we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "RIP TELETEXT. YOU WERE LIKE THE INTERNET IF IT WAS BOUGHT FROM A POUND SHOP." next issue » « previous issue This Week: * ADVICE - How to cure the shits with Bisto * SHIT LOLS - Best Xmas funny name ever. Promise. * SCHADENFREUDE - What a difficult word to spell ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're building ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Enhancement, Weather and Climbing >> "Let's enhance" << "The quality isn't too good," complains dunk3d. "If only there was a way of fixing that..." Amusing montage of TV & film police ridiculously 'enhancing' grainy crime scene photos. The secret is to say "enhance" as often as you can. http://www.b3ta.com/links/406290 >> Star Wars weather << "I heard someone say 'It's like Hoth out here' as the snow fell in London," explains Tom Scott, "A few hours of messing about later, here's the Star Wars Weather Forecast." Useful to explain the weather to geeks who never leave the house. http://www.tomscott.com/weather/starwars/ >> Climbing In The Name Of << "Here it is," snarls Joel as he muscles into the much-publicised battle for Christmas number one with an utterly seamless mashup. Like ebony and ivory, how can we disagree when the tunes go together so beautifully. Thanks Joel. http://www.rathergood.com/climb ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Asking people out Last week we asked for your attempts at asking people out. We liked jessemoya's science experiment to discover if his lip ring got him more action, but sadly it's undermined by his natural angelic beauty. Jesse - you need to use a munter as a control: http://b3ta.com/questions/chattingup/ * RESENT - "At 13 the only thing to do in the Suffolk town was going rollerskating. With our own skates we were kings amongst men. I'd had my eye on this girl and judging by the huddled giggles her friends shared every time I skated past, she/they had noticed. "Would you like to go out with me?" she said. I GULPED and tried not to let my weak knees give way to the wheels attached to my feet. "Yes," I replied, probably a little (lot) too eagerly. "That's a shame," she said through the beginnings of a laugh. "I wouldn't like to go out with you!". Upon which point her and her friends fell about laughing. As did the crowd of mates who were standing with me. About 5 years later when we had all grown tall and old enough, nights out had moved to the nightclub next door. Skating was for kids. Pretending we were on drugs and raving like mentals was where it was at. As I was cutting shapes with my friends I noticed a girl watching me with a group of friends at the side of the dancefloor. "Shit," I thought, "That's her and she's all grown up". Ambling up to her I smiled and asked, "Would you like to dance with me?" She looked at her friends, who gave her not too subtle encouragement. "Yes," she replied (a bit, no a LOT too eagerly - or so I like to remember). "That's a shame," I replied, "I wouldn't like to dance with you". I'll never forget the look of embarrassment, realisation, and anger crossing her face. I think I enjoyed my revenge more than any grope of her big tits on the comfy sofas at the back. (May not be true)" (Galahad) * DESCENT - "Rakky’s guide to asking someone out: 1. Select object of your desires. It is important that he, whilst seeming normal and well balanced, have some fundamental flaw rendering him totally inaccessible, for example, having a really possessive girlfriend, or having been thoroughly screwed over in his last relationship. EDIT. Or gay. 2. Make friends with aforementioned object. 3. Develop painful, overwhelming passionate crush. 4. Bore friends with crush for 6-8 months. 5. Get drunk and finally admit to object of desires that you’re desperately, hopelessly besotted with them and ask will they go out with you. 6. Publicly, react stoically and calmly when they say no. In private, cry till you dehydrate. 7. Wait five years. 8. Repeat steps 1 through 7. 9. After 3-4 iterations, admit defeat, adopt 14 cats and consign yourself to being the mad woman with egg on her cardigan who lives at the end of the street and shouts at children. Any b3tards who wish to accompany me to the cat shelter would be welcome." (Rakky) * CONSENT - "Drunkenly stumbling back home after a night out with my mates, I found myself alone with one guy I didn't know very well. However, he seemed intent on knowing me very, very well. On the way, he uttered two lines that I will never forget as long as I live: "You're so pretty and delicate... you remind me of my cousin." "Your... what?" "My cousin... You look just like her." If these eerie incestuous comments weren't enough, he followed with the icing on the cake: "Would you give me... consent?" Gentlemen, please, please do not ask to sleep with a girl in the context of not raping her. She won't like it at all." (PanelDePon) >> This Week's Question << To us, the world is just one long episode of You've Been Framed. When have you laughed at the misfortune of others? Talk to us here: http://b3ta.com/questions/schadenfreude/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Reclaim the Horns! << Concerned about rampant misuse of the Deadly Horns of Rock, Twisted Sister's Dee Snider want to claim them back for the misfits and losers of full-on metaldom. Support him! http://www.takebackthehorns.com/ >> Pee-pee and poo-poo disaster << True-life lols, as a shy bodybuilder recounts a recent date. He avoids going to the toilet until he's round her place, then needs to take a dump and piss at the same time, but gets an erection. Social anxiety horror ensues. MS Paint pictures make it incredible. http://snurl.com/poopanic >> Miss Gibraltar 2009 << What to say about the Miss Gibraltar contestant at the bottom of the page without coming across as unduly harsh? Let's just say she's very, very brave to enter a beauty contest. And by "brave" we kind of mean "ugly". http://www.chronicle.gi/headlines_details.php >> "I'm your biggest fan" << Disturbing fun for people with a Facebook account. Don't worry, it's just a gag, he doesn't really become your friend. Funny though. http://www.limmy.com/biggestfan/ >> Watch a midget screw a huge fat black lady! << Some sort of karmasutra position-testing site, this lets you pick two completely inappropriate partners and force them to mate. No nudity, but NSFW if your boss is sensitive and not blind drunk by this point in the afternoon. http://www.mykarmasutrabuddy.com/ >> Periodic Table gallery << Awesome photographic archive of all the elements it's possible to photograph, plus pictures of objects containing the elements that can't be. http://periodictable.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH Baby hedgehogs Gotta love the baby hedgepigs - if your heart doesn't melt then you're clinically a psychopath. True dat. http://pixdaus.com/single.php ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO No repeats on the inernet >> Back to the Future weird pervyness << Virtually frame-by-frame re-examination of the end of Back to the Future 3. Is Doc Brown's son Verne played by a little boy, or a perverted dwarf? Well, we know what our money's on but... http://www.youtube.com/watch >> I Need a Hand Job << Alarmingly knowing commercial for a domestic labour-saving device. To the point that we wondered if it was real. It's real enough that they'll accept money to post you one. http://www.ineedahandjob.com/ >> Drunk Pogues-singing << Here's the true definition of Christmas spirit, as a brave young Scot gives a method rendition of Fairytale of New York. The falling over properly begins at 0:43. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Gorgeous, carnivorous sea stars << Amazing footage from under the Antarctic ice of the Ross Sea. Timelapse photography makes sea stars, worms and sea-urchins bustle around in the search for a meal. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Truth in Advertising << Old but gold sketch, advertising execs voice their venal, innermost thoughts as they put together a multi-million dollar campaign. http://www.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Two penises, one silly name, a drum machine etc * FOR XMAS - "I've been waiting for Christmas to send you this. This chap works in our Amsterdam office. I bet he *hates* this time of year." (Scary Dave) http://nl.linkedin.com/pub/rudolf-reinders/0/ab9/1... * DIGITAL MARKETING COCKS - "Please enter this into the phallic logo awards." (paltoft) http://www.branded3.com * COCK PILLOWS - "No wonder she got pregnant if she's that obsessed with massive cocks." (Matt) http://snurl.com/pillowcock ------------------------------------------------- : "IT LOOKS LIKE A COCK" - win a book compo Authors Ben & Jack have put together lots of photos of stuff that looks like penises, and last week we announced we had 6 to give away to the best answers to our tie-breaker, "I love cock because..." The winners include: * "...I'm a cunt" (Barbarossa) * "...it's only gay if you put both balls in your mouth at once!" (mediocre) * "...when in the bath with a broom-on you can pretend you're a pirate ship." (St.Minimus) * "...I've only got one leg." (Rudolph The REddache Reindeer) * "...I had mine cut off and made into a mimsy. I have photos!" (Jayneflakes) * "...it helps me forget about the cancer." (Sister Nutmeat) And if you fancy buying the book, then you'll be wanting the Amazon linky won't you? http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/140880245... ------------------------------------------------- : IMODIUM ALTERNATIVES Because those pills are simply evil Last week we had the shits and we asked you for suggestions to bung us up. * CARBON OVERLOAD - "An old colleague of mine - he was ex-army - used to recommend about 4 rounds of well-blackened toast. Apparently, soldiers used to do this on patrol before they had the luxury of imodium." (tombazza) * NO FIBRE - "Eat a high-protein, low-fibre diet. I've done just that this week, eating lots of meat and cheese and no broccoli at all. I went for three days between shits, and by the time it came out it felt like it was tearing me a new one." (Flake) * BISTO - "Re your request for alternative ways of curing the shits. My dear old mum always swore Bisto powder was ideal for diarrhoea. She'd say it didn't actually cure it as such, but certainly thickened it up nicely!" (Stu) * STATINS - "Since my doctor said I had to take statins to lower my cholesterol in case I die later on in life, I've been bunged up like lard in the sewer outside a chip shop." (bogeypie) There you go. Who needs doctors? ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Christmas Challenge Last week we wanted you to design Christmas cards that told the truth. Your favourites included: * EVIL - nicely sinister adaptation of the classic Serj Iulian original (drbroon) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9828873 * CHIMNEY - some aspects of Christmas should come with a warning. This is one (Puromycin) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9828120 * CRASH - those Christmas lights might not be a tree, as Santa discovers to his cost (The Twisted Omentum) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9828777 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/christmastruth/ >> New challenge: Frankenstein Food << We think that Cadbury and Marmite should get together to invent the Cadbury Marmite Egg. Mmmm-mmm. So this week's task is to invent other unlikely combinations of foodstuffs that really should be manufactured. Challenge inspired by Griffy and suggested by Pytchblend http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/frankensteinfoods/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * WD40 DRUGS UPDATE - archiehollway writes, "WD40 is used to stop people snorting coke off the loos, as mentioned in the last newsletter. But not because it burns the nostrils; bars do it because if you put powder on a surface covered with WD40 it'll just disperse. So now you know." * WHAT CASSETTEBOY DID NEXT - Mike Cassette writes, "Here, some Cassetteboy stuff will feature in a TV show called '2009 Unwrapped with Miranda Hart'. It's on BBC2 on Wednesday 30 December, at 10.00pm, I think." Also his latest vid is a departure in style - he's taken his friend Shaun Pubis out round London. Shaun improvised some raps and Cassetteboy cut it up into a video thing. Interesting idea. http://www.youtube.com/watch * BIKE LIGHT DISCOS - we asked what kids today do instead of waving bike lights about. Coobeastie writes, "If you still have an old Nokia 3220 from about 2004, you can get some clever plug-in doohickey that lets you wave rude messages in the air. Finally I've found something the fucking iPhone can't do." ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME The Alien at the Bottom of the Garden Your Ginger Fuhrer writes - "We were asked to make a game for kids, to encourage them to eat better and take exercise. As all my instincts are to take the piss, it was a surprising commission, so I got in Matt Round and we worked ever so hard to make something that doesn't have a mocking bone in its body." http://tinyurl.com/yeu72fd BTW: If you want a game more suitable for adults why not try Blosics - a 'destroy buildings with physics' type thingie - strangely satisfying. http://www.lingolux.com/2009/12/16/blosics/ ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. This week we're not going to write any jokes but actually write about being the old gits that we are: * TIME TO READ - we've got this really great book we want to read (Sebastian Faulk's Birdsong) but we haven't managed more than a chapter or two this week. Surely the government should do something about this? Maybe turn off children and the internet from 7 to 9 every night? * MORE HOURS TO SLEEP - last night we went to bed at 7:30pm and we're still tired. What about a 40hr day and at least 25 of these dedicated to bed? * CUPS OF TEA THAT NEVER GO COLD - we're always microwaving ours. How do you cope with cold tea? Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by chimpo2k, mjd96, will, Ed Blackadder, Mr Gear, Doogie Talons, Jen, Monty Propps, Dr. Dee, Christian Heilmann, shanereynolds, jamescarlyle1. Game via Swany. Cute via tom_pleasant. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via Exu. Sickipedia via mr stu pidtwat. ------------------------------------------------- BBC News Headlines read, "Cheques to be phased out by 2018." Fucking hell, not again. Hitler tried that in 1939. http://www.sickipedia.org/ next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive