we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "THIS WEEK CONTAINING AN ASCII PIC OF MOHAMMED" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * ANIM - The Horn of Bunty * ABC - For geeks * MUSIC - Toy trumpet virtuoso ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're annoyed the Tories ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Simon Says, Robots, Blackboard and ABCs >> The Horn of Bunty << "Just a bit of fun with Doctor Simon CUHNT!" explodes noznikrap. Inventive, musical, NSFW - play along! http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Horn_of_Bunty >> Sexy Robots << Weeble writes, "It is the future and all music is made by robots. Sexy robots." This is 100% HOTTTT robot-on-robot interface procedure. http://www.weebls-stuff.com/songs/Sexy+Robots/ >> Bart's Blackboard << "Here is a little project I've done," glees MC. "Every line Bart Simpson ever put on the Springfield blackboard, written on the walls of our office." We were amused to note that two actors play Bart in this. A skinny guy who's better at skating and a fat bloke who's better at writing! http://www.b3ta.com/links/Barts_Blackboard >> Geek ABC << "Hey guys!" greets geekpub. "We recently published the ABC of geekdom, illustrating each letter with Creative Commons pictures. When you read them all together, they make a really geeky poem!" This is the very best kind of poetry - ie. it rhymes. http://www.geeksaresexy.net/2010/05/13/the-geek-al... ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Expensive Weekends Spending a lot of money can be great if you want to do it. Not so great when it is forced upon you just to get home. Laugh at debt here: http://b3ta.com/questions/expensiveweekends/ * MOUSED - "The Wynn Hotel, Las Vegas, NV - one of the finest places on this earth. They have a new club there called 'XS', which is built around a huge, shallow swimming pool, which without fail, 100s of scantily clad American bimbo wannabes throw themselves into every night. The trick is to hire a cabana by the water's edge, so the dripping wet girls have a place to enter and exit the pool; they really appreciate the free towels and drinks that cabana owners can supply them with. My mate and I hired a cabana and put down a $1000 min drinks tab with my Amex card. What a night. We were outnumbered 8-1 by desperate, stunning, nubile girls. They LOVED our cabana, they ordered vodka by the bottle and champagne by the magnum. My friend and I sat there resplendent, the stars of our very own hip-hop video, fully satisfied at such a wonderful, short-lived fantasy. But all good things must come to an end. And end they did, with the addition of a $2,400 drinks bill. The waitress brought my card on a silver tray and asked me to sign, I drunkenly pointed to my far drunker mate, who grabbed the receipt and duly signed it. I was too pissed to care. Plus one of the girls had accepted my invitation to come use one of the luxuriant Wynnn bathrobes that I had in my room... The next day, we struggled to remember our total bill. A brief search of my mate's wallet found the copy receipt and the enormity of our overspend hit home. But closer inspection of it revealed a get out clause. I immediately called Amex and complained that I'd misplaced my card between 1am and 6am, somewhere in the greater Las Vegas area. Back home I was sent a pack by Amex. It contained a list of all my expenditure during that time, plus photocopies of my signed receipts. And there it was. The biggie. A receipt for $2,400.00 spent at XS Club, Wynn Hotel. Agreed and signed by a 'Mr M. Mouse Esq.' They re-credited every cent onto my next statement." (Albert Marshmallow) * TROUSERED - "I used to live in Brighton and there were a few hills in the area that people used to paraglide from. It looked great, soaring around like a bird high above the clouds. So I went down to the paragliding shop and took their beginner deal: for £2k you got lessons until you passed and your 'wing' all included in the price. You only got your wing once you'd passed your test and got your certificate. I learnt as much as I could about it but every weekend it was pissing down with rain. It was a few months till it was finally the perfect day, not too windy, not too wet. I was shown how to strap myself in and I stood on the edge of the hill. The old instructor dude was holding on to my trousers and saying 'I daren't let you go until you've had a bit more experience.' Then it started raining. The next day the company went bust. So two grand to stand on a hill with an old dude holding my trousers..." (browser) * PARKED - "Friend of my wife's used to get all sorts of stick from her boyfriend about her parking ability. Back in January 2008 while out shopping she'd managed to reverse into a pillar in a carpark, bashing out the rear lights on one side of her car. Approximate cost: £150. Her boyfriend gave her the usual exasperated lecture about how she should be more careful and that spending £150 to repair this kind of damage was a waste of money, especially so soon after Christmas. A few days later he was part of the flight crew that stacked a 150-tonne Boeing 777 into the tarmac at Heathrow. Approximate cost: £150,000,000. He's no longer allowed to criticise her parking." (e_logic) >> This Week's Question: Best advice << We'd like the best advice you've been given. Beckon us over to your deathbed and whisper to us here: http://b3ta.com/questions/goodadvice/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Extreme body mods bloke << Interview with a young man about his modifications. Contains cock and balls and whatnot. Although loads of people say they don't regret their tattoos, we wonder if you can find ANYONE who says, "I wish I'd got more tattoos when I was younger. They'd be looking really shit by now. Wicked." http://snurl.com/twatsyeah >> Banana facts << Hey you! Yes you! Put down that banana and look at it - did you know it's a sterile hybrid that can't reproduce? It's the mule of the fruit kingdom and what's more, every single one is a clone - just like those nice Aryan Hitler children in The Boys from Brazil. http://snurl.com/bananafuck >> All your botnet are belong to us << Long, long read here - all about a rather frightening internet worm called Conficker which has infected millions of computers and nobody knows what it's for. If we were a terrorist state we'd probably try to buy it and use it to bring down half the internet. What we're saying - it's interesting to speculate what this might be all about. http://snurl.com/biglongread >> The new digital sweatshops << Crowdsourced web 2.0 stuff means there's millions of people out there willing to work for pennies. These people will be your online bitches for $5 a go. Our favourite one is the guy who lives on a beach and will take a photo of your message drawn in sand. fiverr - things people will do for a fiver. http://www.fiverr.com/ >> Dr Wakefield/MMR scare explained ... << Paging Dr Ben Goldacre, Paging Dr Ben Goldacre, here's a comic book version of the MMR story for those too lazy to read Bad Science. Frankly Ben's publisher should do a deal here and do comic versions of Goldacre's work for the kids' market - it would sell like cocaine at a Bullingdon club party. http://tallguywrites.livejournal.com/148012.html >> Shit my kids ruined << Hey 30-something childless readers. You know that cool flat you've finally made look perfect? Once you have kids, all this is FUCKED. Trust us; we're already there. We've lost one old VCR to toast insertion, three DVD players and we've aged about 15 years in the last five. Woo hoo! http://shitmykidsruined.com/ >> Abandoned Russian wooden house << Perez Hilton has just flogged his web bollocks for $20m, and if a rich fool made us a similar offer for B3ta then we're living here: http://snurl.com/ournewhouseyeah ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Like TV but with a big sideways Qwerty remote >> Bestest birthday ever << If you don't have a big smile after watching this then there's something wrong with you. (Actually, we only smile at others' misfortune.) http://www.b3ta.com/links/Bestest_birthday_ever >> The Empire Strikes Back (1950) << Another nice little 'premake'. You have to admire the production effort that's gone into this. http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Empire_Strikes_back_... >> Important First Aid video << Want to know how to do CPR? Well, these cheesy Lynx deodorant ad-style lezzers will get your pulse racing again. Quite how advertising has got so sexist again is one for the polyversity types. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Important_first_aid_vide... >> Toy trumpet virtuoso << Blokey plays old rave tune on a toy trumpet whilst his stoner mates gasp and giggle. You'll be wanting to practise this too. http://www.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : PLUG FOR FAMOUS MAGAZINE BLOKE James Brown - founder of genre-defining mens' mag Loaded) writes - "There are few good paper magazines around any more so I thought I'd create something that was a bit like Jack online, that we could update from anywhere. Spent years surfing so I thought I'd try and turn it into something productive all in one place. Our motto? We can't concentrate, so why should you? Could we have a link on B3TA newsletter tomorrow? Would make a big difference in our early days." Oh go on then! http://snurl.com/saboyeah ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Fake Science Challenge Last week we wanted you to tell us the untruth about science Your favourites included: * EVERYTHING - the universe explained via the medium of moon, penguin, bacon and Popemobile (spinoza) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10045778 * EARTHQUAKE - sometimes the science is much simpler than you think (Mu) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10045667 * POLAR - the most convincing explanation of global warming we've yet seen. Deny and die (Monkeon) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10050286 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/fakescience/ >> New challenge: Wenlock & Mandeville << "Wenlock and Mandeville will help inspire kids to strive to be the best they can be." That's what officials are saying about London's Olympic mascots. We're saying Photoshop them. Mercilessly. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/olympicmascots/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * B3TAN ACTUALLY READS AN AD WE RUN - Fluffy elephants writes, "Some of my friends entered that Sty TV competition. I can't link to their actual entry but you can watch it by clicking on the link and then going on 'Chantelle and Stacey's Showreel'. If you feel like being nice you can check it out and vote for them. Or just watch their Lady GaGa & Beyonce - Telephone Parody. Oh, also mildly NSFW due to swears and girls in their underwear." http://www.stytv.co.uk/vote.php * PENIS MEDUSA - "Been done a few times already" points out notorious spoilsport Captain Freedom. http://www.pileup.com/babyart/blog/ * WE READ EVERYTHING YOU SEND US BUT SOMETIMES A BIT LATE - "Hi B3ta," writes Bela Lugosi's Dad, a few weeks ago, "I've been doing this blog showcasing unfortunate political (or sporting) photo-ops for a while, and just today have decided to name the phenomena 'billboardbombs' in a vain attempt to secure a place in history. Could you possibly pimp it in the newsletter this Friday, the last before polling day?" http://conferencepear.blogspot.com/ * B3TA IN THE PAPERS - people pull their hair out trying to think of amazing creative ideas but the truth is timing is everything. By a happy stroke of luck the Olympics timed the announcement of their new mascots for approximately the time we announce our new challenge - about 7:00pm on Weds. We knew whatever they picked it would be a source of mockery, so we made our challenge "photoshop the mascots." By the next day we were in at least three major UK papers. Well done B3tans! http://snurl.com/thestandardb3ta http://snurl.com/telegraphb3ta http://snurl.com/dailymailb3ta ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Electric Box We've lost our life to shitty iPhone games and our current obsession is Electric Box - a visually lacklustre take on the early 90s classic The Impossible Machine. We're up to about level 28 and we keep going for extra shits as an excuse to play more. Linky goes to flash version. http://www.kongregate.com/games/TwinkleStarGames/e... ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * THE ARTIFICIAL CREATION OF LIFE - oh bollocks, J. Craig Venture has got there first. Maybe B3tans can raise the dead? * HETROSEXUAL PEOPLE COMING OUT - Agent Muu suggests, "let's test the testicular fortitude of the newsletter's readers: b3tards set up a hidden camera and record themselves sitting their parents down and telling them they're gay. Obviously this will be funnier if most of the videos are done by straight people. Just think of the wide range of reactions, and the portrait it would paint of the state of tolerance in today's world (or lack thereof). It'll be exactly like Borat, except replacing Borat with being gay." * A GUIDE TO BUMMING - written by a cat. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Evil Lu, Pew Pew Pew! Lasers! Herb Alpert's Taxi driver, FishNChimps, @trullock, jakedamusss, Abe Baginsky, Bliss/Full, iowaseven. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Sickijoke nicked from wonderbrawl. This new "in private" browsing mode in Internet Explorer is rubbish. Everyone in the internet cafe can still see me wanking. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Don't bother reading The Times, The Sun or The Daily Mail. ------------------------------------------------- This issue is dedicated to Jessie. http://b3ta.com/board/10050833 next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive