we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "MAY CONTAIN JOKES ABOUT THE BUDGET, BY PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW ECONOMICS" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * AWKWARD - Rob's football song * IGNORANT - Your tales of naivety * INCEST - in Star Wars ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're wanking on ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Sport, Chat, Drugs and Lou Lou >> Two Kittens Chatting - Translated << "So, I watched this vid today," explains Slurpy J, "and decided to use Adobe Cat Translator Pro to see what they were really saying... Turns out Dave the dog is a bit filthy." http://snurl.com/twocatchat >> David Dimbleby gets mashed up* << "*only in a video sense," reassures matt_loves_comedy. The legendary BBC broadcaster gets off his face, in this mischievous documentary re-edit. http://b3ta.com/links/David_Dimbleby_gets_mashed_u... >> Don't bring Lou Lou << The Twisted Omentum's singing, dancing cats bring back the spirit of the Roaring Twenties, with this lovely comic song. Great bit of Charleston too. http://b3ta.com/links/Dont_bring_Lou_Lou >> I Feel Awkward When Blokes Talk Sport << Your ginger Fuhrer writes -"Mushy Bees stuck up a Facebook post mentioning that every 4 years he gets commissioned to do a World Cup video despite having little interest in the subject. This made me wonder what my World Cup song would be? So I tried to tell my truth rather than go 'yay! footie!'" Video starring drawings by Mrs Fuhrer. http://b3ta.com/links/I_Feel_Awkward_When_Blokes_T... ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Amazing displays of ignorance Last week we asked for your tales of the stupid, From people who don't know that alt+f4 speeds up your browser to Allisade's awesome, sleep deprived odyssey to Bath, it's all here: http://b3ta.com/questions/stupidity/ * STRAWBERRY - "Back when I still needed to be accompanied to public lavatories by my dad, I went to wash my hands then asked my dad if I could have a sweetie from the vending machine on the wall. "Err, those aren't sweets, son." "So why are they strawberry flavoured?" A voice from a cubicle piped up with, "Good luck explaining that one, mate!" (Redalien) * CHILLI - "One day, Manni asked out of the blue what the name of the hottest pepper known to mankind was. Poor Manni. He didn't stand a chance as I happily spoonfed him the utter bullshit that the hottest pepper known to mankind is in fact the Morningwood Bellend pepper. About 6" to 8" long, girth variable, pinkish in colour with a purple tip, and, if handled correctly, produces about a teaspoonful of seeds. And I told him they sold it in the Morrisons round the corner. And off he toddled. And then returned, about half an hour later, blushing, and loudly calling me a bastard to all who would listen." (jim_bob) * ID - "All alone in the big bad London and I was getting my first fridge delivered. Charged by my Dad's advice of not letting anyone in without ID, I asked the delivery man if he had any. "Yes," he replied, "your fucking fridge." (allthatglittersisglitter) >> This Week's Question << How clean is your house? Tell us about squalid homes or obsessive cleaners: http://b3ta.com/questions/filth/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> 30 best print ads << Enjoyable gallery of clever, funny images from print advertising. Oh print, we'll miss you when you're gone. http://snurl.com/30funnyprintads >> Alien vs. Pooh << Utterly charming sci-fi horror revisit to the Hundred Acre Wood, with Pooh, Piglet, Chestburster and all their friends. http://godxiliary.com/alienvspooh/Medium/ >> Eating off The People's Princess << Pics of half-eaten dinners on Princess Diana memorial plates. Funny, slightly nauseating. http://eatingoffthepeoplesprincess.tumblr.com/ >> "Nowhere in the Bible does Jesus have a sword fight" << The return of crank email man David Thorne. This time it's the school chaplain who feels the sting of David's 'send mail' button. http://www.27bslash6.com/easter.html >> Anatomy of a hashtag: #cashgordon << Nice graphical rendition of the Conservative party's hugely embarrassing 2-hour dabble with social media. http://snurl.com/cashgordon ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Like a flickbook of gameboy cameras ON ACID >> Burnistoun - 2 litre bottle of ginger << We caught this comedy show on the iPlayer this week - excellent stuff, though it appears to only be on proper telly if you live in Scotland. http://snurl.com/bottleofginger >> Lady Gaga - Telephone << A parody of that ubiquitous Lady Gaga vid, done by blokes from the north of England. Think we can leave it at that. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Lady_Gaga_Telephone >> US conservative girl's protest song << Poe's Law states that at a certain level of ridiculousness, it's impossible to tell whether something's a parody or not. This fails so hard. Or it's brilliant. http://snurl.com/theydontreallycare >> Pilipinas Got Talent << The best transvestite horse impression ever! Frankly, the Filipino version of this show pisses all over ours. Also, Filipino Simon Cowell is nicer. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Pilipinas_Got_Talent >> Incestual Undertones in Star Wars << Han Solo finally twigs. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Incestual_Undertones_in_... >> 'Adventures of a Lady's Butt' << Music video that entirely centres around watching an animated girl's bottom as she walks away. Hypnotic. http://www.boredville.com/31753/The-Adventures-of-... >> Cleaning a vintage Ferrari << We did not see where this was going. http://snurl.com/vintage_ferrari ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Now 100% less funny and it's official! * INTENTIONALLY PHALLIC LOGO - Somehow they manage to pull this off. http://www.londonspermbank.com/index.html * BUTT DRUGS - These guys go around making funny little internet ads for local businesses. Here's what they did for a chemist. http://www.youtube.com/watch * AJ SPLATT - wrote a paper about the urethra. (Thx Dr Ben Goldacre) http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/7195759 * THE STORY HE WAS BORN TO WRITE - All over the internet and too perfect to be true. BTW: Seeing as The Times is about to go behind a paywall this story might be their last thing that ever goes viral. *makes internet sad face* http://snurl.com/byebyetimeslols ------------------------------------------------- : TUBEWHACKS Words contained in only one tube name Last week we were banging on about this bored-on-the-tube game people play and you send in some of your favourites: * "I sat opening the site just now, and my other half looked across. I explained what it is, and completed the sentence 'well it's pretty much completely...' with typing in 'POINTLESS'. Needless to say my very first word on the site created a TubeWhack. Bobs yer uncle, it's Archway." (MCQ) * "Shepherds Bush is the only station that doesn't contain any letters from the word 'cottaging'. Amazing." (Ash) * "Through intensive research using that TubeWhacker thingy I have found that the made up word "anushole" has at least one letter in every London Tube station name." (bogeypie) * "Only one tube station contains none of the letters in 'Brazilian'. On typing that word in, just like in real life, 'Brazilian' trims everything except for 'Mudchute'. It put me off my tea." (Drivelcast) * "...and only Acton Town doesn't contain any letters from 'kiddyfiddler' - not entirely sure what that proves, but it's a novel twist." (concurrency) ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Awesome Art Challenge Last week we wanted you to make art more awesome, and you entered about a billion pics. This was the biggest uptake we've had for a challenge in living memory. Your favourites included: * MONDRIAN - this image makes us feel somewhat sick (custard) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9971945 * HIRST - the famous Brit-art shark makes its inevitable appearance (clapnonista) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9968036 * HULK - wrestling superstar Hogan crops up in Hellish scenarios (emvee) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9969646 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/makeartmoreawesome/ >> New challenge: Memequake! << MEMEQUAKE! Take images that are popular on b3ta or the internet in general, and combine them to create as much meme action as you can muster. Make them amazing http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/memequake/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * SAUSAGE 2.0 - sausageit writes, "Your last newsletter caught my interest when mentioning the game of replacing words in things with 'sausage' A group of us invented a similar game, involving replacing words with cornflake, which was extermely funny at the time. Jurassic Cornflake being a highlight... Anyway, it inspired me to create a site, dunno if its what you had in mind! Its pretty simple, but looks a bit Web 2.0, and has twitter involved...... http://www.mintfresh.me.uk/sausageit/ * DID B3TA FOOL THE RADIO? - alspicer writes, "Putting your clocks forward... Not that I listen to Radio2 as a rule, but my mum likes it. I was sipping a cup of her unmatched tea when I overheard Steve Wright In The Afternoon apologising for having erroneously told his listeners to put their clocks forward. Do you really want Steve Wright reading B3ta? I think he should be blocked." * JOEL IS LISTED AS OFFICIALLY ANNOYING - Shazzoir from Australia writes, "Argh! Joel Veitch's Spong Monkeys made No. 9 in the Top 13 'Most annoying ad characters', but the dick writing the article spelled their name wrong in the listing! D'oh!" http://snurl.com/veitchy ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Time Snail! Impress your pub chums with snail facts: * A snail's anus is situated above its head and it can literally shit on its own neck * The snail has a "everted penis" which means it's inside out and you shouldn't google for pics as it made us feel a little sick * Snails are completely deaf so don't mind if you call them a "spazzy, one-footed cunt minge" Or play this amazing Time Snail game: http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/games/timesnail ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * ANSWERS TO MAX'S QUESTION, "I have an annoying house-mate and he is really pissing me off. He bangs doors when he comes in at night, he monopolises the television and takes over the sitting room, blows his nose in the hallway and other generally annoying stuff. I was wondering if you could ask your readers is there anything I can do to deal with him or maybe get rid of him altogether." * BLIND FROGGER - You play a visually-impaired frog and you have to cross a motorway. So basically the whole game works with headphones and bleeping stereo sound. * SLUGGER - Again like Frogger but you play a slug that's too slow to cross the insanely fast cars on the motorway. You win by eventually realising you can press down and go off and live your days in a field and raise little slug children and not bother with the motorway at all. As WOPR said in War Games, "The only winning move is not to play." Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @dianainheaven, wallop, lennym, ben goldacre, Vulva, jimkopelli, Peter Davison, Meg Pickard, barryheadwound, intesvensk, MrA, planearm, iainhasaface, Redsushi! Whoop! Whoop! and mrmonkfish. Subjlos via Wasp Box and emvee. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Sickijoke via nobscratcher . ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Holding doors open for ladies will allow you to see more ladies' bums. (MrOli) ------------------------------------------------- Funny how a self-examination for testicular cancer easily turns into a wank. http://www.sickipedia.org/ next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive