we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "I'M JOSEF FRITZL AND NO WINDOWS WAS MY IDEA." next issue » « previous issue This Week: * VIDS - Have a Hibbetty Christmas! * PUNS - Are mightier than the swede * NEIGHBOUR HATE - Passive Aggressive WiFi ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving our ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Lots of stuff that will make your pee-pee hard >> MJ Hibbett does Xmas << MJ asked people to send him videos telling him what they wanted for Christmas. "I had SO may clips sent in," writes MJ, "I ended up having to make two; one for the ladies, one for the gentlemen." The results are utterly charming, like slightly shonky Boots ads made by a Morrissey fan. Give this man a multi-million pound contract to change the face of Christmas advertising forever. http://www.mjhibbett.net/christmas.htm >> Call for content: pun based gags << "I luv puns," confesses Andrew Magurran, "So I made a pun-based web utopia. Thing is, I need more puns. Please tell everyone to give me more puns. More puns. Puns." We know all about puns at B3ta HQ. The Ginger Fuhrer suffers from a unique brand of Tourettes that forces the afflicted to spew a constant tide of puns. e.g. Let's start a band called The Sax Pistols! Pun's not dead you know. http://www.punderland.com >> The Web for Beginners << B3ta man of the moment Cassetteboy is following up his smash hits involving Alan Sugar and Nick Griffin. After tackling those titans, he now takes on the web itself. We rather liked Stephen Fry's blouse. http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Web_for_Beginners >> Zombie kitten apocalypse << "The zombie kitten apocalypse has arrived," raves Mutated Monty. "A new animation by me and SarahBear, it's not for the squeamish." Cute and a bit gothy - it's like Tim Burton does Anime. http://www.b3ta.com/links/MEOW:3 ------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------------------- "IT LOOKS LIKE A COCK" - win a book compo Authors Ben & Jack have put together lots of photos of stuff that looks like penises, shoved it into a book and figured it would fit in with B3ta. Anyway, we've got 6 copies to give away. Complete this tie-breaker in 15 words or less. "I love cock because... " http://www.b3ta.com/board/9830507 ------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK 1 Presents - we forgot to run this bit last week Stuck for buying present ideas for the official b3ta wife and children we thought we'd ask the B3tans what they're buying their nearest and dearest so we could crib inspiration. http://www.b3ta.com/questions/present/ Of course most of you have written jokes and we're still absolutely fucked in the present buying dept. * SWEETS - "I'm going to give my nephews and nieces radioactive sweets. I can't wait to see their glowing little faeces....." (vinny) * WII - "My niece told me she wanted a Wii for Christmas. I can't wait to see the look on her face when she realises I've given her a jam jar full of piss." (ralphseviltwin) * BOOZE - "Gave my wife the best Christmas present she could have wished for today. Went to my first AA meeting. Day one and counting. Apologies for lack of funnies." (capo) - No gag here, we're simply interested to see how this turns out. Good luck Capo. http://www.b3ta.com/questions/present/post581254 ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK 2 Failed Projects Last week we had a minor panic attack about projects we've ballsed-up in the past and thought you might like to confess all: http://www.b3ta.com/questions/worldoffail/ * 4x4xFAIL - "Many years ago I was helping a friend build a nice big garage across the end of his garden. He had a partially complete LWB Land Rover parked where we were going to build. We tried pushing it but those fuckers weigh a ton, so he suggested he'd get the starter motor wired up later in the day and "Just move it up the garden a bit." The next morning we arrived to find it 150ft away, right up by his house, with a trail of flattened wendy houses, swings and sandpits in its wake. Apparently he'd started it, ground it into gear and set off only to remember he hadn't connected the brakes. Struggling to get it out of gear, the 4WD behemoth crashed its way towards his kitchen, much to the shock of his wife who was washing up at the time. We laughed about it for a few weeks, until we realized that, having built the garage, there was now no way of getting the Land Rover out of the garden." (KipperFillets) * PUPPY - "Summer hols and myself and Mark are bored. What would cheer us up? A puppy. Where can we get one? Dunno. Why don't we make one? Brilliant. Our rudimentary knowledge of biology was such that we knew that two dogs were needed; and that one had to piggy-back the other for the magic to work. Five minutes later Mark has a mangy mongrel and I have Mrs Simms' Alsation which I'd volunteered to walk. We tried to get the Alsation to mount the mutt but it was not having it. So... I held the Alsation whilst Mark lifted the other one into position and vigourously rubbed it back and forth. Result? No puppy - but a half dead mongrel and me nearly losing a pint of blood." (DrTugnutcracker) * JIGSAW - "I have just completed a jigsaw puzzle. It was rather difficult and took me nearly eighteen months to finish. Which is great, as it said 3-4 years on the box." (marcooosa) >> This Week's Question << Asking people out. tell us your biggest successes and most embarrassing failures. Not that we're after new chat-up lines, or anything: http://b3ta.com/questions/chattingup/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Clients Ruin My Art << Anyone in the "creative industries" will cringe at the unavoidable truth of this strip cartoon showing the toxic relationship between a web designer and his client. It all ends in comic sans tears. http://theoatmeal.com/comics/design_hell >> Christmas Nonce-sense << If you think Santa has a whiff of the child enthusiast about him, you would be delighted to find one of these in his sack. "Ha! I told you so!" you'd chorus. Send a lynch mob to burn his toyshop down. http://snurl.com/paedobells >> Passive Aggressive wifi << Speaking for the household who only recently abandoned the wifi tag 'cunt' for the more child-friendly 'bums', we loved this list of wifi names, all of which put two fingers up to the neighbours with the joy of anonymity. Much like wanking in their milk bottles or doing a poo in their recycle box. http://www.holytaco.com/25-hilarious-wifi-network-... >> 3D without the glasses << Why faff about with silly glasses when you can take your HP Laserjet into the 3rd dimension with these cut-out and keep 3D letters? http://www.dafont.com/punched-out.font >> 9/11 is a joke << We blame the New World Order for this. Or maybe Peter Hook from New Order for this excruciating newspaper correction. http://is.gd/5eS6t >> Google's doing it for the Kids << We'd probably be on some kind of register if we asked the local primary schools to rework the Sickipedia logo, though judging by the rather lovely things the kids have done for google, we might be on to a bit of a winner. We've heard the Special Needs kids are doing one for Ask Jeeves. http://www.google.com/intl/en_uk/doodle4google/vot... ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH Kitties in neckwear A collection of cats in ties, ruffs and bow ties. But no scarves, cravats or snoods - coming soon, we hope. http://snurl.com/catties ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Etch-A-sketch for autistic Terry Pratchett fans >> Shane sings 5 octaves on the piano << We love Shane and his one note octave, especially as we think he is the living proof that inbreeding is wrong. A Hillbilly Susan Boyle; as played by Jack Black. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Shane_sings_5_octaves_on... >> Beatles 3000 << A fantastic parody of all those nonsense documentaries on the History Channel, where a 16 year-old on work experience has shoved a few names into Google and come out with piffle. We want to go to "Nectaris University" though, as it sounds kind of spacey. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Tetris God << The sort of sketch the Goodies might have made if they'd been 20 years younger and had got an Amstrad GX4000 for Christmas. http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1924722 >> Queen, Overdubbed << Imagine Freddie turned into Brian Blessed (with a cheeky hint of Papa Lazarou) and you're halfway towards grasping this rambunctious re-voicing of Queen's magnum opus Bohemian Rhapsody. Popeye! http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Blair Witch Flatmare << We're not a 100 per cent sure that this is for real - it's much too neat and the shots are too well-composed, but the idea is pretty creepy; mad tramp lady living in your loft, creeping out at night, stealing your food and pissing in your sink. http://www.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Pissed Himself Laughing Whilst not exactly a cock and balls logo, it does look a man having a large slash. http://www.foamconcrete.co.uk/index.html ------------------------------------------------- : PORN FOR THE BLIND x2 Last week's publication of "what porn I wank to even tho I'm blind" attracted a lot of comment, including: * "Please tell the blind guy who's sick of listening to frat boys describing poo in a cup that there are lots of ladies reading out erotic stories at Literotica's Text With Audio category - I've got nothing to do with Literotica, but I felt out of a sense of fraternity that I should help a brother out!" (James) http://snurl.com/blindporn2 * "You featured Blind Porn in last week's mailout. How about some Deaf Porn? The UK Film Council gave me some money to make a fantastic comedy mockumentary about a chap called Hands Solo, the world's most famous Deaf Porn star. He's very very good with his hands, you know." (wmager) http://www.hands-solo.com/trailer.html ------------------------------------------------- : KY JELLY ALTERNATIVES Last week we asked what other substances you'd used for lube - our mail box gushed over: * OIL - "I've heard that soldiers, whilst deployed, use gun oil as lube. I have not tried this personally... nope... not at all..." (paul.mechanicus) * WD40 = BAD - "DON'T TRY IT! They use WD40 in my local to stop people snorting coke off the cistern. I'm reliably informed that it burns like hell. Given that penile and vaginal skin is mucous membrane, as is the inside of your nose, I'm pretty certain you'd end up in casualty." (mrsclarebutler) * HAIRGEL - "In response to Jeff Balls's question about what makes a good KY alternative, when I was a bit younger and cranking out 12 a day with some regularity, I found really, really, cheap hair gel to work a treat. I mean the Tesco Blue Stripe 39p gloop. It's fucking awful for doing anything with your hair, but if you want a cheap wanking lube, the stuff is worth its weight in gold." (Mr. Jack) ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Jesus UK Challenge Last week we wanted to know what Jesus would get up to if he toured Britain today. Your favourites included: * WALL - in which the son of God is fiendishly mocked by the developers of a gameshow (Monty Propps) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9820260 * PORN - whatever they said about Christ, you could never deny he was well-hung (prodigy69) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9821124 * MAIL - with his non-British roots, Jesus would have been less popular with some newspapers than others (The Hedgehog From Hell) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9819845 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/jesusUK/ >> New challenge: True Christmas Cards << Xmas is almost upon us once again, and it's time for b3ta's annual Christmas Card challenge. This year, we'd like you to design cards that tell the truth about Christmas and about the people you'll be sending them to: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/christmastruth/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * TOP 100 BESTEST SITE YAYS - Nice to see the Guardian giving B3ta a shout out for our trolls. http://tinyurl.com/ybpbyb6 * CYRIAK WINS E4 LUMP OF GLASS - nice to see our man Mutated Monty getting some props for his work. http://www.e4.com/estings/2009finalists.html ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Obey the game! "There's not enough Friday Games!", writes Jasper Kingjay, "Now I get bored on Fridays. So here's one. Obey the Game. You can actually get quite far by doing nothing, how cool is that?" http://www.kongregate.com/games/ArmorGames/obey-th... ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * MOCKERY CROCKERY - Official B3ta Wife bought the Fuhrer a horrid mug for his birthday, bearing the legend (in comic sans of course) "The internet's Rob Manuel". Show us your plates of hate. * BIKE LIGHT DISCO - we used to have them as students - does anyone still bother? Or is there some modern alternative with waving your phones about? * WAYS OF CURING THE SHITS WITHOUT IMODIUM - we've had trouble in this area all week and, Christ, the pills are a devil's blessing. What works for you? Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Professor Kenny Martin, Frizzletoe and Wine, iowaseven, Duncan Biscuits, ereuben, mr_chopper, mafbailey, pascalsirletti, Diamondflamer. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via andicap. Sickigag via eviltorry. ------------------------------------------------- SICKIPEDIA: My internet connection was so slow yesterday I ended up just shagging the wife. http://www.sickipedia.org/ next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive