_Video >> Whelan & Dealin << This really made us want a Father Ted-style sitcom based on drug dealers. Or perhaps just to listen to some Irish people talking about anything at all. What a lovely accent. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Im_off_me_box >> Kitten fluff << Adorable baby cat sees a mirror for the very first time. Awwww. http://snurl.com/catsaretwats ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Redefining the word funny to mean misery * THOMAS CONDOM - jellybeanflicker writes, "Oddly, I'm asking you to ignore the batshit insane plan of whitewashing a mountain to make it look like it has snow on top (well, I know that isn't the idea, but it's about all the good it will do) Scroll down about 2/3 of the way down." http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/latin_america/103... * CLINT LOOKS LIKE CUNT - the oldest joke in the book but always wins. http://bit.ly/bpg3h7 ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Progress from the World Cup Challenge Last week we asked you to 'shop the football thingie. We're keeping the challenge open, but in the meantime... Our favourites have included: * SHINING - the vuvuzela makes a terrifying, unexpected appearance (Captain Howdy) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10091486 * 1966 - if ITV had been covering the World Cup the year wot we won (benito vasselini) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10089279 * SWERVE - Beckham's historic goal against Greece examined from a new angle (Bambleweeny 57) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10087173 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/worldcup/ >> New challenge: Mock Green Britain Day << We've all seen those annoying Green Britain Day posters with random celebs saying how green they are. And all brought to you by a company that's big, nuclear and owned by the French. Can you help improve Green Britain Day for them? And surely there's better, inappropriate people to front it? Photoshop and do your worst. Image challenge sponsored by Ecotricity who are properly green and will supply the winner with free electricity for a year (up to £500). http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/MockGreenBritainDay/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * MY GRANDMA IS BANKSY AND SHE'S BEEN OUTED IN THE ONION - helmsdeep writes, "The Onion editor Joe Randazzo tweeted a month or so ago asking if anyone had any English Grandmothers. I replied, said I did. He asked me to take some pics of her for an article. A month later this is the result...!" http://snurl.com/onionylols * MINORLY INCORRECT CULTURAL REFERENCES - WillI'mNot writes, "The Ginger Fuhrer wouldn't have bought his Matsui personal stereo in Dixons. Dixons sold Saisho, Currys sold Matsui. I'm so very sorry." Ha ha - well spotted! This is correct - it was Currys and an older boy at school had a Saturday job there and could get us 10% off anything we wanted. And we didn't have to do him sex favours or anything! * HOW TO MAKE AWFUL BOOZE - CapnChkn says, "Well! Youse guise is trying to make booze? Handy tip, take bananas. Stir them up until they're moosh, paste, etc. Add some water and sugar to get it going, then when you have all your fruits and goodies ready (I liked to use old oranges, because they would make penicillin.) add and let it ferment for 7 days. "It don tase good, but it'll getchu f**ked up!" Can somebody try this for us? We don't want to die. * CREATIONIST MUSEUM NOT IN PORTSMOUTH - lots of you including jugglinbob wrote in on this issue. "That piece in last week's newsletter about the creationist museum wasn't the one in Portsmouth. This one (although as scientifically idiotic), at least had a certain "production" quality. The one in Portsmouth not so much. Just look it up on google images. It's a disused pub." http://www.youtube.com/watch http://www.genesisexpo.co.uk/ ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Fold the world In the world of play-them-once-and-forget Flash games the current thing is to make a platformer and give it a gimmicky twist in the controls. If you want to earn a few quid on Kontraband you could do worse than spending a day brainstorming such quirks. http://www.nitrome.com/games/faultline/ ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * YOUTUBE FARTER - Crap Little Monkey wants a, "Youtube changer that adds fart noises to quiet gaps in youtube vids. Turn any speech into a fight against flatulence." * B3TAN SECRET HANDSHAKE - God_of_the_mind asks, "A friend and I were recently having a conversation regarding the freemasons, part of which was focused on their 'secret handshake' which they use to identify one another (or so I am led to believe). Anyway, wouldn't it be rather spiffing if there was a secret b3ta handshake; one which, when shaking the hand of another, would allow us to identify a fellow b3tan? Feel free to put forward the idea if anyone has any ideas how such a handshake would be carried out. Perhaps an instructional video as a guide?' * RAPE STICKS - Don't know what this means but we're filling space and that was the first thing that came out. Err. So send us some rape sticks, whatever they might be. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by planearm, @rmt_1982, Cap'n, I'm dreaming of a WhiteRussian, Pesky Young Scamp, Damocles, Sir Sand Goblin, Bob Todd, cornucopia, codepo8, Smale, @davidschneider, Skeletor, pissflaps Subjlol by monkeon. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Sickijoke via Craig.M ------------------------------------------------- What's big, Scottish and depressing? Scotland. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive