we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "HEY YOU, THE ROCK STEADY CREW, SHOW 'EM WHAT TO DO, HAVE A WANK, DO A POO" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * PAIN - Musical Spock * HORROR - The Thing UK * WINDOWS - 3.1 in javascript ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving Robinsons ___/ _ |/_ > 10 Word Wiki << It's like Wikipedia but just the 10 words. Great concept. http://www.tenwordwiki.wikispot.org >> Channel 4 News Remix << News theme gets the full drum and bass treatment. This is what Jon Snow listens to on his iPod when he goes out happy slapping. Kudos to speedy and netgem21. http://b3ta.com/links/Channel_4_News_Remix_by_netg... >> Spock PAAAIIIINNNN << Shatner's your go-to guy when it comes to over-acting, poor Leonard Nimoy is unfairly overlooked. To redress the balance here's Jayenkai's musical remix of some prime Spocky ham. http://www.b3ta.com/links/PAAAIIIINNNN >> A Very British Thing << A one-minute remake of the 1982 John Carpenter masterpiece The Thing. "In my (weak) defence, it's intentionally cheap and silly-looking, apologises sir_spicious2000. We demand more space-horror films be set in Surrey. http://www.b3ta.com/links/A_Very_British_Thing ------------------------------------------------- : Weebl does X Factor Jonti takes his characters Weebl, Bob and Insanity Prawn Boy onto a TV talent show as judges, where they meet some oddly familiar contestants. More advertising work for Jonti in what appears to be his now-annual gig working with Cadbury's Creme Eggs. Hopefully they don't pay him with delicious chocolate money. http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/Goo+Got+Talent+1... >> Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Real-life Slapstick Last week we asked about your hilarious bumps, thumps and prat-falls: http://b3ta.com/questions/slapstick/ * CAT BURGLAR - "A police friend of my Dad's is sent out to investigate some suspicious activity in the Oxford area where he finds a house with a ladder against it, leading to an ajar bedroom window. Clearly a bit suspicious, so he climbs the old and rickety ladder to investigate. As he reaches the top he briefly glimpses a cat sitting on the bed giving him a quizzical look. I say 'briefly' because a second later there is a loud 'CRACK' and the rung snaps cleanly through the middle. He plummets rapidly, each rung snapping cleanly as he hits them, like a Looney Tunes cartoon. He hits the floor and rolls away groaning, his hands now 20% splinters. A car pulls up and the driver runs over. "What are you doing in my garden?" "Checking your house. There was a ladder going up to a window and someone reported it as suspicious!" "Oh no mate, that's just so my cat can get in" "Aren't you worried about getting burgled?" "Nah," says the guy. "I've sawed half-way through each rung" (stubbledchin) * ROUTEMASTER - "Friday evening, Oxford St. I've just left work after a couple of cheeky beers, and I spot a 73, in all its old Routemaster glory, waiting at the lights. So I run for it. And it starts moving off. So I run a bit faster. By now I have an audience - some girls looking out the back window from the top deck are cheering me on. So naturally efforts are redoubled. The bus is moving quite quickly now, and I don't know if I'll make it... But I'm there! With a gazelle-like spring, I'm on! Nice'n'safe, one foot on the platform, both hands around the pole. Phew. And the strap on the record-bag style, erm, bag, slung over my shoulder, decides to snap. And with that sudden jerk, my feet slip off the platform, my hands slide down the pole and my body ends up stretched out on the road, being dragged up London's busiest - but not, take it from me, smoothest - street. The bus is gathering speed, I'm fishtailing behind it not daring let go 'cos I have no idea what's coming behind me. After a good 150m I manage to check behind me, see the road is clear and let go, skidding and rolling to a stop. I'm not exaggerating, but this brought Oxford St to a standstill. People just stopped and stared open mouthed. I got up, brushed myself off and walked about 50 yards back to where a woman was standing, holding the remains of my bag." (FridgeBadger) * BOLLARDIER - "I once tried to impress a load of firemen who were stopped at a red light in their fire truck by leapfrogging over a bollard. Gave it a good go but forgot I had a skirt on. Cue bollard swinging straight towards my face. I was stuck, by my skirt, upside-down with my face at the bottom of a fucking bollard. one of the firemen kindly got out of his truck and un-hooked me." (nettestar) >> This Week's Question: Music << We'd like the soundtrack to your lives - what music has accompanied the great events of your life, or just what do you like to do a poo to? Talk to us here: http://b3ta.com/questions/soundtrack/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Windows 3.1 in JavaScript << Geeks rejoice! Finally the wonders of an early 90s version of Windows have come to javascript. Best enjoyed listening to Guru Josh - not the modern remix but the funnier, earlier one with the vocal "1990s, time for Guru!" http://www.michaelv.org.nyud.net/ >> Cats on Page 3 << Readers of The Sun know all about Page 3 - photos of nudey ladies with right-wing points of view. Imagine if you took these quotes and replaced the breasty lovelies with cats? Could you still wank to it? http://www.thekittenchannel.com/catnews.php >> Unhappy hipsters << Dull photos of vaguely trendy-looking people with extremely depressing captions. This is the work of a misanthropist. http://is.gd/7daIX >> David Cameron Facts << Remember Chuck Norris facts? "Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris." Imagine doing similar with our possible Prime Minister-to-be. Would that be funny? 771 followers on Twitter think so. http://twitter.com/davefacts >> Shitty old album covers again << Elliot writes, "A quite excellent collection of rubbish album covers. Hadn't seen most of these." Nor us, Elliot, nor us. NSFW in places but, as Elliot points out, "If someone's afraid of the human body I have nothing but pity for them." http://bit.ly/147ku2 >> Headline of the day << Not much we can write about this without ruining the joke so with no further ado: http://snurl.com/lollikeyouveneverlolledbefore ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH Railway pup Nothing tugs the heart-strings like a fluff baby in peril. This poor wee puppy was rescued from some train lines - he'd frozen to them in the cold weather. Ironically, his name is Track - what are the chances of that?? http://snurl.com/puppytime ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Imagine this on an iPad. WoooOOOooo! >> Simon Swears << Years ago we ran a flash toy with the same name, now it's become a real hardware project. Yep, a speaking, swearing Simon toy. Fan fucking tastic. http://is.gd/7daTi >> Welcome back Chris Morris. << Very much looking forward to seeing Chris Morris's new comedy about shit terrorists. The clip is OK, but hey, it's new Chris Morris. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Welcome_back_Chris_Morri... >> Carol Vorderman - Motherfucker << The first show on C4 was Countdown and it's still going, although they got rid of the rest reason to watch - Carol Vorderman - years ago. Remember her this way - made to say rude words through the medium of editing. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Carol_Vorderman_Motherfu... >> iPad lols << So the marketing team sat around going, "Is there any precedent for this name?" "Well there's this old comedy sketch from 2007 on youTube about sanitary towels." "Nah, fuck it, nobody will notice will they?" http://www.youtube.com/watch >> How news reports work << A good deconstruction by Charlie Brooker on how news reports are put together - might temporarily put you off watching the news as you'll just be spotting the format points for a bit. http://snurl.com/charltonbrookerisfunny >> Kersal Massive nostalgia << If you remember the internet from 2005 then you'll enjoy this comedy clip of an A&R man trying to get into some Kersal action. http://snurl.com/scrotes ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Cocky slags * KNOB MECHANIC - "The chap third from top made me emit a cheesy one (a smile, of course)" confesses Parpy Parp-Parp. http://snurl.com/cccsuperloltime * SAD NEWS - Looks like b3ta's favourite magazine is going under: http://www.propubs.com/global-slag/gs_homepage.htm... ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Merger Challenge Last week we wanted you to visualise unlikely company mergers. Your favourites included: * BROWN - popular author + highway code = handy (salvadorevincent) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9883331 * CRUMBLE - Blackberry + Apple iPhone = disaster (Mr Gear) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9881554 * MEAT - ordinance survey + spam = triumph (custard) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9880813 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/mergers/ >> New challenge: The iPad << As Steve Jobs launches the most exciting product in the world, ever, this week's challenge is obvious: take the piss out of the iPad http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/ipad/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * GUY GOMA - Remember Guy Goma, the bloke who got mistaken for a tech journalist and interviewed on News 24, then that flash of total shock when he caught on? Turns out that Guy Kewney, the bloke he was mistaken for, now has cancer. If you've ever laughed at the clip, why not donate some spare change to make his life a bit better? http://bit.ly/az1d2Y ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * CHARLIE BROOKER'S ALL-DAY-BREAKFAST BAR - "Fried egg, bacon, chips and beans, mashed and compacted into a Crunchie-sized slab, covered with a layer of ketchup, then swaddled in thick Dairy Milk chocolate. It'd look and weigh about the same as a Double Decker. And yes, it sounds disgusting - but you'd have to try it once, wouldn't you?" http://snurl.com/yeahyeahyeahyeah * PEACE KITTENS VS TRANSGLOBAL UNDERGROUND - "The chords in the chorus of Transglobal Underground's 'Temple Head' are among the most life-affirming things ever", states Iain, "It seems obvious to me that, if footage could be found of kittens miaowing with the same intervals, all world conflict could be ended at a stroke." * SEMI-SLICED BREAD - and other unhappy compromises between control and convenience. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by codepo8, @Daffydil, @SamCarelse, @leonhurley, @bounder, @TheoEsc, @nunobensen, openleggy, @TheoEsc, waz4444, McBadger, @danielbevis and not forgetting the lovely WiL. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via Bob Todd. Sickipedia via Tinpotbob. ------------------------------------------------- What is hard and six inches long? My pen is. http://www.sickipedia.org/ next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive