we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "U SHOULD MAKE ALL THE LINKS IN THE 404 NEWSLETTER GO TO 404 PAGES. LOL" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * SCARY - Man dressed as bat * SPACKY - 2-frame animations * QUIZ - with Quizipedia ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then "talk" to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK CSI, 2-frames and a bucket of shit >> CSI Enhancer << "Now you can enhance any image with the advanced technology seen in CSI!" proclaims Bobsworth. Of course, "if you're familiar with CSI, you should know that enhancing involves typing quickly while saying 'Enhance'." http://bobsworthindustries.com/csi/ >> Spacky Facebook animations << "I always get a giddy rush every time I find two Facebook photos that were taken seconds apart," gushes Reverend Dan. "I can spend literally minutes just flicking back and forth between pictures and giggling like a Japanese schoolgirl. I want this to be a hub for two-frame spackiness:" http://fbanimations.tumblr.com/ >> Bucket of Shit << Joel's joyful panda sings how much he enjoys collecting turds. It's nice to see someone happy in their work. http://www.rathergood.com/bucket ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Teenage Crushes Pt2 Last week we asked for the teenage crushes that still make you go wobbly at the knees: http://b3ta.com/questions/teenagecrushes/ * LACEY - "I've known her for five odd years. We've always been good friends. She was and is perfect. Stunning, funny, clever, great taste in music and she doesn't take the piss like everyone else does about the fact I lurve Deal or No Deal. I've always fancied the pants off her. Always. You know when you deny it to yourself, and tell yourself you don't, but deep down, despite not even admitting it inside, you can't stop thinking about someone? That was me. Six months ago, give or take, I finally managed to confront my feelings. I was head over heels and thought about her all day every day. She dropped me a text one afternoon that simply said "I'm coming over, I want to see you x". Gulp. What the hell did that mean? We talked for hours as we were cuddled up on the sofa. Then she revealed that she fancied a lad a couple months back and he knocked her back. She showed me a picture of him on the laptop. Nothing special by any means. I told her that as I went to get a couple of drinks. "Lacey. You're perfect, any man would be the luckiest person alive if he had the chance to go out with you". She stared at me for a moment, like never before. I could see she was looking at me like I'd always looked at her. "Well then, who do you think I should go out with?" There it was. My moment. And you know what? I bottled it. I couldn't even tell you what I said because I can't remember. All I know was it that was some inane drivel. She's going out with an idiot now." (Barry from Eastenders) * CLASSY - "Erm, you want to talk to a girl, you know, pay her a compliment, make her feel special. What the fuck do you say? This is the sort of shit that raced through my mind, aged twelve, at the school disco when I caught sight of Amy Bell, as she bopped merrily away to New Kids on the Block, her twelve year old bosom heaving against the finest wrinkly acetate of her red C & A dress like two eager puppies competing for attention. I approached, dry mouthed, Amy was fucking lovely. She was perfect. A fucking angel. She even used her knife AND fork when she was shovelling down her school dinners. We're talking posh. Really fucking posh. She probably had a butler in her semi on the outskirts of Duston, Northampton. Amy stopped bopping, she stared at me with her quirky lopsided smile. THINK OF A FUCKING COMPLIMENT YOU PRICK! My brain ached. I felt sick. Too much Tizer, way too many sausage rolls and bits of cheddar on cocktail sticks. That's when I learned that, whatever you do, whatever you say, never ever ever start a conversation with a girl you fancy with: "Just want to let you know that when I wank I'm almost always thinking about you..." a sexy pause, maybe raise the eyebrow a little a la Roger Moore, then finish with "and you're always naked." (SpankyHanky) * MONKEY - "I can trace my sexual awakening back to when Michaela Strachan had a monkey do a piss on her shoulders during The Really Wild Show." (ihaveab3tanamenow) >> This Week's Question << Inspired by Pooster's story of a relative that was once sent to the shops to buy an onion, only to find the rest of the family had gone on a daytrip while he was away, tell us your stories of families at war: http://b3ta.com/questions/familyfeuds/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> ANSI art show << This stuff is basically old-school underground nerd art. With self-imposed technical restraints and distinctive aesthetic, it's kind of a cross between graffiti and classic console artwork. http://blocktronics.net/packs/res%5Bv%5Dolution/#/pack >> Quizipedia << Can you guess the Wikipedia article being quoted before your time runs out? Genius idea for a quick-fire quiz. http://quizipedia.appspot.com/ >> Stormtroopers' day off << Charming stuff, like the Borrowers turned to the Dark Side. Tiny Star Wars figurines frolic around the house and on the beach. http://snurl.com/happytroopers >> Animals with lightsabers << Already bored with animal pics on the web? Time to SFX them up. http://tinyurl.com/lme5fa >> 'New Beatles album' << Incredible stuff - a Beatles album from a parallel dimension where the Fab Four never broke up. Or so it says here. http://thebeatlesneverbrokeup.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Don your 2D glasses nowww! >> Scary 'bat-man' << Bloke (we assume) dresses up as a bat then goes around scaring the absolute crap out of people. If you ever doubted how effectively the comicbook hero could put the wind up people... http://snurl.com/manbat >> Epic mascot dance at half-time << Basketball mascot goes way beyond the call of duty at a match half-time celebration. Way beyond. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Epic_Mascot_Dance_at_Hal... >> Amazing slow-mo water drop << Unless you have some sort of PhD in dropping water into a bath, this footage is eye-opening. We genuinely didn't know that's what happens. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Hot girls falling over << Titillation turns slapstick. Yes, we would like to see more of this please. Surely a win for both men and women, combining 'Phwoar' with 'Ha!' http://www.break.com/index/hot-girls-risky-busines... ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Next to the naughty step * IC NOTTING - "I took this photo in a Dutch eye surgery ward," explains Caustic Armadillo. Surely a gag. Surely to goodness. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Is_funny_name_corner_sti... * JOHN DICKENBURGER - "There's a woman at my company with the same surname," confides Chemistry Dan, "But I'd get the boot if I sent her in." http://www.worldperc.com/test/johnp.html ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Fake History Challenge Last week we wanted to see how famous historical events were faked Your favourites included: * EINSTEIN - in which physics' most famous equation turns out to be an order for lunch (Redsushi! Whoop! Whoop!) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9782633 * EGYPTIANS - that who built the pyramids mystery? Solved, once and for all (Brian O'Blivion ) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9784194 * 1966 - England's one moment of footballing glory exposed as a sham (OneForTheRoad) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9783876 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/fakehistory/ >> New challenge: Goodies & Baddies << Back in 2003 we ran a classic "when baddies turn good" challenge, and now we're revisiting it. Also welcome are pictures of the opposite, when goodies turn bad. Challenge suggested by HappyToast http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/baddiesgoodies/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * FISH/CHIP THERMODYNAMICS - We asked the best way to keep fish and chips warm on the way back from the shop. Snitchell tells us to "imagine a thermos flask: protected by an air gap - but the air cannot flow, and retains its insulating properties. Therefore, keep your whale-and-tatty treasure under your jumper for maximum shop-to-home heat retention." And leaving your clothes enticingly aromatic - lovely. * WINEBOX RESCUE - "Dear b3ta," begins Martin. "As you have some influence, can you ask the bag-in-box wine producers to create a tear-off strip on the cardboard carton to access the last 1/2 litre that you have to mutilate the box to get? "The market of people who are after this product are in no state to be handling sharp knives to get at the sweet, sweeeet booze." This is an excellent idea, and we have the scars to prove it. * ANCIENT SHOWBIZ GOSS - The other week's 80s Simon Cowell quizshow appearance prompted Camp Freddy to get in touch: "Back at the end of the 80s/early 90, one of my very jobs was working as Simon Cowell's secretary. (I then went on to work for Jive Bunny so no pity please). "Some of the jobs included forging/signing Sinitta's photos for fans and taking his Porsche to the garage for a service. I also somehow got an invite to Simon's brother Nicholas' wedding, prob cos I was quite friendly with the bride. "Which leads me to the video - Simon's sister-in-law had her boobs done and tried to become a dolly on quiz shows. I spotted her bringing Simon onto the show at the very beginning so I suspect that she was the reason that he was on the show. I wonder if they had a sudden cancellation and put Simon in their place - it certainly wasn't in his character then to be on a quiz show. And it was extra funny that he didn't want to spend any money on the show - clearly thought it was all crap!" Hahaha - love it! We could be like popbitch in 1987! * SPANX CHALLENGE - TDub boasts, "I am proud to report I squoze my 22 stone and 12 pound ass into 4 pairs of the same size, but then I stopped breathing so I had to quit." Impressive, but where are the photos, dude (or lady)? Please send pics to brighten the day of b3ta wife Lucy! * SWEARY MORSE CODE - "The Morse code mp3 from last week's newsletter that spells cuntflaps?" inquires sandettie light vessel automatic. "I put it on my phone as the SMS ringtone. I was in Asda earlier and Mrs SLVA sent me a text, my phone beeped furiously sweary and I heard someone in the next aisle say 'I can hear a B3tan!' It made my day." Yay! And in case you missed it - that mp3 link again: http://www.kaled.org.uk/morse_flaps.mp3 * UNIQUE CHILD NAME THINGY - We asked for a way of helping a child to google searchrank sucess, without burdening them with a name like 'Jackkkkkque'. "This site comes pretty close to what you want," offers Leigh. "Stick in your surname and a forename and it'll tell you how many other people are likely to have the same combo. Apparently I'm unique in the UK, but I knew that anyway!" http://www.tracesmart.co.uk/uk-names/ ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Small Worlds "Sea Dave has made this wonderful, melancholic pixely game about exploring," boasts stallion_explosion. "It won the cgdc6 competition, which means Sea Dave is the most awesome person on the planet." The aim of the game is simply to look everywhere until you find the exit to the next level. http://www.rathergood.com/small_worlds ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * KATEY OR ZOOEY? - "Zooey Deschanel and Katy Perry both look pretty fucking similar, don't you think? Why don't you get someone to do one of those picture quizzes where we have to guess who is who?" (smokinfish) Yes! This could have a song, 'Katy or Zooey - do know knowy - can you tell, which one's Deschanel?' * RECYCLING CONSPIRACY? "I believe that my painstakingly-sorted recycling is being carted off and buried in the nearest hole in the ground. I once got up before 11 o'clock and saw the council pick it up in a regular bin lorry. As conspiracy theories go this isn't the grandest, but I just want to know the truth. Any whistleblowers out there?" (nonproffessional) * WAR MEMORIAL MAPPER - "I saw a news report today saying that the government does not know how many war memorials there are in the UK and where they are. Perhaps some cleverer b3tans than I, could set up some Google Maps type mash-up and get people to plot war memorials on a map. Then the government would have no excuse in maintaining them properly!" (babadman) * TWITTER-SHITTER - "See how many people you can get following your toilet habits in the stylee of the Big Ben tweets. I want tweets on when you go, how big it was, consistancy, and extra marks for links to a pic. Nothing more, nothing less." (Mong the Merciless) * ACTOR DEATH-PREDICTOR - "I'm wondering if any of the b3ta code wizards could somehow come up with a web site which shows how many in-movie-death roles an actor had leading up to their real life death, and by extrapolation, predict which actor will snuff it next? My money is on Jack Nicholson." (Gingey) Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by sancelle, Lord_Munkee and @monkeyXplosion Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Mitochondrians to b4ta. (brackets) subjlols via dvstec808. ------------------------------------------------- : SICKIPEDIA: Thanks again to everybody who came to the first ever Sickipedia comedy night. It was excellent fun with some really good acts. If you missed it, top camera guy Joe Rigby videoed proceedings and here are four of the evening's highlights: http://www.youtube.com/watch next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive