we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "FREE TEXT FILE INSIDE" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * BOOZE - 100 shots in 100 mins * SONG - Dear Mandy * STAND UP - Your chance to do some comedy ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We lied about ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK 100 shots, Cheese, Mandy and Mayday >> 100 shots in 100 minutes << Time-lapse footage for b3tard Dave attempting 100 shots of beer in 100 minutes. A.K.A The Centurion! What a hero - and he has work in the morning too! Thanks to liamrafferty85 for bringing us this. http://snurl.com/100shots >> Cheesipedia << "CHEESE! PEDIA! CHEESIPEDIA!" screams The Neville. "So, anyway, I decided it was about time I started up an online encyclopaedia of cheese. It's early days yet, but I've got a few firm favourites in there." http://cheesipedia.com/ >> "Dear Mandy..." << Genius rapper Dan Bull brought us the sublime 'Dear Lilly', a scolding letter to Lilly Allen using her own catchy backing tracks. Can he pull it off again with a message to sinister Baron Mandelson, who wants to cut off people's household internet connections if he suspects them of filesharing? BTW: We've also heard that pager companies are lobbying Mandelson to make texting illegal. http://www.b3ta.com/links/I_wrote_another_letter >> RC MAYDAY Crash Investigation << "I made this short film about a major air disaster," exclaims JamWire. "And like Discovery Channel, I shouted all over it to make it seem more interesting." Guess what? That trick really works! http://www.b3ta.com/links/RC_MAYDAY_Crash_Investig... ------------------------------------------------- : SICKIPEDIA COMEDY NIGHT 2.0 December 9th - Old Blue Last Shoreditch The last Sickipedia night was a massive success, and excellent fun. A packed room of happy drunken people and a dozen or so mostly brand-new comedians. The pub's asked us to do it again so come down, have a drink and a laugh. And if you fancy going on stage get in touch with Rob: http://snurl.com/sickipediav2 Among the star attractions already booked; returning favourites tricyclic_looper and mushybees. Also Richard Tingley, best-known to us as Bovine from the B3ta boards. He's recently been running a video blog which, with its mixture of jokes and confessional, we're finding rather compelling. Reckon there’s an independent film in it somewhere. http://www.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : GO AND SEE BEN WHEATLEY'S FILM. GO ON! Down Terrace, Brighton, Friday Ben: Is it too late to pimp the screening of Down Terrace in the newsletter? It's on at 11pm at the Duke of York, Brighton. B3ta: OK, is there any kind of, 'Ben and Rob Hill will be in the bar - buy them a pint' stuff? Ben: Yes, from 9 in the Duke's bar. Then Ben went quiet for 5 mins and sent a follow up email to tempt you. Ben: Also there will be badges. http://www.cine-city.co.uk/2009/tag/fri-27-11/ ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK PE Lessons Last week we asked for your tales of school sanctioned sports sadism. Those without a sick note can be found here: http://b3ta.com/questions/pe/ * YAY! GAMES! - "First day at a Second Division Public School somewhere in the East Midlands. I was 10, just. The timetable said: "2pm-4pm: Games." Whoopee, think I and several other innocent 10-year olds, we get to spend two hours playing on the swings/roundabout/seesaw. So we do; and the next day, and the day after that. It was about two weeks before they found us. Apparently we were meant to have reported to the rugby pitch on day one. They were starting to wonder where we'd got to." (Guy Debord) * SMARTARSE - "Physical feats of speed or endurance are not my thing. I'm more of a brainy type. I can see some of you are nodding and some want to punch me already. Aged 12, at a selective boys grammar school, I'm trying to make my mark with a new load of 30 class mates. Sir sets one particular task, 'Everyone in the middle of the gym, now run and touch every wall and return to the centre.' This is the cue for every boy to immediately scatter to the middle of the nearest wall before turning around and running fast as their little spindly legs could carry them to the middle of the opposite wall (some unfortunately meeting another boy coming the other way) before repeating with the other two walls. Now I really don’t like to do more than I have to. I thought for a moment and proceeded to jog sedately to the corner of the gym where I touched two walls at once, ambled to the opposite corner, touched the last two walls and returned leisurely to the centre of the gym arriving way before the speediest of my peers. Unfortunately in one act, I had singled myself out to staff and pupils alike as too bloody clever for my own good." (Rich T) * FUNNY-SHAPED BALLS - "The game was rugby. The teacher was Mr Pullen, the science master, who had never played before. He actually turned up on the pitch with a huge book entitled 'The Rules of Rugby'. He explained kicking. He explained tries. And then he got on to tackling. A volunteer was needed. Pullen pointed at Rapinder Sood, the skinniest, bow-leggiest, tiniest and only moustachioed boy in the school. Pullen jogged off slowly. Rapinder followed until, 'Now boy. Now!' screamed Pullen. Rapinder caught up and made an effort at diving for Mr Pullen's legs but missed any real connection. But he did just catch the ankles and there he held on for dear life. There was no way Rapinder was ever going to bring the teacher down. But something else did come down. Rapinder's doggedness made sure that the teacher's tracksuit bottoms came free. It turned out Mr Pullen was not wearing shorts under his tracksuit. Mr Pullen was not wearing pants under his tracksuit. Mr Pullen was wearing fuck all under his tracksuit." (Albert Marshmallow) >> This Week's Question << We really need ideas for Christmas presents and who better to ask than you lovely creative people: http://b3ta.com/questions/present/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Please design a logo for me. With pie charts << Designer's email exchange with guy wanting him to do free work. We've all been there. Christ, we normally pretend that "we'll make you famous on b3ta" when we want them to do free work. http://www.27bslash6.com/p2p.html >> Naked girls injecting heroin << Harpski writes, "If you think that heroin chic is a good look maybe this link will revise your opinion." An alarming set of photos that will stay with you longer than most things we link to this week. BTW: We wonder how they were taken? Did someone go "I'll buy you some smack if you let me take your photo?" http://snurl.com/heroinchicks >> Clients from hell << A classic theme we've tackled a handful of times in our questions of the week, but this version scores via brevity and it's all rather engrossing if you start reading. BTW: If any of our clients are reading then we love you! And can you pay that invoice please? http://clientsfromhell.tumblr.com/ >> Hairy sausages << A neat idea from our Russian friends here - stick raw spaghetti into a hot-dog sausage and boil it to create a bearded banger. http://englishrussia.com/#more-3344 >> Trying to disappear from the internet << A writer for Wired tried to vanish from the world, offering a $5000 bounty for anybody who could find him, it quickly turned into a large internet collaboration. http://www.wired.com/vanish/2009/11/ff_vanish2/ >> LOLSQL << One for cat-obsessed computer programmers here: a mutant mash-up of lol-cat speak and SQL, the special language engineers use to coax databases into love-making. http://www.aaronbassett.com/2009/i-can-haz-lolsql/ >> Google autocompletes << A handful of amusing google autocompletes have been doing the rounds recently and this enterprising little blog has thought, "Hang on, there's a blog in that." http://autocompleteme.com ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH Chimp and tigers "Surely this will make you go aaah :) get it in the newsletter!" urges bruvopunk. http://pictures.streakr.com/whitetigers.htm "and also if you do could you possibly plug my new release, i am a dubstep producer: Flux Pavilion and Trolley Snatcha - Family Fortune/Steppa. if you get it in there ill work out some way of paying you back, maybe sampling a b3ta classic in a new tune, im doin pretty well :)" http://www.myspace.com/thedarkerfluxpavilion ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO TV but with distracting shit round the edges >> Toilet flush obsessive << Black Moon writes, "Is this guy for real? Look how many videos he has, look how many views they have!" Yep, this guy has over 400 videos of flushing bogs. The loo fan writes, "I live in the East Midlands in England. My favourite hobby as you can see, toilets, has been since I was 2." http://www.youtube.com/user/ramdomness453 >> Bohemian Rhapsody by the Muppets << We're having a bit of a Queen celebration in B3ta Towers, in the run up to Xmas they've released yet another greatest hits, but the interesting bit is there's a version on Spotify where CD2 is Roger Taylor and Brian May doing a director's commentary thing. Worth an hour of your time. And in other news - here's Jim Henson's Muppets singing Freddie's theme to Wayne's World: http://www.b3ta.com/links/Bohemian_Rhapsody_by_the... >> Man Vs Toddler << Dead-pan song about grown-ups' superiority to children, it's a bit like Flight of the Conchords doing the competitive dad joke from The Fast Show. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Man_Vs_Toddler >> Grim Segway porn << The thing about porn is that you shouldn't ever look at it, it's wrong. However if it's funny porn then it's safe - you're looking at a comedy item: a pair of hi-tech Segways with a huge dribbling cock and a monster gaping minge, and not naked ladies at all, oh no. Definitely NSFW. http://gallys.realitykings.com/mt/176/ >> Happiness Hat << If you're anything like us you find people complete awful and most social situations a mixture of horror and embarrassment, yet wonder quite how some people breeze through life gayly smiling and making everybody like them? The secret is the happiness hat. We're wearing one right now. On our cocks. http://vimeo.com/7283341 >> Cheapy Lighter Laser Burner! << Convert a cheapo cigarette lighter into a powerful laser cutter capable of burning skin and blinding kittens. Who needs x-ray eyes now superman? http://www.b3ta.com/links/Cheapy_Lighter_Laser_Bur... ------------------------------------------------- : ASK B3TA Lift button racing Last week A Vagabond asked whether repeatedly pressing a lift button will get it to your floor any quicker. Chris W writes, "My friend Big Kev is a lift engineer and lives in Reading. I emailed him about multiple pressing of buttons and he replied, 'You just need to press the direction you need to go, and the call is logged for that floor. Continual pressing makes no difference, just like when you use a pedestrian crossing you press the button and the call is logged from the first push.' Please mention Big Kev if you use this!" "Lifts do have buttons that don't work or do anything," adds Jon P. "On many lifts the 'close door' button is not connected and simply makes people feel better. its called a placebo button as defined in Wikipedia." http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Placebo_button "Pressing the elevator call button lots doesn't make it come faster, but there is a way once you're inside the elevator to get it to go straight to your floor without stopping at other ones: Press the floor button as well as the the door close button at the same time, and keep them held down," opines Tom from England. If you then press up and down simultaneously it gives you infinite lives and a railgun. 'Proof' here: http://snipurl.com/elevatorhack ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Cutouts Challenge Last week we wanted you to make celebrity cutout dolls. Your favourites included: * CAKE - it may taste of cardboard, but it looks bloody delicious (The magic of chutney) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9802474 * B3TA - an almost instant, highly portable version of your favourite website (yanmania...) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9802323 * EYES - dress your pet with these charming yet annoying eyes (Fresh Water Mole) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9800692 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/cutouts/ >> New challenge: Desktop Icon Art << This week's challenge is to make a picture using the icons on your desktop. Challenge inspired by thescotsman. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/desktop-art/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * FRAMERATER UPDATE: "Your favourite film tracker is new and improved," boast the Framerater crew. "We have now expanded the lists of films that you may have seen, including IMDb Top 250, 1001 Movies You Must See, AFI Top 100 and BFI Top 100. Also direct links to Amazon and LoveFilm so you can easily order that film you have wanted to see for ages. Thanks for all the support, enjoy!" http://www.framerater.co.uk/ * HOMO MILK - Last week's Funny Name Corner lolled at homogenised milk labels. This week HairyTwatter writes, "I work with milk processing plants quite a bit. The homogenizer is universally called 'the homo' ...and here's these big guys talking about running a calcium-enriched product thru the homogenizer and saying, 'Every time I run the product it really tears up the inside of the homo.'" We're really milking this gag now, eh? ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * IS THIS PERSON MARRIED? - a yes/no/upload photo thing. Are the stereotypes true? Are all lonely men fat? Are all spinsters cat owners? Possibly could be done via a facebook app thing too. But we hate facebook apps as you have to install them to play them, then they shit all over your profile. * WHEN WAS THE NEWSLETTER PUBLISHED? Dave writes, "Have any of the B3TAns produced a graph to show at what time of day (or indeed which day)newsletters have been published? I love deadlines almost as much as Douglas Adams did, and would like to see a graphical representation of somebody else's (Rob's) approach to dealing with a chronological imperative. Really it's because as a freelancer I spend any Friday when I'm not working wondering what time the newsletter will appear in my inbox. Not in a slightly obsessed repeatedly clicking the send and receive button sort of way - honest!" * MAKE A SONG FROM PLUCKING RUBBER BANDS - make sure you film it too as it would be a bit shit if it's just a load of boingy noises and no visuals. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Kingdom Oblivion, @markjbenson, Chemistry Dan, @codepo8, largoembargo, sinisterduck , Appox, Ed Blackadder, @oxygenthiefYEAH, unclestinky, Darklord, Chazz, willenium, and PyroTyger. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols by Undulating Tentacles of Love. BTW: We accidentally asked the /talk board instead of the main board for this - check it out if you're bored: http://www.b3ta.com/talk/6565556 ------------------------------------------------- Marks And Spencer's new advert states that it wouldn't be Christmas without M&S. They're right too. It'd be Chrita. http://www.sickipedia.org/ next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive