we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "I'VE FINISHED ALL THE CHOCOLATES IN MY ADVENT CALENDAR; WHY THE FUCK ISN'T IT CHRISTMAS?" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * WORLDFACE - Like Facebook but with countries * KUNT - He's back with 'wank fantasy' * CHERYL COLE - Our new twitter friend ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Disaster, Politics, Wanking and Sex >> Worldface << "There have been social networking satires before," brags Mike Fishcake. "But this one isn't shit!" Phil Fishcake has made a comedy Facebook for countries. Even better, it's interactive and you can suggest your own statuses but "shit ones will be kicked in the face," warns a stern Mike. http://www.worldface.co.uk/ >> Wank fantasy << "There's a new vid just this second gone up on youTube for our song 'wank fantasy'," explains Kunt. "It features a real page 3 glamour lady in it and everything." Not safe for work. BTW: Kunt has asked us not to mention the awesome secret gig he is doing this weekend. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Hollywood vs New York << Fire, floods and gigantic space-lizards - not David Icke's brain, but Goodiebag Kirby with a musical montage of Hollywood's long love affair with New York. Exciting stuff! http://www.goodiebag.tv/2009/11/hollywood-vs-new-y... >> I Make the Girls << "I was recently approached by a rapper wanting a video for his new 'sensual' track," explains Jamwire. "I responded with this delicately-constructed pastiche charting the virile young wordsmith's love encounters. The jury's still out." There's something that just sings out to us about this level of contempt for the client! NSFW due to cut-out sexual antics. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Mr_Drastick_I_Make_the_G... ------------------------------------------------- : SICKIPEDIA COMEDY NIGHT 2.0 The night that should NEVER happen is back… This Wednesday is the second Sickipedia Comedy Night, at the Old Blue Last in sunny Shoreditch. Stuff will be kicking off about 8pm. and if it's anything like the last one, it'll be packed out with excited people and Rob will be sweating bullets in case one of the comics up there gets us all beaten up and thrown out. Awesome. The line-up features returning favourites tricyclic_looper and mushybees along with Joel Veitch, Jewish Nazi, David Stevenson and new faces Dan Pearce, Boyce Bailey, Michael J, Nick James, Richard Tingley, Robert Auton, Jay Rolfe and Jeremy Gomez. We literally have no clue what almost any of these people will do, which is how we like it. http://snurl.com/sickipedia20 ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Cliff Richard posters! Yays! << 1. Choose a 'celebrity' - we like Cliff. 2. Write abusive message which transposes itself in style of celebrity's handwriting. 3. Right-click and save 4. Send picture of Cliff Richard calling them a fat knacker to friend. 5. Joy. BTW: This censors works like homo and gay, but not twat. http://www.universalposter.com/ >> The joy of work << A blog about the fun of having a completely insane boss. Good if you're in any mood to do long read-y things. http://goodaftermornings.blogspot.com/ >> Temporary ski-jumps << Back in olden times there was a craze for building temporary ski-jumps in sporting stadiums. They look pretty mental and should be revived. http://snurl.com/fuckinghell >> Best Woolly Hat Ever << Does she look like a pokemon or a rapist? Or both? http://snurl.com/rapeywoo >> Cheryl Kerl on twitter << Amusing spoof alert. Sample entry: "Joa's soundin mint t'dee. Danii and Seimon's lookin leik thor beuth stuffed an a coase Louis cannat give a murnkey's chuff." http://twitter.com/CherylKerl ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Like gifs with sound >> Hamster jazz << Cute viral for some bottled water company - loving it for the simple, bold execution of the idea. Just get some hamsters and some tiny instruments, stick some jam on them and - with a bit of editing - you have a hamster band. Brilliant idea. Still, we bet the water smells like a hamster's cage. HA! Take that marketing people. http://www.b3ta.com/links/D_Fluffeh >> Henry 8.0 << Loving this sketch from the BBC / TV production company Monkey. We've been quoting it literally all week. "It's like crunchy air!" and "I want a roast!" Proof that Brian Blessed will improve any script by a factor of 100x. http://www.bbc.co.uk/comedy/extra/video/p005bqp0 >> OK Go making of WTF video << Internet video-hit band OK Go explain how they went about making their latest psychedelic production. Switches rapidly between a green room with some planks and full-on insane-o-vision (tm). Impatient viewers may want to skip the first minute or so. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Sex Offender Shuffle << A loveable posse of sex offenders dance and rap about how nice they really are. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Sex_Offender_Shuffle >> Font-based Lady Gaga parody << Exceptionally geeky homage to the Neutra typeface inspired, obviously, by Lady Gaga's Pokerface. Hot, hot nerd action. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> I gotta feeling << Bloke wakes up covered in sick and tries to piece together what happened at the party last night, all via the medium of song. http://www.b3ta.com/links/I_gotta_feeling ------------------------------------------------- : THANKS FOR SHARING Blind reader confesses his porn habits Anon writes - "Hey, I figured I'd give you the lowdown on what us blind folk have in the way of porn. "Some of us like erotica like some (weird) sighted people; this is purely text based and can be found at sites like http://www.asstr.org The main advantage to this is that you can read it at a stupidly fast speed with your screen off / not connected and no one will be able to tell what you're doing; people have been known to read it in classes. The obvious disadvantage is that the voice that is depicting all this stuff to you is usually a very robotic-sounding male; I never understand how people can get off to this. "What most people seem to like is audio descriptions of sex scenes. There used to be a site for this that tried to sell blind people recordings of very unhot-sounding girls talking about how they like to play with themselves but thankfully it's no longer with us. An example of something vaguely like it is the stuff that pornfortheblind.org creates, for example this 2 girls 1 cup description at http://www.youtube.com/watch (Give it a bit of time to get going) "Again, the problem with this is that it's even more human-sounding males reading it, so you might as well be wanking over 2 guys shitting in a cup and eating it. The defunked soundsdirty.com wasn't that much better because all the girls had terrible voices; voice is very important to me along with most blind people. "What I like to do, which not that many blind people do for some reason, is to torrent a normal porn film and then strip the video out of it to save disk space. This way I get much hotter-sounding girls, more realistic and longer scenes plus the files are pretty small since they're mp3s - although it's pretty crucial that the actors are only girls. "So there you go, perhaps the next time you feel the urge you can try some of the ^ or at the very least try cleaning up with your eyes closed." ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Desktop Icon Challenge Last week we wanted you to make art from your desktop. Your favourites included: * PUNK - The Clash's classic Rock The Casbah gets the Windows treatment (collapsibletank) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9811275 * 9/11 - Desktop terrorism as a carefully-aimed gif brings chaos to New York City (Seaman Gabber) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9810650 * STEGOSAURUS - jurassic-tastic rendering of multi-coloured folder dinosaur (Mu) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9810285 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/desktop-art/ >> New challenge: Jesus On Tour << According to The News, Jesus may have visited Britain. What did he come to see? Show us what he got up to on our dingy island, or what he might be doing now if he were to suddenly turn up again. Challenge suggested by The Great Architect. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/jesusUK/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * HIP-HOP ALBUM IN AN AFTERNOON - "Myself and two friends got ruined in a village in Camborne and recorded a Hip Hop LP in an afternoon," confesses Sadeagle. "It was all made up on the spot and was recorded in a day." This is very odd - the sound of three lads slowly getting catastrophically stoned in Cornwall. http://www.b3ta.com/links/I_will_probably_regret_t... * "DEAR HOME SECRETARY" - Swiftly becoming a hip-hop Henry Root, here's Dan Bull with another musical missive. This time he's ragging on Alan Johnson, who is refusing to intervene in the case of autistic hacker Gary McKinnon. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Lo_Been_writing_more_let... * AMAZON SPUNK - A while back we linked to a book called 'Overcoming Obstacles with Spunk'. Dave W writes to say, "It looks like several b3tans have been busy 'helping' Amazon by contributing suggestions for 'Tags Customers Associate with This Product'. At this moment in time the most popular tags are 'Monkey Custard' and 'Population Paste', although 'Man Fat' and 'Bukkake' also make an appearance." http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/098162102... * HEROIN CHICKS - "I am totally creeped out by the heroin chicks," writes Peter McKillon. "Some wanker goes up to a half-presentable bird with a heroin problem, and says, 'Here's some smack, love. Now get your kit off and shoot up for Mr Camera here.' Then he goes home, locks himself in his room, loads up Photoshop, and draws neat little black squares over their crotches. WTF?? What twisted sense of propriety is that? "Here's the other thing that gets me. I looked at all of them. Twice." ROB SAYS: "Thanks for reminding me - I'll have to look again now." * MORE LIFT BUTTONS - "Your bit in the last newsletter about whether pushing buttons would speed up lifts reminded me of a story which might be of interest," confides costas. "I read about a company whose office lifts were always attracting complaints. Workers kept moaning to the Maintenance department that the lifts were too slow, always took ages to arrive, and could anything be done to speed them up? "Then one day the same department started getting calls from people thanking them for speeding the lifts up. People were delighted that they now didn't have to wait as long for the lifts to arrive. This baffled the maintenance people, who'd done nothing. So they went to investigate. "They went to the lifts on the ground floor and soon realised what had happened. That day, they'd been installing some huge mirrors in the toilets, and had left a couple propped up against the wall by the lifts. People wanting a lift would push the button, notice the mirrors, then get so distracted as they preened themselves that before they knew it, the lift had arrived. "All sorts of psychological experiments back this up - People seem to lose track of time when gazing at their beautiful phizzogs." ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * GLITTER SHITTER - DrPoppers writes, "I've been thinking about Dr Gillian McKeith or as she should technically be called, Gillian McKeith. I want a b3tan to eat several sheets of cake-decorating gold leaf and photograph their own sparkly turds. It'd be great." * KY ALTERNATIVES? - Jeff Balls writes, "We at work were wondering what alternatives to standard KY jelly b3ta people have used as lube whilst having a quick Hilary Swank. Would WD 40 work?" * CAFES TO ALWAYS SELL CHIPS - we just went to a crap cafe for a hangover cure and they didn't sell chips. There should be laws against this. Cafes = chips. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Links via by Lamsicle, tacpprm, Neil Stevenson, W00tmedia, The_Fiend, pissflaps, @goodiebag, planearm. Subjlols via F0RDI3. Sickipedia gag via the legendary tricyclic_looper. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. ------------------------------------------------- Remember – drinking alcohol can seriously harm your baby. Especially if you’re in Portugal and can't be arsed to pay for a babysitter. http://www.sickipedia.org/ next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive