we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "A GOOD DAY TO BURY BAD NEWS" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * HEADLINES - Something about kittens! Lol! * MORE STUFF - Probably a question thing * EVEN MORE - Maybe comedy rude vegetable. Rofl. ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ "We stayed up all night ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | watching the election ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Other than pressing ctrl R and typing sol.exe >> Just had a wank? << "Record your strokes here!", writes Punked, "As taken from one of the Newsletter ideas some while ago (sorry if it's bindun)." http://www.justwanked.co.uk/ >> Election debate rap battle << Dan Bull writes, "In a bid to appeal to the younger electorate, the leaders of the three main parties have agreed to a fourth televised debate, in the form of a rap battle.” (To be honest now the election is over this is a bit out of date but we enjoyed the item so in it goes.) http://www.b3ta.com/links/Election_debate_rap_batt... >> Vote Your Own Adventure << How does a Choose Your Own Adventure book play out if each decision is voted on by everyone who has ever played it? Only Monkeon knows the answer - and you if you click. http://www.monkeon.co.uk/voteyourown/ ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Arch-nemesis Last week we asked if you had someone who just wouldn't go away and leave you alone. And how you dealt with the situation. Luckily, none of you have done a Danny Dyer and we won't have to write a lame press release about "production errors": http://b3ta.com/questions/nemesis/ * DANCE DANCE REVOLUTION - "I used to have a fairly hellish hour-and-a-half commute to work. On public transport accompanied by the symphony of white noise squirted forth from the mobile phones of various little oiks. If I had my headphones and charged my iPod, it was fine, but there were many days when my life was near ruined for a good half-hour stretch. It became clear to me that I was going to have to strike back at the heart of the problem. Not by getting angry, oh no, but by a much stealthier method. I pretended to enjoy the music one of them was playing. I looked over, giving little appreciative nods if he caught my eye. He looked away quickly, but the fear was clearly setting in, I was beginning to turn the tide, and claim back my train. His mild homophobia alone wasn't switching the music off, so the nuclear option was called for: I stood up, crossed the carriage, and began what can only be described as a 'dance', to his music. Now, I am on the wobbly side of portly, and my dancing skill is (to put it politely) not too high, but where I was lacking in these areas, I made up for in brute enthusiasm and pelvic thrusting. I launched my ample frame around that carriage like I was trying to dislodge a troublesome ferret from inside my trousers. These moves were accompanied by that 'special' facial gesture. Eyes scrunched closed, head back, a delicate bite of the lower lip - nothing but sheer, orgasmic, animal pleasure. Oddly, he seemed to decide fairly soon after that he didn't really want to listen to music any more. Check. Mate." (Serotonicity) * SUPER POTATO - "There's a guy at work, Dan, who was trying to lose weight, but still wanted to have a jacket potato a few times a week. Instead of cheese and beans, he'd just have beans, but the guy who works in the sandwich shop kept getting this wrong, giving him both cheese and beans. So Dan decided to be extra clear about it. 'Look, mate, you keep giving me cheese AND beans and I just want beans. Just beans. Alright?' 'Yeah, yeah, no problem mate. Just beans...' Back at the office, and sure enough, there's a nice big pile of grated cheese on top of the beans. Next day, and he checks it in the shop, "Well this has cheese in it..." Another potato is served up. Again, he checks it. Again, there's a great big pile of cheese. I'm not quite sure how I'd deal with the situation, and I can understand that it was extremely frustrating, but throwing the potato at the guy and then dragging him over the counter whilst screaming 'NO CHEESE MOTHERFUCKER! NO CHEESE!' didn't go down too well, and Dan now does his own jacket potato and beans in the office microwave." (SnowyTheRabbit) * FINISH HIM! - "For two years at school, before he got expelled a bigger, older kid called Mark bullied me relentlessly. Culminating in one dinner break where he and his mates trapped me at the bottom of a staircase (they locked the doors) and stood on the floor above hawking green phlegm at me and kicking the crap out of me if I tried to get past them and escape. This went on for the best part of an hour. Some years later, after he'd been kicked out for being a thickie thug, he was in the local paper having jumped out of a window after being interrupted during a burglary. He'd landed on wrought iron railings, perforating his bowel because one of the spikes went up his arse. I couldn't have imagined a better comeuppance if I'd tried." (shinyscalp) >> This Week's Question << Breasts. Like our ill-fated "Penis" question, but there's two of them. Oh dear: http://b3ta.com/questions/breasts/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Flickr trannies << PJ writes, "Flickr Explore lets you browse a map of the world and see the best that the world's photographers have to offer. Why is it that when you look at the map of the UK, so many pictures of really really bad trannies show up?" http://www.flickr.com/map >> Rent the Spaced flat << Three bedroom flat - approx £600 per month per person and comedy geeks outside taking photos and giggling every weekend. http://snurl.com/spacked >> Gives me hope ...<< "Have you ever featured givesmehope?", asks Mike Fishcake, "It's the exact opposite of fuck my life and is absolutely lovely to read if you're a big soft sentimental sap. Like me." And if you're very mean and nasty like us, you can say "fuck my life" at the end of each story and it becomes quite a different site altogether. http://www.givesmehope.com >> Apple dating site << So you're an Apple fanboy and the only woman you'd like to meet also shares your geek obsession for Steve Job's finest bits of future landfill? Then hop on board because this dating site is for you. Actually not a bad idea as Apple stuff is rather expensive so it's a subtle way of saying to women, "the blokes are geeks but at least they're not deadbeat geeks." http://cupidtino.com/ >> Meowmania << Click the cat and it meows. Compelling in a slightly frightening way. We await the youtube video of using this to freak out a kitten. http://meowmania.jqln.org/ >> If Mario was designed now... << Christ it would be full of bullshit. http://snurl.com/marioyeah ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH How about a beatboxing dog? Actually you might not go aah but those in the remix communities might have found a phat new beat for their wicked super mash ups. http://www.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Written with one liners coz fuck, we're late * SADDEST FILM EVER - Cat paws dead cat chum. http://www.youtube.com/watch * DREADFULLY CLEVER AD - that took us a second watch to grasp it. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Mr_W:2 * WEIRD CRYING MAN - also worth watching is the autotune version: http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Best_Cry_Ever * OVER HANDED GUITAR PLAYING WOMAN - like a slide guitar technique but without the slide bit. http://www.liveleak.com/view ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Funny as in shit This week's entry comes from someone calling himself SpunkyMcSpunkbubble, and as we say to the children, "those with kettles shouldn't throw stones at blacks", anyway, he says, "The festival organiser's maybe one for funny name corner." And you know what? He's correct. http://snurl.com/bollockhead ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the James Bond Challenge Last week we wanted you to film James Bond on the cheap Your favourites included: * SOCIAL - if no-one will finance a film, you can at least storyboard the plot via Facebook (Captain Howdy) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10025725 * KILL - grim news for Bond as his license expires (yanmania...) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10028081 * JAWS - 007's most fearsome foe crops up in classic meme (Seaman Gabber) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10025787 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/jamesbond/ >> New challenge: Ross Kemp << Former soap star Ross Kemp is probably the UK's toughest man, whether he's winning the war in Afghanistan or saving the Amazon rainforest. Photoshop him, and his lovely bald head: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/rosskemp/ BONUS ELECTION BIT - drbroon writes, "I made a compilation of stuff made by b3tans for the election compos. NSFW because of some swears in the musics. Thanks and well done to the image-makers, I had a lot of chuckles making this." http://www.b3ta.com/links/General_Election_2010_by... ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * RATHERGOOD ADVERTISING FOR MICROSOFT? - Jason Grayson saw this in the Metro and we did ask Joel about it and didn't get an email back and can't be arsed to chase it now. http://moby.to/2f3bdo * B3TAN MP GETS 84 VOTES - let's hope next time we get Proportional Representation and we can bump that up to several thousand votes to get some true geeks represented in our shitty parliament. http://snurl.com/tomlooksgoodasapirate * CONGRATULATIONS TO DAVE AND SIAN - Dave co-writes the B3ta newsletter and recently married his now-wife Sian at London Zoo. You'll like the photos. http://snurl.com/theotherdaveinthenews ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Hue shift Our colour vision is a bit dodgy in the old red / green area and that means we never try very hard on games that require careful observation of hue. Basically we're saying this game is racist and oppressing us. Thanks JamesG for making us feel bad. http://www.kongregate.com/games/ddrei/hue-shift ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by SetecAstronomy, Tom O'Bedlam, Michelle Obama's Stalker, Jemimah Knight, Mike Fishcake. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. ------------------------------------------------- My friend and her girlfriend just gave me a lovely TAG Heuer for my birthday. Guess they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch." http://www.sickipedia.org/ next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive