we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "PALLBEARERS GO ROUND THE OUTSIDE, ROUND THE OUTSIDE, ROUND THE OUTSIDE" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * VOTING - We teach you voter apathy * DAILY MAIL - This week's love letter is a quiz * RICHARD MADELEY - Utterly mashed up for you ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Please please save ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. We'll write crap jokes for you too. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Votes, Cancer, Madeley, Crisps and Cunnilingus >> "Your vote is pointless" << "Hello," says Martin Petts, "I've made a site that shows voters how utterly powerless we are in the general election." It's slightly dispiriting stuff but fascinating. http://www.voterpower.org.uk >> Daily Mail Big C Quiz << "Can you tell what the Daily Mail has reported as causing cancer?" asks Monkeon. If you can get 100%, seek professional help because you're thinking like the Mail - it might be brain cancer. http://www.monkeon.co.uk/bigcquiz/ >> Madeley Mash << "I made this tune a while back," confesses swedemason, "But thought I'd have a crack at a video seen as there is a bit of a Madeley drought at the moment." Thank God, thank God, the Richard Madeley drought is over at last. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Madeley_Mash >> Retro crisps << "For those of a certain age," begins mister_bronson_from_grange_hill, "My collection of early 1980's crisp packets may bring back fond nostalgic memories of school lunch-times." Yes, yes, we know - we're linking to a Facebook group, but all these crisp packets made us wonderfully nostalgic. http://www.facebook.com/group.php >> Shaven Haven << Kunt is back, with a new vid for the song 'Shaven Haven'. "It features James Buckley (Jay off the Inbetweeners) putting his succesful acting career on the line with his gritty portrayal of a ruthless gang leader in a violent urban street war. That sounds quite good actually, so much better than me and my divvy mates twatting around doing appalling breakdancing on a bit of lino by the Thames." http://www.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Prejudice Last week we asked for your experiences of prejudice or if indeed you had found yourself to be prejudice. Worth reading for Leo Sasquatch's brutally honest bit of self examination and the huge argument in response to EuroSong's post: http://b3ta.com/questions/prejudice/ * CROMWELL - "Visiting the other half's family in Lisburn, Norn Iron, I found myself sitting outside a club in Belfast conversing with a friend. Some local skanks overheard, spotted my English accent and came wading in calling me, in no particular order, a squaddie, gay, and uneducated... all of which I laughed off, and they ended up being very friendly. Then their fat bearded gimli-alike friend came over and loudly proclaimed, "I don't like Oliver Cromwell!" and fixed me with his very best withering hard-man stare. "Never met him, little bit before my time mate," I replied, "while we're on the topic of cunts though, when are you lot going to apologise for Bono?" He took rather a shine to me after that and insisted on buying me a drink. Never thought I'd say it, but thanks Bono! You cunt." (pete l'oaf) * TAKEAWAY - "Not me but a mate, heading back into her block of student flats at about midnight saw a Chinese guy outside the door. He was standing there in a baseball cap and was holding a bag full of takeaway. "Oh," she said, "I didn't realise you delivered this late." "I don't," he said, "this is my dinner. I live here." (Puddle of Sugar) * BIGOTED - "My girlfriend dumped me with an email telling me that I am "dyslexic and bigoted". For fucks sake, even if I did have dyslexia it shouldn't be used as a reason to dump someone. And I do not have big toes." (emadex) >> This Week's Question << We'd like the words and phrases that annoy you. Marketing bollocks, buzzword bingo, or your mum saying "fudge" when she really wants to swear like a trooper. Talk to us here: http://b3ta.com/questions/buzzwords/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Home printing is killing graphic design << BPI Director of Communications caught chatting about photocopying a greetings card, on the day the DE Bill was passed. Entertaining shitstorm follows. http://www.flickr.com/photos/revdancatt/4501870721... >> Don't steal from a nerd << Bloke gets burgled, phone, laptop, the usual stuff. The difference being that he then uses the software on his GPS mobile to track down where it's all been taken. All vey lovely, on the assumption it's true and not some weird software ad. http://snurl.com/naughtyboys >> Star Trek between shots << Nice photos of models, sets, actors and props from old-school Star Trek. Unconventionally lovely. http://www.flickr.com/photos/birdofthegalaxy/ >> The secret of pi << Somehow we never realised this before. Doh. http://snurl.com/whencomebackbringpi >> Two nuns & a drum machine << It sounds like the set-up to a joke, but this recently-surfaced religious musical oddity is a brilliant and eerie affair. http://snurl.com/downloadthistoyourzune >> Troll cats! << Cute cats, with anti-social internet messages. http://trollcats.com/ >> Bunch of trolls << No more visiting forums. The entertaining exploits of internet trolls are now available to enjoy in handy blog form. http://www.helpfeedthetroll.com/ >> Bunny of the day << The world's finest rabbit photography, updated every day. http://bit.ly/3lMZJI ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Like a Casio camera watch but without a strap >> Standing cat << Now they can stand on two legs, it's only a matter of time before they evolve thumbs and then they won't need us for anything. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Thats_a_winner >> What a Wonderful World death metal << Masterful redubbing of Louis Armstrong. The much angrier track is strangely plausible. http://bit.ly/aPSetN >> Old arcade games attack New York << Pixels on the warpath in Manhattan, this is even better than you're probably imagining it to be. http://snurl.com/pixelbasatrads >> Chris Kamara - sports reporter of the year << Chris Kamara is a total legend. Here's one of the many reasons why. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Chris_Kamara_reporter_of... >> Bafflingly terrible voice << What's going on in this interview? We haven't a clue. Brazilian tranny keeps repeating the same garbled phrase. http://snurl.com/omgweirdvoice Whatever it is, the interwebs seem to love it: http://www.b3ta.com/links/Terrible_Voice_Remix_Pok... ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER We'd rather be the 'Lucky Pierre' in the current horror film smash The Human Centipede than run this section again but we're forced to because our readers needs are more important than our own sanity, so here goes. Rusty T. Rombone writes, "Here's a cracker for the funny name corner:" http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaylord_Silly BTW: We've thought of a new way to derail innocent chit-chat, when someone asks a simple question answer with, "I don't mind, It's no skin off my penis." ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Animal Film Challenge Last week we wanted you to replace human actors with animals Your favourites included: * SHINING - altogether more terrifying than the original (Faceburger) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9989723 * COW - not the kind of thing you'd ever want to see in 3D (rmoola) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9988439 * SHINING II - a sequel, but with added horse (Fresh Water Mole) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9989417 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/animalfilms/ >> New challenge: Photoshop The Election << A general election challenge - well four challenges - we'll keep them open until the actual election day. We'll make some funky graphs out of the entries - as we'll have our own anti-election of mockery. Who will be the most mocked? http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/generalelectionphoto... http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/generalelectionphoto... http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/generalelectionphoto... ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * JOEL MAKES ANOTHER KITTEN AD - it's dreadfully good of course but we do wonder about Joel being wheeled out aged 80 to do this again and again. Veitch writes, "It's a tribute to the greatest music video of all time, the immortal Wired For Sound by Cliff Richard. In 10 seconds." http://snurl.com/veitchydoeshiskittenthing * MORE SCHEMES TO MAKE PEOPLE MOVE OUT - the possibly sociopathic Bad Horsey writes, "I once left a flatshare after a massive falling-out with the cunt of a landlady / flatmate. The last thing that I did before I left was to get hold of a depot hypodermic - the big ones used for oil-based injections - and injecting the best part of a pint of milk into her pillows and mattress. I'm told that it very quickly developed a personality all of its own and that her young man left her not long afterwards." * THE CURSE OF GOLDEN EYE - sauronwibble writes, "When I was about 16 a friend of me & my 'group' went missing after a underage drunken sesh in the local. We all skipped school/college and went searching everywhere we knew he might be, to no avail. One evening with our parents forcing us to rest, eat, etc, we got a call that his body had been found. We were playing N64 Goldeneye at the time and we were casually shooting each other to take our mind of of it. I Never touched it again. He'd stopped for a piss on the way home along a flooded river and slipped in. He drowned." ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Gosh the internet is fast A few days back Xkcd ran a comic about a hellish version of tetris where the objects don't fall straight: http://xkcd.com/724/ A few days later it exists - completely unplayable of course. http://www.swfme.com/view/1046212 BTW: When we're dead we're leaving crap things in our will to famous people just to irritate and puzzle them. Like a hoover to Paul McCartney. ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * MURDER VIRUS'S - surely science could make a virus that checks someone's DNA and if it didn't match, it replicated to another human, and if it did it killed them? First on our list would be everyone behind the #DEBill crap, including the BPI, the house of lords and parliament too. * A CURE FOR GETTING OLD - we're old enough now, we'd like it to stop. * AN OFF SWITCH FOR MODERN COMMUNICATIONS - just one button that stopped twitter, facebook, email, mobile phones the lot until you were ready to deal with it all again. We'd also like this button to make a breathing out sound of relief and give us a biscuit. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @itsthatlady, Mike Trinder, Avast, Wayland_smithy, t0ria, weaver, gnuchu, TownsendsPublisher, Spammer cuntface, HappyToast, Willwillwritehiswill, follymoff. Top Tippery by MrOli Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Sickipedia via sweetlikechocolate. Subjlols via Bela Lugosi's Dad. Masthead via Tribs. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Why not try tossing over your favourite cerial? (Tip stolen from, iirc, a packet of Sunmaid raisins) ------------------------------------------------- You gotta feel sorry for bees. How unlucky can you get? Black AND Ginger. http://www.sickipedia.org/ next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive