we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "STATUS QUO RE-RELEASE ROCKING ALL OVER THE WORLD FOR THE HAITI EARTHQUAKE APPEAL" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * MUSIC - Clunk-Click remix * BIRDS - Rocking out * VID - Dirty French graffiti ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're validating your ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Clunk, Clean, Calc and Egg >> 'Clunk Click' Remix.. << Jimmy Savile = win. Jimmy Savile plus old 70s public information films, bursting with footage of British Leyland cars, one of which is driven by a woman who looks like Ken Dodd = double win. Add JamHamster's kicking hardcore track and you've got a monster hit on your hands. http://snurl.com/clunkclickhardcore >> Dirty Old Man No actual filth from this cheeky old buffer, father of b3tan Big Face. No smut as such; he's far too cunning, preferring to make lols with innuendo and misdirection. http://snurl.com/cleansong >> Mad calculator << "My calculator is solar-powered and has been left switched on since the 1980s," explains mutated monty. "During that time it has somehow developed its own form of consciousness - every morning it has weird random numbers on its screen and stored in its memory. So I've set up what is probably the most pointless Twitter account of all time to document its daily ramblings. Those numbers might actually mean something to somebody." https://twitter.com/madcalculator >> Scotch Egg << If you're not familiar with the so-called Scottish Egg, Jonti is here to enlighten you through the power of music. Mmmmmmmmmm. Egg. http://www.weebls-stuff.com/songs/Scotch+Egg/ ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Anonymous Last week we asked for things you've done under the cloak of anonymity. Frankly, some of your answers scared the crap out of us: http://b3ta.com/questions/anon/ * AWW, FLOWERS - "When we go to the cemetery where Mrs SLVA's parents are buried, I see lots of children’s graves, especially of pre school-age kids. I'll pick one at random, clear away any dead flowers, get fresh water and leave a couple of fresh ones, seeing as we always take far too big a bunch ourselves. I got caught once: just as I was putting a couple of flowers in the little pot thing the parents arrived, "What are you doing?" the mother asked. So I told her. She looked at me for a couple of seconds and then threw her arms around me. "Thank you," she said and I felt a tear against my cheek." (sandettie light vessel automatic) * DAEWOO-WOO-WOO - "There used to be a tiny little Daewoo parked in my street most evenings. It wasn't owned by anyone who lived there. I could tell this because the alarm used to go off for hours at a time and no one would come out to turn it off. We left a note. Nothing happened. A week later, it was still going off every night and really getting on my nerves. My housemates and I were bemoaning our predicament in the pub to some friends when they agreed something had to be done. That night about fifteen of us lifted the car up and carried it to the traffic island at the end of the street, leaving it "parked" on the grass in the middle, nose poking out from the scrub, along with a note saying, "I am hiding, because lots of people are angry with me :-(" ...We never saw it again." (SnowyTheRabbit) * MURDER - "I live in a small town. One morning I got to work to find that a terrible murder had occurred. The details of each story I heard were different but the whole town was buzzing with the news. Phone calls and texts were exchanged, gossip was rife; this was exciting stuff. But I knew the truth. The previous night it'd been blowing a hooly and a pub in town had started losing slates off the roof at an incredible rate. The police turned up and cordoned off the pavement with tape in case anyone copped a slate on the bonce. People going to work in the morning had seen the tape. They'd recognised the pub as not being one of the nicest places to frequent. And then? Then they'd seen the chalk outlines of a man, a dog and a knife lying within the bounds of the police tape. In their tiny minds a man and his dog were stabbed to death. A classic whodunnit. Amazing the amount of fun one can have with a piece of chalk." (oneinthepink) Finally, a textbook example of how not to be anonymous on the internet (props to Totach for eventually seeing the funny side): http://www.b3ta.com/questions/anon/post615785 >> This Week's Question << We'd like your moments of real-life slapstick. When you're done tripping over that rake, talk to us here: http://b3ta.com/questions/slapstick/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Comic book superheroes in a Picasso styleee << Superman looks like a cyclops and Spiderman has a thalidomide quality to him. They'd make great stamps - much cooler than bloody Screamadelica, you old postie cunts. http://snurl.com/meltyspidey >> Hot chicks plunging their toilets << A huge trend at the moment is one-hit blogs - collections of photos in a bizarre theme that generates a WTF reaction in the viewer, forcing them to click and pass it on. E.g. cats in sinks etc. Usually, if you can find one photo then a quick search will dredge up more. This bunch of entrepreneurial numpties are trying to sew up the hot chicks market with a series including '...smiling at Ground Zero" "...picking up dogshit" and others. We reckon the plan is making link bait for sites like us and then flogging the sites to SEO companies once they've got a bit of traction. http://hotchicksplungingtheirtoilets.com/ >> Local news for local people << Our local paper, The Camden New Journal mixes pictures of Michael Foot with lurid tales of crack-infested estates and dead prostitutes. This site salutes all that is great about Britain's local newspapers. http://thenetherregions.co.uk/ >> Sex print<< To the innocent viewer, the mark on this car looks like a panda's face. Look again and cover your eyes at the shame of it all. http://snurl.com/wifesnightout >> Charting the Beatles << The whole web is spunking over infographics - turning dull data into bright spanking charts and diagrams. This makes the complete work of The Beatles look like something out of a GCSE maths textbook. http://www.mikemake.com/#72772/Charting-the-Beatles ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Watch while the telly's rebooting >> The birdy song<< Everyone knows chimps can make art, but who knew that birds could play guitar. Tiny cute birds with colourful beaks, they look like miniature parrots. They're actually finches and they RAWK. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Go_on_birdies >> How to enjoy a 3D movie << Looking uncannily like Charlie Brooker's special uncle, BBC Film boffin Mark Kermode rips into the current fad for all things 3D. Give him Wossy's job on Film 97, he's clearly auditioning for it here. http://www.b3ta.com/links/How_to_enjoy_a_3D_movie >> GINGERS DO HAVE SOULS!! << South Park recently strayed into the territory of pure evil when they put out an episode saying gingers don't have souls. This one doesn't have a brain. But Jesus loves him all the same. http://bit.ly/6waTPx >> French letter << A few years ago we stopped off at a motorway service station on the M4 and were utterly transfixed by the lewd gay graffiti in the gents' toilets. One memorable piece gave detailed masturbation tips for the under 12s. Obviously the graffiti in French toilets is purely heterosexual, if this is anything to go by. http://snurl.com/u5k72 >> Big tits = big hits << This young lady has 600,000 views for her pedestrian guide to Asian emoticons. Her trick? Enormous jugs pushed up to her chin, butt-grazing shorts and kitten ears. We don't think girls would like her very much. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Boy jumps on moving bus << Hero or twat, depending on which demographic you inhabit. We reckon both. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Boy_jumps_on_moving_bus ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Not very funny and not very cornerish as usual * GOATSE IS GOOD STUFF - At least, that's what Lastminute.com seem to think. Check out the buttock-shaped Os in this unlikely logo: http://snurl.com/lastminutegoatse * MR TINY KOX - It takes big balls to go through life with a name like that. http://bit.ly/Z8JrG * TWATTS - But why? Why? It's not even the name of the company! http://twatts.co.uk/ * CHANGE YOUR NAME MR LARSEN - "Surprised this man's re-election didn't take a turn for the worst," chuckles ccc. http://snurl.com/mrlarsen ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Elephant Challenge Last week we wanted you to hide an elephant Your favourites included: * NESSIE - minimal 'shopping here, just great use of a classic snap (monstrinho do biscoito) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9871643 * GREY - this elephant has literally disappeared completely. Where's it gone? (DogHorse) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9872782 * LADY - we've examined this photo for hours, but the elephant still eludes us (TheFiend) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9871209 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/elephant/ >> New challenge: Unlikely Mergers << In the week that nasty Kraft took over nice Cadbury, this week's challenge is to picture unlikely company mergers, and the products that might result. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/mergers/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * GIRL SINGS WEEBL'S SONG - thanks to Darklord for pointing out this charming cover version of Amazing Horse. Also amusing is the B3tans discussing the young lady's attractiveness, chest tattoos and facial piercings. She's not going to look twice at you - well unless you're there to fix the printer that is. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Amazing_Horse_Cover_Vers... * WANKING ENTHUSIASTS SITE - anonymous writes, "Re: a site which contains a button saying 'I've just had a wank?', try bedposted, a discreet online database for you to store details of your shags and wanks. Enjoy!" http://www.bedposted.com * MORE CALENDAR SUGGESTIONS - Gibberer writes, "Try the 2010 Hooters Calendar. You know you want to... It's a, err, hoot." http://www.joe-ks.com/hooterscalendar/ ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Endless Migration You are a goose. You are a goose and you must fly south, collecting as many mates as you can. Too be honest, we didn't last too long before flying into a jet engine. Like a dream we once had. http://snurl.com/endlessmigration ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * WHATWILLIHAVEFORSUPPER.COM - "Could one of your webions devise this?" asks @kfking, "Shouldn't be too hard as the answer is always cheese on toast." * FLAKE / POO = "Regarding Cadbury," writes @peregr1n, " I've always maintained Flake smells/tastes faintly of poo. Can someone do a blind taste test?" * CHEAPER TRAIN TICKETS - Philip Knight has an idea and he wants B3tans to help. Return train tickets often cost a similar price to singles - can somebody set up a site for people to sell on the return bit of the ticket and make cheaper tickets for everyone? Philip explains it in more detail here: http://snurl.com/u5kci Stick your cocks in our mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. Sometimes we shudder, but we do look. ------------------------------------------------- Sexy woo time: [email protected] Twatty scummers:[email protected] ------------------------------------------------- : THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by the_log_knows, @bounder, Dave Peacock, @bliumchik, NoSoup4U, jingle_man, @TOther_Simon, @theindiedave, mousemonkey, jeffrey44, ccc, @gshutler, @chopeh, flannery, Pauly Pops. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Sickipedia gag via hongkonglouie. Subjlols via Barbarossa. ------------------------------------------------- : SICKIPEDIA NIGHT 3.1: * Kunt & the Gang! Mushybees! Boyce Bailey! Richard Tyrone Jones! Joel Veitch! Bovine! Mike Rampton! Justincider! David Stevenson! Jeremy Gomez! Nick James! Robert Auton! Yes, the night that should never happen is happening once again. The Old Blue Last, Shoreditch on 3rd February. Do come! http://www.flickr.com/photos/robmanuel/4288970512/ * Just been watching the Masters snooker and I've been trying to get to grips with the rules. Is the white ball going round ethnically cleansing the table? http://www.sickipedia.org/ next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive