we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "THE ONE YOU READ WHILE PRETENDING IT'S THE WAITROSE NEWSLETTER #MIDDLECLASSNIGHTMARES" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * VEITCH - Makes us laugh despite ourselves * QUIZ - On books. You love books. * QUESTION - What professions do you hate the most? ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK It's like basket weaving for digital mentals >> Diamonds in my poo << "I may have diamonds in my poo," claims an amazingly glammed-up Joel Veitch, "It seems to be quite likely." Yay - this is our favourite thing of Joel's for ages and we put it down to the inspirational love of his brand new shed. http://b3ta.com/links/I_may_have_diamonds_in_my_po... >> Judge a book by its cover << "Can you tell if a book is any good just by looking at its cover?" asks enigmatic Rico Monkeon. Judge for yourself with this quiz, where you try to guess which of two books got five star reviews on amazon. Below 50% you should probably rethink a career in publishing. http://www.monkeon.co.uk/judgeabook/ >> Mini Groove Armada << "We got asked to make a low budget video for Groove Armada's 'Look Me In The Eye Sister'," explains tedriley74. "We subsequently spent a lot of late nights sticking mini models to some fake grass. Hope you like." http://www.b3ta.com/links/Mini_Groove_Armada >> Picture Consequences on your computer << "Remember that game where you draw a head, fold over the paper and then someone else draws the body and folds it over and so on?" questions ithinkanddo. "...Then you open it up and usually have either a really cool drawing or total crap that doesn't make any sense?" Here's a digital version that you can play via email or by harassing your facebook and twitter chums to help you out. http://www.drawandfoldover.com/ >> Free Adam Ant costume << "Today my friends and I sent Adam Ant some get well postcards to his new hotel," says geetoo. "To commemorate the occasion I made a Create Your Own Adam Ant costume kit." You may need adult supervision for the more elaborate bits. http://snurl.com/duranduranmask >> UGLY BLOKE REVEALS FACE << If you've caught the Bête de Jour blog, then you'll know all about Stan Cattermole’s blog about his life as an ugly man. The cult read has taken him from losing his virginity to a disabled lady, to appearing on GMTV with a bag on his head. Well, we've got a little secret, we know who Stan is. We used to work with him a couple of years back and he's just got in touch to tell us he's planning on making a grand reveal on Sunday and finally showing his face to the world. He writes, "It's been a very weird two years. I'm really glad it's all over. I'm having a party on June 4th. In a pub. You should come. Invite all your readers." http://betedejour.blogspot.com ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Good Advice No offence, but the internet is one of the last places we'd look for advice, yet last week's question has collected some lovely bits of digital hand-holding for the tentative: http://b3ta.com/questions/goodadvice/ * PUMPKINS ARE EVIL - "Once, when I was a student, I had to take a pumpkin to a Halloween party. On foot. 3 miles. Don’t ask. This pumpkin was HUGE; it was a pumpkin in need of a gastric by-pass. To avoid back strain, I cunningly devised straps so that I could wear like a rucksack. Clever girl. Leaving my room, straining against my ponderous burden, I locked my door and dropped my keys between my feet. I speedily bent forwards to pick them up... WHACK! Darkness... My pumpkin counterweight had swung forwards off my shoulders and cracked me across the back of the head, rendering me unconscious for 3 hours. Slapstick: it can happen to YOU." (HaHa!Snakes!) * BARRISTERS ARE EVIL TOO - "I wish I'd listened: Never marry a barrister. You will never win an argument for the rest of your married life... When she once said, 'I refer you to the comments you made on the 3rd of August.' in the heat of a row, I knew that any response I could ever give would be doomed to fail. The divorce wasn't that fun either. On the plus side I did use to play Zorro with her robes." (herd of chickens) * AND SO IS HOUSEWORK - "Fuck the housework and take the kids on a picnic. You've never heard anyone say, 'I had a brilliant childhood, the bathroom was always spotless...'" (twattybanjo) >> This Week's Question: Hated professions << Which profession to you hate most? Surely you've paid some jumped-up twerp with a qualification far too much for far too little recently? Foam at the mouth here: http://b3ta.com/questions/professions/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Doctor Who sex attack << Blog on how the good Doctor was recently a victim of sexual assault and what your reaction to that says about you. You're probably a far worse person than you thought you were. http://snurl.com/ohnerdsyoureallyarebusyarentyou >> Nudey CSS cleverness << Clever bit of coding - it's all perfectly safe for work, until you select all of the text and colour is applied to each letter. http://fichtre.net/yop.html >> Photos of dead Victorian children << Strange, haunting images of dead Victorian children. Apparently it was common practice back in those days. Of course, everybody in a Victorian photograph is dead by now so your mileage may vary. http://snurl.com/challengingwankmaterial >> Inappropriate children's books << An artist from Pixar has made a set of children's book illustrations, each a film adaptation that's highly inappropriate for kids. Can you guess them all? We were kind of stuck on number 4. http://snurl.com/sortoffunnyishmaybe >> Caitlin Moran interviews Lady Gaga << Journalist Caitlin Moran went and got drunk with Lady Gaga and now they are best friends forever and braid each others' hair. Also, she got a very informative interview out of it. Very, very informative. http://snurl.com/caitlinisfromwolverhampton >> The big caption << Stories from the news with a great big caption slapped on top. This could easily be the future of the newspaper cartoon. http://thebigcaption.com/ >> Awesome review of Sex and the City 2 << We're not sure at what point this brilliantly spiteful review jumps the rails and ploughs on into bile-fuelled fantasy. Maybe it's all true - in which case, we may go see SATC2, if only to make ourselves enjoyably sick with contempt (and popcorn). http://snurl.com/wouldntwithyours ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH Bean-cat "So, my flatmate's cat decided that my boyfriend's beanbag was as good a place as any to pee, meaning that it had to be washed," explains none. "So my flatmate dumped the beans into the bathtub and went to throw it in the wash. When he came back, Lily was sniffing around the tub, so he put her in it, expecting her to get scared and jump out. Instead, this is what she did..." while defecating uncontrollably. http://www.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Like TV but with not cabinet that looks like books >> The pianowl << The wondrous pianowl neither resembles an owl, nor sounds like a piano but here are instructions on how to make one for yourself. http://snurl.com/birdsarefunny >> Rap Against Rape << It's not all musical fun and games in the world of Irish hip-hop; there's a serious message too. Don't go out raping. It's wrong. Fashion fans may like to note that this is how they did retro back in the Nineties. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Rap_Against_Rape >> Pixel art documentary << Interesting examination of the pixel art and chip tune scene and how 3D is just a fad - 8-bit forever! http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Kung Fu Bear << Can this really be real? Our first thought was surely it's a bloke in a suit. Second thought - bears can't actually be shit and clumsy at everything or they'd die in the wild. Anyway, prepare to disbelieve your eyes. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Bear_FU >> Batshit-crazy I Will Always Love You << Slow start, but this Whitney Houston lip-sync act at a Filipino talent competition rapidly turns into something very, very different and quite scary. http://snurl.com/omgmentals ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Suicide would be preferable * Daffydil writes, "for the oh-so-hilarious names corner - Can I offer you a jizzachino, sir?" http://www.bj-coffee.ch/ * BUGGER GRIPS - recently a friend mentioned they were launching a product - 'grips for laptops' and we suggested renaming them bugger grips and selling them for the iPad. The silly fool only went and listened to us: http://www.buggergrips.co.uk/ ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Olympic Mascot Challenge Last week we wanted you to mock Wenlock & Mandeville, London's foolish Olympic mascots Your favourites included: * EYES - the planning committee didn't have to look far for the perfect pair of one-eyed goons (finbar) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10057931 * CCTV - cutting urban satire wrapped up in a black cloak of irony (HappyToast) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10055586 * FLAME - possibly the greatest debut post in the history of great debut posts (eatcrayons) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10063263 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/olympicmascots/ >> New challenge: Animated Albums << We found a load of animated versions of classic album covers on the internet, but we reckon you can do better. So fire up Photoshop, select a sleeve, and animate. Animate HARD. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/animatedalbums/ ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * MAKE VIZ TOP TIPS REAL - Itsallaboutcake asks, "Can b3ta make this? @VizTopTips: WALL'S. Expand your pork & ice cream empire with a range of meaty 'Breakfast Viennettas'." * NEW SHIT IPHONE APPS - RedPixelle ask, "How about a LOLCrap app that adds a random shit caption to every photo?" * 100-MINUTE EDIT OF LOST - Andeh pleads, "can someone edit together the most important 100 minutes of the whole 6 series into a feature length film that still makes sense?" * TYPING MAN-HOURS LOST - starsnip asks, "Was just wondering, due to having to type in www and . all the time. Anyone got any idea how many times the www or the . is typed in throughout the world in any given day?" Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Damocles, Manic, Hellzapoppin, imsosorry, Labia Majora Jolly Rogered, BadBadman, ccc. Top Tippery by sandettie light vessel automatic. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Sickilols via vilification. Subjlols via Griffy Savalas. ------------------------------------------------- : UNTESTED TOP TIPS THAT SOUND DANGEROUS: Do you have really hard cracked skin on your heels? Use an electric sander on your feet. Use a medium grain sandpaper. It gets a bit warm and creates a lot of very fine white dust, but works perfectly. ------------------------------------------------- From the 70s sexism corner that is sickipedia, "Iron Man is a superhero. Iron Woman is a command." http://www.sickipedia.org/ next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive