we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "I PUT MY HEAD ON THE FLOOR AND THEN TUMBLE FORWARDS. THAT'S HOW I ROLL" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * SONG - The Internet is Made of Cats * QUACKS - Celebtastic Ben Goldacre bonus bit * NSFW - Entirely rude section ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Cats, joy, sadness, games and Manchester >> The Internet is Made of Cats << "Here's the song we did at the webbies bash, in internet form!" Joel and the boys have really pushed the boat out for this one. A catchy tune explains how and why the internet came to be. Hint: Cats-cats-cats! Cats-cats! http://www.rathergood.com/cats >> Pure and Simple << "This was just an experiment," explains sundae_girl_2004, "But I quite like the effect." Bouncy, joyful animation gymnastics. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Pure_and_Simple >> Death of a Snowman << A giant snowman melts softly away in time-lapse pathos-o-vision, thanks to teaman. It'd be sadder, of course, if we weren't all so fucked off with snow by now. We've had it up to here. *indicates roughly ankle-deep* http://www.b3ta.com/links/Death_of_a_Snowman >> 8 Bit Pwny Club 3 << Jonti and Wonchop's animated gaming show reaches its third episode and the panel discuss their favourite games of the last decade. http://www.b3ta.com/links/8_Bit_Pwny_Club_3 >> Access Hollinwood << Searing showbiz expose of the economically deprived Manchester suburb. "I know, I know. I'm whoring myself out," admits GOTO: 10. "But I could really do with a holiday." http://snurl.com/hollinwoodbabylon ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Vomit Part Two It'd been nearly six years since we last asked for your puke-em-up disasters. Go read how ThorTheBear managed to get three people covered in every bodily fluid but one: http://b3ta.com/questions/vomit2/ * PASTA- "And I saw a whole pasta shell emerge from his nose and unravel as it popped out like a butterfly stretching its wings for the first time. 'Twas a thing of beauty." (oneinthepink) * PLANE - "Turbulence can be bad, some people get sick. I've seen bad, but the worst of all, the worst I've ever seen was when the plane hit a massive air pocket – a downdraft that left it dropping like a stone. One of the cabin crew levitated up to the ceiling, there was a cry of horror from the bathroom but the image that will haunt me to my grave is the sight of a mushroom cloud of vomit rising up from behind one of the forward seats, drifting higher and higher until we were through the downdraft and it splashed down. I can only hope the producer was the receiver." (paxvobiscum ) * PURE CADDERY - "After a whiskey-fuelled 18 year old's party fizzled out and everyone fell asleep in piles on the floor, I was woken by my friend dragging what looked like a dead body into the 'off limits' parents' bedroom. I stood up, despite the room spinning like a waltzer, to find out what had happened. Entering the room the smell hit me, there was vomit and shit all over the bed, the contents of the drawers were on the floor and the light shade was in tatters. 'I think I was a bit pissed and had an accident.' So who is the dead boy? 'Oh he's not dead - he's just hammered. I thought if I dragged him in here, laid him on the bed and wiped puke on his face he would think he did it and clean it up.' It did work. And on many occasions after that party too." (DrTugnut2) >> This Week's Question << Confess the awful stuff you've done under the cover of anonymity: http://b3ta.com/questions/anon/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Link most likely to make you unsub... << ...from our newsletter goes to this "funny because they shouldn't have made it" project: A Maddie McCann 'countdown until she's legal'. http://www.madeleinecountdown.com/ >> One of those one joke websites... << ...that answers a question. Made us laugh, but then we don't like travelling outside a very small radius of NW5 and get panic attacks if we have to visit the North or go south of the river. http://www.ismyjourneyabsolutelynecessary.co.uk/ >> David Cameron photoshops << Bit of an easy win crowd pleaser here - shit photoshopping mockery, Tory baiting and what's more you can all join in. BTW: We sat here for 5 mins trying to write a great David Cameron joke but then realised the word Cameroon wasn't a biscuit. Ha: Cameroon is the colour of his rosy, posh-boy cheeks. The world of satire better start watching its back. http://www.mydavidcameron.com/ >> RA RA AH AH AH ROMA ROMA MA GAGA OOH LA LA << Make of this what you will - a new Hatten (remember that?) for the modern kids too young to remember when "oh my days" sounded like the title of a 1970s sitcom with John Inman. http://www.raraahahahromaromamagagaoohlala.com/ >> Autocomplete truth << We all suspect that men and women want different things, but now the evidence is plain to see from Google autocomplete. Men are from Venus and women eat Mars bars when they're depressed. http://www.predictablyirrational.com/ >> Nerd sweater Paedophiles! Having trouble attracting children? Then wear this Mario tank top and you'll have to beat them off with a stick - or your hand. http://snurl.com/supermariovest ------------------------------------------------- : HOW TO KEEP TEA WARM? Your unlikely solutions to a muggy problem * HOT METAL IMMERSION - bogeypie writes, "I tried this method once when I was a teenager. Get a 1-inch cube of stainless steel (my dad brought it home from work) and heat it until it glows in your coal fire. Then pop it in your tea. After the initial tea explosion into your face, what's left stays hot for a very long time. Unfortunately your lips will probably be too scalded to drink it." * THERMOS - Colonel Santiago writes, "Invest in an insulated Thermos-style mug and fill with boiling water for 15 mins prior to tea-making. Empty the hot water out and make tea as normal - your drink will be warm for up to 2 hours." * ICE CUBES - voodoo_kinky writes, "Quite simply, drink it before it gets cold, you bunch of 'ooh it's burning my lips' jessies. Actually, my wife has a top tip. Drop an ice cube in it, and sup from the cubey side - instant cool tea and you can finish a brew before the godforsaken spawn of your loins starts nagging you to turn off the TV, go out and do something more interesting instead." BTW: Load of you also mentioned those USB tea warmer things but we ignored them because we had one once and never plugged it in because we don't like the idea of catching the wire with a sleeve and sending a hot liquid flying onto our pristine collection of Acorn Electrons. Oh fuck it, here's the link if that's your bag: http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0009VEL1... ------------------------------------------------- : NSFW CORNER Links that will give you cyber erections >> Japanese sex guide from fucking years ago << "Best link this week?" asks bushofgoats. "This 1960s Japanese guide to meeting and then coupling with a girl," he answers his own question. http://bit.ly/5VDlUY >> Tara Reid vs. marker pen << What kind of mental takes one-time Playboy model and obviously the best actress of her generation Tara Reid and scribbles all over her? The effect straddles the line between mental illness and art. We reckon we could probably crack one out to it, given a paucity of wanking material. http://firmuhment.tumblr.com/post/334260749 ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Rude Tube without Alex Zane's ratty little face >> If Facebook was real << Hassling old school friends on facebook is always fun. This Septic Tank version of a Shoreditch Twat doorsteps his old high school crushes and annoys the shit out of them. Toe curling. http://snurl.com/surprisereunion >> Unbreakable phone << Unbreakable phone follows the laws of comedy and breaks while the CEO spits feathers. http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/technology/8450385.stm >> Put a donk on it (in sign language)<< The sheer exuberance of the sign language lady busting her moves in the corner of this totally ridiculous video is a joy to behold. Big fish, little fish, cardboard box. http://snurl.com/deafdonk >> Nasty sweary old lady << No it's not Catherine Tate but some potty-mouthed old bint abusing a tramp outside Croydon's Mayday Hospital. Classy. http://snurl.com/croydonfaceoff >> Fail 2009 << Yeah, yeah, yeah, you've seen it all before. We don't want to like this but can't help ourselves. Just like we can't stop reading the Daily Mail website. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Smoking = Cool << These people are repellent in a strange, arty way. Like John Waters movies or Tracy Emin's piss-stained sheets. http://www.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Assuming funny = rubbish and corner = list CINE VAG LOLS - Lendmeyoureyes writes, "I apologise for sending in something for the 'funny' name corner. It's a cinema in Cape Town, South Africa. P.S. I've marked this as "I've found a cool link" but really, it's not cool." It's OK. We giggled like loons last time we were there and got directions to "go up, past the Labia" http://www.labia.co.za/ COCKS, YEP, COCKS AGAIN - "What does this look like?", asks Damiangag and before we even clicked we knew it would be a cock. Still, extra points for the semen dribble. http://snurl.com/hellospacecock PS. Stop sending this shit in, we're contemplating suicide and it's pushing over the edge. Thanks. ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Alternative Medicine Challenge Last week we wanted you to invent new medications. Your favourites included: * QUACK - Homeopathy, explained for the benefit of the stupid (BlueHaze) http://b3ta.com/board/9863286 * TIN - a guaranteed cure for a troublesome sphincter (Azrepheal) http://b3ta.com/board/9862567 * DISORDER - detailed instructions for OCD sufferers (addyswank) http://b3ta.com/board/9861968 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://b3ta.com/challenge/alternativemedicine/ ********************************************** BONUS DR BEN GOLDACRE COMMENTS - Ben mentioned our challenge on Twitter and also got in touch to say: "I think you're all being very mean about the quacks. Homeopathy has an important role[1] to play in A&E, and there's nothing funny about overdosing on homeopathy pills just because they're made from a dilution roughly equivalent to one molecule of the active ingredient in a sphere of water whose diameter is the same as the distance from the earth the Sun. Boots the Chemists take this issue very seriously[2]. Oh and arsecandles don't just work on constipation, they are part of an ancient tradition[3]. The Brian May nit collector is fantastic though." [1] http://www.youtube.com/watch [2] http://snurl.com/spoonfulofsugar [3] http://buttcandle.com/ BTW: If you've never read Ben's badscience site - you should - it features "satirical criticism of scientific inaccuracy" (thanks Wikipedia!) and it's one of the few sites we've bothered subscribing to the RSS feed for. http://www.badscience.net/ ********************************************** >> New challenge: Hiding an Elephant << This week's challenge is to answer an age-old question: How do you hide an elephant? Fire up Photoshop and show us how. Challenge suggested by Prodigy69 http://b3ta.com/challenge/elephant/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * CALENDAR SUGGESTIONS - Phonicsey asks, "last year I had the KittenWars calender. Can you recommend one for this year?" Yes, yes, yes, Weebl has a calendar out. Buy one today! http://www.weebls-shop.co.uk/ * BOOK YAYS - disconnected writes, "Remember my 'Now and Then' photos of my town? I am happy to inform that I published a small book with my rephotographs. Thanks also to b3tans' positive feedback (cheers!) I finished the project for print." Woo! http://refotografie.blogspot.com/ * UNLIKELY SHITTING SOLUTIONS - Zakk writes, "Got the shits? Glass of water, add a healthy splash of lemon juice, and sprinkle with enough black pepper to cover the the surface. Stir, chug. Don't taste it, you won't like it. Nor will you shit for 3 days." Anyone want to test this? You'd be a braver person than us. ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME First-person Tetris Tetris is all about rotation - so imagine if instead of the block rotating, the whole game rotates. You'll play this for 1 minute going, "omg mental!" and then get bored. This is what we promise. http://firstpersontetris.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * TORY SLASH FICTION - George Osborne wearing an ermine snood pleading to be rogered senseless by an engorged David Cameron "I'm your fag and I'm smoking for your black rod in my Tory glory hole, wot, wot, wot." * REAL TOAD IN THE HOLE - Ian Ferguson writes, "Can you ask if somebody can make Toad-in-the-Hole with real toads?" And real holes? * WANKIFY.COM - thatcrazymelon blithers, "Could someone make a site which contains a button saying 'I've just had a wank?' It should have daily, weekly and all-time stats, and an optional comments box." Push shit through our internet letter box: http://b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. BTW2: According to our 1985 Smash Hits annual Nik Kershaw owns 10 snoods. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @littlebribes, @giginger, @bounder, @joemuggs, mediocre, Christian Heilmann, @Pussstein, samwisethesick, Mr_Egregious, vortex2k7, Sir Sand Goblin and mccandelish. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Sickipedia gag via cc1957. Lyrics by The Who which should never be sung by cats: "people try to put us down" ------------------------------------------------- What's the difference between an angry man and a gay arab? One's shaking a fist....... next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive