we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "JEFFREY DAHMER JUST WANTED TO KNOW WHAT A BABOON MIGHT TASTE LIKE." next issue » « previous issue This Week: * PHOTOS - Angry people in local newspapers * QUESTION - Your HORRID fetishes * ANNOUCING - Sickipedia comedy night ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Lots of things and stuff >> Angry people in local newspapers << Scaryduck has been collecting together photos of this old newspaper trope - he writes, "I've only been doing it for two-and-a-half days, it's had over 4,000 views and people won't stop sending me stuff. I only did it as a laugh. Now I've got Google News alerts set up for 'dog mess'." http://apiln.blogspot.com/ >> Sickipedia comedy night << Against our better judgement we're trying out a Sickipedia comedy night. We've got 12 or so gag writers from the site and we're sticking them up on stage. It's on the 10th of Nov, in Shoreditch, London. Come. http://www.flickr.com/photos/robmanuel/4072922604/ >> The I-Say Team << Drbroon writes, "Hello, as a result of the lovely response my gif got last week, I decided to make it into a video. Thanks very much everyone, I really appreciate it." He he - funny this. http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_I_Say_Team >> Fake police spotter cards << "I was massively disappointed not to have made it onto the police troublemaker spotter card," writes alixandalex, "And despite all my attempts at being a 'domestic extremist'. So my mate Stuart made me this. It's awesome." http://policetroublemaker.appspot.com/ >> Joel on Beef << Veitch has traded in his pork obsession for beef. "It's important to have a wide variety of interests to ensure that I am a well-rounded human being," he growls. http://www.rathergood.com/beef ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Your little fetishes We asked for the things that float your boat: http://b3ta.com/questions/fetishes/ * FISH - "A couple of months back my sister and I decided to give dear old Nan a visit, because we're nice like that, for a cup of tea and a natter. Usual Nan stuff. After going through the usual inanities of her filling us in with what every other member of the family is up to and so on, we somehow ended up on the subject of The War (WW2, that is), and the whole American 'we came over and saved your asses' sort of view, to which I made a throwaway comment along the lines of, 'well, all them American squaddies did was come here and "see to" the wives of fellas who were off in Europe." I expected to be told not to be so silly, but then my Nan replied, 'Oh yes, a lot of women sold their bodies to get a bit of extra money'. Oh yes, Nan? 'Yes, in fact my friend Helen's mum used to do it!' ...right... 'But no one held it against her, it was sort of a done thing back then.' Fair enough, I think, also presuming she'd leave it and start back on about my aunt's flu or something. But no. 'I remember me and me sister June went to Helen's one day but no-one answered the door, so we went round and looked in through the window, and there was Helen's mum, up on the table, dancing around completely naked, and these two Americans...' She paused for a chuckle, my sister and I look at each other nervously, '...they were running around the table, slapping her on the bum with dead fish!' Bloody American squaddies, coming over here and hitting our housewives with fish." (scoob666) * DROP PANTIES; INSERT KNOB; - "My wife loves it when I talk dirty to her in German. Now I find this a bit odd; my native language is hardly the language of love. Once, though, instead of talking dirty I explained how to do a database restore in SQL. It seems just the tone of voice and German will do it for her. Ah bless!" (zebby) * ANAL - After raiding a flatmate's DVD stash we figured he had a fetish for women fucking each other in the arse. Turned out "Anal Lesbians 6" was actually three hours of a couple of women going through their fridge and sorting the contents in alphabetical order." (DarkLite) * THE GREAT QOTW FAIL ARCHIVE - We're amused that boarder Amorous Banshee is collecting the worst QOTW answers all in one place. The naughty fellow. http://b3ta.com/users/profile.php >> This Week's Question << Live in a crap town? Yep, this week we're doing "crap towns" but so that it's not confused with the The Idler's Crap Town's we're instead doing it as B3ta's Rubbish Towns. A win for us, we think. http://b3ta.com/questions/rubbishtowns/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> We *heart* TV Tropes << Instead of working this week we've mostly been reading TV Tropes - a fantastic collection of cliches found in entertainment products. Remember the stuff in Star Trek how the guy in the red shirt always dies? That's only the start - linky goes to the opposite of "jumping the shark", the definitive point where a show makes a turn for the better. http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/Growing... >> Writing to the Ritz... << This chappy wrote to the Ritz Hotel with a scone-based dilemma. They were very helpful. http://snurl.com/scones >> 4x4 Mobility scooter << Since we noticed our local Argos flogging mobility scooters for about £999, a little misanthropic game we like to play is guessing whether the users we see on the street really need them. Anyway, for those who've given up walking but still wish to cause trouble off road we give you: http://www.kemcare.co.nz/ >> Vulva necklaces << "Hey ladies!" writes niteone, "Want the hot guy at the end of the bar to see what he's in for at the end of the night? Have one of these made!" Apparently they're some kind of female self-empowerment thing, and not an ideal gift for the creepy serial killer in your life. http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php >> Black and white WTF << Funny photos from yesteryear to prove that lols didn't start in 2005. BTW: The stained mattress one kinda worries us. Did someone die? http://blackandwtf.tumblr.com/ >> The 'Electronic Waste' in Guinya << You know that crap old router you stuck in the recycle bin - have you ever thought about what happens next? Maybe we won't be buying anymore crap from Amazon for a few weeks then. http://acidcow.com/pics/4987-e-waste-in-guinya-15-... ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Poor picture quality? Adjust your tracking >> Nick Knowles sings... << TV presenter Nick Knowles (no relation to Beyonce) is best known for looking a bit rugged and presenting home renovation series DIY SOS. He's now turned his talents to singing. He's shit at it - gruesomely emoting in a grizzly bear being anally raped kinda way - and that's why we're bothering to link to it. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Amazing Discovery II << Remember the chubby nerd guy blowing bubbles the other week? He's back and this time he's got a new trick - making till receipts drop down like party streamers. Wonder if he'll manage a third? http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Old McDonald had a farm << An Arabic-style version of the children's song about a farmer and all the various animals he keeps on his farm. Made us smile at least. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> YouTube impressions << Lady impersonates various youtube hits including the coke/mentos people and that crap pop group on treadmills. Funny and actually we're rather relieved she doesn't attempt a goaste. http://www.b3ta.com/links/YouTube_Hits_by_Judit_Ju... >> Glade airfreshener lols << Those of you who bother to watch TV might have caught the recent "I'm going to do a poo at Paul's house" advert you can't help but read the subtext like this: http://www.youtube.com/watch >> NSFW pterodactyl porn corner << Francis Roberts writes, "I don't know if porn is fair game for the boards, but this is so much more comedy than porn that I felt I had to email it to you all the same. My friend sent me this the other day and I have been laughing at the image burned into my head ever since." http://lolpornonline.com/post/26261101/pterodactyl... ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER It's the naughty step of shit gags * PHALLIC LOGO - cunning Italian sofa manufacturers trying to make their home furnishing range attractive to penis enthusiasts. (indresr) http://www.famega.lt * THE SUNDAY TELELAUGH - benc_ writes, "On the face of it - a typical, boring news story. Read it more carefully and take joy that they interviewed someone from MG Rover called Maurice Minor." http://snurl.com/carlols * SHEMALE LEGO? - grizzly_bungle writes, "I was (quite innocently I might add) trawling through the internet and came across this useful site for all your cross-dressing tradesman needs." http://www.trannybuilder.com * EVERYBODY'S DRIVING THOSE.... http://www.Kinki-Truck.co.jp * BREAST LOGOS - "The design is making Staffs Uni look like complete tits." (carly291287) http://www.staffs.ac.uk/ * AND FINALLY, AN ACTUAL FUNNY NAME - Punkygirl writes, "I've had to endure the reproachful glare of my boss all morning whilst childishly snickering behind my hand about this, in an otherwise completely silent office. Thought I'd share." http://www.gold.ac.uk/computing/staff/i-pu/ ------------------------------------------------- : CORPRORATE HATE NAMES Last week of this, we're a bit bored of it Vodamoan - Vodafone Cable and Useless - Cable and Wireless Pizza Slut - Pizza Hut Painsbury's - Sainsbury's Cockstretcher - Poundstretcher The Carphone Whorehouse - "I heard this one from someone who worked at The Link" Thanks to therealwtf, pnash69 & paul@beard. ------------------------------------------------- : ASK B3TA Nice vagina synonyms Last week we asked for 'nice words for vagina' and you replied in your droves. * CHUCK NORRIS - "Having witnessing child birth and all of the horror of seeing the stretching, pain, cut and stitching of my lady's Foof (my pet name) I am now only ever going to refer to her front bottom as 'Chuck Norris' for being so bloomin' tough." (sauronwibble) * DEREK - "My sister calls hers Derek. And I once heard a friend refer to hers as her 'Cavernous Fufu'." (pnash69) * LADY GARDEN - "My wife calls her twat her "ladygarden". It is of course trimmed every few weeks - more in the summer." (rosswelford) WE'RE NOW ASKING ABOUT PIG MILK - Lizard writes, "I drinks cows' milk in my tea, I often have goaty or sheepy cheese, but where is pig milk in our nation's diet? I'd have thought porky milk would go down a treat with all the bacon lovers out there." http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Corporate Logo Challenge Last week we wanted you to redesign corporate logos so that they told the truth, canvas prints from CanvasRus are going to the highest voted entries, all except DrBroon who writes, "I don't think I really want a 36" vagina vector on canvas." Your favourites included: * PORSCHE - it's funny because it's true: replace the dancing horse with a tiny phallus, and Bob's your uncle (The Great Architect) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9758175 * ROYAL MAIL - if honesty is truly the best policy, the postal service should adopt this right away (The Great Architect) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9757209 * SYMANTEC - everyone's favourite provider of computer bloat gets a makeover (collapsibletank) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9758469 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/corporatelogos/ >> New challenge: The Royal Mail << As the postal strikes bring the country to its knees, it's obvious we need new ways to deliver the mail. Show us what they are. The nation will thank you. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/royalmail/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * GUESSEZ LE MUFF - ptwjvpguqhd writes, "I discovered this. In short, it's a French version of Guess Her Muff. Highly highly NSFW." http://devine.erog.fr/ * SNIFFER DOGS APP - PC 9854 Johnson of the Met Police Dog Section writes, "Rather than going to the bother of writing a new iPhone app just furnish us with your whereabouts when you'd least like a sniffer (search) dog to find you and we'll avoid you." * LEGO AUTO-SUGGESTOR - last week Poobar asked for this and pjfoliver replies, "What Poobar is looking for is PEERON.com. They have full inventories of every Lego set in existence, and instruction booklet scans of everything up to 3 years ago. He can list the sets he's purchased, as well as any loose parts he has, then pick a set number and choose 'Build from My Parts.' It will compare inventories and say which parts he has exactly, which he has in a different color, and which ones he needs." ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Evacuation A fun little puzzle game based on the science fiction staple: suck the alien out of the airlock while keeping your guys inside. Basically, Alien the 8-bit puzzle game. http://www.foddy.net/Evacuation.html ------------------------------------------------- : "STAR" IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * TROPESTUBE - a sister website to TV Tropes with fan edits of all the stuff discussed. * WEEING WHILST JUMPING ON A TRAMPOLINE - might make a funny video in a windmill piss kind of way. (We're stuck for ideas, we're looking out the window, there's a trampoline and we need a piss.) * INTERVIEW WITH A MILKMAN - still got a milkman in your area? Leave him notes and a biro - see if you can get him to answer questions. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by neilnimmo, funky2009, @ToastMaster, mubarak.adam, B3taByter, Colan, @DanCall, via Darklord. Friday game via nellylemon. Top Tippery by Vipros. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Sickipedialols via furiousg. Subjlols via monkeon, BTW: gphunky asks, "In the newsletter, can you make the subjlols credit link to the subject line suggestions thread? I'm too lazy to look for it myself but I've seen previous ones on occasion and they're always full of topical laughs. Cheers." Ok, just this once, use our tits as your lunch. http://www.b3ta.com/board/9771881 ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Tip for breast men: when shopping in the supermarket, miss out the first aisle so as to be going against the flow. Arse men should follow the usual route. ------------------------------------------------- If I ever get a chance to appear on daytime tv, I'm going to say: Cunt, cunt, fuuuuck, shit!! Cock, fuck, cuuuunt!! Shiiitt, fuck, shiiitt, fuck!! Cuuunt, shit, fuuuuck!!!! That way, when they beep it out, it'll spell 'fuck' in morse code. http://www.sickipedia.org/ next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive